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:: 2004 5 January :: 11.56 pm

"For You To Notice..."

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you need me, for you to notice me



HEY!! The bean game was not very fun for some reason...grrrr

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:: 2004 5 January :: 6.18 pm
:: Mood: unsure
:: Music: Dashboard...uNpLuGGeD

well...i am real happy to be back at school...i missed some of the people here A LOT!!!! Then there are people who...well lets just say...not so much...

I went to my communications class tonight too...it was real cool...

Alright...i am real unsure about this stupid apartment crap...it is stressin me out cuz we went from 5 to 4 to 3 to 2 to 3 to 4 to 5 again...AND we dont even have a place picked out!! What the SMACK!! If someone needs to leave the apartment I will cuz I will just live in the dorms again, or live with a guy or find a different roomate...i dont care...i just want it resolved...i am gonna go now and talk to my max cuz he will make me feel better...

2 Thoughts | Tell Me...


:: 2004 3 January :: 9.53 pm

Here is what happened tonight and what i learned from it...

I went to the basketball game and i am sooo glad i did cuz i miss it a real lot...i didnt really realize it before...it was real big part of my life here though...i dont know what i would have done without it...and i saw a lot of people there, and i didnt really talk to anyone...i mean i made small talk with petey g and pat and mrs webb, but other than that i didnt really care...

Here is what i found out...

1.) Ryan and Kenz WILL NOT talk to me if i dont talk first

2.) Graham is STILL hot

3.) I love basketball

4.) Cadillac people are real fake

5.) I might miss somethings here...but i am superglad to be going home tomarrow...

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:: 2004 3 January :: 1.58 pm
:: Music: The trouble with love is...

D-rok is making my cd today!!!YAY!!

My Max is going to K-zoo today...but i am going tomarow...

See you all tomarrow!!!YAY YAY YaY!!!!

I heart you all!!!

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:: 2004 3 January :: 12.05 am
:: Music: The trouble with love is...

So i was stood up by lots of people today...and the weird part is that i am not really that upset...

First there is ryan...I called him this morning to see what he was doing after the reunion...then when we were there it was a little weird to be around him, and afterward i asked if he wanted to do somethin and he said "umm i dont know" and left...then his car was gone when i drove by...so he was with Kenz...and the weird part is that i dont really care...I think i am finally starting to get over him...i dont need him or his validation anymore...hmmm

then there is anne and katie...they were sooo fun last night cuz we got stuck at katies cuz of the freezing rain....but they didnt call either...which isnt a big deal since i have been taggin along with them for the last 3 days...

And Finally My Max...we were supposed to go to the reunion together then to a movie...but he cancelled and we just met there and skipped the movie...but it was so cute cuz when we were there...dan was being a jerk and i was trying to just be supportive and he actually waited for me while i was talkin to Ry and thanked me and gave me a hug...it was cute just to be appreciated...that is why it is ok that he had to talk to Ty and sort of ancelled on me...I hope everything went ok, and i heart him anyway

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:: 2004 1 January :: 3.39 pm

i just talked to my max and he made me feel a lot better...

Also i worked up the courage to call ryan and it was for nothing...i dont know why i even bother...it takes so mych to call him and i et the same reply every time...oh well tomarrow will be fun...it is the Camp T reunion party and then max and i are gonna see our movie finally...Saturday is a basketball game and then it is back to K-zoo and the life i know again...i cant wait to get out of here...last night just cemented it into my head...i dont belong in cadillac and the people here arent ever going to change...no matter how much i do

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:: 2004 1 January :: 3.00 am

Sorry guys...i know all of my journals have been sort of down lately...but tonight absolutely sucked!

I have to vent...

Ok...I was totally having a great day...steve called me this morning, then i hung out with anne and katie all day and then we watched max play again...

THEN we went to a party...it was like 35 minutes away and so i drove there and we sort of did a carpool thing...THEN Katie decided she had to come home...so i drove her and kari back to caddy...BUT ANNE AND MAX STAYED THERE!!!

We were going to do something and now we arent and i cant get a hold of anyone on thier cells so i had to come home after i already told my mom i wasnt coming home, so then i had to actually talk to her and explain where i was and why i had to come home, which is way mre information then i like to give her...

I really wanted to hang out with max...we didnt really get to just chill tonight...for the past 4 years New Years Eve has SUCKED and i really thought this year was gonna be different....I hope that saying about what you do on new years eve is how you will spend the coming year....cuz this year is gonna be another shitter...DAMN

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:: 2003 31 December :: 12.34 am
:: Music: Dashboard...uNpLuGGeD

It is really hard to really love someone and live knowing you can NEVER be with that person.

I am not enough.

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:: 2003 27 December :: 1.07 am
:: Mood: need to think good thoughts
:: Music: Long Time Coming

Randon Favorites...

>Love Actually Soundtrack...pretty...ooooo

>Bend It like Beckham soccer coach....owow

>Cute actors who sing in movies...examples... oliver james and jesse spencer...be still my heart...

>Laughing with Family...much better than fighting...

>Good Sales...nuff said

>songs so good they give you goosebumps...
usually associated with and image...like in a movie or music video...but not always...

>new earmuffs

>giving gifts

>smiling at the very thought of seeing a person

>seeing the person and grinning uncontrollably...
like a fool

>having them know you are a fool and likeing you anyway

Ok, i had to get in a better place and i am now...i hope my little apiphany was entertaining...

3 Thoughts | Tell Me...


:: 2003 27 December :: 12.55 am
:: Mood: Feeling better
:: Music: Elton John

Oo Oo Oo...I went ut and bought some more stuff today with X-mas money...I love not being broke...anyway, i watched chick flicks with my grandma and my aunts and we ordered pizza...it was so fun!!!

Ryan is a sucky friend...and that is all i have to say about that...

I have to start work today so i better get to bed...have to have energy for the kiddies...

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:: 2003 26 December :: 9.55 am
:: Mood: Sick
:: Music: Dashboard...uNpLuGGeD

So i got real sick when i was coming home, and had to fly with a real high fever...that sucked...BUT it broke over night and i was a lot better yeaterday...and Christmas ROCKED...

I got to see my whole extended family and we had a real good day...OMG and i got 2 dashboard cds and both came with a bonus dvd...neither of which will play on my laptop so i have to find other means of playing them...but that is not the point...the point is that i am superexcited to have recieved them...yay

well...i have to go...but i heart you all and i cant wait to see you... :D

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:: 2003 22 December :: 12.53 am
:: Mood: tired

Yesterday i found a shirt store that let me pick out plain shirts and put any screen print on that i wanted...I got a kick-ass sweatshirt that says "Everything Is Bigger in Texas" and I got a t-shirt that says "Don't mess with texas"...I got a t-shirt for anne and Max too...

it is real fun here... taught them Phase Ten and we played two complete games tonight...I made dinner too...

i heart you guys...Night y'all...hehe

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:: 2003 19 December :: 11.22 am
:: Music: Watchin Dawson's

Ok, I am in Texas, and it is so pretty here...I miss everyone a lot though...it seems like forever since i have seen you guys...I read woohu faithfully though, so keep updating...things are so weird at home...I feel like so much has happened to me and that no one there really knows me anymore...but no one there seems to have changed...it is like walking into a time warp where i am different but they all expect me to be the same...i dont know...i just cant wait to come back...x-mas is almost here though...yay



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:: 2003 17 December :: 4.21 am
:: Mood: GGRRR
:: Music: Dirty Dancing soundtrack

Ok, so tonight was superfun...Max picked me up and i helped him pick out a present for his sister, then we went to his house and watched Tv and saw his family...they are really cool...THEN we went to LOTR ROTK...i was disappointed, but i was so excited, that maybe my expectations were unreasonable...let me know what you all think of it...but overall the night was good cuz i spent it with my Max...i heart him a lot...

oh yeah and last night i went to Ryan's and i realized how much i dont heart him anymore...

I miss you all bunches...i called craig tonight when i was in the theatre...i missed him and i knew he would be excited for me...

I am tired now...i think i will take some sleep...

I miss you and heart you all...less than 2 days til San Antonio...yay..

Goodnight all

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:: 2003 7 December :: 10.06 pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Counting Crows "Colorblind"

My Fatal Flaw, by Ephram Brown

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little....

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:: 2003 2 December :: 10.17 am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: None...watchin Dawson's

Yikes...I feel like absolute shit...grrrrrrr......

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:: 2003 1 December :: 12.50 am
:: Mood: tired

well this weekend wassn't as bad as i thought it would be...it wasn't neccessarily good though either...

I love it here on 1st fox though, as soon as i got back a huge weight was lifted...how am i going to make it through december in Caddy?

the weekend started bad cuz i missed sayin bye to some very important peopel, and then i rode in the car with ryan...jerk...BUT...then i watched the OC at KAsue's with my girls...wootwoot...and that was awesome...the rest of the weekend was a blur of elfing and movies with a little mom fighting intermixed as well...

tonight was superfun though...i played games and talked all night....which didn't leave time for any h-dub, but i will get up in the morning and do it...it will all work out...it has to...

I heart you all, and i am glad to be back...

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:: 2003 23 November :: 2.30 am
:: Mood: A little arg
:: Music: none...watchin Briget Jones though...

There are some people who leave and you miss them and think about them the whole time they are gone, then there are people you don't even realize are gone till they come back and ask if you missed them, then of course you have to LIE and say yes, but in reality your world would not be any worse if they had never existed...yikes...i hate that...that is probably one of my worst fears is to be the kind of person who not only gets forgotten, but when reminded of, people think bad thoughts about...

I am in a very strange mood...i should be happy...i mean thanksgiving is rapidly approaching... but i just can't...things in my head are pretty screwed up right now...the worst part is that i cant really talk to anyone about it cuz the people i usually talk to ARE the problem...

how do you tell someone who hasn't really done anything wrong that they annoy you and need to just leave you alone...i am a bitch, but i don't know if i can...there is nothing the person can do to change who they are...i just can't stand to be around them anymore...i feel as though i might actually hit someone...i have to build up my tolerance i guess...

Thanksgiving is a break from all of this...but it also thrusts me headfirst into the cadillac crap trap...i have to deal with my family and all the high school shit too...arg...

1 Thought | Tell Me...


:: 2003 19 November :: 12.39 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Dashboard- The Best Deceptions

GRRRRRR!!!!

2 Thoughts | Tell Me...


:: 2003 13 November :: 1.41 am

Dashboard;
I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you need me, for you to notice me

Dashboard:
I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye
wont be the only way you'll look at me then.

Mandy Moore:
Remember me
Feels like forever
Since the days
When we were friends
I don't understand
All these changes
I'm still the same
No need to pretend

Where'd it go..?
Do you know..?
Maybe it just doesn't matter

'Cause when i try to talk to you
I feel like I'm not getting through you
Where did we go wrong
It's hard to be strong
When I talk...
When I talk to you

There were times
In the beginning
When you were there
When I needed you most
We'd sit and talk
About the future
And laugh about
Us getting old

Do you know
How it feels
I hope that you know that it matters

But when i try to talk to you
I feel like I'm not getting through you
Where did we go wrong
It's hard to be strong

When I talk to you
I want you to know everything that I am
Don't want to know what life would be without you

When i try to talk to you
I feel like I'm not getting through you
Where did we go wrong
It's hard to be strong
When I talk...
When I talk to you

Fiona Apple:
"You'll never see -- the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow -- the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention -- to you

You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch -- these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown -- to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention -- to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie"


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