[Being To Be]

:: 2011 16 January :: 7.46pm

Lots of bad feelings. I'm done with today.

:: 2011 16 January :: 11.21am

I really hope I get this new position. 51k is way better than 31k.

:: 2011 12 January :: 10.10am

I've lost 5 lbs since Monday!!!!!

I'm so happy I could scream!!!

:: 2011 9 January :: 9.45pm
:: Music: NIN - we're in this together now

"Awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
They pick and they pull
Trying to get their fingers in
Well they've got to kill what we've found
Well they've got to hate what we fear
Well they've got to make it go away
Well they've got to make it disappear"

:: 2011 7 January :: 3.50pm

Medifast got here today and I got my hair done :D I look uber sexy! My hair is platinum with a purple shadow. It's very nice!

I'm really hoping Medifast works for me. It's helped a shit ton of people and as long as I stay strict I know I can't at least succeed a little. My starting weight is a little embarrassing so it's not going up here. But hopefully within 10 months I'll get down to 165 and be fit. Diet and exercise, school and work. It's going to be a real struggle balancing everything along with working on the relationship. How do people do it?

I know I can succeed because I have the support I need. Now I just need to see the first bit of results for motivation. I will succeed and I will DDR again.

Plus once this is all said and done I'm totally getting an augmentation. Nothing big, just up to a solid D on both sides. For celebration and self confidence.

:: 2011 2 January :: 3.58am

Do you ever feel ridiculously ugly and unwanted...?

I hate feeling like this.

:: 2010 28 December :: 6.34pm

I miss expressing myself.

:: 2010 22 December :: 7.43pm

Alaska at last :)
Landed safe in Alaska :) hanging out at home with Danielle and Sus :3
Corky's a little under the weather haha but it's self-inflicted..

When shopping at Freddy's and surprisingly found a bunch of great shirts for Sus's Christmas presents :3 and no big taxes! Yay! Now all he needs is pants and he's all ready for college fashion-wise haha I'm really excited for him :)

It's nice to be on vacation away from all the stress and darkness that is Spokane. I feel happier now that we're getting a break and I can focus on trying to fix what I've broken. It's a good opportunity for me.

:: 2010 12 December :: 12.14am

Driving on the freeway, fogged windows and the rain coming down in soft sheets, like bed clothes for my heart.. Beautiful echoing in my heart and mind. The music gently carrying me

I have to remind myself we are far from home.. And yet I still allow myself one blissful moment where I forget.

I am complete. I am home in my heart.

:: 2010 11 December :: 1.43pm

I feel like poo... And I have to go to work.. :(

today is a blah day. I really want to just go to Alaska. I need a vacation from Spokane.

:: 2010 3 December :: 6.57am

I'm so fat. And hideous. Perfectly um-fucking-touchable.

:: 2010 1 December :: 12.32pm

I miss abilify.. But not the hunger that comes with it.

:: 2010 28 November :: 1.03pm

Day 1 without Abilify.. Wish me luck!

:: 2010 25 November :: 1.22am

Sigh.

:: 2010 19 November :: 8.55am

Damn erratic sleep needs. Now I'm up at 8 :/

:: 2010 14 November :: 9.34am

I'm sitting on the couch with my little bazooka. I just fed her some fancy feast, let her lick my hand, purring, and pet her cute little face. It's her birthday month. I've had her for 3 years.. And these are probably the last few hours I'll get with her.

I love my baby. I am torn to see her go. There's a heaviness in my heart, but I know it's for the best. She'll be happier in her new home, more space, a better catbox, more money to have nice things and a perpetually clean litter box.

I'll miss her. :(

:: 2010 10 November :: 12.56pm

I'm suck a LAZY FAT FUCK.

:: 2010 9 November :: 10.52am

I'm so freaked out I can't sleep..
My car..
My cat..
My weight..
My debt..
My credit..
Christmas..

Ugh. I just want to sleep

:: 2010 8 November :: 1.41pm

There's a heavy pain in my heart.. And I hate it.

aerii

:: 2010 4 November :: 2.09pm

Thanks for coming to my birthday Mamelia and Sus!

:: 2010 3 November :: 2.07pm

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it..
And usually the anwser is no. But that doesn't change it.
I'm getting tired. And I can bring myself to get loud and fix it.
I'm just getting to be exhausted.. Every second is a battle to stay awake.
I could have slept all day today.

:: 2010 3 November :: 2.49am

Big warm fuzzy secret heart..

I need like 14 more drinks and maybe I'd be ok.
But right now... Oh no.
:/

:: 2010 30 October :: 6.47pm

First thanksgiving where I'm running the show!! I'm so excited!!

Alixz is helping with some exciting smashed Parmesan potatoes!

I'm making a salted lemon-oregano roasted turkey, mushroom strudel, some salad and the obligatory cranberry sauce in a can!

I'm really super stoked to be cooking this year! And I'm really excited to make the day after turkey pot pue which I missed out on last year!

I just have to decide if I want to work a shift on thanksgiving or not.. It's my normal day off.. Hmmm...

:: 2010 30 October :: 1.49pm

So I've decided I'm going to try the diet Corky is on.. I'm hoping that I'll be successful.

I'm struggling with self esteem issues and my appetite is out of control even with prescription diet pills. I just want to lose the weight, feel attractive, relieve my back pain and feel healthy and happy. Everyday I look at myself and see my pretty face and hair and I like that, but I see my fatty chin and big pot belly and just feel replusive. I want to look as pretty as I know I am. I want to look like I used to.

I really want to play DDR again. I want that happiness back.

So, this is my plan;
step one is pay back my dad
step two is pay off my bestbuy card
step three is pay off my Bowflex card
step four is buy Medifast
step five is pay off student loan
step five is pay off Wellsfargo

step one will take 2 paychecks
step two will take 2 more
step three will take 6 paychecks
step four is going to push everything 1 paycheck out
step five will take 16 months (but it's good for my credit so I don't mind that taking forever)
step six will take 13 paychecks

I think the two year plan will make it just barely :)
and with Medifast hopefully I'll move back to Seattle one hot bitch.

:: 2010 29 October :: 11.23am

Last night was theraputic. :)

:: 2010 28 October :: 7.52pm

I need to just understand that I'm not supposed to be happy or enjoy what I have.

:: 2010 28 October :: 10.55am

Last night was really fun :3
especially in the bedroom ;)

now onto lunch with my family!
And then an evening with a cute girl!
And then the couch comes on Friday!!1!1one1!!

Yay for good weekends :D

:: 2010 27 October :: 1.29am

I realize clearly now I made a mistake.
I regret it almost everyday.

:: 2010 26 October :: 12.08pm

Hmm.. I'm tired. But not sleepy.

I'm bored, too.

And thinking college might be a little further off than I thought.

I'm disappointed, but I'm just assuming at this point, which I'm not supposed to do, so I won't worry..

I'm glad our apt is looking super homie :)

:: 2010 24 October :: 8.03pm

Two year list:

1. Pay my dad back
2. Pay off Best Buy card
3. Go to college
4. Pay off Bowflex card
5. Pay off Wellsfargo card
6. Finish paying off Sallie Mae
7. Get a promotion

pretty good list.. :)