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2014 6 December :: 8.36am
:: Music: Daniel Tiger in the background.
4 Years?!
It's been 4 years.
4 YEARS. I feel like so much has changed, but I feel like everything is still the same within my head.
I have a 2.5 year old boy now, who is my light. I am married. I can't honestly tell you how this all happened, but it did.
Here I am. Writing in my old high school online journal.
Why? Because I feel like it will help. Help air out my thoughts and feelings, because I still hold everything in just as I did before. It helped me then, maybe it'll help now. I don't know.
I felt like I was happy. I felt as though I was heading the right direction -- I was working, I was working on getting back into school. I stopped and went a few times, trying to figure out where I wanted to be. I feel like I should have just done it. Just pushed through, but I didn't.
Then, I met my husband. I was waitressing at the Grist Mill, my last job. He was charming, so nice. I thought he was handsome, a bit rough around the edges. He was funny, he could make me laugh. A sick sense of humor.. I couldn't tell if I liked it or if I was offended. I laughed though, so I must've been into it, right? I guess. He asked me incessantly to go on a date with him. I finally accepted, and the rest is history.
We moved in together, we had so much fun together. We were like two fucking peas in a pod. I felt like he was my answer, I wished I had found him sooner. He treated me like a queen. My best friend actually liked him.. LIKED HIM. Yes, which is nearly impossible.
Then I got pregnant. 9 months into our relationship, I got knocked up. Ha! Funny. No, I was devastated. I didn't want a baby, I didn't want my life to revolve around a little tiny being that I made. I wanted my life to be that - MINE. I wanted to live for me and never lose my spontaneity. I didn't want to lose my body, my MIND.
We were married 2 months later.
9 months after that, Flynn was born. And though I struggled with being a mother at first (and still do), he is my baby, my love, my light at the end of the tunnel.
Fast forward 2.5 years, here I am. I am 50 pounds overweight, I have a feeling the bags under my eyes are never going away. I have stretch marks every where. I feel like a lump of fat and wrinkly, old skin. I am twenty-four.. 24!!!! years old. I feel like I'm 40+ .. and I feel sad a lot.
My best friend moved far, far away. I know she's doing what's best for her - but I can't help but feel sad about it. I miss her everyday, even though we talk online a lot.
My dad died in January this year.
I am/was his only child, he wasn't married. I took care of everything, because I was the only one who legally could. I found out a few things about certain family members, I met my aunt and uncle for the first time.
I have had a very hard time with my dad's death, and I wasn't sure at all how I was going to handle it. I still cry once a week, like I am now. Just thinking. Thinking, was everything I did enough? Did I do what he would have wanted? His "girlfriend" blames me for everything. We don't speak anymore, after the hurtful things she's said to me. I am better off without her in my life, even though I'd known her since birth.
I'm so glad to have met my Aunt and Uncle though - My Aunt is a saint. Such a nice, southern lady. She was so warm, so happy. It made me feel welcome and like a.. family. Something I never had with that side of my family. She invited us to Alabama to visit, gave me pictures of my dad and her as a child/teen. I was so overwhelmed with everything, but I am so glad I met them. I will treasure that day forever.
I am starting to feel more at peace, more "okay" with my choices. The cremation, the house, the car and truck. I know I made the right decisions, but I still can't help but feel uneasy, as my dad didn't tell me what he wanted. He didn't leave anything, and as abruptly as he left the world, nothing could have changed that.
My year feels like a whirlwind.
A clusterfuck.
My mind feels like it's spinning in on itself.
I need a counselor. I want a counselor.
I can't talk to my husband about things. Why? That's another post.
I talk to my best friend, but I can't keep telling her the same crap over and over. Broken record.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I want and yearn for REAL happiness. REAL love and hope.
This year has rained on me.
Here's to hoping 2015 brings me sunshine.
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xjayk
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2013 28 January :: 6.10pm
School, gym, pick up kids, clean the house, get the girls down for a nap, do laundry, feed Andee, finish laundry, Arlee wakes up, put away clothes, get Arlee a snack, feed Andee, pick up room, bring girls upstairs, start dinner, deal with screaming children, have my family eat the dinner that i just cooked and leave me with the dishes...and the baby, feed baby, try to do the dishes, stress....
The day isn't even over yet.
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xjayk
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2012 6 December :: 11.40pm
I can't wait for the holidays to be over this year. Everything has become so cluster fucked its not even funny. Is it so much to ask for to have a normal Christmas, with just my family not having to worry about anyone else. I hate being obligated to get people gifts that I hardly even know or see more than 5 times a year at the very rare family get together. It's become so excessive now that I can only buy my own children one gift each. I'm about three seconds away from just returning their gifts and just not going to these stupid family get togethers. Thad's side of the family I don't mind going to, we all hang out together and talk daily but my side of the family we don't even talk to each other...what's the point? To make up for the fact we don't talk all year here's a 30 dollar gift that you're probably just going to complain about when you get home or discard it to the back of your closet and forget about it. What a waste. A waste of all of our damn time if you ask me. I just want to spend Christmas with my little family and actually enjoy myself. No more worrying about where we have to be at what time, what were we supposed to bring again? Did we pack all the gifts? Bring enough diapers to get us through? Where are we going to let the girls nap? No room in the car? Damn....See all waaay to much to deal with. We have over 5 christmas celebrations to attend in two days. Stupid. It's taking all the meaning out of the day and its really pissing me off.
So I think the Gamez family should disappear this Christmas...We'll see you next year. *sigh* That sounds soo good.
I know I sound bitchy but due to all of this worrying about everyone else my families Holidays have kind of been robbed.
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xjayk
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2012 30 November :: 9.29pm
First time ever watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and Sabrina. Good movies. Even better is the company; it's just Andee and I tonight. Baby and I bonding. Love it :)
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xjayk
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2012 19 November :: 12.12am
“By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands — your own.”–Mark Victor Hansen'
every accomplishment begins with the decision to try
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laurenleigh
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2012 21 July :: 11.54pm
[friends.only]
[feel.free.to.add.me]
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xjayk
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2012 8 June :: 6.17pm
After going through postpartum on my own I finally believed it was over, but the whole getting pregnant again I think just thrust me back into it. The feeling isn't as bad as it once was but I have my days. Today is one of those days. I had a wonderful morning and afternoon but as soon as 3:00 hit I just was stressed and overwhelmed and couldn't control my feelings anymore. I ended up going into my room and shutting myself off until Thaddeus had to go to work, and of course he left thinking that I was upset that I couldn't find the sundress at the store that I saw online that I fell in love with. Please. I just feel so.... unhappy right now. I want someone around but alas all my friends are gone. Gone with the coming of a baby. Its funny to think everyone would still be there after having a baby, like you were there for them and then they just don't have the time for you or care for you anymore. Sad to think about. Especially how many of my friends left after having her. Oh well. I have Hillary and our Wednesdays that I live for lately. That and Sunday night so I can watch the new episode of American Gypsy. I love that show.
So I just ordered pizza because no car means no going out and getting groceries, which really sucks because I would love to cook right now but I'll have to settle for breadsticks and a personal pan.
I neeeed a change. In something. I've been changing myself and I'm happy for the most part its just not enough. I think the best change would be another car but we can't afford another payment and insurance note. Blah. The joys of a stay at home mom.
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xjayk
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2012 2 June :: 10.32pm
Lifes crazy. My daughter is almost 6months old, I'm almost halfway through my second pregnancy and by baby brother is off to college in a couple months. I used to hate change but now I'm beginning to embrace it.
I have all that I ever asked for. A close family, my own family. With the man of my dreams. Although I had always thought I'd want to work while having kids I realize now that its way more important to me to stay home with my babies and watch them grow up. Make sure I do everything in my power to let them know that they're loved and make sure they are raised to be productive God fearing members of society. That is my job now. The hardest job I've ever done in my life.
Thaddeus does an amazing job supporting our family but in doing so I'm left with many sleepless nights and met with aggravation in the morning because though he may work a 12 hour nightshift I have a 24hour job with no break.
Time has done well for me.
Now I'm working on myself. I've been changing my eating habits, doing a little more for myself, a little more for my husband, and love it. One day I may even get back down to the size I was when I met Thaddeus which I would really like.
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xjayk
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2011 11 September :: 11.56pm
Out of the dark I heard you; your voice soft but strong.
You have never been a man of many words, but lately what you
say when you think I cant hear you, when you think I've been fast asleep for hours, are the words I hold so close to me.
Last night after checking the nursery one last time, sneaking into
our bedroom and turning off the lights, you slid up next to me whispering in my ear that you loved me. That alone can bring me
to my knees sometimes. As you ran your fingers through my hair (like I've told you not to do 100x over) you leaned in and kissed me on my forhead while telling me you were so blessed to have me as your wife and couldn't be happier about our 'evil spawn'. Marrying that man was the best thing that I ever did for myself.
We're not the lovey dovey type.
Really we're not.
Just at night...when we think the other one is asleep. Thats when
we talk all lovie.
Its so much more intamite.
In public we walk next to one another but I couldn't possibly tell you the last time we kissed in public...if ever. (aside from him dropping me off at work but we're in the car and if people are around forget it)
We're strange.
Old fashioned.
And believe that our love is just that ours.
We dont need to put on a show for people to prove how much we
love one another....No hardcore makeout sessions at Walmart or anything...Thats what kids do these days right? Makeout at walmart?
I digress.
I hate the nights your not home. For some reason when your gone
things dont feel right. Its like I've put my shoes on the wrong
feet. Its just not right.
You and I have our seperate lives with our friends, I see my friends quite frequantly and you have your alone time that you cherish so much. But its when your unuptainable is when it kills me.
Blame it on the pregnancy.
My hormones are all over the place.
Really I'm probably one of the most stable unstable wrecks you've
ever seen.
But for once in my life I feel like even though we've been through
hell and back this year its been the best year for us yet.
Not just because of our daughter, but because of how
both of us stepped up and really worked at our relationship
and stopped reading so far into things.
I'm proud of us.
I'm scared that the stress of the baby may change that.
But Lord I hope and pray it doesn't.
I hope she just brings us closer.
Anyways this really wasn't a nessasary post. I just felt like writing and I dont have microsoft word on my computer; so woohu is the next best thing. No one reads this crapola anywho.
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xjayk
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2011 10 September :: 11.21pm
its getting dark... too soon... a threatening silence...
surrounding me... a wind... comes up from the islands...
when distance fades to stormy grey
washed out from the deep of the ocean
here i will stand to face your wrath...
while all the others are praying
*****
Another year of trials and tribulation; hasn't it been darling?
I've stretched myself to my limits and although I'm pretty sure you can see my mangled body you watch as I dig deep and grunt into one last stretch.
The pain resides so deep now that its made an imprint of itself that spells out your name.
Please tell me; is this fun
Please tell me; is this amusing
Please tell me; is this love
I waited for you love, why didn't you come?
Has it ever mattered less?
In your loving way tell me you'll replace what you stole from me
... then turn from me again
Remember the sick way you loved me
Now love me again
Draine me baby;
Take your leftovers
******
calm down my heart... dont beat so fast...
dont be afraid just once in a lifetime
calm down my heart... dont beat so fast...
dont be afraid just once in a lifetime
no rain can wash away my tears
no wind can soothe my pain
you made me doubt, you made me fear
but now im not the same
you took my wife, my unborn son...
torn into the deep of the ocean
i dont pretend that i love you
cause there is nothing left to lose
*******
I thought...
It doesn't matter what I thought
It matters what I think now
And if I could write a book
My Gospel of our relationship
How would you respond
and in my scripture I would have written
"alike Judas; she betray me with an embrace and a kiss"
Time can change so much cant it
**********
and when silence comes back to me
i find myself feeling lonely
standing here on the shores of destiny
i find myself feeling lonely
i had a life to give... many dreams to live...
dont you know that youre losing so much this time
beyond the waves... i will be free
while all the others are praying
****
For the longest time I felt alone
Torn down so far
And held there by your lies and contradictions
You watched me as I sank
I reached out to you
The sting I felt
The sting I felt when you turned away
But no more love
I cant feel that anymore
You made sure of that
*********
calm down my heart... dont beat so fast...
dont be afraid just once in a lifetime
calm down my heart... dont beat so fast...
dont be afraid just once in a lifetime
no rain can wash away my tears
no wind can soothe my pain
you made me doubt, you made me fear
but now im not the same
you took my wife, my unborn son...
torn into the deep of the ocean
i dont pretend that i love you
cause there is nothing left to lose
*******
There is no eligant way of expressing what you've done to me
There is no argument you can possibly have for yourself
How is it that the people closest to me over the past years are the ones that have turned so far from me now I need them?
I'm not going to pretend like I haven't changed
I'm a mother now
I live for my baby
And I Will protect her from liars
...like you
I cant hardly say that I wish we could sweep this under the rug
Because God knows that I've done it for years
But that was just me
Now its my husband and daughter your messing with as well
It wont happen
I wont let it
You've done so much wrong to us already
When will you just stop?
*****
the love in you, it does not burn,
there is no lesson you can learn
and there are sounds you cannot hear,
and there are feelings you cant feel
calm down my heart... dont beat so fast...
dont be afraid just once in a lifetime
*******
Tell me again your sorry
That you would give the world to make things right
Let's watch as you screw me all over again
Then its not a big deal anymore....right?
Then your sorry and we'll play this game over and over AND OVER AGAIN!
I'm so drained of you, love. I really am.
If you haven't realized this is for you
How far can you push 'til their slipping off the edge
How much love can you give
How much poison can you inject
Tell me
Your the snake in my Eden
Its sad my baby girl wont see you for what you once were
This beautiful amazing person who loved life
But when she starts to form her own opinions...
she'll see the liar Thad and I see now
That everyone else refuses to acknowledge
I'm more so angry because it feels so much better than being hurt
I honestly think I'm out of tears when it comes to you
Sorry
Life I guess
*************
i dont pretend that i love you
and this time im not scared of you
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xjayk
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2011 15 August :: 1.59am
I trusted you, although everyone advised me not to.
You lied. Made me out to be the one person in your life that was dragging you down. Tell me about your support system now; please do. Now that its gone. Now that you have betrayed me and I had the mind to sit you down; discuss it and then after an hour of prying you finally confess... I realize now I never needed your confession; I wanted to give you the opportunity; I was almost praying that you'd be upfront and wouldn't lie. But again and again you did and now we're left like this. Such a rift in our relationship.
You've lied to everyone.
I'm so embarrassed.
I know that your still doing it; and I dont want to believe it.
Do you like hurting me...
...better question do you like hurting yourself? Your image?
No one will love you like you so desperately want if you keep up what your doing. Your cheating on someone and you have the nerve to tell them you love them...and then invite your new lover to move into your home. But not until next summer of course.
I wish I knew who you were.
You wont be there when my daughters born any longer. A hard decision but one that had to be made. As a mother have to think about who I'm putting around my daughter and if I cannot trust you after knowing and loving you for soo long; I refuse to let you hurt her. Like you have to the rest of us.
I will forgive you. It will take time to fully do so. But I will
I will; on the other hand. Never forget.
You will never make empty promises any longer, nor will you tear this family apart.
I'm done watching you destroy everything good that comes around you.
You've exhausted me.
I've always wanted the best for you.
You know that.
I still do want you to follow your dreams- and hopefully grow. I'm just...done hoping. Hoping that you'll change. I shouldn't ask you to do that; if this is who you are then I should just accept that.
I could sit here and wait for you to change and compliment you on every single gesture you make...But I have a life I need to move on with. This one unfortunately; without you in it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Life has been stressful the past couple weeks. I'm praying God will intervene and make some sense of this madness.
My husband and I are closer than ever.
I couldn't ask to be blessed with a better man than him.
He is my rock that's for sure.
Oh and some really good news is that I found a church! Finally!!
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xjayk
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2011 14 July :: 1.14pm
What a crazy couple of months. Cactus is growing really well and Thaddeus and I have become the normal 'scared to death but excited parents of a fetus' and I dont think we'd have it any other way. Now that its happened I really couldn't even see what we'd be like or what we'd be doing if we weren't nesting and planning all the time. A blessing from God. Going from not being able to carry a child to carrying a very healthy one is...well I cannot possibly describe the feeling. But its great. Friends dont understand, or dont wanna stick around. I'm fine with that. I have more important things to worry about than wether or not someone is there for me. Stay...Go...I dont care.
Thad and I have been planning our babymoon which is going to be awesome! I'm so excited. You know we've had our ups and our downs but none of that matters. Not now anyway. I dont think I've ever had such an admoration for Thaddeus in my life. He's taking care of me, and the baby. And whole heartedly wants to. Not because he has to or its some sort of burden. He wants to. When I'm sick he's right there, when I'm stressed he lets me scream it out. He's everything to me. But we're really not that gushy; we'll just blame it on my unstable hormones today. :)
We're about ready to sit down to some lunch before we return to packing and watching Mars Attacks. I hate moving but at least I wont have to move with a baby. Plus Thads recruiting some of his friends to move the boxes so I dont have to lift. Just unpack.
I'm soo sick of moving its not even funny but we'll be saving money and the baby will be closer to my family so I guess its a plus on that side. Its just hard leaving our dream house. Its everything we wanted a bathroom the size of a bedroom; 3 bedrooms, a laundry room even! Its been amazing here. Its time to start a new chapter of our lives and well...its just time to say goodbye.
Soon enough we'll be saving money going on the best babymoon ever, and really becoming a family. Our own family.
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xjayk
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2011 30 May :: 10.17pm
What a good day;
As usual its filled with family; yard work and long drives with my popa.
My life is far from eventful but you know, it works really well for me. I spend most of my time with either my husband or with my dad or sister. Its nice to have close family ties. Ours is deffintely a little different we spend hours making plans for parades for family members that did something good...or just something at all, we sing to our dogs and compete with whos song is best (non of us really care) and just hang out.
I love it.
I guess I'll be inheriting my dads house; we're already making plans for after he dies which makes him feel great :) its all in good fun.
Now that I think about it from the outside looking in we're probably pretty lame; but I love my family. We all got to right? We're stuck with them until we become rich and are able to run away.
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xjayk
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2011 21 May :: 1.02pm
Well we told Gladys today.
She showed up at our house today which made it soo much easier just to kinda spit it out. She at first was pissed; we didn't tell her sooner. Then she started talking about what we do to our parents will come around to us and then we'll call our parents crying and apologizing for all that we ever did to them...Then started talking about losing the baby (seeing how I wasn't supposed to have kids) it was kind of strange.
Once I assured her that the baby is healthy and we've been doing everything the doctor has said and that we're being closely monitored; she brings up naming the baby after her mom and dislikes our name.
Yeaah
Weird way to start the day. Humiliating really.
Thad and I are over it.
I need to get ready for work but seriously...what a bitch.
Why is it that only my mom was excited about Cactus?
Dad wasn't very excited and neither was Gary...Now Gladys?
Dang
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xjayk
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2011 12 May :: 10.50am
I just wanted everything to be okay.
I know it sounds stupid and quite frankly unrealistic but I can hope right?
Now there has been a new blessing in Thad and I's life it at least at first all sempt so... It felt like we were lying to people. I still after 5 weeks couldnt believe it so anytime I'd even remotely open my mouth about it I just felt horrible...Like I was telling my best friernd a lie. Well finally now at week 10 I can see my life I can see my baby and it all feels so real now. Which makes every little thing that people have said to me blown up. I feel abandoned. I find myself alone or with family members most of the time; which I dont mind I am very family orriented...but it would be nice to have a friend in the mix. Tomi's to busy with work and Attley, which I understand, and Hillary's to busy with grown up stuff so it kind of leaves me to myself. You know I just always felt like no matter what I would have a certain group of friends that would go through hell or high water with ya... Again not so realistic.
Maybe Thad is right. I'm just an emotional wreck lately.
Maybe I shouldn't take everything so personally
Too bad it all feels so...
Present
Everything that you say hits me like a ton of bricks when at one point not to long ago in my life I could shrug off whatever you had to say. Maybe its because its the people closest to me that are acting so strangley towards me.
My family says I'll kill Isaac; I have quit smoking and I drink only the pop my doctor allows, I work out, I have read almost every baby book I come across, fast food I miss terribly.
Tell me again how I'm going to kill my child? By trying to do everything correctly? By being a little paranoid? Okay. I'll do better
Like I said...I'm an emotional mess
Example
Any baby that comes onto the television (that doesn't look like it came out of childs play) I bawl my eyes out
Due to the fact I can smell everything- I yell at anyone who exits a bathroom or anyone that cooks
This post...
I make issues sooo much bigger than what they should be...Sorry Thad
I like to spend a majority of my time asleep, thank God no one reads this someone would think I was crazy, but I have dreams that my babies here and I get to spend a couple moments with him before I wake up to pee. The last dream made me sob for close to an hour. I dreampt that he was laying in between my legs and he stretched and looked up at me and smiled then I had to nurse him...I cannot describe the feeling though...it was my child in the dream. Although it felt like a girl more so than a boy that I'm almost positive I'm having. It was the most wonderful feeling I've had in my entire life and when I sleep sometimes I get that feeling back for just a split second.
I'm just tired of being ignored...and I'm sure once the baby is here people are going to regret not spending the time that they should have because quite frankly I'm going to be really busy and time with them wont be on the top of my list. I have seven more months...Oh well. See now I sound whiney but its true. I wont be allowed a life anymore when the baby gets here; because he'll be my life. Period.
Now that I've made myself sound absolutely nuts I gotta get going.
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