xjayk
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2008 25 July :: 9.54pm
I take a step back, sifting through old photos and memorabilia and day dreaming of what might have been.
I pass through pictures of long lost friends that even in photos are fading away memories with them. I think of how precious their friendship once was and now how I guess the only way I feel towards them is vacant?
If that is at all possible.
I try to forget about others though their faces are so fresh in my mind and how much I really did treasure them once. Its ashame that things had to end the way they did, but it was my choice to end it as it was, its all about choice and that was mine. To live and let live, to love and lose, to dream and to forget.
I stumble across another picture, this one makes me smile, so few of the thousands of photos I have make me smile anymore.
Its one of Hillary and I dancing through the tulips.
Though the picture itself doesn't show it, its merely Hillary smelling one, but that day that picture evokes so many good memories that I tear up with a large grin.
We danced that day, we laughed, and for what sempt so trivial at the time reigns high as one of the best days of my life, if not the best. Though times were not simple then on that day it was.
It was like running through a feild on extasy, the memory at least depicts it that way. I look at the picture and time stops, and then as soon as I stumbled upon it it is again shuffled away lost amongst all the others.
Here's one, I look so happy both Thad and I do.
We were much younger than we are now and so fresh, all that the picture shows is Thaddeus holding the camera upwards and I trying to sheild myself from the flash in his arms my face burrowed in his chest. A normal picture right? No, not to me.
To me that was the start of the rest of my life, and I knew well enough then that it was.
Funny enough I still feel the same sometimes late at night on his days off when its just him and I and he slowly moves himself closer to me and I again burreo my face in his chest and hold on for dear life and though he's half asleep he'll look down and kiss the top of my head and whisper "I love you".
All of these pictures. Sometimes I wonder what keeps me taking them when I know that I haven't a working computer to work with them on, or a printer to print them out with.
But I always go back, and with every flash of the camera I feel the tulips again, I can feel my face burrowed in Thaddeus' chest, just for that instant - for that millasecond flash I'm there again.
All over again.
All over again
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xjayk
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2008 23 July :: 5.20pm
Job search = shitty
I'm ready to go out and have some fun, I've been stressing over this job thing for way to long, so out I go, get me some peircings, dance with the tranies, and go to the casino. Get away and recollect myself then come home ready to tackle every employer in Holland!
Hillary's birthday is coming up and I'm stoked! My Hillypoo is growin' up so fast. Pretty soon she'll be shootin' out babies, becoming manager, dancing at her wedding, buying a house, getting her tubes tyed, and having a sex change. *sigh* God, I can't believe how old she is. Well at least she'll be moving in with me, even if it is short lived.
Alright we'll I have a headache, so I'm going to take a nap.
Love Sent Your Way
Alicia M Winningham
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xjayk
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2008 16 July :: 3.12pm
My Lord life is going wonderfully.
Maybe I'm just in a good mood because I'm planning a wedding but hey, I'm so happy I feel like I could cry right now. I finnaly figured out what themed wedding I want and I'm totally going for it. Man, my hearts pounding.
Oh Hill if you see this give me a call. I haven't talked to you in forever!
Yes but I had to say that most of my posts are me venting but I can't remember the last time I felt so good I had to tell the world. :D
*sigh*
Being engaged for so long and finally begining to plan shit out feels amazing. :D
1 apparition |
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2008 4 July :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Nothing. Shane's watching Robot Chicken. :P
New stuff.
Well, I don't really feel like actually updating, buuuut, I'll add some pictures and write some captions for them to give a little bit of an update of some sort..
..here goes nothin'
I got a new car! well, new to me. I finally can drive around anytime I feel like it. :P mostly to work, but hey, it makes me look good, haha.
Haha, Leesh and I downtown Saugatuck. We were being goofs that day, Shane was behind the cam on this one. :P
Now Leesh's work behind the cam. :D She does good. haha, we were trying to be serious. I thought it was cute.
A while ago Leesh and I went to Denny's.. I have about 8 different shots of her doing this, hahah. She's adorable. :D
The Hillary trademark. Foot in Face.
haha, this was last night. I kept bugging him nonstop. :P we always have a good time doing absolutely nothing.
My mom snapped this of us today. I call it the squish-face.
Last but not least, my nephew, Brayden. One of the cutest babies ever. :) here's proof:
There ya go. A little picture update for everyone who reads this thing.
The foot one is for you, Leesh. :D hahah.
5 apparitions |
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xjayk
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2008 28 June :: 9.27pm
The Count Down To Freedom
Only three to four more months.
Thaddeus is raking in the money and we've finally decided to get a place. Not just any place a house! No more listening to the neighbors have sex or the downstairs neighbor beat his wife senceless. *sigh* We're so excited. Not to mension he's buying me a coat! Yay! Its amazing how bad things can be and then you notice you don't have anywhere to go but up and by God something amazing like this happens.
No worries, its not like we're having babies.... *shifty eyes*
I've been looking for furniture, even though we have some already. I want a matching leather set. I love leather sofas, and matching love seats with the Popa chairs, wowy they make me melt. :D Thad laughed at me today while we were at miejers he was like "Alicia, your getting old, appliances excite you now" ahah its true, it really is.
I just thought I'd add a lame picture like I've been doing with all of my posts lately. You know to keep a theme goin'. Buut hey I'm happy I'm smilling in this picture it fits right?
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xjayk
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2008 27 June :: 1.18am
If I could write down every thought that whisks its way through my mind I would be a top selling novelist, but it seems whenever I sit to write down what I have to say my words get jumbled and confused and I find myself deleting everything. Even now I can't seem to get out what I'd like to say, perhaps that's why I've been running in circles with this post.
I feel as if I've lived 1000 lives each one more and more twisted than the next. I scratch at the scabs perhaps that's the reason they never heal, some I've been told will never but I guess that's life right? I hate that saying 'that's life' it seems to be tied to everything bad that happens, you lose a job 'Well that's life' your boyfriend leaves you for a tramp 'I guess that's life' well my God I really don't feel that's the way it should be at all. Why can't it ever be tied to something great like "I'm having a baby!" 'Well that's life Margret' "It sure is John, it sure is."
I should be estatic, I have a family that loves me, best friends that wouldn't leave my side if I begged them to (Hillary's clingy) and a boyfriend that loves me about 5 out of 7 days of the week. This year is the worst year of my life. I've gone through so much I'm surprised I can keep my head above water, for the most part at least. I have my friends to thank for that, Hillary mainly. She's the only one who I can tell everything to and she'd never hold it over my head. She knows my deepest darkest secret and is there when I'm in self destructive mode over it. Hill never judges, or leads on to. There are times where no one is here in this entire city that I can talk to and it gets a bit rough. Its hard to know I cannot tell Thaddeus everything, but if I did I think he'd be just about as messed up as I am, yet Hill still holds onto some of her sanity.
I really don't know the meaning of this post. But I've had an extreamly hard year and I just needed to get some things off of my chest. Thaddeus threw something in my face today that made me have a horrible flash-back and an anxiety attack from hell, yeah... I don't know I guess this whole thing was kinda pointless but thank you Hillary. You're always there. Always. Thanks.
Only she really knows and understands me, we've been inseperable for damn near 14 years now and I'm lookin' foreward to another 14
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2008 21 June :: 12.03am
:: Mood: exhausted
I friggin' love being out of high school, and summer, and Alicia and Thad, and Shane, andddd drinking water after pilates, and having a car :D
I'm tired though, annnnd I really wanna hang with alicia again.
Oh hey, JOEY + flying to michigan NOW = :D
I wish.
5 apparitions |
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xjayk
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2008 20 June :: 11.27pm
I'm running circles around my mind trying to figure out how much time I've got before these damn fines come in the mail. I feel absolutely horrible about that hole ordeal. I never ment for anyone other than myself to get into any trouble but intensions count for shit.
I might be starting a new job soon. As supervisor of Micheles. I can picture it now name tags and vests. *sigh* It'd be wonderful. I'm really hoping I get it. I have an interview for sure thank God for woman like Jan. She's such a nice woman. I'll bake her a cake to show my gratitude, even though I know Hillary and her dad will end up eating it all. :D
I'm trying to form a relationship with Gladys but she told me that God doesn't want Thaddeus and I together so I guess the whole relationship there isnt gonna happen.
3 apparitions |
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xjayk
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2008 12 June :: 10.23pm
Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might, have the wish I wish for some new rocket dogs.
Man, if I wasn't so flat broke right now I'd totally go out and get me some new rocket dogs. My last pair of shoes (besides my work out shoes) are ripping from the seames and it tears me apart with every stitch that comes undone. I loved those shoes, we've gone everywhere together I don't know what I'm going to do with out them. I remember the first time I saw them, sitting there like they were thinking 'Alicia, take me home we'll go places together I can see it' and being the woman I am I played hard to get. I'd go back and they were always sitting in the same spot, always looking at me that's why I aproached them I guess and its true we've been together ever since. We danced in the first summers rain when my car broke down, we'd kick the ass of anyone that made us laugh or angered us, so many nights downtown together, running and walking up and down the coblestone sidewalk. I have so many memories that I could write a novel. But unlike a novel I don't see a happy ending for my rocket dogs and I, their on life support and I am contemplating pulling the plug and moving on. Eventually I'll find new Dogs, never any like MY dogs but I think its time. The seames are coming undone.
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xjayk
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2008 10 June :: 10.22pm
So I've been trying to preoccupy myself with things lately, such as drawing, writting, singing, walking, running, driving, getting reconnected with my uncle but non of it really other than talking to my uncle has really been keeping my mind from going completely nuts. Oh and I'm thinking about protesting bras. I hate them right now. But on the other hand if I don't wear them my girls will meet my ancles and well I don't really think I'm prepared for that.
I'm still trying to figure out how my sewing machine works...not so much how it works but how to thread it. Its a complicated one the one I used awhile ago wasn't nearly as complicated. Bah stupid 2006!
Well I really have nothing of substance to write about other than my growing distaste for my sister whom thinks the world is out to get her. Her and her bable bulshit is really getting old. Sometimes I'd really like to just...Well look at me going on in this thing like I was her age. I should be above that by now. Buuut I'm not. :D
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xjayk
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2008 17 May :: 11.44pm
I celebrated my birthday today.
Finally.
It was au'some I woke up at 8am to go get my hair highlighted and cut, I love it then I went with my mom to get pampered at Sammies. Hah. It was fun. Then to the scavenger hunt to try on all of their hats and have mom tell stories about the eighties and old time dresses.
I know I'm skipping over alot of things buut I'm tired. Main point it was au'some the best birthday ever.
I really hate this golfball growth on my ovarie. I want it gone. It hurts. All the drugs in the world can't stop this pain once it gets itself goin'. Stupid ovarie I want to rip the right one out sometimes and throw it downn the garbage disposal.
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xjayk
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2008 11 May :: 10.09pm
When all you knew is gone
I've been in shut down mode and while there I've realized the people that stand unbudged from my side though they sometimes look at me with strangers eyes they stay with their feet firmly planted on the ground next to mine.
I've become quite uneasy with people lately, I could only wish that loyalties really did last forever.
Its been two weeks now.
Two weeks since I've felt the devils sting and I still haven't been able to fall into someones arms and completely let myself go. I wont cry in front of people anymore. I wont be a victim in my own home. But... It'd be amazing to know that someone would take me in and just listen and not make me feel like it was my fault or make me feel like I'm placing the weight of the world on their shoulders, so I guess I'm left alone with the burden, its really only mine anyways.
Did you know I couldn't leave the house without having someone with me?
Did you know I couldn't even get gas without making sure someone else was there to pay?
Did you know that he walked away free and I'm still laying there?
While everyone else my age is worrying about caps and gowns, or what their future career is going to be and whatnot, at the present time I'm just worried about making it through tommorow.
And then the thought comes to mind, "What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that horrible of a person?"
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xjayk
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2008 6 May :: 4.16pm
I am begining to wonder what people are thinking of me, I am just a taxi?
I feel like once I give someone an inch their friends for some reason find it theirs as well.
Danny for instance he doesn't take advantage of me in the slightest but sometimes I feel like Corey does, but that's just Corey you really need to set shit straight with him or he wont get it. But today some chic that I haven't spoken with in over a year decided that she was going to get rides out of me today. I just stared at her, like why did she think that she could do anything without asking me. She was a mooch when I knew her and I listened to the way she talked to Danny and she's mooching off of him now. Drinking his beer and stealing his smokes and taking his rides. It just pisses me off to no end. Not to mension I don't have anyone to vent to right now and its eating away at me. I really dont want to have to talk to Danny about this its hard enough for us to have a moment alone anymore. That bothers me too, we're good friends but we don't really open up much around other people. I guess I'm just going to have to talk to Danny tonight somehow. I dunno.
But really I'm not a fuckin' taxi and I made my point pretty clear today or so I thought to the fuckin' mooch, aparently not. I am going to begin to refuse people rides even if I like them because I'm not one to be walked over and I haven't really thought of becoming a welcome mat lately.
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