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2006 6 June :: 1.22 am
tonight i went to the ghetto again. I did not drinl, but i tried to smoke the rest of my pack of little cigars and only have 2 left. after this, i am not buying any more.
the drama continued and they seem to like to fight over me. it is weird, they both want me to be nice to them and not so much the other or something. I dont know either one enough to choose a side, so i remain nuetral.
Mel was belig then i got there at 1030. so was allison. i was just a very strange night. i think there might be a little hooking up over there. alas, i am going to bed now...alone, but happy to be drama-free.
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2006 5 June :: 7.10 pm
miche;;e is coming over!
YAY!
*claps giddily*
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2006 4 June :: 1.56 pm
dont tell me the sky is not blue today
i am not blind
i see through you dont i
dont tell me i am better off
i know what is best
i know you are not it
yesterday you said things
vomited words you didnt mean
but couldnt stop
Your words left you
they flew away and landed
in my ears
to drill my brain like a woodpecker
speaking of peckers...
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2006 2 June :: 11.30 am
:: Music: Fiona again
i identify with many of her lyrics....
"Paper Bag"
I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
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2006 2 June :: 2.56 am
tired like whoa...
today was a very eventful day, here is a recap:
Yesterday crystal ams mel told me about going to party USA and invited me, i in turn invted them to hang out by the freshly opened pool. Degrandchamp of course got in on the festivities too. I came home last night and got to cleaning. I cleaned my bathroom and room pretty well and then got to sleep at 5am. I woke up at 945 to call crystal for a morning adventure to goodwill, and by the time she got here and we went there, we were hungryso we went to JJ and called mel and mike. mike didnt answer so i left a message, and mel couldnt decide, so we get to the car and mel says she wants some, so i go back insie and get her a sandwich, then right as i get back to the car again mike calls and says he wants soe too, so i went in for a 3rd time. finally we get to the ghetto and we eat and go to party usa. we looked around fro a while, it was fairly sparse on the piate themed decorations and such but by the time we left crystal had to get ready for work, then we called jon and mike decided to bail, so we just went to the ghetto and layed in mels backyard w/ jon. Mike ran some errands and then chillaxed too. Jon and mel made food and then the 3 houses decided to have a little (haha) party. Allisons had jello shots and beerpong, mels had a fire, and jons had beerpong (and drugs). I hung out byt the fire most of the night, and i had a lot of jelloshots, but they started to make me feel queasy, so i was drinking cherry coke, but for some reason this did not make people happy, so they hept giving me free beers. I stopped drinking really early though so i could drive home, but at like 215 i was at jons w/ some people and mike cut the shit out of his finger being a drunk-ass. I tried my best to help, then i came home. I am tired like whoa, but there are so many questions that i have in my head now. i will have to contemplate and get back to y'all.
PS. I love hugs.
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2006 31 May :: 11.31 am
I love you, don't forget i have gone through very similar shit before, and i am here if you ever need me.
I took my CS midterm today and i am not feeling especially good about it. I thought i was prepared, but i was wrong. Also I do not have to work tomarrow or friday until 430pm, so if anyone can do anything tonight or tomarrow, cell me.
I love my new friends, they are fun and we make adventures all the time....but i miss you guys a lot. I never just chillax anymore, everything is always in motion and blurry and i havent really gotten the chance to conect with anyone on a deeper level. AND it is redonk how much alchi i consume with them. It feels like we never hang out without alchi or hookah or pot or cigs or something. I have not smoked any pot though, even though i have been offered numerous times.
Here is a song i have in my head:
This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact i cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache
(MICHELLE- remember the fat man in the water in the vid? HAHAHAHA)
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2006 29 May :: 11.50 pm
well, tonight i watched the pistons lose, but with a very cute boy who seems very different than anyone i have ever met. the back of my thighs are fried and i saw 2 people i forgot existed. overall, great day...and night. I could have stayed and gotten drunk and high, played beerpong and ran through the sprinklers, but i decided to bail and sleep for my shift @ 8am. DAMN YOU KOHLS! Oh well, it was a long hot day and i am glad to be in my bed.
That is all, goodbye.
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2006 29 May :: 8.44 pm
Roll a new love over
In the middle of the day there's a young man
Rolling around in the earth and rain
Hey mister if you're going to walk on water, you know
You're only going to walk all over me
Somewhere in middle America
Get right to the heart of matters
It's the heart that matters more
I think you'd better turn your ticket in
And get your money back at the door
i hate missing people, but unfortunately, it is inevitable.
I have given up my new love for an old one....me.
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2006 27 May :: 10.01 am
um, i think i have gone retarded
So i think i have gone reterded, last night was the caddy party and i think...wait i KNOW i made an ass of myself in front of a lot of people from high school. I have been having a lot of social anxiety lately and i have therefore been drinking it away, and last night was no exception. I dont know what is making me all crazy-like when there are people around, but it is like a freakin compulsion to like run away. i need to do better.
I think it is hilarious that brad hated his hair...why did he let me cut it anyway? Well it is good now i guess....why do these boys trust me?
it is frusterating when the one person in the world you trust doesnt see you as the same way, because then little shit can get between you.
i am ecited to go back to the 'zoo and hang out with some people that i have actually seen in the last year...and like hanging uot with....who are not dying...yet.
last night i smoked a cig...no surprise there...but my friends here got all up in arms...there was a creep a leep involved...but that is not the point...one cig is nothing for me...i have done so well...especially lately when i have been hanging out with all these people that smoke all the time...i have only smoked probably 3 cig or cigars in the last month. I dont know how to impress upon them that they really need to not naysay on things they know nothing about. Cigs are bad...i know... i love you guys, but just leave it alone, my life, my lungs...none of you were looking into making out w/ me...AHHHHH Story: the creep a leep had his lighter on a retratctable cord to his pocket....HAHA...
on to better news:
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2006 24 May :: 11.29 pm
Here are the things i am feeling nervous and excited about:
1.) Katie's Party in Caddy on Friday.
2.) Chip is coming to k-zoo on Monday.
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2006 23 May :: 11.40 am
Jim is SO cute!
The office finale was spectacular, I loved it SO much that now i need to watch it next season. FO SHO.
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2006 23 May :: 10.40 am
last night adventures were had. there was vodka and knife brandishing and blood ad tears and yelling like whoa. I am going to go eat now, I vove mel, ps.
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2006 21 May :: 12.10 pm
last night i went to the party.
It was very fun. I hung out w/ allison.
Mike had flag eyes...bad news bears.
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2006 18 May :: 2.07 pm
One Tree Hill made the cut...ITS COmING BACK!!!!
thanks for your help guys...
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2006 15 May :: 1.15 pm
:: Music: The sound of my Indian Lab instructor droning about Stupid Computer Shit.
I hate this class, and other useless rants.
I hate this class, it is so tedious and boring. We learned how to use our broncomail accounts.Arg a larg. I had to answer questions like how do you reply to an email someone has sent you? YOU HIT REPLY AND THEN TYPE YOUR REPLY AND HIT SEND!!!!
ANyWay...
This weekend was fun. I got all my moms flowers and dropped them off, then went to the Davis' where Brad's dinner of choice was Chinese. Mmmmm. Kenz was there too, so i sat next to Brad and let her sit next to Ryan. I find it funny that for Brad's b-day he had none of his freinds and 2 of ryans. ph well. then we opened presents and had cheesebake and brownies and icecream. Ryan brought his dartboard from his apt and mike, ryan kenz and i went out and played for a REALLY long time cuz brad's friend Kyle turned up, but then Kyle's annoying girlfriend showed up too, and Brad and Mrs. Davis came out to play darts too, but Vicki had taken 2 sleeping pills so she was not very good. Brad got his friends to leave and she went to bed and kenz didnt want to play anymore, so the 3 boys and i played for a while, then we went inside and i trimmed brad's hair (WHAT WAS HE THINKING?!?!?) then i went back tothe G&G. NExt morn we went out to the cottage and i got to spend time w/ the fam. I have a list of things to look into @ kohls, and i had some great convos w/ the cuzs.
Last night GRey's Anatromy was CRAZE. I was at the G&G and i was so riled i actually threw the magazine i was reading on commercials, and i was YELLING at the TV. it was ridic. I drove back to the zoo today and i am very tired but must now do some comp hdub and then work tonight. WOOt.
I am excited to hang out w/ my girls this week. I MISSED YOU RICCI!
I am going to CAddy the 26&27 for a b-day party that will eb a blast from the past. Anne, KEnz and Ryan will all be in attendence, and i am EXCITED. Im so excited....Im so excited...*hums a little tune* *person next to her in lab looks annoyed* *JUDGiNG*
ANYWAY!!!
2 more little tidbits:
1. I am hakin indian costumes this summer....sewing them....eeee
2. We had a photoshoot in the park and the pics are gonna be amazing, i will let youknow when they are one facebook....
GOODBYE
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2006 10 May :: 12.22 am
Old entry
Well, here you go. myfirst one was stupid, but here is something that made me laugh:
:: 2003 21 October :: 1.18 am
:: Mood: better
:: Music: none...watchin Briget Jones though...
[ edit | delete ]
Alright, so i am really sorry if i worried anyone with my last entry or my MSN name...i was having a breakdown and i REALLY just needed ryan...fortunately, he was there for me like he promised he always will be. We talked for like over an hour and i only cried three times and i only hung up on him once...that doesnt sound good, but it was better than i had expected...I am just so lost and i have trust issues and control issues and people walking all over me issues...basically i have a lot of issues and ryan really helps me put things in perspective...i may miss him or get mad at him a lot...but i dont know what i would do without him either...i guess it is a case of you cant live with em and you cant live without em...
Her are my new goals...
1. Think about ME more
2. Tell people what i am thinking
3. Stop falling for the wrong guys
4. Stop trying to contol things so much
5. stop being so scared of getting close to people
6. Stop being afraid of being alone
7. Don't push people away
8. Don't let things build up
9. Stop worrying what other people think so much
10. Relax
instead of doing what i would normally do which is stay up late and get nothing done, and feel like crap, i think i am going to go to bed...it is very draining to have a breakdown...I thank my lucky stars i have ryan, or else i dont know where i would be right now...i heart you Ryan!!!
I called ryan cuz it made me feel like it (duh) and he laughed. I like that even after all the drama he is still my boy.
i am excited about brad's b-day party this weekend. I miss those crazy davis boys. I LOVE THE DAVIS FAMILY! I think i need to marry into it. hmmm...who shoudl i chose...
I am sick and need to sleep now. NIGHT
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2006 9 May :: 1.47 pm
ONE TREE HILL WON!!! The new CW schedule doesnt get announced til the 18th though. Cross your fingers!
P.S. BT is hetero
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2006 8 May :: 12.32 am
sometimes hope springs from the least likely of places. tonight my friends all had other things they were up to, and i was bummed because i couldnt find anyone to go to Monaco w/ me. Then i watched GReys anatomy and decided i had to give Piano guy-tim the cd i said i would make. Now of corse to was slightly awkward and sad to go to the bar alone, but it ended up that i had a good time. I drank a drink and listened to some music and the bartended was really funny w/ all the drunkards. then when i was leaving, i went onto the stage and the first thing Tim said was "where's my cd?' HE totally remembered me, and he was super excited about the cd. he sat and read the playlist and then thanked me. it was sort of surreal. In a night when i felt completely forgotten, a stranger made me feel worthwhile. I can't wait to go hear him play one of my songs.
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2006 7 May :: 4.12 am
drizzy drizzy drizzy
i love mel.
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2006 5 May :: 1.32 am
Check out my boy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iABTW_msagY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ffTcKIBWVM
I miss him.
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