I miss him...
Holy fuck. I've been gone for approximately 37 years, which sucks, and I'm not really slowing down too much in the next week. Like, we had a garage sale this week, along with some huge projects to get done for school and mom was home all week so that just made it busier because she's like crazy.
Anyway, this week I have the whole babysitting deal as previously mentioned, so I'll be gone like during the nights, but I should be home during the day and I can talk to Kelly while he's at work if he aint too busy.
I honestly feel like a sack of shit for just like up and vanishing. Like... I don't know, I don't think he would be mad at me, but it probably bothers him. If we swapped roles and he had been really busy and never gotten on to talk to me, I would be seriously bummed out. I don't know though, maybe he's been really busy as well. I don't even know what his life has been like lately, which makes me feel worse.
I just ... I don't know, I can't wait for this nonsense to be done with and he and I together permanently.
Seriously, if I'm sad and depressed I just think of him and it usually makes me feel better, and I love that. I love just thinking of dumb little things we say to each other like him mouthing me about the Hooka Lounge chick. Or like the time he had this ridiculously huge sugar craving and we went to the grocery store and bought junk food. He bought me gummy worms and they were like old and tough so he gave me his Life Saver gummies... You just have to love a man who's willing to share his gummies.
I just fucking love him.
I love you, Kelly, and I hope you know how much I miss you, and how much it kills me when we don't get to talk.

Mandie mentioned Michigan was her home... I want that. I want to be with Kelly and feel like I'm home.
I need that.
Hell, I deserve that, and so does Kelly.
The more we see each other, the harder this becomes. I know we'll get through it, we've been through too much not too, but I'm more than ready for it to be over with.
I need him for good; I need hugs when I'm feeling down, and kisses just because, and I need his arms around me as I sleep, and I know I'm being unforgivably sappy, but I don't even care. I'm pretty sure there's at least one person who understands what I'm going through, and that's all that matters.

fucking unacceptable.
*horrified face*

http://www.aboutcolonblank.com/pics/2340567141_ae4c7769c0_b.jpg


Anyway, I've been doing homework all day and I'll be doing homework all night. Here's the list I have to accomplish:
(By tomorrow night)
+Write a 5 page report on The Trail of Tears.
+Finish a Power Point and make connections between The Wire Road, Jesse James, Bloody Bill Anderson, The Pony Express, The Trail of Tears, weapons, and Missouri.
+Some bs worksheets for Biology.
(By Wednesday)
+Read an entire book
+Write a report about the book, and explain how it can help me in my life.
+Complete a 10 page take home test (not as easy as it sounds, no matter that I can use my book. That shit is hard.)
+Do some fun fun book work.
+Study up on Hamlet
(By Thursday)
+Another take home test
+More bs worksheets
+A three page report on Malaria

...yeah. I fucking hate school. I hate when finals are coming up and instead of giving us a list of what we need to study for, they tack on more things to throw on the test.
I just want to curl up and die.

Shit.
I've realized that for some reason I talk/write like I'm 12 years old and that's probably really fucking annoying. I don't know why I've not been murdered for it yet.
I swear I'm not as retarded as I make myself sound.

Anyway, for reasons unknown I'm really just pissed off. Like, I would fucking kill a punching bag right now. It's pretty weird, usually I don't get really mad, like I'm not an angry person. I don't think so anyway. I get frustrated, yeah, who the fuck doesn't? Whatever, I might be persieved as angry, who knows; I don't really concern myself with how people view me anymore, to be honest. There are certain people that I want to like me, but for the most part I've decided I don't give a shit. It's too hard to go out of your way to make sure everyone likes you.

So, this family I go to church with is moving to Texas because of a job transfer/promotion and on May 4-8 Kim, the mother, is going to be gone to get things fixed up at their new house or whatever, so they asked if I would mind coming over after my classes and stay the night and then get the kids up and ready for school and stuff Monday through Thursday because Adam, the dad, goes to work at like 3 in the morning. So, I agreed to do it. I'm going to be at their house from like 10:00-8:00 each day, I'm only dealing with the kids for about an hour, and the rest of the time I'm like sleeping, and I'm getting 50 bucks a day = fucking sweetness.
There's Brandon who's like... 11 maybe, Josh - 8 and Bethany - 5 or 6.
The only thing that's worrisome is that I think the kids are evil satan worshipers. Seriously. Especially Bethany. She terrifies me.
Plus I'll be alone with Adam sometimes and he just creeps me out.
Whatever though, being scared of them is so worth $200.

Random Things
1.Taylor used my sacred purple pen for nonsense and now it is dead.
2. I got out of my class in a record time of 30 minutes due to the storm going on atm. All the roads were horribly flooded by the time I got to class, and it just kept raining, so the flooding was getting worse.
3. I keep getting disconnected due to said storm and this is upsetting so I think I'll just call it a night and go to bed.
4.Kelly, you are currently set to "Busy" so I shall assume you're playing CoD4 or something. I love you and I will talk to you (probably) tomorrow. <3 x a billion.
5. Trevor and I were having an "I love you" war, in which he said he loved me more than I loved him, and then I was like, "no I love you more" blah blah blah, and then finally he got frustrated and was like, "you know what? Let's just say it's equal. Rachel, I love you an equal amount to how much you love me." It was probably the cutest/funniest things that he has said in awhile. <3 that little man.


I memorized all the words for you
But if you only knew
How much that's just not like me
I wait up late every night
Just to hear your voice
But you don't know that's nothing like me

You know I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time I've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I want to make sure everything is perfect for you
If you only knew
That's not like me to follow through
Maybe even give up all these dead end dreams
Just to be with you
But you don't know that's nothing like me

Hey yeah I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time I've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

Now I'm waking up
I've finally had enough of this wreck of a lifetime
I never thought I'd survive it
Now I'm taking back
All I gave up for that
Leave my pain behind
Wash these stains from my life

Just when I thought all was lost
You came and made it all okay

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I memorized all the words for you
If you only knew
How much that's just not like me

<3

I just decided that Better Man by Pearl Jam is one of the most depressing songs ever.
However, I love it oh so much, as I do nearly all of their songs.

Okay so apparently we're babysitting my five cousins again, recap:
Marcus - 11 (?)
Kelsey - 8
Peighton - 6
Reagon - 5
Kendra - 4

= omg *cries*

We got them yesterday at 5:30 and they go home after church Sunday. Anyway, mom and Taylor had them all night while I was at school, so I guess they figured I could have them this morning. So I was up at 6:00 (ungodly hour for moi) brushing teeth, changing pull ups, getting them fed, putting clothes on them, fixing hair (oh so much hair), and then shoes and socks. It was so hectic. Then on top of all that, Taylor decided like 10 seconds before the bus got here that she wanted me to fix her hair too, so I had to straighten her hair, and she has a TON of hair, so that takes forever, and then figure out something "cute" to do with it.
I wanted to curl back up in bed after they left, but then Kendra woke up and so I'm awake indefinately.


I need a huge hug from a certain someone but he is oh so far away :(