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2006 1 March :: 10.35am
And I'm not sayin' that I know what I want
But I know what I don't
Don't wanna rot in my room
Believe what everyone else tells me is true
pull the ghost
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2006 23 February :: 10.06am
:: Mood: content
I'm gonna shut it off
down all the power
I'm a doctor today
I'm curing viewers by thousands
2 apparitions |
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2006 21 February :: 9.37am
First entry.
She is smiling like heaven is down on earth
Sun is shining so bright on her
And all her wishes have finally come true
And her heart is weeping.
This happiness is killing her.
She'll be right here in my arms
So in Love
She'll be right here in these arms
She can't let go
1 apparition |
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xjayk
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2006 19 February :: 10.50am
Well this weekend has been pretty shitty, my stomach is going to explode, my computers ip adress was changed by Christina then we had to have my aunt that lives in Kentucky fix it up for us. So chrissy was lucky she didn't have to pay $160 for repair... well I have to get ready to leave. Going to head off to my dads.
pull the ghost
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xjayk
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2006 23 January :: 6.42pm
:: Music: P.O.D - Goodbye for Now
Bury it deep, so far that you can't see
"I think the worst part of holding on is letting Go"
----edit----
It's hard watching everything you worked for in the past crumble in your hands and drift away like ash caught in the wind. For years I've tried to get things to work out but it seems tonight when I finally look at the end result I realize all I have left are empty memories. No emotion or meaning latched to them any longer. After all thats what they are...just memories. Memories that I thought would last forever I now am letting them go.
Realizing what I'm doing is probably the hardest thing yet and knowing of all the people I'm discarding along with this clean out memorie process to me is now no longer of any importance. For if they were not just a memorie, I could still go to them and talk about what will be going on in the next few hours or even days, its not like that anymore. I can't remember the look of your eyes, smell of your hair, or any of the stupid things you said to make me laugh when I needed it. Everything is gone. Don't feel bad, after all you were the one whom wanted this to happen. Don't feel any remorse or rejection I've felt enough for the both of us. I saw this coming, and I blindly steped into it. Could have it been prevented? I think not, your happieness means more to me than my own. Soon it wont though, your memorie is becoming short...and yet I don't feel any lighter, perhaps I need to finish cleaning out your memorie.
Minutes seem like days with every closing word we speak. Knowing the end is near can draw fear into the eyes of even the most noble of men, and yet I still don't feel any relief. Shrug it off and let slide another memorie.
Goodbye For Now
by P.O.D.
album: Testify (Jan.24) (2006)
I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel shine,
Through the dark times even when I lose my mind.
But it feels like no one in the world is listenin',
And I can't ever seem to make the right decisions.
I walk around in the same haze, I'm still caught in my same ways.
I'm losing time in these strange days,
But somehow I always know the right things to say.
I don't know what time it is,
Or who's the one to blame for this.
Do I believe what I can't see?
And how do you know which way the wind blows?
Cause I can feel it all around,
I'm lost between the sound.
And just when I think I know, there she goes.
Goodbye for now, Goodbye for now (so long)
Goodbye for now,
I'm not the type to say I told you so.
Goodbye for now (so long)
I think the hardest part of holding on is lettin' it go.
When will we sing a new song? A new song.
I'm still smiling as the day goes by,
And how come nobody ever knows the reasons why?
Bury it deep, so far that you can't see.
If your like me, who wears a broken heart on your sleeve,
Pains and struggles that you know so well,
Either time don't, it can't, or it just won't tell.
I'm not the type to say I told you so,
I think the hardest part of holding on is lettin' it go.
I don't know what time it is,
Or who's the one to blame for this.
Do I believe what I can't see?
And how do you know which way the wind blows?
Cause I can feel it all around,
I'm lost between the sound.
And just when I think I know, there she goes.
Goodbye for now, Goodbye for now (so long)
Goodbye for now,
I'm not the type to say I told you so.
Goodbye for now (so long)
I think the hardest part of holding on is lettin' it go.
When will we sing a new song? A new song.
When will we sing a new song? A new song.
And you can sing until there's no song left (song left)
And I can scream until the world goes deaf (goes deaf)
For every other word left unsaid,
You should've took the time to read the signs
And see what it meant (what it meant)
In some ways everybody feels alone,
So if the burden is mine then I can carry my own (carry my own)
If joy really comes in the morning time,
then I'm gonna sit back and wait until the next sunrise.
Goodbye for now, Goodbye for now (so long)
Goodbye for now,
I'm not the type to say I told you so.
Goodbye for now (so long)
I think the hardest part of holding on is lettin' it go.
When will we sing a new song? A new song.
When will we sing a new song? A new song.
Its a new Day
12:59
pull the ghost
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xjayk
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2006 21 January :: 9.54pm
:: Music: Static X- Kill you Idols
I love waking up in the mornings to have the people I love lying next to me. This morning when I woke I saw my little girl huddled agenst me. I fell asleep last night while waiting for her arrival so it caught me as a plesant surprise.
After we both got our sweaters on we headed upstairs to check on Marley Rose. I sat next to the couch adjacent to her and said "morning" she looked at me smiled and said "Hi" it was a big deal to me. The first word I ever heard her speak.
After playing for a bit then going out for lunch we went home. My mission, to get Abigail Grace to take a nap. Easily enough we were both tired so we layed down for a nap together and again when I woke up she was clinging to me. And when she awoke it was off to CRAZY BOUNCE. Sadly once we got there they closed the doors on us saying that they had a private party scedualled and we were not able to enter. Sooo across the street we went to Chucky Cheese. Abbys' favorite place in the world. After three or four hours there we were all pretty sick of that place so we went to Starbucks then Panarea Bread for bagles. And finally home.
Uncle Bob and Aunt Michelle had a surprise for Christina. I guess they got her an ipod. Chrissys' been wanting one for some time now and Gary had to put his two sense in and say how Chrissy shouldn't have one. By telling my mom this she spinelessly went to my aunt and told her how it could become a problem. Now I'm sure my sister no longer will have that gift. I don't understand him, good things happen to good people that just so happens to be my sister. Perhaps he's jelous no one goes out of there way to do anything nice for him, after all he doesn't do squat for anyone else.
1 apparition |
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xjayk
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2006 20 January :: 9.28pm
Here I am waiting for her to arrive. Abigail Grace and
Marely Rose are both coming tonight. It has been about a month since I've seen them and I've missed them both so much. I'm tired but I'm willing to stay up all night waiting for them two. Hopefully one day they move back up here. It's a terrible seven 1/2 hour drive there and back, depending on if you speed or not. Much to far for my favorite little girls be.
pull the ghost
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xjayk
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2006 17 January :: 4.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Flyleaf so I thought
The new year has finally arived. I find myself every year hoping and praying for a new more exciting all around better year.
It never really turns out all that great.
Last year I went through many growing experiences. Losing a best-friend, and gaining another, fueds that I know will never fade away with time after all how could I ever learn to trust someone that points the trigger at me any time anything goes wrong? I'm not trying to come off as pesimistic because I do have alot to be thankful for. The middle of last year Thaddeus came into my life and things between us are fine. Of course we have our tiffs like any other couple but we seem to resolve them quickly. Lyndsey and I keep in touch as often as humanly possible, though it isn't often I get to see her at least I make an effort.
In better news Thaddeus gave me Adobe the other day and I've made a few peices of my little girl Abby and another of my little sister, then of course Thad and I. They're alright for my first two days with it, at least I can say I'm proud of my work and not need the support of others telling me how beautiful it is or how hiddeous it came out to be. I am more than content with my work and I hope it will stay that way.
pull the ghost
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xJayk
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2005 20 June :: 2.06pm
:: Music: Powerman 5000-Free
It has been quite a busy summer, as you can see I haven't been online all that often. The summer started out with the usual lounging around, I talked to a few friends on the phone, yes sounds like the best first day off ever huh? Then I hung out with Jesus, after that Hillary, then Lyndsey and so on and so forth. Went to Golgotha like I do every week. It is to bad I didn't get to say goodbye to Stacie before she took off to Texas, eh I'll see her before summer ends.
It is hard to believe I only have one more year with most of my friends until they graduate and move on to collage and start a more productive life..well at least the ones that want to make something of themselves. It is going to be quite odd not having my bestfriends there to help me like they promised to do. I know I'll see some of them after graduation but some are going pretty far away for collage. Who knows what the future may bring.
Well back to my summer, Hillary came over and we took many good pictures at the cemetary in Allegan the Historic district, if anyone would like to see them just ask I am quite proud of them myself.
We also took a few at my grandmothers in her upstairs rooms, I found a rocking horse..I had to get many pictures of Hillary on it. Those made my day. :)
I took care of my grandfather and grandmother since my Papa Noam had a stroke, to bad Aunt Peggy had to be there. When I told them that they knew where I was and all they had to do was holler at me if they needed anything I got no responce so I trudged up the stairs until I heard Peggy shout " YOU CAN JUMP OUT THE WINDOW" that old hagg. She didn't do anything I really don't understand why she was there in the first place. She was probably lonely, I think I'd be lonely too if I scared all my friends and family off.
Well that is basicly it. I hope you all are having just a supper time off! *thumbs up* Well I'm off to watch The Lost Boys "Your dead Meat!"
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xjayk
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2005 2 June :: 7.47pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Mudvayne: Happy
Well I guess it has been an okay day.
When I got out of school I got a ride from my aunt to take me downtown and I went to the skate park where I met up with Shain and unexpectedly Durk.
Right now I am getting on a project for someone who's coming here in 31 days. Yes I am very excited! I've been working on this for awhile now and Hillary is getting in on it, so 2 perfectionists= great results. I can't wait to see how it turns out. Well thats all for now, I don't want to spill the beans.
1 apparition |
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xJayk
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2005 26 May :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: In Flames
I miss Her
God is a sick joke parents tell their children to comfort them so they have something to believe in, just like Santa and The Easter Bunny.
If there was a god my mother wouldn't be living in poverty and we wouldn't have a terrible illness passed to a woman whom devoted her life to her children. She's gone to work deathly ill to keep food on the table. Her eldest daughter wouldn't have to give her shots and hook her up to her IV at the end of the day. She has always told me I should take up drama. I guess she realizes that I am an constant actor. " No everythings going to be okay" and " I'll buy the school clothes and pay for drivers ed, don't worry about it". It may not seem like much but emptying out your collage fund to put clothes on your brother and sister including funds for Drivers ed all add up quickly, exspecially without a job.Everything went from great to well, not so great. I guess thats what you get when you do not appreciate what you have when you have it.
Tonight I think I'll make a wish on a star asking for my mom back..I miss her.
I wish I could wake from this
nightmare
and everything will be alright again...
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xJayk
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2005 21 May :: 4.55pm
Well I havent been online lately because I've been in the process of moving. Hillary came on Friday to help on Saterday with the moving sale but that wasn't to successful. I must be going..*moves swing set*
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xJayk
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2005 19 May :: 9.35pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Skinny Puppy
I was looking back around..I would say 11 or 12 years back when I was in South Carlina to visit family. We went to a water park when I made friends with a little girl with cornrolls in her hair we devised a sceam to transfer all the water to one side of the pool. Working for around 30 minutes we stepped aside saying "I think we're doing really good" Soon enough her dad came and started to yell at her for hanging out with a white girl. Shows how much he knows I'm black. Thats right I'm black.
Later I was thinking about when Hillary was trying to make eggs and told me she would burn the house down if I wasn't on the phone with her. The eggs were made sucsessfully and no burning was nesesary. Well I really have nothing to say other than Jesus your an asswhole and since you made a mark on me I'm going to make one on you! I will have my revenge!
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xJayk
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2005 10 May :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: In Flames
Every single day I walk home, a few "gangstas" wait til I pass them to start talking about me, and yes it is quite obvious.
If you really want to call me a gothic whore go ahead, but say it to my face and give me reason. I don't understand, you know nothing about me yet you continue to harass. If you are waiting for a complete negative reaction from me your not going to get one. I will not stoop to your level.
I'm sure if I were a whore I'd have more than a couple gangstas telling me that. I'm sure some of my friends would tell me if I was a slut, whore, gothic, hideous,bitch ect..
Thanks for your input but I really think I'm doing fine without the extra comments on my way home from little nasty wanna be gang bangers who sag thier pants below thier ass to show off thier new boxers. Is that enough of a reaction for you?
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xJayk
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2005 9 May :: 3.29pm
:: Mood: enraged
:: Music: CKY
Don't you hate it when people put thier nose in where its not wanted?
I love having friends over I really do. I love to introduce them to my other friends so we could all hang out and have some good fun. To bad that doesn't happen much. When ever I do have one certain friend over every one likes to put thier two cents in which isn't worth all that much. If you believe that she/he feels something or if you think they do something but your not quite sure, don't you think you'd be logical and either 1 go to thier best friend that lives near to you, or 2 ask them yourself? Now come on I know we've all done it but when you don't know someone or how they are I believe your making a big mistake on your part on judging. Well there are few exseptions but this goes out to most of you back stabbing bastards!
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