[Being To Be]

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.52pm

Really? Sometimes all I can do is shake my head.

:: 2011 17 November :: 8.50pm

Fuck me red

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2011 15 November :: 2.26am

After a horrible start, my day turned out pretty good! I cried on the way to work and by the time I left I was laughing and feeling optimistic.

I'm going to work on doing things for me. Like doing my hair and make up. The little things that make me feel better when I take the time to do it. :)

I can do this

:: 2011 13 November :: 11.04pm

Going home early from work because I just can't sit here anymore.

The more I look at other people the more inadequate I feel.
I'm ashamed to be me. I'm so boring. Uneventful. Plain.

Feel like icky plain yogurt with no sprinkles or anything.

I feel ugly and obese.

TSUMARANAI.

I'm just so disappointed and disillusioned.
I'm tired and depressed.

All these people at work. They love purses, make up, babies, getting their nails done, etc. And I'm such an outcast. I feel so pressured to be something I'm not. It's a mindfuck. Everyone thinks I should have a baby. Or get a new boyfriend who will want a baby. Or get married. And I don't want any of those things.

I'm so exhausted by all of it.

:: 2011 6 November :: 1.17pm

I'm so fucking sick of all these fake assholes that call themselves my "friends"

All they do is ignore me when I need help and the nit pick everything just to piss me off.

I'm tired of always being there for people who can't even give me the time of day.
I'm sick of missing people who don't miss me.
I'm done with trying to make new "friends".

I really just wish I could destroy shit right now. Just tear something to pieces and watch it burn.

:: 2011 5 November :: 2.25pm

I have lost 6 pounds. I haven't been consciously trying to lose weight. Though I really need to get the weight off.

I'm so happy and proud of myself! It's a small step, but it's a step none the less. And the fact that I haven't been trying makes it more sustainable than hardcore dieting. :)

Things are really looking up! Sus starts his testing, I have a nice car for winter, I have a wonderful puppy, I've greatly reduced my drinking.. :)

Go me!

:: 2011 2 November :: 6.50pm

I want to visit Alaska :(

:: 2011 29 October :: 1.14pm

Low low low
Im feeling very discouraged today. Life isn't what I thought it would be. Things never go as planned.

I went to a house party last night. I only knew the host and her boyfriend. Needless to say I was a complete outcast. It reminded me a lot of work. I go, smile and nod at the people talking and then go home to watch star trek. I enjoyed being around others, but I never have anything interesting to say, no stories to tell.. I felt like a total loser. Also, being the biggest girl there and the only one without a costume also put me in my own circle. Basically I was the fat kid at school that everyone ignores because being fat somehow equates to being mentally handicapped or diseased.

I just want to feel like part of the group. I used to take a lot of pride in being different.. But that's when I had friends who were different too. Now I just have acquaintances who put up with me because they get something they want out of me being around - showing off their "bisexuality" to attract men, ego boosts, free booze or other party favors. I'm tired of just being needed for what I can get other people, not for being an enjoyable part of someone's existence.

Also I found out that thanks to hurricane Irene we probably won't be getting bonuses this year. And prolly minor raises if any. Yay.

I have no idea what I have to look forward to anymore.

:: 2011 25 October :: 8.50pm

Starting to look at rental houses :3 oh the excitement :3

:: 2011 21 October :: 3.39pm

Movie mania this weekend :) 50/50 with Peter and The Thing with Sus! Sooo excited :3

I need a haircut.. What I really want is to get extensions! I am so impatient in growing it out.. My hair grows SO slowly..

Finished making my skittles vodka last night. They aren't as delicious as I had hoped for but they were a fun adventure! I think I'll be experimenting with infusions in the future :3

I absolutely LOVE my new car! It's a V6 so I can actually get up hills and catch up to highway speeds in a reasonable amount of time. It's silly, but I feel like I'm driving a charger or something. Haha

Things are looking very up right now. Sus tells me I have nothing to complain about anymore haha. I've got my puppy, an awesome car, my bills paid.. Things are actually not so bad :)

Now to just get Sus into school and we'll be golden!

:: 2011 19 October :: 6.22pm

New car.. New winter coat.. Better relationship with my family.. Today is a good day :D

:: 2011 17 October :: 11.44pm

It's days like today I wonder why the fuck I even bother.

:: 2011 8 October :: 5.01pm

In retrospect.. I'm not really sure who was getting shafted in that relationship.

And honestly it isn't important I guess... But I don't understand why it hurts more now than it did then.

I feel so worthless compared to all the people who've left my life. I know I shouldn't base my self-worth on the success of others.. But for once I'm starting to believe that I'm really not better than anyone else.

I know I am marginally successful. And I know that some of my failures aren't necessarily my fault. But I can't help but feel like this is the best I'll ever achieve and it makes me wonder what's the purpose of existing? I'll never be happier than I am right now. I'll never be more successful.

I have an interview with Liberty Mutual in Redmond, WA on Wesnesday. I'm consumed with a desire to get back there. But.. Yesterday I exchanged emails with my dad and spoke to Sus about it.. And now I'm not sure if this is the best choice. On one hand I love Seattle and how much there is to do, the weather.. But on the other hand I don't have any friends there anymore. I don't have school to help me meet people. If something happened between Sus and I, what would I do? Where would I go? I think moving back would help us be happier, thus making our relationship better, but you never know.. Then there's also the logistics of moving. We'd need to find a big enough place for the right price, hire movers, break our current lease or find someone to take the lease over.. I'd need to get my car in running order since it'll be a commute to get to Redmond.. Sus told me he isn't ready to move.. Since school will have less distractions over here..

I'm just all kinds of confused and I just wish I had some answers and guidance. I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I have no clue what I'm doing.

:: 2011 6 October :: 2.47pm

How would my life be if something had for once just turned put how I meant it to..?

Would I still hurt? Would I be happy?

I just wish I could know what it felt like to have something go as planned... To succeed.

...

My brother wrote me a letter.. I'm going to read it next Thursday with my parents.. I'm terrified.

:: 2011 5 October :: 8.19pm

34 BMI
240 lbs

I just did 20 mins of rowing with 25lbs of resistance. I had to stop because my hands are cramping. I barely feel like it accomplished anything.

I'm feeling like a complete loser. A fat, worthless, stupid loser. And I'm sure many people will agree with me.

Honestly I feel like I'll always be a fat stupid loser. I'm nothing to be proud of. I quit everything I start before I finish. I'm worthless.

I just wish for once I had the support I needed. The help I needed. The drive I needed. But I won't because I'm what's standing in my way and I have no fucking clue how to get out of it.

:: 2011 2 October :: 8.07pm

Can I just crawl into a hole and die now..? Fuck.

:: 2011 2 October :: 3.02pm

Requested info from WSU's BA of Social Services degree program. My parents suggested I look into it, since I work, can't drive long distances and need a degree. I originally was going to do an AA in Communications from SCC, but I think this will be a better idea. It's a better degree from a better school. Plus I want to go into the HR field and from what I researched, Social Services degree is a lot more geared to HR, while communications is more for VP's and what not.

I really need a degree to get anywhere in this company. I really want to get away from customer service. I am at my wit's end with this fucking people.

This job makes me feel so fucking shitty. I am probably the only one who isn't a new hire who hasn't earned a bravo award. My boss hates me or highly disapproves of me. I'm the only one who isn't married/has children or a college degree. I feel like an outcast here. I feel looked down on. Coming to work makes me feel like I'm the most pathetic waste of life here.

I want out. I want to do something else. I love my benefits. I love my pay. I just want to feel like I'm valued. Which I'm not.

:: 2011 27 September :: 3.09pm

I'm exhausted after having nightmares all night. This stress is getting to be too much for me.

:: 2011 21 September :: 6.05pm

I try. I try hard to be responsible. I always make sure bills are paid, I make sure they are paid on time. I try to balance that with stress relief, food, and paying off debt. But honestly I cannot get ahead. It's like at every turn I'm sent to collections, or a get a stupid moronic fee. I'm not a bad person, I'm not someone who isn't dependable. But these companies don't give a fuck about the individual, they just care about their profit margins. Times are difficult and I'm supporting more than my fair share. Rent's too expensive, but I can't afford to break the lease. I didn't have the support I needed from my family when I was bed ridden, so I accrued massive debt, on top of the debt I got when I made the mistake of moving here under false pretenses.

I am so exhausted. I never get a good night of sleep. I never feel safe and comfortable. I feel like a complete waste, I feel like an irresponsible dumb fuck. I don't know what to do.

Dad told me he's proud of me.. The more I think about it the more I feel like he's just saying it because he loves me and he knows I'm struggling. I know he thinks I've made a series of bad choices.. I know I'm the disappointment in the family. I just want to say honestly I'm trying the best I can and trying to fix all my juvenile mistakes.

World.. I'm sorry. I am a failure, but I'm trying to change that so please be patient.

:: 2011 12 September :: 2.17pm

Half way thru my week already. I love working four tens!

Tho sadness that I don't have money for any vodka this weekend.. :/ but I guess it's not horrible since I don't really have any friend plans this weekend.

I've become enthralled with Star Trek Voyager. I find myself holding my breath and clutching my couch while I watch it. I'm so silly, but honestly after a long day at work it feels good to escape into the future with good people who I feel would accept me for my differences. I wouldn't be the weirdo there. Unlike here.

I am getting very disappointed with all my "friends" in Spokane. They are all too far away, flakey or busy being adults. Or "antisocial" which, I'm pretty sure, is Spokanese for "Amelia is too weird/offense so fuck that shit." Whatever.

Lots of important birthdays coming up! Yay the birth of my favorite people!

:: 2011 11 September :: 7.05pm

I find it amusing when, at work, when I'm obviously fucking around on my cell phone, people will start talking to me from their desk across the cubicle wall. They'll ask an extremely long winded question and then say my at the end. We havent made eye contact before my name has been said. Once I hear my name I look up and ask them what I can help them with and they respond with a sigh and angry laughter.

Seriously? I obviously wasn't paying attention to you. Why are you mad at me? It's so ridiculous.

:: 2011 10 September :: 2.20pm

It's nice to know that he's proud of me.. Even if I'm not following the quickest path to wealth.. I feel like the struggles I'm going through are a really good learning experience.

Now if only I felt like I was succeeding in my life. I hung out with my sister yesterday.. She's growing up to be a gorgeous young lady and I have to admit I'm very jealous.

I feel so boring.. Fat.. Ugly.. I feel like one of the masses. Unremarkable and forgettable. Replaceable. I have no spark left. I have no passions, drive. I do what needs to be done to continue existence, but I'm no longer really living my life..

Though that raises the question if I was ever really living in the first place.

I just don't know what I should be doing. I see my sister with this group of friends who love her and enjoy hanging out with her.. I have nothing like that. I have Emily.. But we're both too busy to ever see each other.

I wish I could be someone people would want to be around. And honestly I don't see what I'm lacking.. Sigh.

I'm tired..

:: 2011 8 September :: 3.37pm

I can't fucking win.

:: 2011 6 September :: 2.17am

Amelia: n. Failure. n. Waste of time. n. Unending disappointment.

:: 2011 5 September :: 12.56am

I look back on my life and I wish so desperately that I had a period I could look back on fondly and say, "I was happy once" but.. Throughout my whole life I've always managed to get fucked over or do the fucking up myself..

I feel as though I'm destined to have nothing but bad memories. Failed attempts to make something more out of my life than suffering. I want to have just an extended period of time where, even if I wasn't exceptionally happy, at least I wasn't miserable either.

I feel like trying is a futile effort. And I want to give up so badly.. But if this is all there is, miserable is better than nothing.

I'm only human. I'm doing the best I can with what is given to me. Is it really too much to just ask for a hand once in a while?

Apparently it honestly is.

:: 2011 4 September :: 6.13pm

Fuck California. They can all rot in Hell.

:: 2011 26 August :: 4.37pm

All necessary bills caught up.. Rent paid a week early (WITH a motherfucking receipt, learned my lesson).. And enough left over to go out on a much needed date!

Now to decide if we want a movie or a strip club.. Or Irv's. Descisions, descisions! :)

But def getting some sushi! X3 Nom, nom, omnomnom!

Haha also this girl made a HUGE effort to apologize about being a flake and came over, kept talking about how she just wanted to have angry make up sex with whoever she could, and how much her ex hated us, and when we didn't take advantage of her, started completely ignoring us and then removed us from her facebook friends. WTF? this is how I view EVERY Spokane resident. Batshit crazy.

:: 2011 23 August :: 3.12pm

Haha I am "the weird chick" at work. I'm pretty sure people are nice to me so I don't kill them when I go postal.

disclaimer: I probably will never go postal since I dont hate anything about my job. Except for the woman who talks about NOTHING BUT her 2 year-old.. A topic I have absolute 0 interest in.

:: 2011 20 August :: 11.06pm

Jeff Jag

:: 2011 19 August :: 6.13pm

Why is it I can't find anyone to hang out with Wednesday and Thursday, but come Friday everyone and their dog wants to come over??