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2009 3 September :: 5.02pm
It's in your face,
It's in your hands,
It's in the air,
But you can't breath it.
You're not the one I used to know.
Gone to your head..
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I'm not sure I know what to do at this point. I start Baker in a few weeks, and I'm not completely sure what I want. At all.
For anything right now.
My mom put a bid on a house two days ago. I'm on the mortgage, so it's supposed to be exciting. We're probably going to get it. Hopefully.
I still miss Holland, and sometimes I still wonder what might of happened if I were to never move here. The memories are always nice.
I saw Alicia yesterday. I missed her. I don't see her as much as I should.
I almost quit Arby's. It's impossible to leave..
I've been feeling anxious again lately. I can't figure it all out again.
It's definitely getting old. I hate my reoccuring thoughts, as I always have.
I want contentment. And, it's my issue.
8 apparitions |
pull the ghost
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xjayk
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2009 16 August :: 8.31pm
I'm excited and nervous
Its Cleo's first week aniversary and she's finally settled into the basement, I tried to get her to get used to the dogs but she hisses and whines about it so whatev, she'll learn to deal.
Thad and I are finally tying the knot.
I don't know I have so many things running through my head right now its insane. I need a nap... so does Cleo
I think that's what I'll do
I'm visiting Hillary tomorrow and we'll be going over absolutely everything as always and probably blowing some money. You know the usual.
pull the ghost
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xjayk
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2009 10 August :: 12.32pm
I just brought my baby home yesterday, she slept under the sheets with me until about six thirty in the morning when she rubbed her face against mine and cried. I woke Thaddeus up and we examined her bleeding leg and all morning I spent running around from Petco to different vets to try to figure out how to stop the bleeding, stop the pain.
I have to take her to the vet later I just set the appointment up and I'm worried sick. I just spent tons of money for her and she's hurt. I follow her around cleaning up the blood and carrying her from couch to couch because I don't want her to strain her leg anymore. What a spoiled little girl. I hope she doesn't get to used to this
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cjessicapyne
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2009 6 August :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: AFI - Leaving Song pt 2
Don't waste your touch - you won't feel anything. Or were you sent to save me..?
I know what I've become.
I'm just unsure of what tipped over the first domino and started the transformation.
I remember wanting to be that fairytale princess, falling in love, having a big family, being that mom that wouldn't care about the stray dog her kids dragged home.
Yadda yadda..
I remember it all vividly.
I say "remember" because as vivid as it may be, it's not my perspective now.
Not even close.
Fairytales bore me; I've become too cynical.
Too analytical.
Princess? Try Queen of Attention to Detail.
And I can't see myself giving birth to a miniature me when I can barely stand myself most days.
No sir, not for me.
Not anymore.
Don't even get me started on the "L" word.
Agh. I hear the phonetics start and my hands are already up over my ears, and I'm chanting "la-la-la-lalalala-laaaaaaaa!"
Sometimes I have such a dislike for the word that I find myself groping my crotch to make sure I haven't developed man-parts.
Yeahhhh it's that bad.
I've become the antithesis of myself.
I don't want love.
I want to use you up until I'm bored and jump ship.
That's it.
That's all I want.
I don't want best friends, it's just another term for 'convenience' anyway and as much as I'm all about convenience, I'd like to be able to get rid of you whenever I please.
Sorry, but honesty hurts.
And honestly, I'm not that sorry.
Don't get me wrong: there's still a select few (three, rather) that still sit inside my private circle - but you'd be surprised to find out who they really are.
And who they aren't.
And just where you fall.
Right now you're thinking back to every conversation we had and every topic we skimmed across.
Why? I can promise that even though you're conjuring up the worst possible scenario, you're right.
You're wondering about all the times I called.
But more importantly - all the times I didn't.
All the things I never said and never will, but also all of the things I never asked and never will - because I just don't care.
We're all aware of the famous saying by the famous person, "You learn from experience. Regret nothing."
And even though I am well aware of the fact that I mashed a few famous sayings together and couldn't name the famous somebodies, I'll tell you this:
You may learn from experience but you'll learn a lot more a lot faster watching everyone else burn themselves.
It saves on regrets, too.
"And I disintegrate
'cause this hate.. is fucking real."
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xjayk
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2009 4 August :: 10.58pm
So yeah last photos I posted were a scam, those kittens are like 1000 bucks and just a couple cities away NOT TEXAS AHOLE! Try and scam me will you!
So I finally with much presistance and luck I found the new member of the family
Cleo
My baby girl
She just turned one and is such a love muffin I cant wait for her to move on in!
She's moving in Sunday
I have a ton of stuff to get and cleaning to do!
I love my naked kitty...wow that doesn't sound to promising
:D
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xjayk
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2009 4 August :: 12.27am
Now presenting the newest flava
Hopefully he'll be mine in a few days!
Cross your fingers and pray hard!
I want him soo bad
His name shall be
ACE
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xjayk
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2009 25 July :: 3.33pm
New goal to add to the list real quick
Had to write it on here or I'd forget
Goal #5
Get a Sphynx
does anyone know where to get one?
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xjayk
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2009 11 July :: 12.30pm
Ready to Kick Some Ass
I've been so insainly busy lately its nuts! (kind of redundant but whatev)
First I went to Chicago to check out my school and where I'll be living. AMAZING I hate to gloat but my God this place is amazing. Everything I want is right near me, free concerts, 10 bucks to see a broadway play. Come On! What could be better? The only downfall is that I'll be there alone in a big city having no idea what I'm doing for the first few weeks but hey if I don't like it there after awhile I can move to Boston and have my credits transfered annnd then I'll be closer to my lovelies.
There was soo much to do there, my feet hurt so bad after walking over seventeen miles throughout Chicago. Thank God for spa tubs with jets am I right or am I right? We got to see Neyo live and went to the Taste of Chicago which was a rip off but the food was very very good. :D
The rainforest cafe' is always fun no matter where you are. It was Thads first time so he freaked when the 'storm' came through. :D hah
As soon as we got into the Chicago area I was threatend by some big black guy who said he would 'beat cho' ass gurl!' to sum that up I rolled up my car window and sang the tunes on the radio.
We finally got home early morning like 2ish and hit the sack but not long for me, I had to get up and ready to see my babies. Well not so much babies anymore. Abbys turned 7 and Marley Rose is 4 now! We had fun we went to Cranes Apple Orchard for lunch and bought the worlds best cider donuts and I took them swimming at the marina and bandaged wounds for a week. They can drive me absolutely crazy but I love them very very much and I wish they didn't have to leave.
....This morning someone shot my car
...great news pops, Gotta go
later
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xjayk
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2009 26 June :: 1.00am
Goals...Goals...Goals
This Years Goal List
- Find a steady job
- Get a place at the Scrapyard Lofts
- Kick the World in the Ass
- Start an account specifically for saving up money for a new car
I think that's a pretty good priority list if I do say so myself.
Life at the dad's house is good, but I hate the fact I live here and am not independent. I love when I have a job just so I can take care of myself, I absolutely hate living off of others.
pull the ghost
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xjayk
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2009 17 June :: 1.18am
Looking for some new filters for photoshop
if anyone has any idea where I can get some would ya let me know?
pull the ghost
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2009 13 June :: 11.08am
Dear Leesh,
My schedule this week is as follows..
Today = 6-11 at arby's and 12-7 at the mill.
Tomorrow = 7-11 at the arby's unless they want me longer..
Monday 6/15 = 3-10 at the g-mill.
Tuesday and Wednesday off!!
Thursday = 11-2 Arby's
Friday off!!
Saturday and Sunday = the same as this weekend.
Come see me or I'll come see you. Call/text me or I will call/text you.
:-)
Love ya
6 apparitions |
pull the ghost
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xjayk
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2009 9 June :: 3.42am
Just got my Flickr up!
I really don't know what its all about but I guess I'll find out.
Anyone have one? If so add me
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aliciamariewinn
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xjayk
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2009 9 June :: 12.40am
So very very tired.
I feel like my head is constantly swimming.
I feel like I need to talk to someone, dont get me wrong its not like I don't have friends here but they have their own things to worry about and are very much concerned about only having a good time. I dont need to be troubling them with my issues.
I guess that's what brings me here, again.
It seems like no matter how many times I try to tell someone something its always 'the wrong time' and 'maybe we'll talk later'. Its sad when I rely on an old site that no one reads as a comfort, an outlet. One unlike I have in the 'outside world'.
I've been working on getting into college wich is quite frankly, a pain in my ass. Essays, transcripts, meetings. BAH!
If only it was a simple interview a few questions they acess you and then BAM you're in.
God hates me
Went out and watched HANGOVER toinght and it was AMAZING!
New favorite movie
Yeah I got kind of side tracked when I get a chance I'll be back to write more.
pull the ghost
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xjayk
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2009 30 May :: 11.12pm
Out of Anger
You tell me you know you have a problem
it doesn't seem to matter much, seeing how you hit the bottle
You make a fool of yourself and you don't even realize
You seem to think no matter how many nights you come home to scream and yell and hit I'll stay
Well you have another thing comin'
I'm not going to live worried if you're coming home from the bar tonight, if you're going home with someone, or if your locked up
I'm not the person to be torn down excessively and think 'oh he'll change' no, I've learned
and the sad thing is you don't even know, or at least pretend not to
I'm done with being scared and all around unsettled by you
I've had my chances with other great men but I always come home to someone who doesn't even know I excist
I look out for you, care for you, clothe and feed you
yet you disreguard it all
I know I'm not perfect but I work on my imperfections but not just for you, for me
So when you get home tomorrow, I wont be here - but the note will be
It'll tell you to call me and I'll explain
but you're packing your bags
and I dont need you to be a bottom feeder on my family and that I need a real man and until you become one you need to find a new host
to feed off of because I'm drained - completely
and the funny thing is I think you'll understand
I think you know that your time here is running short - is that why you were with her tonight?
I'm not an idiot
your slip-ups have become quite apparent
I hope you find yourself in a place where they make you work and pay for everything, I hope you realize what you missed out on, and I pray you think about it every day and all night until you loose sleep and it makes you ill, and I also hope you think about your kid every single fucking day and wonder 'what if I were there'
What are you going to do now that everyones gone? Now your friends are all in the army and moved away, now that you're alone?
I know I'm saying this out of anger but hell I know I'll say it again
Fuck you!
I'm done
I'm out
sadly not over it
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