There's beauty in the breakdown.

There's beauty in the breakdown.

:: 2010 6 December :: 3.52am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Run Away" by Staind

When I look at you...
All I see is ugliness...
I don't even know what I saw in you.
How could I not see all those lies?
They seem so obvious now...
Hidden behind your soulless eyes.
A deep pool of deception and false truths.
Dear God, you're a monster...

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squallet

:: 2010 4 December :: 3.57am
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: "Citizen/Soldier" by 3 Doors Down

I don't think I've been so excited to be turned down. o.o
I asked Mike out today.
He said no.
I'm happy.
xD

Okay, so without explanation, that sounds hilarious.
I'm actually kind of touched.
He wants to take things slow and get to know each other better first.
It's flattering to think that he thinks I'm worth getting to know. ^^;

What's even more surprising was his reaction when I told him we could take things slow.
He was happy that I was willing to do that for him.
I told him he was worth it. <3

It's true. :3
Therefore... I'm sort of still on a cloud. ^^;
Blah. Spending time together makes me realize how much I miss him when he's not here. xD
*glances around*
That made sense.

Now, to sleep.
Hopefully.

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squallet

:: 2010 3 December :: 11.53am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: "First Time" by Lifehouse

We're crashing into the unknown.
We're lost in this, but it feels like home.

Apparently, I wasn't creative enough to come up with my own subject today. xD
I just woke up not too long ago, and I'm all excited. :3
I get to actually spend the day with Mike today, so I can't wait!

Oh! Yeah! I have a new playlist on here! It makes me happy! :]
Obviously I still love The Rasmus, but I was getting tired of only having them on here.
Besides, half of the tracks were replaced with other crap anyway. o.o
So, this new one has a bunch of older music from my middle school days, plus some other stuff.
Yep. Apparently I was feeling nostalgic.
I wanted a list I could play at any time and I'd want to hear anything on it.
With other stuff, there's some music I have to be in the mood to listen to.
I'm weird.

I'm currently typing up some homework at the moment.
I find I'm a lot more easily distracted lately, and I have no idea why.
I'd like to think it's just because I need a break from school.
Thank GOD we're almost out for break. *nod*

I find myself second guessing what I'm in school for just about every day.
I want to do something practical that I can have a degree in.
That way, if I decide to do something else, I still have that to fall back on.
The only thing I can see myself loving every day would be music.
At the same time, even if I do have talent, I can't see finding a viable career in that anywhere.
With only a few months left until this degree, I might as well finish it either way.
Not like I was planning on just giving up on it anyway. I'm stubborn like that. :P

SO! I have 3 days until my 21st birthday. I have no idea what the hell to do for it.
All I know is that for once, I actually want to hang out with some good friends.
I'm completely broke though, so that will probably be the extent of it. xD
I'm not expecting anything from anyone, because that's just dumb.
My parents got me a full tank of gas. That was well enough for me! :]

I have issues.
I don't know why I worry so much about what Mike thinks about me. D:
He says he's not going anywhere, but still.
I'm sure things will get smoother the more we get to know each other.

He's probably reading this wondering why the hell I'm rambling about things.
Yeah, I overthink things all the time. It's just part of me. :P
Regardless, I'm in a super good mood right now and I can't wait 'til later!
*thrashes around the room to random music like the dork she is*
That about sums up my mood right now. :D

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squallet

:: 2010 2 December :: 8.55am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "21 Guns" by Green Day

Arrghh!!1!
Too much crap to do.
Yet I just keep looking for ways to procrastinate. xD
Nah, I'm actually just taking a break from work now.

I had a really off night last night.
I just got really depressed out of nowhere and went to bed relatively early.
I hope Mike doesn't think I'm too much of an idiot. :\

I feel like I'm putting way too much on him way too soon.
Like my expectations are just way too high.
I'm to blame for that.

I'm glad we're taking time to get to know each other better before getting super involved.
I just get this feeling that once he really gets to know me, he won't stick around long.
I hope I'm wrong...

Damn it, I miss him. XD

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squallet

:: 2010 28 November :: 4.04am
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: "She Won't Be Lonely Long" by Clay Walker

I'm actually listening to country music...
That like... never happens. x3

I need someone to share smiles with, someone to laugh along with.
Someone who will dance this crazy dance of life with me.
Someone who's the harmony to my melody.

And something about all this seems right.
Like somehow everything's falling right into place.
And maybe everything does actually happen for a reason.

Maybe that broken heart was really the best thing that ever happened to me... ♥

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squallet

:: 2010 26 November :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "Magic Taborea" by Van Canto

Correction...
TOTALLY crushing!
-giggleblush-
Wow. I sound like an ignorant 15 year old. >.>;;
But I'm smiling, so I don't really care at the moment. :D

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squallet

:: 2010 26 November :: 8.21pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "In The Shadows" by The Rasmus

My dream romance is dead...
What Michael and I had once was beautiful.
But he's not that person anymore.
He's cold. He's selfish. He's not the man I fell in love with.
And that realization is helping me see the light: that I deserve better.
So... when better happens to come around... so be it.

In the meantime... there's this one guy who makes me grin and laugh like an idiot.
I find myself thinking about him at work, and just wanting to get home to talk to him.
I don't want to fall too fast though, and I don't want anything serious for a while.

But if he just happened to ask me on a date, I just might happen to say yes. :]

-giggleblushbutterflies-
God, I feel like a little girl all over again. xD

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squallet

:: 2010 13 November :: 4.00am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "I'll Always Remember You" by Miley Cyrus

I'm so tired...
... of being without you...
Songs all remind me of you.
Pictures make me cry.
I just don't want to face the world without you by my side.

I'd give ANYTHING just to be the one to make you smile again.
I'd give anything for the love we had then...
What changed?
Whatever it was, I'm willing to do anything to change it back.

If you ever loved me the way you said you did, please don't just walk away.
I need you more than you know...
Please, just open your heart again...
And we could live our every dream together, the way we used to.

I don't know when, but somewhere along the line, I fell for you.
What happened to the days when you used to catch me...?

I don't mind if I have to wait for you...
I'd wait forever...
Just please say that one day, you'll come back home...

Don't the happy memories and zillions of pictures make you miss us at all?
I look at those pictures and all I see are 2 people so happy to be together.
Best friends, lovers, inseparable.

What happened to us?
We got lost somewhere along the way...
But can't we find our way back together...?

If you love something, set it free...
I remember cutely debating that with you because I never believed it...
But I'm willing to try it your way, just to show you how much I care...
So I've set you free...
And I pray every day that you'll come home to me...

So all I have to do is wait for you...
I'll wait for you as long as it takes because you're all I've ever wanted baby...
Please don't forget me...
I love you so much Michael...

-continues crying self to sleep-

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squallet

:: 2010 9 November :: 1.19am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace

Don't leave me here alone...
Even though I know he'll probably never read this, this is a cry out to the man I love with all my heart...

I'm alone at home... I've barely eaten in days... I'm missing a week of school...
All because I can't manage to pull myself together...

I look at pictures of us happy together and break down in tears...
I reread old texts and poems from you over and over...
I even fell asleep hugging your framed picture the other night...

Some may just see me as a pathetic weeping child, but I'm lost without you...

How can you be so cold and push me away without even a word as to why?
How can you leave me on the edge, not even knowing where we stand?
Are we together? Are we apart?
Do you just need time alone to clear your head?
Do you need help because you're having an extreme bipolar/depression episode?
Do you really just not love me anymore?
Was it something I said? Something I did?
Have we really changed that much from the two happy kids who were so head over heels in love?

I look at those pictures and weep.
I wish I could caress your face.
Touch your rosy cheeks.
Brush your hair back.
Look into your warm, loving eyes.
Wrap my arms around you tightly and secure.
Press my lips against yours.
Lose myself in you.
The way we used to.
Nothing else matters to me right now but the thought of you.

Did you think that I replaced you? That I didn't care anymore?
I know we've both been so busy that there's no time for each other it seems.
But darling if only you'd come home to me, we could fix all those things.
I would make you the happiest man on earth, no matter what it takes.
I don't care about the stupid fights and disagreements.
I don't care if you're friends or your video games are more important some days.
I don't care what anyone else says about us.

I care about YOU. I care about US.
I can't think back on all those happy times and just let them fade away.
You mean far too much to me to just let this love die.
I'll fight 'til my last breath to show you just what you mean to me...

No matter what happens, I just want you to know...
I've put my heart in a silver box, and locked it far away...
Only you have the key, my love...
Nobody can ever replace you in my life...

I keep dreaming every night that you'll come back...
You'll tell me how it was all a mistake and that you're sorry...
I've already forgiven you, darling.
Just take my hand and with it, you take my heart.
Take me in your arms and show me just what I mean to you.
Lose yourself with me under the covers.
Breathe into my ear how I'm your everything, the air you breathe.
Just like you did only weeks ago...

Love is forgiveness, and I forgive all you've done.
Could you forgive me this time?
Though I don't know what I've done to push you away...
I'm sorry that somewhere along the line, I failed you...
How could I be so ignorant not to see...
I should have given you more attention, more time, more love...

I miss waking up to your beautiful face...
Your arms around me tight every morning...
I wish you were here tonight...
I would show you just what we've been missing...

It's never too late to turn things around...
If things aren't right, let's make them right...
We can fix all the problems, the mistakes, the past.
We can make a future...

I still only dream of you as my husband.
I dream of you holding our child in your arms with that gorgeous smile on your face.
I dream of walks in the park with you as we grow older.
I don't want to face this world without you.

My partner.
My savior.
My protector.
My angel.
My lover.
My best friend.
My world.
My everything.

Don't let me face the world alone...
I always turned to you first, and I want to again.
You were always there to protect and save me.
You wiped my tears, hugged me tight, and made me feel alive.
I don't want to feel cold and dead inside anymore...

Do you love me still...?
Just those 3 words still give me butterflies...
Those 3 words can make everything in the world beautiful again...
Please don't give up on us...
Just say you love me still...
And I swear you'll never be alone...

Please darling...
April is nothing without October...
Please come home Michael...

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squallet

:: 2010 30 September :: 2.58am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "2 Voiny" by SLOT

I've worn out my apologies for you.
Just because I can't forget doesn't make me weak.
It just means that I'm strong enough to acknowledge the past.
I just wish you'd grow up and get over yourself.

Sure, I remember, I cry, I'm human. I'm not afraid to let people see that I'm not perfect.
I miss running around town being crazy teenagers, and staying up at all-night sleepovers.
I miss having you in my life, I miss someone who I thought was a true friend.
But to have let something so stupid tear us apart for over three years now.
Dear GOD that is so stupid.

I try not to be bitter, I try not to cry.
But at least I'm strong enough to remember.
And at least I have the guts to say that I miss you in my life.

I was forced to see you about 4 months ago because we happened to be in the same place.
I know you saw me because you intentionally ran the other way.
I spent that night crying, and you probably didn't even spare a glance.
I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to make things better.

I'd really hoped that 3 years had been long enough to finally let go of stupid shit.
I guess not.

I just don't know why you harbor so much hatred.
Did our friendship really mean nothing to you?
I guess so.

Even now, I'm crying remembering, but I'm not ashamed.
At least I know I have the heart to care.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever even think about those memories years ago.
Why are you so afraid?

But the thing is... I'm done apologizing.
Something stupid happened.
So fucking what?
It's not like there was some huge fucking conspiracy theory.
I can't help it my ex is a fucking psycho.
You're so ignorant, you don't even know what fucking happened.
You act so fucking high and mighty.
Then you cry all alone because you secretly hate yourself.

Well you know what?
Get over it.
You pushed everyone away.

The sad thing is that I'm still right here, and I still actually give a damn about you.
I really shouldn't, with how much of a bitch you've been.
You probably think of me with that little flare of hatred.
But guess what? When that flare goes out, I know somewhere deep down, it'll hurt.
Because as cold as you act, I know there's a heart in there somewhere.

You know, when I met you 6 years ago, I really thought you'd be one of my only lifelong friends.
I guess I was wrong.
And you know what?
That realization still hurts.

So here's me saying that I've tried to apologize too many times.
Every time, you've evaded me, ran away, hid.
Now who's the coward?

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oceanchild

:: 2010 29 August :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: happy

Kitten!
Last week I adopted a little black and white kitten from a vet's office in Wilton--she was surrendered as part of a litter of seven, all needing homes.

She'll be 5 weeks soon, and she's the sweetest little thing. I've been taking her to work with me and she's a big hit with the kids, unsurprisingly. She's so friendly and curious and playful. I truly love her.

I've decided to call her Hachi--her namesake is a character from the anime/manga Nana, but hachi is also the word for eight in Japanese, which I find appropriate, since I got her in August.

Picture below! Read more..

The day before yesterday was the sixth anniversary of my father's death, and probably thanks in large part to Hachi, I'm doing pretty well. In his honor, I bought a telescope to look at Mars, which on that same day was closer to Earth than it has been in 60,000 years. It didn't work out, unfortunately. But at least I tried.

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squallet

:: 2010 27 August :: 1.43pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: "Lethean Tears" by Solution .45

Well... should have seen that one coming...
Wow. I haven't posted here in ages...
Well! I feel like crap today, so I figured I'd rant.
I don't feel like talking to anyone right now really. It'll probably just make things worse.

SO!
School starts again on Monday.
Which means Mike and I will probably hardly see each other much.
He's been working like crazy this summer, so I haven't had much time with him as it is.
It's Friday, and I figured that hopefully we can spend some time together before Monday comes.
Ha... haha...

After telling Mike yesterday how I don't feel like he shows me he genuinely cares as much anymore, he said he'd do better.
And it started off all cute. He said a bunch of cute things to me last night, actually talked on the phone with me for a while, etc.
He even told me that he had plans for us today that were secret, so I got really excited and happy!
I woke up with a smile, had a spring in my step, and was just overall really happy.

First thing he tells me this morning?
"So... Joe wants to hang out with me today..."
Omg... really? So what? We have freakin' plans. Tell him another time. Do I really have to tell you this?
So, initially I was upset for a few minutes, but I got over it since he said he'd only hang out with him for a few hours.
Then he tells me his mom didn't give him his paycheck money so he can't take me out tonight for our date.
Ha! ... Hahaha! OMG, I should have seen it coming!!
Seriously?! Something always ruins our plans!!
Why do I even BOTHER getting my hopes up?!
It just makes me laugh now at how stupid I am for actually counting on our plans today...
... Lesson learned.

:'(

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oceanchild

:: 2010 19 August :: 1.43pm
:: Music: Sweet Disposition --The Temper Trap

Panic attack woke me at 2:00 a.m. last night. Paced trembling about the house for what seemed like ages but may have only been half an hour--I didn't look at the clock again.

My sleep has been fitful and easily disturbed lately, which is odd, since I haven't had any sort of caffeine in weeks. I've been shying from the idea of consulting a psychiatrist, not because I have anything against psychiatry but because I'm tired of having to pay for medical appointments. It has not been a healthy year for me. Still, maybe I should. Things don't seem to be improving all too much and I'd rather not continue suddenly waking in terror in the middle of the night.

In other news, I'm getting a kitten next week, one of a litter surrendered to a vet's office in Wilton. I'm very excited and have already started to stock up on kitten supplies. I will prove it happened with pics once she comes home with me.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 22 June :: 7.50pm

Some notes.
I've been ill. Some weird stomach thing that started in February and has been getting steadily worse since April. Blood tests have revealed nothing. I can identify no patterns. I've been on anti-nausea medication for about a week and yesterday for the first time was able to eat a little without it. It's frustrating because it comes and goes, so I never know what to expect; and it's terrifying because vomiting is my worst and most long-lived phobia. Of course being exhausted and weak from lack of food does not help my general mental state.

The truck is home at long last. I picked it up yesterday. The people who had it really did an impressive job--it looks and feels as good as new. It's so nice to have it back. I'd grown unused to it from driving other cars for so long, but even so, driving it feels like coming home after a long absence. I love this truck, and every time I look at it and know that now it's truly mine, I feel a pride so intense that my breath catches in my chest. All the same, the reunion is a little bittersweet. It's difficult to explain, but I feel as though it's somehow selfish for me to be happy about having it for my own. I used to feel like there was something of my dad in the truck, watching out for me...now I wonder if I've lost that privilege because I was too irresponsible and didn't show it respect when I had the chance.

Starting in July, my hours at work will double and I'll also get a dollar raise. It's encouraging to know that my work is good enough to warrant rewards. I just love this job, and it keeps getting better and better. I'm provided with lunch every day, now--we have a new cook, and if what's on the menu isn't vegetarian friendly, she makes something special for me.

One of my closest friends (one who lives in LA, so our only contact is online) has really tossed me to the wayside in the past couple of months. His girlfriend is moving back home to the midwest, which spells trouble for their relationship. He's been spending every waking moment with her, which I understand, and I really do sympathize with his position. The thing is, he's been one of my best friends for years, and I've always made time for him when he needed it, even if it was a little inconvenient for me. Lately, things have not been good for me, and occasionally I've really felt like I needed his support--but my texts go unanswered, my IMs are ignored, or I'm told that he can't talk because he's with the girlfriend. It hurts, and I'm getting really sick of having friends that are only interested in talking to me when they need something or can't be with their SO for whatever reason. I try not to take it personally, but constantly being Plan B starts to damage the ego after a while despite my best efforts.

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