[Being To Be]

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[Being To Be]

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:: 2011 23 June :: 11.21am

I want to salvage my day without taking pills. So I need to start thinking positive and focus on the good things in my life rather than this issue that won't go away over night and is completely ruining what's left of our relationship.

So.. I have an adorable puppy who loves me and misses me when I'm gone.
I have new amazing friends who spoil me like I deserve to be spoiled.
I have a wonderful job that's easy and has good pay and benefits.
I'm smart, skilled and live in a country where I can be myself.

Idk if it's helping yet. But here's to healing!

What do you think?

:: 2011 21 June :: 6.25pm

Day 4 w/o meds. I can't even tell the difference.

I feel like it's a little too soon to say I'm cured, but I feel so good that I want to say it :)

What do you think?

:: 2011 20 June :: 10.57pm

Had my first sober girl experience the other night............ AND LOVED THE HELL OUTTA IT!!

Tbh I was worried I was of those obnoxious drunk lesbos but I'm totally a sober lesbo haha go me!

What do you think?

:: 2011 17 June :: 5.08pm

Gr. >:(

What do you think?

:: 2011 15 June :: 1.09pm

:( I honestly think this has been the shittiest week ever.

What do you think?

:: 2011 14 June :: 6.28pm

I'm tired of being #5.

Can someone please stop my life? I want to get off please.

What do you think?

:: 2011 13 June :: 12.35pm

What do you do when nothing feels right and you don't get a moment's reprieve?

What happens when everything you thought you knew turns out wrong and you fall?

Is there really any life to be had here?

What is it that I'm fighting for?

I feel like there is so little meaning left in my life that is not really worth it to move forward. What do I get out of living? A hollowness? An empty vacant space where a heart used to be? My dreams all crushed and forgotten. My hopes trampled down. I've forgotten what it feels like to have something worth working towards. I feel as though I'll never see beauty in the world. I'll never look at spring the same way. I'll never be happy again.

What do you think?

:: 2011 13 June :: 2.09am

I dont know how I should feel. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm lost.

Things are hard. And impossible.

What do you think?

:: 2011 11 June :: 9.33pm

"motorboating over the phone just isn't the same."

What do you think?

:: 2011 11 June :: 3.57pm

I'm a little disappointed.

Ok maybe a lot.

I just want it to work out. But I know I'm the thing preventing it.

I'm a terrible waste. Such a shame.

What do you think?

:: 2011 8 June :: 1.10pm

Bjorne is losing his baby teeth! We've caught 2! So cute!!

What do you think?

:: 2011 7 June :: 1.51pm

I'm so fucking sick of being so dispensable. I'm so fuckin sick of being an average sack of shit. I'm sick of being worthless and meaningless to everyone in my life. I want to run away but can't because people are dependent on my money. Not me. My money.

I'm fat, ugly, too tall. I'm perfectly disgusting, repulsive. I'm a putrid waste of space. Of air. Of food. And what's better I'm a walking misery machine, making everyone I come in contact with more miserable then they ever have been.

And no one cares.

What do you think?

:: 2011 6 June :: 7.13pm
:: Music: Foo Fighters - my hero

I just put lyrics to a song on FB and then it came on Pandora! I love this song

What do you think?

:: 2011 5 June :: 9.44pm

I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.

What do you think?

:: 2011 5 June :: 2.50pm

I'm ready!

Start: 244

End: 160

Time frame: 1 year.

April next year I will be a bombshell.

What do you think?

:: 2011 2 June :: 2.46pm

I feel very unwanted. I feel very disgusting.

I feel like I have no real friends. I feel alone in the cold, world so cold.

I just want to feel happy. Beautiful. Important. Needed. And I don't get that from anyone or anything.

I'm in a dark place. And there is no help for me.

What do you think?

:: 2011 31 May :: 12.43pm
:: Mood: anxious

Let's try again...
I'm seriously considering going back to UW and staying in the dorms again. I am getting really excited just thinking about it. I really want to focus on my education and if my dad agrees to the arrangement we had before then I'll be set.

Yes, it would be living in the stupid dorms again, yes I may get stuck with a horrible room mate again. But I think I've grown a lot in the last few years and I think this time I can really do it. I want to succeed in life, I want to get my degree and move forward and be everything I know I can be but was too stupid to care about last time around.

I know it'll probably be a big landmark in my relationship, but honestly, this is REALLY important to me and if Sus doesn't want to support me then we need to reassess our relationship. Though I don't see him not supporting me, I can see an agruement about not living in the same place anymore. But I think we'll work something out. I know we can do it.

But it all hinges on what my dad says. I can't really do it if he doesn't agree to help. I'll have to wait until I qualify for financial aid, and I know that's at least another year away UGH

I'm really excited and nervous and this is exactly what I needed. I need a goal that's obtainable and important. I'm finally where I need to be to be driven to do something.

I will succeed. I will overcome. I will be the successful one in the family.

What do you think?

:: 2011 30 May :: 7.44pm

I'd give up forever to touch you.

What do you think?

:: 2011 29 May :: 10.57pm

It's sad. I look back on my teenage years with such nostalgia for something wonderful lost. And yet they were probably the worst years. But compared to now life was good.

Life had meaning. Feelings felt like something worthwhile.

What do you think?

:: 2011 28 May :: 3.12pm

I'm so fucking done with my life.

[ e d i t ]

I know I'm probabaly over reactiv but honestly it's just a constant shit storm over here. First it's my tire, then its all my tires. Now I don't have enough for electric. We have to eat shitty bad for you food because I dont make enough to afford better. I'm gaining weight like a motherfucker and I can't do anything about it because I'm so fucking tired all the time. Work is so stressful and hard to deal with, I was late to work today because the approve OT w/o so much as a call and I didn't think to call them. I feel like I'm a failure. No one to admire. I work hard, I have nothing to show for it and then this stupid bullshit happens.

I just want to go to school and that's it. Or I want a job that isn't so stressful and tedious. I'm so tired of living in this town where no one accepts me. They are all so shallow and backwards here. No one gives a shit. No one anywhere gives a shit. I have no fucking clue why I moved here. I knew it was a lie, it was too good to be true. And now we're stuck here.

I think I have manic depression. And I think it's getting worse everyday. Happy pills don't help anymore. Nothing helps. I don't even feel happy when I'm messed up. I feel like I'm going to turn into a junkie in the street or something trying to find anything that will make me happy.

I'm so fucking tired of being broken.

What do you think?

:: 2011 27 May :: 4.15pm

I am so.. so.. SO tired. I just want to crawl in a hole n die.

What do you think?

:: 2011 25 May :: 12.46am

Honestly is it even worth anything?

What do you think?

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.32pm
:: Mood: rejected

i feel so low right now i feel so lost i have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing and I feel like I'm facing the great unknown by myself

There is so much I wish had turned out different. There's so much I wish I could fix, undo, unsay.. I hate who I am sometimes. I hate that I always need an escape.

I smoke a lot now. I stopped drinking. I can't wait to be somewhere else. I can't wait to live away from all the backward assfuck rednecks.

I'm so ready to be reborn.

What do you think?

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.27am

I have a phone interview with Vertafore. They are located in Bothell.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and whether or not my relationship lasts I really just want to move back to Seattle. I hate living in Spokane. I hate pretty much everything about living in Spokane. I hate the people here, the layout of the streets, the weather, my job.. I feel crushed, stifled, choked with all the conservativism.. With how little personal freedom one gets here. I hate it.

This move isn't for him anymore. It's for me. I want to get off my pills, I want to feel motivated to lose the weight, I want to be happy with where I am and feel safe so I can move out of my comfort zone. I don't even have a comfort zone here.

I know they worry that things will fall through and I'll be stranded in Seattle without friends or family.. But honestly I know I'll make new friends. And I can't exactly move in with my parents if things do go south anyway. So what's the big deal? I don't see how they could help more with me being in spokane vs Seattle.

I just want to have a fresh start in a place that isn't full of bad memories and failure.

What do you think?

:: 2011 19 May :: 2.09pm

Always being wrong is getting fucking old.

What do you think?

:: 2011 13 May :: 1.10pm

ready for a do-over
i'm so tired of this old, worn out place.
i'm so sick of getting the things i want then getting bored of them.
its ridiculous how little i enjoy in my life anymore.

i'm so ready for feburary.
i'm so ready to start moving forward in my life rather than stagnate here.

i am so depressed.
i am so worn out.
i am so fed up.

i'm full of rage and of disgust and of venom.

What do you think?

:: 2011 13 May :: 12.04pm

He's taking the job. Roomies can be happy now, he won't be over again for a long time.

What do you think?

:: 2011 13 May :: 1.16am

I feel like actually giving up. Not just saying it but actually doing it. I TRY. you don't. Why?

What do you think?

:: 2011 11 May :: 10.12pm

I just want to get so fucking trashed I forget my life ever happened.

I hate every fucking day. I hate every fucking hour.

I feel useless, stupid, abused, victimized.

I never look forward to getting up.

The best part of my life are my nightmares. Because it's not my life.

I'm done feeling. I'm done trying. I'm just fucking done.

What do you think?

:: 2011 10 May :: 8.15am

I feel like you have just given up on me. Like everyone else. Why should I care about myself anymore?

What do you think?

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