My friend offered to rent her spare room out to me in her duplex for awhile. So I'll be moving out of this apartment Monday sometime. And a big fuck you to my roommate will be all of the shit I'm downloading off of his internetz roiight meow.
Still thinking about moving down to G.R.
Thinking.
Hmm.
I downloaded the Foo Fighters newest album. The song "Rope" i must say holds some sort of nostalgia for me. Its pretty good though.
I've been contemplating suicide a lot more that I probably should lately.
I know its cowardly, but at this point in time I think I'm alright with being selfish for once.
I'm a 24 year old child.
I take one step forward, then three steps back.
I'm not getting anywhere.
8 months old. Still no teeth, still having pooping issues (constipation) poor thing. You still ready every four hours 24 hours a day. Which means you wake up 3 times in the middle of the night still so you sleep in bed with me. It doesn't bother me though because I know that someday you won't want to be near me and then ill be sad. This way I won't regret the time I didn't spend with you....which I pretty much spend all day everyday with you. I don't mind.in fact I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not sure on your measurements right now.I'll measure you tomorrow...
8 months old. Still no teeth, still having pooping issues (constipation) poor thing. You still ready every four hours 24 hours a day. Which means you wake up 3 times in the middle of the night still so you sleep in bed with me. It doesn't bother me though because I know that someday you won't want to be near me and then ill be sad. This way I won't regret the time I didn't spend with you....which I pretty much spend all day everyday with you. I don't mind.in fact I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not sure on your measurements right now.I'll measure you tomorrow...
I'll tell you everything about lbein free...
Blah blah blah..........
So I'm jobless a week now. Homeless come this time next month. And I'll be going to school fulltime this fall for free because I'm an Indian. So go ahead, hate on me.
Refuses to give up. I'm SO close. I just can't let it go. So maybe I fucked up, I have to do this..otherwise everything I've worked for will be for nothing.
Graduating will mean everything to me.
I don't care if I have to move to Alaska for grad school. I will knock down doors until somebody lets me in. I want to help people, it's what makes me want to live. It gives me purpose and meaning in my life.
I WILL be something. I am a smart person, I can't just give up and work at the casino for the rest of my life. I need to push through these hard times. Maybe this is what will change my life around for the better.
When I think of my future, I know what I want, and it's not living in a dumpy college apartment, struggling to make ends meet living paycheck to paycheck.
so last night nic told me something that really made sense. if you're upset about something or constantly worrying about something...don't. set aside 30 minutes of your day to actively think about it and to do what you can (if anything) to make it better. after that 30 minutes is up LET IT GO! for that day because otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.
i really should start doing this. it's not easy though because thoughts easily pass through your mind that you don't intend, but i guess you just have to work on controlling it.
i realize i'm in a semi-crappy place right now, but maybe everyday ahead of me, i can do a little something to make it better.
today, i went through my finances and wrote in my planner all my bill due dates and amounts that automatically come out of my checking account..maybe it seems obvious or trivial but i don't keep track of that stuff usually very well and this will help me be a little less worried about finances. +1 for the day...
ps-i really appreciate the advice given on previous entries. it truly helped
A day late..
Callie,
I'm sorry I'm late. Time goes by so quickly now that you're here. I hate it. I want you to stay my baby forever. You're already 7 months old. 7 months ago I delivered you in our bathroom. Wow. Over half way to your first birthday. Insane! Any ways... At your last dr.appointment (may 2nd) you were STILL only 67 cm long (roughly 26 inches) and get this, 19.5 lbs! You are off the charts for weight and normal for height. You sit soooo well now. You learn forward so far that you end up on one knee...but still you manage to sit back down with out falling (most times!). Recently,i moved you to your crib. Is maybe been a week. The pay two nights though you've ended up back in bed with me. You s sleep so much better that way...but daddy has gotten so used to you not being in bed that every morning his pillow magically ends up in the middle of the bed where you "used" to lay. You have hard a hard time pooping this past week...in fact you haven't pooped really at all since monday when you had your first BLOW OUT in cloth at the appointment. Other than that one time..you have not pooped out of your cloth diapers. So the cloth diapers are working well for us. I believe your sudden issue with pooping is caused by your eating habits changing. All of a sudden it seems you started eating purees. And then in a short time we moved you to eating twice a day. A fruit and oatmeal mix in the am amd then a fruit and veggie mix in the evening. You were eating really well for like a week straight.now not so much..i think you feel like your belly is full (full of poo!) So its uncomfortable for you to eat. Lets see....you love to stand now. If you're ever upset.. Standing you up..will stop your tears with out fail. We go out side every day. You LOVE grass. Your sister hated it. Oh, and speaking of your sister..you absolutely adore her. You talk and talk and talk to each other all the time. And laugh together. She is the best big sister and you are the best little sister. You have a great relationship with each other..i hope it status this good throughout your childhood and into your adult lives. Oh..your newest"trick"is talking on my phone. I use speaker phone so whenever I'm on it, you hold my phone and start jabbering away. Its the cutest thing. You are the cutest thing. I love you baby. And I'm so grateful you are a part of my life.
I can't even explain it, it's too long and it makes me too disappointed in myself.
The only thing in life that made me feel good about myself and accomplished and hopeful for the future was speech pathology, and i've slowly just majorly fucked it all up.
i'm so lost, i wish i could turn back time and do things differently but i know it can't. and i'm too ashamed to admit all the wrong/bad i've done in school and with potential letters of rec. from professors that are on the admissions board. i'm an idiot and i feel like i've lost all that i worked for.
My life is set for approximately the next two years. Hopefully, with little to no deviation. I'm almost done with my first semester of graduate school. I just have about 14 pages to complete before the end of the semester next week.
I'm slated to graduate with my Master of Arts in English Language and Literature in May 2013. I've been offered (and I accepted) a position to teach two sections of English 101: Freshman Composition as a Graduate Assistant. I even got hired by the University and all. I get a small (small) stipend, and a tuition waver for up to 20 credits per year.
I really want to teach when I graduate. I know that I will probably teach composition (hopefully at a community college) for a few years, and then I'll think about a PhD program. I'll see when I get there. I'll also be able to get a job as a grant writer for an organization, as I will be trained in that by the time I graduate.
Things are going. Things are happening. Good things.
6 months
Callie,
Happy late 6 months baby!
We had two appointments last week, started cloth diapering AND I took your six month pictures. At your check up you weighed 18 lbs 12 oz and were 26 and 3/4 inches. Short and FAT! You can now sit by yourself for a very long time..hours even. Can stand for a few minutes (holding our hands of course) and...here's the big one, YOU CAN CLAP! Right now you are sick...got a pretty bad cold. So does your big sister and me too. You love to eat your feet, and you need a
blanky to fall asleep. You are wearing 12-18 month clothes....autumn jumping up and down can make you laugh no mater how upset you are. You are eating every three hours during the day. Your last feeding is at midnight. Then you wake up twice in the nightstill.. Once at around four or five and then again at 8 or 9. Then you eat at noon,3,6,9 and then midnight. Oh and you still won't eat baby food. Once in a while you will eat a few bies of rice cereal...but that's it.
Several new posts from some old friends. It's nice to see that everyone is unsure about thier lives. Who knew we would all be dealing with such "adult" issues nigh on ten years ago.
Graduate school is easy. I started in January. So much less crap than undergrad ever was. With that being said, it's getting to the crunch time of the semester that I haven't quite prepared for because I've been busy doing stuff such as:
1. Working at the Writing Center 15 hours/week
2. Organizing a huge fundraiser for the Theodore Roethke House in Saginaw
3. Presenting at the Eastern Central Writing Centers Association Conference
4. Presenting at the Michigan Women's Studies Association Conference
5. Founding and hosting meetings of Anarchists without Adjectives
6. Applying for Teach for America
7. Applying for a graduate assistantship position to teach English 101 next year
8. Sleeping
9. Planning
10. Blogging
Between now and April 9th, I have a presentation and a 15-20 page paper to write for one class. Between now and May 1, I have a 12 page paper, a presentation, and several smaller assignments to complete. Oh, and probably about 2,000 pages of reading. Eh.
5 months
Sorry I'm late. It's been an interesting week. We took you to. The dr. Tuesday because you've had a spot beneath your eye that was puffy and red. She thought it was a Strep infection and so we started you on keflex. Today we got a call from your Pediatrician saying that the cultures were in and that she needed to switch the antibiotic. So... we started you on amoxiciilan today. Hope it works. She said it would most likely cause diarrhea and you've already got what looks like a test infection so...I hope it's worth it! Tomorrow is greenlee's 1st birthday party. Hopefully you can make it. :)
Some milestones for you...
You can sit on your own
You said mama today ( not on purpose I know but still!)
You can roll from front to back back to front
And can turn yourself in a complete circle
You can push yourself backwards across the wood floors
You laugh constantly...especially at your big sister
You're 17.5 lbs and 26 inches!
Oh and obviously that shows you still love to eat... but I've got you up to every three hours instead of two!!!
Don't worry I still love you even though you are attached to me every three hours 24 hours a day.
They say time heals all wounds..
... I am having a hard time believing that time heals all wounds, at least in this situation.
I may seem dramatic, petty, or immature. Some may think I over analyze every situation, just to find the bad in something. But honestly, in this situation, I don't have to look for the negative. It seems to present itself just fine. I didn't ask to be part of this. I didn't ask for an alcohol dependent mother, who uses her addictions to alcohol, cigarettes, weed, and sex, as excuses for how she "copes" with her miserable life. I didn't ask for a mother who chooses favorites when it comes to not only her children, but her grandchildren. Or a mother who stops talking to me when I mention her coming to visit me and my daughter at my house. A mother who blames everyone but herself for her miserable life.
Whether she realizes it or not, she treats me like shit. Like a mistake she'd rather sweep under the rug. I know she loves me, and that she does care, but she has a shitty way of showing it to me.
For years I blamed myself, lost sleep, shed way too many tears, and worried way too much. Blamed myself for her addiction. Even though I now know it wasn't my fault. Never was. Never will be. I lost sleep waiting up at night, constantly looking out my bedroom window just to make sure she made it home safe from the bar. Shed way too many tears because that is the only way I knew how to deal with the stress I put myself under worrying about her. And I worried way too much wondering where she was, or who she was with, or when she'd finally make it home. Those are not things a teenager should have to deal with or worry about.
I saw a different guy after another come into my home, and leave. There were only a couple that stuck around. When she was on again with Jim, the guys weren't so frequent. In fact, they had even stopped... 'til Joe came along. Then for awhile it was just Joe, then it was Joe and Jim, and then it was just Jim. And unfortunately, it was just Jim for awhile. She didn't come to school functions because she had to go to the BAR to watch him perform in his BAND. Seriously? You ditched your daughters school function, something that you can't get back, to watch your alcoholic boyfriend pretend to be a rockstar? Fucking perfect. Sadly, that was the story of my life through high school. In fact, I remember begging her to come to a spring concert, and I even tried to bribe her. Didn't work. Her response was, "Why do I have to go? I've already heard you guys play." That was also her same response to me asking her to go to band competitions, or home football games to watch the halftime shows. Except she'd throw in, "I can sit on the porch and listen to you guys play. And I don't even have to get out of my pj's and I can smoke and drink my beer." Again, seriously?
I knew disappointment all too well.
I am very grateful for my dad. He missed 1 volleyball game (because he was called into work), and missed one, maybe 2 band performances. He didn't care if it was all the same. He wasn't there for the music, or the sport. He was there to support ME, his daughter. Who he loves unconditionally. It wasn't because I was daddy's little girl, or because I begged and pleaded for him to go. I will admit, that him and I do not have the most perfect relationship. It's almost awkward, and he was way too easy on me. I could have gotten away with murder, and I'd still be an angel in his eyes.
Anyway, back to the point.
After graduation, I was extremely unhappy. But I was too scared to do anything about it. I didn't know how to change my life for ME. I was still being controlled by my mother. I was constantly fighting with Jim. And after having anxiety attacks after fights we would have, I knew something had to change. In the meantime, I got mixed up with a guy I met at work. He was 17 years older than me. Not attractive, but he showed interest in me. He said all the right things, and I thought I was in love. When I was with him, I didn't think about my mom, Jim, or any of that mess. Even though that relationship wasn't healthy on so many levels, and he controlled me, he gave me the strength and courage to stand up for myself. I needed to do something, not in a couple of days, weeks or months, but right NOW. While I was at his house one day, I was bombarded by phone calls by my mother, telling me I HAD to get home right NOW, and do dishes before she got home from work, I had to earn my keep. Even though I had not been home in close to a week. On the way home, I made arrangements to move out... 2 days later. I was excited for this change in my life. I didn't want to hurt my moms feelings, so I sent her an e-mail. Telling her that I was done fighting, and I wasn't going to make her choose between Jim or I. I had made that decision for her, because I already knew what her decision was going to be. I was done being hurt, disappointed, and being shoved out of my own house by someone I would NEVER consider family. And I needed a different environment. One where I felt safe, and had called home for the last couple of years, even though I didn't live there. She hadn't said anything to me about the e-mail, so I sent it again, and she still hadn't responded, so I printed it, put it in an envelope, and put it on the shelf in the bathroom before I left for work. I wanted to make sure she had gotten it. She was furious. She tried to talk me out of moving. But I wasn't going to change my mind. She called me on my cell phone, from the house phone, WHEN WE WERE IN THE SAME HOUSE, begging me to stay. She told me she was going to kick Jim out so I would stay. I knew that if I had told her I would stay, she wouldn't make him leave. She'd just tell me things would be different. Needless to say, after work the next morning, I came home to load up all my things, and she was still there. She packed the majority of Jim's things, and was kicking him out. But, I was still not going to change my mind. I didn't just need him out of the house. I needed him out of our lives, if I wanted any kind of relationship with my mom. Or so I thought. Since then, things have only worsened.
She REFUSES to come to my house. She's ALWAYS asking me to come to her house. When I tell her I am busy, she stops talking to me. When I mention her coming to my house, she doesn't respond, and won't talk to me until she asks me to come over again.
I am sick and tired of being the only one to make the effort. She has been to my house so many times that I can count them on 1 hand. I haven't lived with her in 5 and a half years.
Onto what hurts the most..
March 7, 2010.. A day that was one of the happiest days of my life. I found out I was pregnant. I was happy to tell my sister, my dad, and my brother. I knew I would get judgement from my brother, and I knew my sister would ask a million questions. Face it, thats her nature. She's extremely inquisitive. I was scared to tell my mom, and I had every right to be scared. If it weren't for my sister, I probably wouldn't have told her at all. I would have just let her figure it out, or hear it from someone else. Would have been easier that way. Instead, I heard every ounce of disappointment, and judgement she had to offer. There is nothing worse than telling your mother you are pregnant, and getting a giant sigh of disappointment followed by a hesitated "I still love you." Never in my life, have I felt so hurt, or betrayed in my life. I felt like my heart had just been ripped from my chest.
I'd be lying if that was the end of it..
A couple days after her processing the thought of me creating life, and being a mother, she decides to call me. And tell me that she's worried about me, and that I should have been using protection, so that I didn't have an unplanned child. Wait, it gets better.. She follows that up with, "I just have this feeling that Mike is going to leave you, or force you into an abortion." Are you fucking kidding me? Right then, I lost all hope that she'd ever come to terms with me being a mother, and be happy with me.
Unfortunately, she continues to bombard me with hurt..
By the end of that week, my sister announces she is pregnant. And my mother was so unbelievably happy for my sister and her husband. She couldn't wait to tell the world. And she did a great job of telling everyone she was so excited to have 2 grandbabies at the same time. She had so much excitement for my sister, that she let it overflow in to excitement for me, when really she still had judgement.
It was going great for awhile..
She showed up at the hospital when I was about to deliver. I didn't want her in the room, and she knew it. I knew that she was going to start in on me the moment she got there.. And I should have placed bets on Facebook, because I'd be fucking LOADED! As soon as she walked in the room, she started nagging me telling me I was going to hyperventilate if I didn't calm down. Really? I thought I was doing just fine for being in LABOR for the first time in my entire life. She only stayed at the hospital for maybe 2 hours after Reagan was born.
And she continues to find ways to hurt me, and get under my skin..
I sent her a picture text of Reagan. I was hoping for a response, at least saying "give her kisses from Grandma. Tell her I love her." But I got NOTHING. A day later, and still NOTHING. But she posts two links to 2 pictures of my nephews, that my sister had posted.. I don't even feel disappointed anymore. I feel like she is punishing Reagan for being mad at me. And that is not right at all. I am hurt that she doesn't say anything about Reagan. It's always about her Grandsons. I have always tried to fight for attention over my sister, because she is my moms favorite. I shouldn't have to fight for my daughter to get equal attention as well.
I wish things were different. I worry about what I am going to tell Reagan when she's older and wonders why Grandma doesn't come to visit. I want my daughter to have a Grandma in her life, and my mom is the only one she has. I don't want to lie to my daughter about why her Grandma doesn't come to visit, or make up excuses for her. But I also don't want my daughter to feel an ounce of disappointment from my mom the way she has let me down.
So, I have made a promise to myself, and my daughter. I will be the best mother I can be. I will use my mom as inspiration. I won't miss an important moment in my daughters life, unless there is nothing I can do about it. I will always be there for her, and I will NOT treat her the way I was treated. She is the best thing that has EVER happened to me, and nothing will EVER change that. I am so thankful for every moment I spend with Reagan, and I will cherish every single moment I have with her.
Callie is in my arms and autumn is asleep upstairs. As I read my two blogs ( one about baby scarlett who has brain cancer and the other about maddie who passed away of Sids feb. 17th at 4 months old) I can't help but feel so blessed to have everything I do. I must tell jared thank you when he gets home this morning. I have my two babies alive and well(minus a cold) and a husband that is perfectly happy working (and working hard) and letting me stay home. Every morning that I wake up and have my husband,daughter and baby alive...I am happy.
My heart aches for those not as fortunate as me. And their pain has made me realize EVERYTHING I have to be grateful for. Callie crying at 2 am.... me changing her clothes because she has pooped through yet another outfit....autumn coughing so much she throws up....and when they look at me with their sincere loving eyes....
I wish they knew what a difference they have made in my life and my childrens. Because of them I treat every second of every day like I might not get another.
Callie is in my arms and autumn is asleep upstairs. As I read my two blogs ( one about baby scarlett who has brain cancer and the other about maddie who passed away of Sids feb. 17th at 4 months old) I can't help but feel so blessed to have everything I do. I must tell jared thank you when he gets home this morning. I have my two babies alive and well(minus a cold) and a husband that is perfectly happy working (and working hard) and letting me stay home. Every morning that I wake up and have my husband,daughter and baby alive...I am happy.
My heart aches for those not as fortunate as me. And their pain has made me realize EVERYTHING I have to be grateful for. Callie crying at 2 am.... me changing her clothes because she has pooped through yet another outfit....autumn coughing so much she throws up....and when they look at me with their sincere loving eyes....
I wish they knew what a difference they have made in my life and my childrens. Because of them I treat every second of every day like I might not get another.
exhausted
Seriously. I do not know how a baby can wake up every two hours at night and then wake up bright eyed at 9 in the morning. And still manage on top of that to only nap a couple times a day. Im tired. You're crying right now and have been since at least midnight. Im about to go insane. I thought they say that babies will stop after a certain amount of time. Apparently you're stubborn. I hate it.
What has gone well? Hmmm, hard question, I guess my attitude towards getting better, I've decided I want change.
What has not gone well? The past couple of years (parts of them anyway)
How do (did) I feel? I feel in between right now. Not great, but not bad, I'd like to strive for great. I want to feel happy.
What do I fear? I'm afraid of being unhappy someday. I'm afraid of not getting into grad school so I can accomplish my goal of becoming an SLP.
What motivates me? I'm motivated by my family and by my drive to give myself and my family a good life someday.
What are my goals? To graduate with my bachelors, then masters, and marry someone who is loving and fun and who makes me happy. I want to be an SLP and help others, that will make my life worth living for.
What do I want for my life? I want to inspire and help others, but I also want to be happy for myself and with my life. I want to sit down on the couch and feel that I've accomplished my goals and feel happy about my choices in life.
What do I value? I value my family. I value my heart. I value people who listen. I value kind strangers. I value my friends who are there for me. I value my right to choose in more ways than one. I value people who are positive.
What am I really good at? I'm good at listening and caring for others when they're down. I feel like I've a very empathetic person and always want to fix others problems.
What is challenging for me? Right now, a lot. It's challenging for me to go to class, it's challenging for me to get out of the apartment and do things I need to do. It's challenging for me to eat right/exercise.
How do other people see me? It depends. Some people may see me as a kind, funny hard working person. Others may see me as a worn out, angry person who has given up. The first one is really me.
What do I enjoy? I enjoy the sunshine. I love the beach and the fresh air and the sand. I love driving with the windows down and smelling the country! I enjoy being with my family and dogs and laughing a lot. I enjoy tanning, relaxing with candles lit and smiling. I enjoy going for walks near the water and being around nice people.
Where am I dissatisfied in my life? I'm dissatisfied with my lack of motivation. I need to figure out how to change that. It angers me when I skip class b/c I have no motivation to get off the couch and go. I guess I just need to remember that I feel better about myself when I do go.
Where do I get energy from? Usually coffee or an energy drink, but I should work to change that to something more natural like exercise etc..
What takes energy away from me? Being depressed, it takes everything away from me, my energy included.
How do I most want to contribute to others? In a couple of years, I want to give people their voice. Their voice to communicate with others which is so important in this world.
What do I love to do? Good question, ... I love to laugh. I love playing with my dogs. I love accomplishing little things throughout the day.
When do I feel alive? I feel most alive when I've helped someone and I can walk away knowing their life is better because of something I could do for them, small or big.
When do I feel the most "natural"? After I get out of the shower and have washed off all the makeup and my hair is curly and wet and it's just me. Nothing to hide behind at that point.
To be continued..
What do I hesitate to admit about myself?
Where am I meeting resistance right now?
What do I most want to create?
If I was brave, what would I do?
What are my dreams?
What are my best gifts?
What have I always wanted to try?