:: 2006 5 September :: 8.41 pm

Michelle and Jason- I am SOOOOO happy for you guys. The place looks and sounds great, sure i miss my michelle like CRAZY, but knowing you are so much happier is very consoling.

I am doing very well...i mean I don't really go out much, and i am sort of boring, but i am happy. I like just being in my apartment and making it cute, and watching movies and such. I have stopped smoking and am not drinking as much. I am just trying to get it together, i want to reach my potential, i am tired of feeling like i could do better, but not actually tryong to improve.

Today was my first day of class. I like my classes, they are goiong to be hard though. I will have to really buckle down and write a TON of papers. I am retaking history and computers, then i am also taking a poetry writing, a poetry reading, and an ethnography (anthropology) class. it i going to be crazy.

It poured on my way home tonight too, I walked from miller to the valleys and was soaked by the time I got here, but it was nothing a cup of tea and a fuzzy blanket couldnt fix.

I am sorry i bailed twice this weekend ricci, i just am not all about going out lately. On Friday for David's party, i was DD. It was fun and all,but i just am saving all my partying for my birthday at the end of the month. i want to go to monaco on my b-day (sept 24-its a sunday).

I am going to go take a shower and write a bit.

Love you all.

3 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 3 September :: 2.36 am

So i watched 3 really alicia movies and it made me very happy. I suggest anyone see Step Up, Take the Lead, and She's the Man. i also found another actor that is razor fine. Channing Tatum is my new favorite.

Goodnight moon.

5 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 30 August :: 12.08 pm

I have not written on here in a long time. I guess it is because i am happy and busy. I love my apartment. I am happy at kohls and school is about to start and it WILL be my last year. i have made someobsrvationsabout myself and my friends and i realized i am tired of putting so much time and energy into people who put notime or energy inot me. i am content with the friends i have who are real and true. Almost all of them are faraway right now, but they are in my heart and thoughts and that is more comforting than having a million people here that mean nothing and know nothing about the real me. the gist of this diatribe is: near or far; i love you guys.

2 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 28 July :: 9.48 pm

So, I have a lot to say, but i dont know how to make the thoguhts into words. I love you all though. I am sorry if i have not been around enough. I am also sorry if i worry you. I am doing well. I have not been in the zoo for more than a couple days in weeks. I have been in caddy mostly. My cali aunties were here and i have been spending a lot of time with sean and ryan at camp. Ryan and i are doing realy well. KEnze has been in europe, so i feel like we have finally had some time to get back to being real freinds, hopefully this will not change when she gets back, even more hopefully, i hope i can get to be real friends with her again. Sean is leaving for ecuador soon and i am sad about that, but happy that we have been able to hang out so much lately.

I need to see you guys this week. I will be in kzoo sun-wed or thur. I MISS YOU. (Ricci- I am glad you hung out, but i wish you would have stayed, all we did was stay at my house and play cranium.) I love my locust st. Brigade, but i love my cockmobile crew in a more deep and profound way. My phone is dead right now, but call me this week.

I LOVE YOU!

Tell Me...

:: 2006 15 July :: 10.02 pm

I have changed. I am new and different. I am the same sometimes though. I realized this week how long it had been since i donkey-laughed. I missed it. I missed laughing hard. I miss the old, but am embracing the new. I am sad. I dont like goodbyes, i am bad at them. I dont like change, but i love new and exciting. I love to learn new things, but i hate doing so in a structured way. The past is gone. i need to let go. The future is coming so i need to hold on, maybe.

Tell Me...

:: 2006 30 June :: 5.39 pm

so 30 seconds to Mars is playing at the intersection on the 7th and i have an extra ticket. If you are interested let me know, it is 13 bucks.

1 Thought | Tell Me...

:: 2006 29 June :: 12.43 pm

1. I NEED to get the Panic! cd...maybe Chicken will let me rip it...
2. I am beside myself becaus ei have just met all of these awesome new people and i feel like i could really have been close with them, but they are leaving. arg...i guess i should just enjoy the time i do have.
3. I love dancing around the livingroom to loud music.
4. Face left yesterday, Allison and Mel leave today, and I work all weekend.
5. I talked to Ryan yesterday and it was glorious.
6. No more smokes until July 7 Alicia.
7. He is just precious.

Tell Me...

:: 2006 27 June :: 12.42 pm
:: Music: Douche-face mix 1

Tell Me...

:: 2006 25 June :: 1.02 am

I IMed max, then freaked and couldn't talk to him. I am fucked up deep down in a place that takes a lot of work to fix. I have made a life for myself that he didnt want to be a part of and i dont know how to be the person he knew. we have not communicated since Aug 17, 2005 ( I checked our message history) and that was just online...on the phone or in person, it has been...a year...or maybe more. He used to be my best friend. He doesnt even know me now. he had never heard of One tree hill for god sakes! Who knows me at all and has no idea about my BIGGEST OBSESSION?

I need to think of the good stuff i was writing about earlier:

d-champ has green eyes.
Chris makes me laugh.
Watching the boys play soccer w/ mel2 was awesome
Cartel
pearl
Mel is back tomarrow?
tomarrow is tourgasm, monday is RAW
I dont work tomarrow, but i worked 40 hours tis week.
this is my last week before 3 weeks off!
class ends this week too!
My aunties are in caddy RIGHT NOW!
ryan, sean, and jessie miss me.
yesterday i rapped.
jen Barreling through the woods.
I was an animated tour guide...a lorax perhaps...
I won a signed OTH pic...

ok that is enough...bedtime.

Tell Me...

:: 2006 24 June :: 11.45 pm

I feel it slipping away.
fingers and mind grasping
nothing but nothingness
touching without knowing
then know
only when there is nothing left to touch
it comes and goes
without noise
the silence speaks to me though
talking, but not understanding
touching, but not feeling
loving and hating
all that i am, was and will be
until i am nothing too.

3 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 24 June :: 11.19 pm

i feel like it has been a year since i have seen any of you. I miss you. I also feel like i am traveling down a path that is leading me farther and farther away from you guys and the person i used to be. This fact makes me sad because not only do i like you guys, but i liked that person too. the thing is though, i am very happy right now. I have not been using substances to make myself happy...as it may seem...since the stories i ell usually have to do with em...but that is just because those stories are the most exciting. The real reason i am happy is because i feel like i am finally making the connections i was longing for with my new friends. We are learning about eachother and i am very sad that allison and jen are going to be moving away.

here is the other thing...i LOVE randoness, and so much random-ass shit happens when i am in the ghetto, it blows my mind...I mean I WENT to the MAYOR'S house. and regos is his son...and i play euchre all the time again...and we listen to music and D-champ writes poems and shit...and allison and i call eachother al and it always makes me happy...

last night was CRAZE. There was about an hour there that i COULD NOT stop laughing. it was out of control. Then there was laying between the cars w/ mike, jen and chris looking at the stars, and the nature hike, and jen barreling through the woods to hide, and the long-ass walk that ended when he mole fell into the sewer...the pizza was amazing and sitting on the couch passing the wine and OJ back and forth...oh, and mike pretending to be a cowboy, and me rapping w/ chris beat-boxing, and watching the sunset through the trees, and the war-game in the livingroom.
There was some drama, but i still had good times, fo sho!

I know it feels like we are losing touch, and in fact we are...but i really want you guys to know, that i want to hang out, so please, call me. I have from July2-July22 off from work, so i will be in caddy and here...CALL ME!!!

I love y'all!
Goodbye

Tell Me...

:: 2006 23 June :: 1.47 am

so i went to the mayor of portage's house tonight...random, but fun.

Tell Me...

:: 2006 22 June :: 5.51 pm

Why is night so brutal?
Day bleeds for night.
The darkness smeering red across the sky before finally put out the light.
Morning comes gradually,
like it is sneaking into a world that has shunned it.
Day shines brightly after gathering strenghth,
but uses all its energy and gets slaughtered every night.
Night always wins.
Some days darkness stays on.
Some days are actually nights.
Some days never come.

3 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 20 June :: 2.53 pm

i got ripped out of my mind last night. wow. gotta run some errands now, then i think mel2 and i and i are gonna watch the boys play soccer...we'll see.

1 Thought | Tell Me...

:: 2006 19 June :: 11.14 am

this weekend was fun. I went out w/ the locust st crew and jen bowling on thur. then iwent out w/ the cockmobile crew on friday and watched a movie w/ jen sat. LAst night Miche;;e met a bunch of the locust st brigade when she came down to watch tourgasm. it made me happy. then we wathed annie hall, but i fell asleep, twice. oh well, today i am giving plasma....*scared*...but degrandchamp is going w/ me so we will see...

2 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 16 June :: 3.13 am

i dont know what to do, about any of it...I feel things but i dont know how to express them...it is hard for me to love...trust...it is hard to let the people know that they mean something, and that they are cared about...i forget to act...sometimes i get stuck in thought and my own mind bogs me down...

Tell Me...

:: 2006 14 June :: 10.26 am

i feel like every few days i lose focus. i have not drank or smoked gange since friday, but i still feel like maybe i have made a mistake hanging out with these people. i LOVE them, but they seen to be more intrerested in partying than relationship building or taking care of themselves. I dont know...i guess i just feel weird about spending so much time and energy on a bunch of people that dont know me and dont seem to care to really.

here is my other thing; i miss camp. I miss it more everyday and knowing that at this very moment they are at staff training and missing me (which i know they are because i have talked to 3 of the staff members from last year and they have all been very sad at my absence) makes it A LOT WORSE. I know that i made the right decision, but i can't help it, i miss it like crazy and i thik it is onl going to get worse the more alienated and sad kalamazoo makes me.

I have noticed that kzoo has a tendency to depress people. It is weird how people are happy, then they come here and it sucks the joy out of them...it is a joysucker. i have also noticed that people keep running away from kzoo. I want to run away, but i need something to run to, and want someone to run with...

4 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 12 June :: 6.34 pm

Soy un perdador
Music is power
Some people strike terror
Into the hearts of millions
With one chord
While others can gain
Allegiance
Devotion
Love
Respect
Soy un perdador
I don’t know how to play guitar
I don’t know the placement
Of finger to strings
Or of notes to music
I can’t sing
I can’t make my voice
Into the current
Directing melody down
The river
I am the rock
Soy un perdador
I bring pain to brains
And ears
And glass
I strangle a note
until both of us lose breath
and it dies
and I inhale
Soy un perdador
Music is power
It escapes me
Yet it is a passion
Beyond the adoration I have felt
For anyone else
It is living
Even now

Tell Me...

:: 2006 12 June :: 11.52 am

i got home today and had a package waiting for me in the office. I thought my mom had sent me a surprise...but it was BETTER!

I opened the envelope and inside was an AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF THE OTH CAST!!!

woot. i love great surprises.

3 Thoughts | Tell Me...

:: 2006 8 June :: 12.01 am

today was awesome and sucky all in one. I went from an absolute high after seeing chip to feeling like my future happiness is in serious jeopardy. we'll see...

P.S. I love Chip though.

2 Thoughts | Tell Me...