I am really trying.. very hard, actually, to become consistent.

In all ways. Mostly in my personality, and with my friends and loved ones.

But.. in the midst of all of this shit, I realize a lot of things I never ever wanted to realize. Things about my mom, things and people I am not sure I want to believe. Who really knows who's right in their ways? I sure don't. I can say the stress is wearing on me, but I'm trying to stay positive. I just feel bad for my Shane. Poor guy has to deal with MY shit all day every day.. but you know what's even more weird? The guy doesn't care that I go nuts sometimes, or if I we end up screaming at each other, it doesn't matter to him.

I wish I knew how to fix me, rather than telling others to change themselves.

The other day at my house I had said something crude, (probably because I was pissed about something else).. and the friend my mom had over goes, "why the hell are you even with her, dude?" And without an ounce of hesitation he goes,
"Because she's worth it. To me - she's worth it." I sit there in awe. I wasn't even sure why. My mom just smiled.
I felt a sort of relief. I think I'm scared. Of what? School, work, finishing what I'm starting, getting a good paying job, not getting stuck where I'm at, my mom's decisions, my mom and I getting that one house, or not getting anything at all, writing that paper, paying that loan, all of the uncertainty. I want consistency, and I'm not at all sure how to get it.

I'm selling my camera, unfortunately. I'm sad, but I'm more anxious than anything. I need to pay off a lot. I've gotten myself into a bind, and it's my fault. My mom's angry because it's what I always wanted, but I can't change my bills. It would help.

Shane will be gone this week, so I plan to hang out with friends, his mom, and hopefully my mom makes some time for me too. I have no money, but we'll figure a way.

I had a job interview, got it, but left it. School's too much for me, and they're giving me an extra day next week at my other job. It probably would've been nice - the extra money, but I can't close 'til midnight. Oh well. I'll find something.

I miss my grandma, and my brother. Maybe I'll go downtown and visit my sister and Brayden. I feel so detached lately. It's beginning to suck. Jim and I are going for dinner later, and Shane has a test to take at 2.
Alicia's coming tomorrow.. I can't even wait. I miss her so much.
I want to take pictures, and listen to music, and drive around, and go for coffee, and walk in the cold with our sweatshirts and coats, and talk for hours about everything and nothing, while still having the best time of our lives.

I miss those times. We will definitely be downtown Holland this holiday season - so, everyone watch your backs. Leesh and I will most likely be down there strutting our stuff. :) I miss those times. I hope they come back this year. And.. hope my car runs safely all the way there. Either way, it's okay.

I got a couple christmas presents out of the way. My dad's getting something really special this year - his own personalized model locomotive (he's a model train buff). My mom's getting cool stuff, I have Leesh halfway done.. and everyone else is still in think-mode. I have a tough time with not over-spending. I love buying for people though.

And I love the feeling of the holidays.

pull the ghost