Life Is An Ever Changing Road

:: 2011 6 November :: 1.26am

it's funny how much life changes.

allyson

:: 2011 27 October :: 12.07am

Wow it's been long. I have a few posts about Callie Mae... but I just wrote them.. like with a paper and pencil! OMG! haha Anyways. She's a whole year old. I've missed... a lot lately. I've been so sick. No one understands how I feel. But I thought of it today. Imagine have the flu, yes the diarrhea upset stomach achey tired flu... for 9 weeks straight. That's how I felt and still feel. It's very hard for me to do anything without having to run to the bathroom. Recently I've had an upset stomach that comes and goes and has made me lose my appetite. So much that.. I'm down to 89 lbs. I'm 5'4 and 89 lbs.. I look.. horrible. I feel horrible. I feel like a horrible parent. I can't do things with my kids. I missed autumn's first day of school, I haven't been able to go for walks all summer or go to the park, Autumn's halloween party is tomorrow, as well as dr appointment and "family" pictures that I won't be attending are friday, I did however make it through autumn's birthday and Callie's without too many episodes. I didn't feel good.. but I made it through. Callie has started walking from the couch to the table and to the wall willingly... but won't walk any further even though she can. (she walked 22+ steps the other night). She still have beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes... she loves her sister and her daddy.. and even me too!
Ugh, I can't believe I missed so much. I just have to take each day.. one step at a time. I can't believe I've been sick so long.. with no answers. Hopefully soon.
Prayers are needed.

:: 2011 19 October :: 2.52pm

Ok, so I've decided to post my essay for the class I'm applying for..right now it's disjointed and it doesn't flow well. I can only have 300 words..which it is right now. I have the part in there about my dad (my adviser told me to def. include that part since I got an E and W's the previous semesters..so that part I can't really delete) Here's the prompt:

"The essay should be reflective of your academic and clinical experiences through observations and what you have learned as it relates to characteristics/skills of a "good" student clinician."

Right now it's a rough draft..very rough..but I wanted to get something down on the page as a starting point. Any feedback at all would be helpful b/c I'm kind of 'stuck.' Thanks!!

--My mantra in life is, "Never give up." I feel a good clinician is someone who is innovative and determined to never give up on finding an answer for their client or any problem they face, if you can't find an answer-figure it out. I apply this outlook to everything I do in life. Over the past year, I have overcome many obstacles that have made me realize how passionate I am about Speech-Language Pathology.
The previous year has proven difficult for me academically. My dad was admitted to the hospital last fall with swelling on his brain and diagnosed with Wernicke's encephalopathy. As his conditioned worsened, I moved home to help care for him. Over time, I realized that although I loved my dad, I couldn't give up on my dream of becoming an SLP. So, I'm back 100% this semester and striving to achieve the excellent academic status I had prior to this year. My major GPA was a 3.9 and my overall GPA was a 3.88. I believe this experience has made me stronger and more determined to accomplish my goals. I also believe it will help me to empathize and relate to families who have a loved one with a communication disorder because I understand how truly devastating it can be.
Through academic experiences such as volunteering as a tutor for CDO 335, ASHA conventions and working with Dr. Sturm at sites for her research project and clinical experiences in 494, I believe I have what it takes to be a good clinician. I don't let barriers stand in my way, I find a different way. I have also worked as a Customer Service Representative for 3 years and I feel these skills will help me to interact with my clients and turn negative situations into positive ones.--

It's due next week so I have a little bit to fix it up :/

:: 2011 12 October :: 2.40pm

so, I have to apply for this class for my major. it's CDO 495 our clinic class. you have to apply and get accepted to get in. you basically ARE an slp and get assigned 2 clients that you have to do therapy with and everything. if you don't get in, they basically say you won't get into grad school. keeping in mind if i don't get in, i still have a back up plan and will STILL make my way to grad school..i really need to get into this class. my grades for the past year have been SHIT. (including an E, Incomplete and W's). HOWEVER, before that I had a 4.0 and am earning a 4.0 during this semester. I have to write a 300 word essay to turn in.

How can I express in 300 words HOW BADLY I want this and how much I have changed my life in the past year and overcome so many obstacles to do THIS. I was at rock bottom..i as in the hospital for 4 days, my dad was in the hospital, i went through two really rough life altering decisions that crushed me and I overcame these things to complete my schooling. I've completely taken myself off of anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I've lost 20lbs and exercise daily and meditate. I'm so much better than before. I am just upset b/c I KNOW my skills and abilities in academia and in a clinic setting and I'm confident in my skills and my ability to do it and do it well, but that's not going to come across in my transcripts. SO this essay could highly benefit me. I just am so worried that they won't see it. That they'll brush me aside, but I'm hoping not. I know I'll get some priority b/c I'm graduating in May, and they let people that are graduating have first 'dibs' so they can get it in. The essay needs to be about, 'What makes a good clinician"--I need more words so I can tell them what I think makes a good clinician and how I embody that. :/

I don't want to make excuses for my bad grades. Nobody cares about excuses because everyone goes through rough times etc..so, in my essay, I'm thinking writing 1-2 sentences tops expressing the fact that I own up to my poor performance and would just ask to still be considered based on my overall GPA and my experiences outside of class. IDK what I should say about it. I don't know if I should say, "yea I did crappy, but that's not the real me..blah blah etc.." or if I should just leave it out altogether and just let them wonder? Any opinions? I don't know what would be appropriate.

3 laughs | smile

:: 2011 3 October :: 11.12pm

i need to not let other people's success in my field get me down (all my peers are getting into grad school etc).. i just need to let it inspire me to find my own path, my own way there,..maybe it won't be as easy and i'll have to take a detour..but i'll get there, in my own way. i'll forge my own path/adventure.

:: 2011 12 September :: 6.52pm

"Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final"

Rainer Maria Rilke

:: 2011 9 September :: 12.47am

Sorry for the self pity entry but I need to vent
I feel completely isolated and alone because of my lack of active friendships. I don't have a best friend, nor do I have any friends that I can just call and say, "hey let's hang out." It seems like everyone else has moved on or is far away or busy with their new lives.

I've been doing really well making positive progress lately, but the social isolation I feel is suffocating me. I had one best friend, we had so much in common, I felt so comfortable around her and we did everything together. Well she graduated (we used to have classes together) and she got a new boyfriend (now fiance) who she's completely infatuated with and is also pregnant. And I haven't talked to her in months. I try texting or calling once in a while but I never get a response. I am a fun, friendly person I feel and I NEED social interaction. I need to have friends who I can hang out with, go to things with or just talk to. I'm really depressed about the whole thing, I even joined a stupid "friendship" website, but there's nobody even on there remotely in this area. My mom tells me to 'be brave' and just go to the bar or whatever by myself and "make" friends. That doesn't work so well because everyone is already there with their "groups" and people aren't just accepting of a random stranger trying to join in. I just feel sad b/c I feel like everyone else has friends except me. How did this happen? I know I got depressed and probably stopped communicating with people, but I guess when I moved to CMU I just got a boyfriend and he was my only friend, and I didn't make any new friends. And then we broke up, and I was left with just people I work with, who I am not friends with anymore. And so I rely on Nic, who I should honestly break up with but if I did I would have nobody.

I know maybe it seems silly, but I don't know what to do. I went to a couple groups on campus but I felt like an outsider b/c everyone already knew everybody and I was the "new" person that wasn't established in the group. I just want someone NOW! someone I can call and talk to or whatever. I'm sick of relying on my little sister and mom for female companionship. Not that I don't love them..they're wonderful and are happy to talk to me. But it's not the same. I'm 23, I feel like I should have a circle of girl friends, like my sister does! She has like four "best friends" who always hang out and they always do things together. and if one is busy there are three other people willing to hang out.

I just miss having friends and being a friend. :(

6 laughs | smile

:: 2011 8 September :: 4.13pm

Death sucks.

:: 2011 7 September :: 11.10am

Douche canoe.

:: 2011 4 September :: 2.54pm

Breakthough in therapy*
*It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

I now view the world in a different way. This is why I was always depressed from 15 on. I've shifted my world view. Other people do not define me. I define me. Other people's opinion of me (or what I assume they think) doesn't affect me anymore. It's going to be a work in progress, but the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one.

I realize now I have a choice. Other people can not make me feel inferior, angry, frustrated, sad etc..unless I choose to let them. At that moment, I need to stop, choose how to react and let it go, b/c before, it automatically affected me. In that split second, I can make a huge difference in the way I live my life. Realizing I do have a choice.

It seems so simple, and I never realized I was doing it. Until now. Time to move forward..

kandy

:: 2011 31 August :: 1.04am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Futurama is on TV

... Life
So... here I am 25, divorced, one degree, still in school, working part time at a shitty job that I have no future at, going in for surgery in 2 weeks. I have hip dysplasia. This is why I've had hip pain for 5 years now. I'm gonna go in and willingly let them cut/break my pelvis in three spots, put pins in, repair tears in the labrum, realign/position things, and maybe even do something to the head of my femur. I'm absolutely terrified. I know Ryan will be by my side through it all. But still. I hate having to rely so much on other people. I've been let down by so many, it's hard to put complete trust in them. I'm scared the pain will be more than I can handle. Scared that even after recovery that I'll be .... disabled.... more so than I am now. Right now most of the pain can be handled by codeine. Taken often but still. And I wonder if I'll end up having to have the same thing done to my other hip..... And I'm in the ending point of my second degree this one for Veterinary Technology. *I yell/say fluffy whenever I see a dog... heh Ry and I will be out playin disc golf and i see one and go fluffy and ruin everyone concentration and such* I have to go to Detroit for the procedure since he's the only Dr in the state that does em. I'll be down there for about a week. And I realized tonight that my parents will too, so I wonder who will take care of my pup. I have asked the hunny to take care of her while I'm gone and he might. I need him there that first day. I'm going to be a wreck. He's my rock. My sanity. My everything. I don't understand it, we're opposites but he's my everything. He knows me better than I do myself. He's not always what I want, but he's always what I need. He encourages me, pushes me, spoils me, pampers me, he's my world. In the last year... he's become my life. I know this surgery is supposed to help. But I'm scared of being more disabled than I am now, of anesthesia not working like it should, of having more pain after recovery than I do now, of the whole surgery being ... botched. I try not to think of these things but as the day gets ever so close it's hard not to. I try to sleep at night and all I can picture is them taking the scalpel to my groin and being able to feel it and see the blood. Its so vivid I almost want to cry. And this is so hard to explain to people. Its just like it'll be ok, just don't think about it. Well... fuck... this is going to happen, the surgery, how can I not think about how it might go wrong?!? I'm 25 and this isn't normal!!! I've never wanted to be normal on the outside... but now that I'm older and have been having joint issues for 5 years... I want to live one day in some one else's body and see what it's like to live without aches and pains. I have had days I can't even pick my right foot up more than 6-8 inches because of the pain. Not to mention stairs... i have to do a flight ... well like 20ish stairs at Ry's... I can handle that usually, some days it's difficult. Not to mention hills :( I love to disc golf. I've been doing it for a year and haven't had an ace. Got close about 3 times at old farm though. But I can't walk hole 10 cause of the hill, sometimes I have to stop at 9 cause the walking is just too much. Fucking hate it. Makes me feel pathetic. Ry is such a strong person. Emotionally and physically. I wish I were more like him. He makes me want to be better. But I feel like I hold him back when I can't do stuff like that. He understands and never makes me feel bad about it, never complains about it. Offers to carry me when I'm in pain. I keep telling him I'm waiting till after surgery to take him up on that. Well ... I'm gonna stop for now. I'm going to keep updating more.. This will be my "recovery" journal. So if you want to hear my story... listen.. if not thats fine too. I just need a place to vent thats not my bf and won't get annoyed after awhile.

:: 2011 30 August :: 6.18pm

I do well just to run away.

I always run.

It's only a mater of time.

3 laughs | smile

:: 2011 17 August :: 11.49pm

:: 2011 14 August :: 12.52pm

Something I foudn on StumbleUpon (my new fav. website)
Positive Affirmations for Self Esteem

1. I deeply and completely love myself.
2. I believe in myself apart from others' opinions.
3. I feel good about taking care of my own needs.
4. I am comfortable being myself around others.
5. I am a unique and valuable person just as I am.
6. I am becoming more and more confident.
7. I love myself just the way I am.
8. I like the way I handle challenges.
9. I feel good and good is attracted to me.
10. I openly express my needs and feelings.
11. I am my own unique self – special, creative and wonderful.
12. I love and accept myself.
13. I am healthy and happy.
14. I am inherently worthy as a person.
15. I accept and learn from my mistakes.

Positive Affirmations for Daily Living

16. I enjoy the adventure of life.
17. I'm responsible and in control of my life.
18. I'm in control of my attitude toward circumstances.
19. I learn and grow through every challenge.
20. I accept the natural ups and downs of life.
21. The Law of Attraction operates in my life for my highest good.
22. I am calm and relaxed in every situation.
23. I am discovering new meaning in my life.
24. I am improving one step at a time.
25. I am healthy, strong, and capable.
26. I am willing to trust others.
27. I forgive myself and others.
28. I am willing to relax, let go and have fun.
29. Everything is getting better every day.
30. There are beautiful things happening in my life daily.
31. I experience the excitement of growth daily.
32. I am at peace with the Universe.
33. I am safe and always feel protected.
34. I am willing to allow others to help me.
35. I am always in harmony with the Universe.
36. I am filled with the Love of the Universal Divine Truth.
37. All is well in my world.

Positive Affirmations for Health

38. I am healthy in every way.
39. Every cell in my body vibrates with energy and health.
40. I nourish my mind, body and soul.
41. My body heals quickly and easily.
42. I am in control of my health and wellness.
43. I have abundant energy, vitality and well-being.
44. I am healthy in all aspects of my being.
45. I love and care for my body and it cares for me.
46. My body is healthy, energized, and perfect in every way.
47. I am healthy, whole and complete.
48. The vibrant wellness in my body increases every day.
49. I am perfectly healthy in body, mind and spirit.
50. I sleep soundly and peacefully.
51. I am living a long and healthy Life.
52. I have a healthy heart and a strong set of lungs.
53. Healthy living ideas flow to me easily.

Positive Affirmations for Abundance, Wealth, and Prosperity

54. I am attracting the financial resources I need.
55. I am a prosperity magnet.
56. The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful
57. I pay my bills with love as I know abundance flows freely through me.
58. Money flows to me easily and frequently.
59. I am eternally grateful for my abundance.
60. Wealth is pouring into my life.
61. I am getting wealthier each day.
62. I travel whenever and wherever I please.
63. I am successful in whatever I do.
64. I always have more than I need.
65. The universe brings me fulfillment and abundance.
66. Everything I touch is a success.

List of Affirmations for Work

67. I work with people I love, and who love and respect me.
68. Great things just always have a way of coming into my life.
69. I have a wonderfully satisfying job.
70. I love and enjoy my work and I receive the perfect pay.
71. Divine Guidance causes me to do an exceptional job.
72. I am a success magnet at work.
73. I am an expert at what I am doing
74. My work now fulfills and enriches me
75. My work is deeply satisfying.
76. I am a magnet for creative ideas.
77. New opportunities are opening for me.

List of Affirmations for Success

78. I am winning in the race of life.
79. I am successful in whatever I do.
80. My possibilities are endless.
81. I enjoy more and more success because I am the best.
82. My intentions unfold with ease.
83. I am clearly pointed in the direction of my dreams.
84. The resources that I need come to me with ease.
85. I am so grateful to be realizing my intentions.
86. I am a success in all that I do.
87. Everything I touch returns riches to me.
88. I am always productive.

List of Affirmations for Love/Relationships

89. I am surrounded with loving, caring people in my life.
90. I easily attract love into my life.
91. The warmth of love fills my world.
92. I appreciate those who love me.
93. I radiate love and happiness.
94. I am loving and accepting of others.
95. Healthy relationships are a wonderful pattern for me.
96. All my relationships are loving and harmonious.
97. My life is filled with love, fun and friendship.
98. I am loving and lovable, and I find love everywhere.
99. I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know.
100. I love myself and I attract loving people into my life.
101. I am attracting emotionally available partners to my loving and giving spirit.

:: 2011 13 August :: 11.45am

Your card came up.

:: 2011 3 August :: 1.19pm
:: Mood: peaceful

I am the Dutchess, and Kurt controls time.
Kurt Angel was saved by the Dutchess of Death. Dutchess made a deal with the devil. She swindled him. Dutchess saves Kurt from hell. The catch? Kurt returns with Dutchess as a zombie.

MAGNANIMOUS.

:: 2011 2 August :: 6.55pm

Nothing ever works out how you want it to.

:: 2011 31 July :: 1.15pm

Kill it.

:: 2011 29 July :: 8.48am

DONE.
I'm so much smarter than this.

:: 2011 24 July :: 3.32pm
:: Music: Hope I do, turn into you.

I'm a little gay for this woman.

I would love to cover this song. Even an acoustic cover would be cool to do.

Turn Into

:: 2011 20 July :: 11.56pm
:: Music: Led Zeppelin

I suggest you turn it up and listen to it laid back with your eyes closed
It is like sex.

:: 2011 17 July :: 12.53pm

Rock Bottom
so i have this one friend, his name is chey. he's the only person i hang out with as a friend. he goes out of his way to be their for me and shows up on my doorstep if he thinks i need company. he gives me rides when my car breaks down and calls me to invite me and include me with his friends. he brings me smoothies to work for no reason. he makes me laugh.

well today was his last day at work and he's moving to florida in like a week.

why is it that the one true friend i have up here bails and leaves to a different state.

i feel so so so sad that he's leaving :( i guess i'm on my own again.

5 laughs | smile

m&ms487

:: 2011 15 July :: 7.52am
:: Mood: anxious

So many things going on. I'm taking classes and super involved in a shit ton of stuff.

Good things:

-I got my first poem published in an online Canadian Zine this past week. I don't write poetry much, so it was kind of a "I'll submit just for the hell of it and see what happens." It's nice to know that at least one person likes at least one of my poems.

-I'm the newest contributor for a fledgling online commentary website. No pay, but it's definitely more legit than just my wordpress blog. I wouldn't mind spending a few years of my life writing political and social commentary as a job. It'd be kind of fun, I think, just so as long as I don't get my voice totally edited out. We'll see. Maybe something will come of this, maybe something won't. Just another thing to put on my resume at the very least.

So much more is going on, but these are the things of which I am very proud. Sometimes it's really overwhelming, but I know that opportunities like these are what are going to make the difference between getting a job and having a career I love.

skife

:: 2011 14 July :: 2.40pm

More paperwork.

sprint is one of the top 500 "green" companys, i don't see how, let's say i have to order a phone for someone.

Step 1. I put their information into the computer along with phone issues, the computer automatically prints out 2 peices of paper (2) then the customer has to fill out a "data preservation form" (3) turns out i have to order a phone for the customer i get a shipping reciept (4) when the phone gets here it comes in a cardboard box with air filled plastic bag type things to take up space, then it comes in another smaller box filled with bubble wrap, then the phone and battery cover are wrapped seperatally. inside the box there is also a shipping log...

:: 2011 4 July :: 7.04pm

I love America so much even Toby Keith told me to take it down a notch or two.

:: 2011 26 June :: 12.58pm

Kriiii.....

Wtf.

FU.

:: 2011 23 June :: 1.02pm

2 laughs | smile

allyson

:: 2011 21 June :: 4.39am

Seriously... if god is punishing me for having a cute baby....I would rather have an ugly one. I NEED SLEEP¡!!!!!!!!!!!!

skife

:: 2011 14 June :: 5.48pm

fucked at work...

hey justin, congrats on selling a bunch of accessories, tripling the repair numbers, selling more insurance, and getting more tech refferals than i ever have and my fucking comission check is still the same amount it was last month.

what the hell do i have to do to get ahead!

2 laughs | smile

rayray

:: 2011 14 June :: 4.14pm

I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that my child is 7 months old already.
It doesn't seem like she should be this old, and I know that the older she gets the harder it is going to be to deal with.
I am extremely happy that I have the chance to be a stay at home mom. She makes my life so much better. And no, I'm not just saying that because its expected. She really does make my life so much better. I love being a mom. When I feel sad or I am pissed off about something, just hearing her laugh, is the best thing in the world. I absolutely adore her smile.
She is so happy and innocent. I pray that she stays that way.