[Being To Be]

:: 2016 2 April :: 5.16pm

all aboard the edible express.

next stop: fuck your couch.

:: 2016 1 April :: 9.29am

I have been in constant agony for the past few days. my arm hurts so fucking bad. I can't focus on work, I can't sleep at night.

today is just fuckin wrong on so many levels

:: 2016 29 March :: 9.56pm

I miss rolling

:: 2016 28 March :: 10.39pm

falling in love again, never wanted to, what am I to do, I can't help it...

:: 2016 28 March :: 11.34am

dear grandpa
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you

I miss you so much

:: 2016 28 March :: 6.46am

I'm still really mad.

and when this boy crashes and burns, don't expect me to be there to hold you.

:: 2016 27 March :: 12.50pm

there's a little part of me that hopes maybe..

but maybe I'm also just crazy.

I felt sad this whole weekend. It's hard missing people. my birthday is soon. and I'm really not looking forward to it. I am excited for 9 days away from work and a fuckin awesome road trip with the bestie.. but otherwise I'm just getting ready for a disappointment.

the last several years haven't been the best. I just hope maybe if I keep low expectations I might be cleverly surprised.

:: 2016 26 March :: 8.51pm

why do people suck so bad

:: 2016 24 March :: 11.52pm

I feel as though I can never do right by you

:: 2016 24 March :: 5.25pm

who ever makes a "time machine" will be a very rich individual

a machine that can allow the user to view any memory they'd like..

maybe even replay your favorite dreams?

I would be much more interested in that

I need a dc mini

:: 2016 22 March :: 9.51pm

this roller coaster

maybe I can take control

:: 2016 20 March :: 8.19pm

he's got me lookin so crazy right now

:: 2016 16 March :: 5.18pm

friends
the dragons we face alone in the sunlight
burned out faces and faded sparks
people husks drifting in and out
looking for the start of a fire

with all their eyes watching
fortify your mettle
bravery is only as far as your heart
use my key to open the door into you

the people see only with their eyes
blind to what's hidden there on your heart
an essential secret only I rightly see
a little jewel inside a protective case

I will go with you
I'll face my demons too
you are never all alone
because I carry your heart in my heart
with me where ever I go

:: 2016 16 March :: 5.12pm

I'm just begging you to give up on me
have to find the reason that will make you say goodbye
fast forward to the end without knowing the whole story
but I like to assume anyway

what dirty laundry will make you run
my panties out on a line for the whole world to see
does it smell sweet
I find it all so repugnant
but you see right through to me

I'm just finding the reason for you
counting the days until you lose my number
become another great what if
the pieces I'm made up of

:: 2016 15 March :: 6.27am

daylight savings can suck my dick

:: 2016 13 March :: 8.49am

dogs are just the fuckin best animal out there

I love you bubba and baby dog <3

:: 2016 10 March :: 7.41am
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Vanessa Carlton - Rinse

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
She needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
If only he was mine

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

:: 2016 9 March :: 7.39pm

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. please don't make me go. I just want to stay home and forget the world exists.

I dread work every single day. I dread it all weekend. time crawls by when I'm there. and the worst part is that it's a really nice job. the people are nice, the money is nice, the work isn't ridiculous.

I just fucking hate being there. it's lonely. and monotonous. and complex for complexity's sake. it's hard to always be the bad guy.

and I am so sick of commuting I might rip my eyes out. I need to stop taking the freeway and start exploring more.

:: 2016 8 March :: 9.49pm

and just like that I feel the flutters slipping away.

my heart is heavy. nostalgia ripping me apart.

yearning for simpler days.

I miss the summers, when love was still so sweet and new. I miss feeling like the world might have some hope.

but there is no hope.

:: 2016 6 March :: 8.50am

I'm tired of being warped..

:: 2016 3 March :: 5.06pm

must not sabotage
must not sabotage

stop looking for reasons to say no
start saying yes
unless it's really a no, never feel guilty for saying no

it just seems too good to be true
I'm waiting for an axe to fall

but maybe it never will..?

when can I stop being cautious? am I even capable?

:: 2016 2 March :: 6.45am

a promising first date makes me very excited.

now to decide if the second date should be today.. or some other day..

all I know is I said "not the first time we hang out" and he respected that!!

what is this gypsy magic

:: 2016 28 February :: 7.55am

this train woke up on the wrong side of the tracks

now we are careening downhill at 200 km/hr just waiting to hop the rail and sail into a wooded oblivion

:: 2016 27 February :: 3.29pm

sometimes I wish I could disappear.
swallow a pill and forget the past 20 years.
start over fresh with eyes that are new.
sick and tired of this twisted point of view.

:: 2016 25 February :: 9.42pm

just know that I love you.

:: 2016 23 February :: 5.17pm

"it blows to miss someone you hate"

I've been missing him for what feels like an eternity. I don't want to miss you anymore.

:: 2016 20 February :: 7.31am

this weekend much fun what excitement

all credit cards at zero balance? roger roger
ready to tackle student loans? shoot to kill
possibly fixed my trunk issue on my own? I would like to thank my training as a technical support associate -- could taking out the battery and putting it back in fix the problem?? let's find out!
losing weight and feeling good about my curves? can I get a hallelujah amen!
dropping cymbalta like its a bad habit? work in progress... reimagining user personality matrix.. calibrating emotional interface regulators... rebooting mother drive (continuously)...

my boss's boss is pregnant, she is due March 25. her baby is named Cole. we measured her belly and all guessed the due date, and then our business analyst sent out pictures of 6 babies and we had to guess which manager started as the babies. it was pretty adorkable. then people brought in their babies the day after. so many babies. and everyone is pregnant. it's making me feel more and more insecure about my lack of children.

:: 2016 16 February :: 6.08pm
:: Mood: hopeful

And everyday I wake, I tell myself a little harmless lie.....

The whole wide world is mine....

:: 2016 12 February :: 10.46pm

why is it I always want to write in you when I'm drunk In a bar

:: 2016 9 February :: 6.42am

the morning always comes way too soon..