[Being To Be]

:: 2013 16 December :: 8.04am

This business trip was a BAD idea. I guess all I can do is try to make the most of it.

:: 2013 15 December :: 8.53pm

Fuck everyone.

3 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 15 December :: 6.18pm

Landed safe in Philadelphia, laying on my hotel bed.

I like the diversity here. It's refreshing to see a minora in the lounge of the hotel next to the Xmas tree.

But otherwise I am feeling a little upset and a little sad and a little angry. I'm sure it'll be fine tho.

:: 2013 13 December :: 6.40pm

Days like today.. I am SO HAPPY to be alive. <3

:: 2013 9 December :: 12.53pm

Days Twelve and Thirteen
I missed a day because.. shit happens. Gratuity under the cut.

Read more..

I am starting to regret this living situation. Hopefully as time goes on it will get better. Really I just see so many little things that drive me crazy. Particularly that stupid excuse it seems all of my friends use when they really need to be taking care of themselves: "I can't afford any more medical bills." So basically what you're saying is you'd rather push everyone away, make your life a million times worse and never obtain the things you want because you refuse to get the mental help you need. It's not like your health will wait until you make more money. And in the mean time, while you're deciding not to get help because you are a selfish asshole, people around you are getting hurt, your family relationships are falling apart, and you are well on your way to a complete mental break, which will end up costing you far more money in the long run. But you're right, it's completely understandable that you don't want to spend $100 now (rather than on say, junk food or booze) and just pay $20,000 for your inpatient psychiatric care or have your family pay for your funeral. That makes total sense to me.

Really I just see so much of my 13 year old self in her. And as much as I want to help her, I know that when I was 13 you couldn't tell me what to do. I was just going to do it. The first step in getting better is having the desire to do so. Quite frankly, I think that some people (as one of them myself, in the past) really enjoy being depressed, low self-esteem whiners because it gets you some attention. Not really GOOD attention, but when you live your life hoping someone notices you, any attention feels good.

I just don't know how you can be 30 and still having all these pre-teen issues. It's been this long and you still aren't tired of feeling bad all the time?

:: 2013 7 December :: 10.35am

Day Eleven
I'm grateful for my sister. Without her if probably go fucking insane. She keeps me grounded and helps me build proper perspective. But best of all she helps me improve myself. I love you, Zuzu.

I'm grateful for cookies and bacon on cold days. They really help sooth the savage soul inside me.

I'm grateful for being able to change my mind on what I believe. The perpetual evolution of my beliefs makes life a little more bearable.

------

Shit is fucking hard on the home front.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 6 December :: 4.41pm

Day Ten
I'm grateful for drama tv, Viking friends, and emotions.

First huge blow out with the roommate. It's pretty intense and I felt horrible. So I apologized and I'm ready to move forward and she's not still.

I'm worried about the future now.. Bleh.

:: 2013 5 December :: 3.32pm

Day Nine
I'm grateful for lazy Thursdays with my family. Watching movies from the 40's, cuddling with puppies and cooking. It's nice and relaxing to just chill for a day.

I'm grateful for the social changes that have happened in the past few decades. It could always be better, but it's better than where we started!

I'm grateful for naps. I love sleep so.

:: 2013 4 December :: 10.00am

Day Eight
I'm grateful that Matt didn't show up. Fuck that guy. Lying sack of crap.

I'm grateful for crossfading, leading cause of me not having hangovers after feeling really messed up.

I'm grateful for all of my friends. They have been so sweet and supportive, when though I haven't always been. They make it easier to get up in the morning :)

:: 2013 4 December :: 5.28am

Rest in peace, Chica. We loved you with all of our hearts, where you will remain. You will be missed.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 3 December :: 6.50am

Gotta clean the apartment today. I already have the sweeping mostly finished, the kitchen I did yesterday. Just need to mop and wash the bathroom and I'll be gtg. It's not a very big place, but my back already is tired and I've been cleaning for about an hour.

I need to learn patience. I think living here will help me with that.

Day Seven
I'm grateful for Chica. She has been a good dog for the past 15ish years. I can't believe it's probably over. :( it was all I could do not to cry last night, and I had to leave because I just couldn't deal with it. I'm going to really miss Chica Bica the Ant. And her little butterfly piggy tail.

I'm grateful for breasts. They are so lovely and nice, soft and pillowy, beautiful and sultry.

I'm grateful for comfy beds. They have saved my life a time or two.

:: 2013 2 December :: 10.30am

Day six
I'm grateful for being alive. I think I often wish I could stop existing, but for the most part in really glad to exist and I don't particularly care to find out the alternative.

I'm grateful for Sundays where I get to have an awesome time and listen to some awesome guitar playing!

And I am grateful for this pair of pants lasting as long as they did!

:: 2013 1 December :: 9.56pm

Day five
I'm grateful for intoxicants, without which I would be dead.

For sex, as it's been my greatest motivator in life so far.

And for phone that can be used as a computer!

:: 2013 30 November :: 9.23am

Day four
I'm grateful for my friends Samie and Lauren. They are my two best friends in the world, and I don't know how I survived without them. I'm grateful for being alone/single for the past 10 months and being able to find out things about myself. It's been very interesting. And I'm grateful that I met my neighbor yesterday and he said we could use the washer and dryer :)

:: 2013 29 November :: 10.28am

Day three
I'm grateful to have a career in a company I can feel good about being a part of it. I don't like my current role, but I love the company and I don't trust other companies. I'm grateful for colors. They are my favorite thing. I'm grateful for mysterious tv shows.

:: 2013 28 November :: 10.03am

Day two
I'm thankful for living in a state in this country where I am free to be myself. Whoever that ends up being. I'm thankful for Bjorne being such a sweet and good dog, he's the light of my life. And I'm thankful for reconnecting with my family. I feel so much more complete now that I am close with them again.

3 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2013 27 November :: 6.04am

Wanted a TED talks about positivity and happiness. So, calling out three things I'm grateful for over the next 21 days.

Day one:
Im grateful for kittens and their adorable antics, for puppies and their sweet faces, and for warm soft jackets because they keep me toasty and comfortable and make me feel safe.

:: 2013 26 November :: 2.37pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Pandora station: Modest Mouse

Got off work early today, so I decided to take this time to do my hair. So while it's processing, I'll write things... and stuff..

Firstly, I love this apartment. Our neighbor might be kinda creepy, but otherwise it's lovely. It's cute, great location, and I like my roommate too. And the puppies seem to love it too. And they get along with the kitty, which is sooo cute.

I was pretty apprehensive about moving out, but I am feeling pretty good about it now. I miss seeing Zuzu every morning and I miss hanging out with the family, but it's so close it's not really a big deal. I'm really proud of myself -- I've been keeping up on the dishes and the kitchen, so it hasn't gotten out of control. Granted, this is only week two, but things can go awry very quickly haha

I still need to organize my room and what not, but mostly it's clean. The apartment is pretty cold, but that's to be expected with the windows and skylight. I'm thinking about getting some curtains or something to help insulate in here better. And make it charming :)

I bought furniture to go inside the apartment, and it should be here around 12/17. I'm so stoked, because all the furniture we currently have hurts my back. Then we'll have our house warming party to show off how cute it is in here. I am so excited to have my own place to decorate and live in and it's mine. Living with Sus, it was always Sus's stuff, and we couldn't decorate, and things had to look his way and what not. But now, we decide on things together, and we have pretty similar tastes, so things are working out well :)

I'm going to Marlton, NJ for a week to mentor employees on No Fault. I'm really excited about it. I bought some clothing and shoes so I can look somewhat professional over there. I bought a dress from Vanity ($10!!) and I wore it all day on Saturday, and it felt good! I felt comfortable and cute and that doesn't happen. It doesn't ever happen in conjunction. It was pretty radtastic haha

Steve's birthday was a lot of fun. I met some new people, 100% of them were assholes. I enjoy fucking with people like that. And I got to flirt and flirt my little heart out with no expectations of more happening. Oh how I love nerdy guys. No pressure, and they are so adorable. I was sad that Sean didn't feel well. I was most excited to see him, but he was dying in a corner. I spent a lot of time with Steven since it was his birthday, and it was fun hanging out with Ori like olden times.

All in all, last weekend was pretty good! And this week is short! Tomorrow is Friday, and then it's Thanksgiving and I get to hang out with the family alllllll daaaaayyyyy long! And cook, and eat too much, and get drunk!

Things are looking pretty fantastic from where I'm at. Now if only I could just remember that all the time.

<3

:: 2013 25 November :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: aggravated

I WANT TO TOUCH SOMEONE ELSE.

:: 2013 23 November :: 12.54pm

I love orgasms. I can't understand not liking them. How is that possible?

:: 2013 23 November :: 12.16am

I'm drunk.

I'm lonely.

I just.. Want some cuddles.

:: 2013 22 November :: 7.34am

One embarrassing moment and all the negative shit in my head starts snowballing down a spiral in my mind. And now I'm in a terrible mood. All I want to do is listen to music and sleep all day.

What's worse is it seems like every single person I interact with on a daily basis hates themselves, and are very vocal about it. It brings me down. There's only so much encouraging and complimenting I can do before is just have to say fuck it and be angry.

Why is life so frustrating?

:: 2013 20 November :: 9.05am

Sometimes everything just feels bad. Today is on of those times.

I just want to go back to bed and go to tomorrow.

:: 2013 19 November :: 6.40am

Just don't let me down.. Haha

New apartment is fantastic! Tho I do miss my family :( way harder to move out this time than last!

:: 2013 15 November :: 10.17pm

Moving day tomorrow!! So excited I can't sleep!! (It could also be the 4 shots of white espresso and the liter of my dew....)

:: 2013 13 November :: 7.20pm

I am so happy. And sober. It's fantastic.

:: 2013 11 November :: 10.08pm

Why does weed have to be so good? And make everything better?

I wish I didn't need it to happily exist.

:: 2013 11 November :: 2.42pm

Got prescribed some pills in addition to what I'm already taking. So far I've been sleeping a lot and feeling distracted.

I'm itching to move my stuff into the apartment, but I don't have all the keys I need to get inside. So I'm essentially locked out of my apartment! Poop.

I have a lot of emotions going on right now, primarily negative. If possible, I'm beginning to be even more bitter and cynical than before. And I hate it.

I really wish I had never been born. Just not ever exist.

:: 2013 10 November :: 9.33am

So the thing with Andy is over. And it's not that I expected anything more out of it than sex and a buddy, but fuck that guy has zero tact and is really a complete douche bag. I made sure he won't contact me again, once this new girl finds out how much of an ass hat he is.

But some of the things he said after I made him angry gave my ego a hard hit. I know he was just trying to hurt me and the things he said weren't true, but having an already shitty level of self-esteem, it shook me. It undid a lot of effort I put into feeling like some people actually enjoy being around me.

With all the awesome stuff going on right now - moving, friends, done with school, etc. - I'm trying not to let this get too deep under my skin. I'm just frustrated and upset. I hate feeling this way.

:: 2013 8 November :: 3.19pm

It's Friday! And my boss taught me a new acronym:

FOIF

Fuck off it's Friday. It's my new favorite!

I get the keys to my apartment today! After, there will be waffles and booze with teh lala and Laura! Whoop!!