xjayk
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2009 20 April :: 6.07pm
High-Strung
Today hasnt been a proud one.
See this girl? The one of dreams and ambition?
I tore her down.
Made a mockary of her.
Fed her the shit that's been on my shoulders.
As our grandparents pass I take care of the family. I cook, clean, monitor pill consumption, and talk to doctors. I travel far out of my way every day and stay into all hours of the night to make sure mee-ma is comfortable and safe. Before I leave the house I lock every door and window, then travel down the cellar and lock the door from the inside and out. Once home I deal with the struggle of being an ansomiac, tossing and turning laying in bed in the dark staring upwards wishing to sleep before my alarm goes off, then once I feel as if I'm asleep the alarm clock rings. I've only been asleep for 25min. looks like I'm missing school again today.
I try to keep a positive outlook. Keep everyone happy. But sometimes she can be so pissy and tries to bring everyone else down, so I stay positive until she does something so incredibly stupid that I can hardly take it and today the devil came out of me.
I told her how consumed in herself she was. How she is so far down into her own web of self pitty that she doesn't realize what everyone else is doing and what a burden it is for her when we ask anything of her. How when someone is taking on a full time job, parenting, taking on a cancer pacient can really be stressful and when she plays in our sisterly drama into everything it could possibly be a breaking point.
I heard her cry
and though I care
I think she needed to hear what I said
but it didn't need to be like that.
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xjayk
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2009 17 April :: 11.30pm
Hello
There hasn't been much to say lately, nothing that hasn't already happenned again and agian.
I've been stuck in the same ol' rituals
Get up
Miss school
Go to my grandmothers
Do laundry
Make sure gram takes her pills and checks her blood sugar
go home
Realize that I may not be around Michigan for much longer
Get upset with Thaddeus for being a complete mind fuck
Make up
go to bed
Oooh! Does anyone know where I can get my camera lense fixed? And how much it may cost? I'm going crazy with my zoom lense, its good for landscape but I really would like some options.
I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks
yeah...gay post ey?
2 apparitions |
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cJessicaPyne
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2009 6 April :: 11.33pm
:: Music: Burn Halo - Dirty Little Girl.
You caught me under false pretenses.
..and on my day off from Aveda and the turmoils of memorizing head and scalp conditions, what do I do?
Type up my scalp condition notes.
COME ON.
I have seemingly developed a creepy need to be organized.
Organized to the point of self-irritation.
I'm not just keeping an agenda. No. We're talking re-ordering my music library, being two weeks ahead on my homework, making note cards (insert 'wtf' here) for things I ALREADY HAVE MEMORIZED (or, excuse me, compartmentalized..).
I have even gone through my phone and reassigned all of my ringtones.
Not only have I tidied my own bedroom, but Courtney's as well because she's in Florida on spring vacation so she isn't here to lock me out like Cammie does and dear god I cannot help myself.
Fuck an alarm; I get up before the sun and you can bet I'm looking for senseless things to preoccupy myself with.
I mean, who has their fridge color coordinated?
This bitch right here, thanks.
Oh p.s., I've passed all of my knowledge assessments and practical applications so far.
So woo.
1 apparition |
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cjessicapyne
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2009 6 April :: 12.07am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Muse - Supermassive Black Hole.
I've been lax on the updatage 'round here on account of the fact that I've BEEN GETTING MY ASS KICKED with school and the overflow of material I need to cram into my head.
Or as Aveda says, "compartmentalize."
def: to store away in different compartments of the mind.
So now I listen and daydream about little secretaries running around my head, which is filled with a million filing cabinets.
I really shouldn't be complaining considering work starts on Wednesday, so if I think I have it bad now, I should really finalize my Will.
BUT OTHERWISE THINGS ARE GREAT.
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xjayk
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2009 26 March :: 12.51am
I can feel him at night sometimes. When I'm lying in bed wide awake but trying my hardest to sleep. I smell the tobacco and feel his hard warmth. Its almost like a sign like he's telling me that it'll be okay and that I'm doing the right thing. Its funny because when I do something bad I can feel this ice cold breeze come through my room just long enough for me to notice then its gone again.
I stare at his picture that sits next to my bed along with the obituary article clip out proped up against it. I wonder if he knew or at the very least knows now how much I love him. He was a tight fisted man and had a shell a three feet thick, but I love him.
I stare at the chair he sat in.
The fabric is worn from years of abuse.
And there sits his glasses on the January 22nd paper.
Arms of an oxe and the belly of a truck driver. He could bench 500lbs -
and never gloated.
No one understood him, with the exception of a few.
He once spent an hour cleaning out a pond searching for a little girls bracelet she got for taking out the trash.
He was loud, he had something like a yell when he spoke but I'd give anything to hear it again.
He was cheap, clung tight to every nickel. And he would give anything up for his family.
He survived the family curse.
and
He'd wait in a car for 2hours in a blizzard so a teenager could roller-skate.
A racist S.O.B
and the ultamit protector.
He chased men down the road in his underware and a shotgun in his hand for peaking in on my mother
and followed people home in the winter just to make sure they were okay
He'll always be that finger I clung to when I wanted to walk in the woods, but not alone.
The worst advice giver
and the most honest man I know
He'll always be that last tear before bed and the laugh with a friend
and I'd give anything to see him again.
I roll over and grasp tightly onto his old lounge shirt and dig my face into it and inhail getting the last sent of him out. Tears that I've held in for so long I'm finally letting go.
1 apparition |
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2009 23 March :: 1.24pm
:: Mood: amused
Haha. I think it's still funny. I really really do.
I love how people just keep on keepin' on.
I mean, here I am at CC waiting for my class to start, and all I have to do is meander around online looking at all of the stupid idiotic people on facebook. Yep, we've all got one. Personally, it's creepy as all hell, but it's a good source of entertainment. (I HATE MY LAPTOP) sorry, anyways, now that I've stopped deleting every one of my meaningless sentences..
Hm. I just find it hilarious that girls think it's awesome to be rail thin, drink and smoke their asses off (wow, hypocritical..), find out who's breaking up with who, make drama even though they think they're being all cute, fuck guys left and right and wonder why they're getting fucked over themselves? Hah. Haha.
Go eat a cheese burger.
15 apparitions |
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xjayk
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2009 8 February :: 7.48pm
I find myself here once again, downstairs in my dirty room alone. I haven't been alone in weeks starting when my Popa Noam died. After he died I had surgery, from which I'm still healing, and have been consuming myself in projects so I don't break down and cry. Apparently I've extended my healing time because of my constant moving around and neglecting myself.
But I'm not wallowing not in the least. I've been going to school and upping my grades every day, taking care of my grandmother, and shopping. Not nearly enough shopping if you ask me but I dont have money and Thaddeus doesn't have nearly enough.
I'm looking around for photographers. I want to get pictures done of Thaddeus and I and I'd also like to get my senior pictures done. I'm not sure where to go. I had one place in mind but I forgot the name I think it was called " Arising Images " but I can't remember. Its in detroit but hey they have cool stuff. I don't know. Maybe I'll just have Hill take pictures of Thad and I for now.
Well I really didn't have anything to say but I guess that was just a little update for anyone checking in.
Have a good one
later
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xjayk
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2009 24 January :: 2.31pm
If anyone has been trying to get ahold of me I'm sorry, but I probably wont be answering calls for awhile.
Popa Noam died yesterday
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xjayk
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2009 17 January :: 1.00pm
Surgery Date: January 28th
Time: 11:00 am
The count-down is on
I was stuck in the doctors office for about 4 hours last night as he showed me what my scars would look like, where the insition would be, how long it'll take, and whatnot. It made it so much more real, and to know its only a week and a half away makes me a jumbled wreck.
Ahh
What-ev
I'm hoping things get back to normal soon. It feels like friends and family are becoming more and more distant. But on the positive...
Thad and I are becoming closer together.
I miss Hillary, I wish she was here. I don't know why it just feels like I need her right now. Its like seperation anxiety. It sucks. You know. To feel so alone.
I guess this post is really about nothing I guess. I dont really have anything else to say.
Every time I close my eyes
The noise inside me amplifies
I can't escape
I relive every moment of the day
Every misstep I have made
Finds a way it can invade
My every thought
And this is why I find myself awake
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2009 15 January :: 6.46pm
:: Music: Blue October - Ugly Side
I'm living just to watch it all go by.
-----
I only want you to see
My favorite part of me,
And not my ugly side..
Not my ugly side.
Hook up a C.B. Wave a way
For conversation flow.
I'm shoved in your cave, to wage this rage..
Don't let me go.
A kick and a scream is all that seems
To mean a lot thus far.
I won't let you on my stage, my page..
You can't know.
Yet you have to know.
-----
I think it is ridiculously hilarious how people just keep going with the shit that they know is fake, and the shit that they know is digging themselves deeper and deeper in. I think it's so funny, too, that they keep fucking people over with the same worn-out, obvious bull-shit that they have been using for years.
So funny.
It'll come back to them someday in some shape or form. No worries about that one.
2 apparitions |
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cJessicaPyne
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2009 12 January :: 12.03am
Dear Isaiah Jakob,
It's been a year and 3 minutes since I found you and lost you all in one moment. I'm going to see your grave today but it's more than that. I come by to say hello all the time and I leave you things, but selfishly keep your lamb and blanket and hats and clothes..
But today is different.
Today is more.
Today is my realization that no matter what, time is going to keep marching by but this will never hurt any less. Nothing will ever feel so right wrapped around my finger than yours. Or my arms around you.
I don't fight the tears anymore.
I'm not ashamed and I'm sorry that I ever was. I'm sorry that it took me a few days to confess to my father, but I was scared, and I'm so sorry.
I know you already knew that. You already knew everything I needed to tell you. One breath was enough, for you, little man.
I'll still always want a million more.
But that's because I'm your mama and I love you and I miss you, and damn it, 8 hours was NOT enough. These pictures, these clothes, these toys, these cards - they get me by. But they're nothing compared to being able to fall asleep with you, even if it was just one night.
I breathed you in and memorized your scent and face and could probably measure out perfectly how long your fingernails were.
Things have changed so much and this world is a mess. Sometimes I'm glad you're there, and not here, because this world sucks and isn't fit for you and your perfection.
If there were some way I could cut to the front of the line and be with you, I would.
Or maybe we'd cut ties and sneak away to string together stars and build our own world, just the two of us. We could race pirate ships to nebulas and back, drink laughter and feast on dreams, and just be happy.
Because Isaiah Jakob, talking to a cold stone and damp grass just isn't working for me.
I see Kaleb and Karis and Emilio and Eliseo run through the house on the holidays and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see you running along behind them. Or beside them. Or in front. Or maybe you'd do your own thing. Maybe you would rather sit and watch.
I was a watcher too.
Maybe you'd be outgoing, charming the pants off of every lady in every supermarket. Or maybe you'd be shy, covering your face.
Maybe you'd have my curls and pull at them nervously.
I do know you had my lips and my eyes and my nose.
I've pictured them all scrunching up into a smile for so long.
One year and three minutes, to be exact.
Your aunt picked up your Christmas star from the funeral home and gave it to me on New Years. I wrapped it in your blanket and tucked it in your chest.
And I cried just as hard as I'm crying now.
1 apparition |
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xjayk
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2009 11 January :: 10.30pm
What a night
what
a
night
I sit alone in my empty room for just a moment. I hear the foot steps above me of my boyfriend in the kitchen walking towards the stairs. I'm sitting in a contemplative mood, wondering if I should continue this post or just sit here and let it all fester.
Distance is hell and time is nothing
What used to be so easy has become difficult beyond all belief, and the simple things in life are the things I wish I could obtain once again.
Days felt like they lasted forever as with nights. The three hours of play-time with a best friend felt like what a week would now.
I'm walking in circles trying to pass a sobriety test.
I've been in a state of desporation trying to reach my 'other half'. And I ended up driving through a white-out to spend 3 and a half hours unregretably with my Hill. Most of which we just spent talking stairing over our cokes, and for a second time stoped again. Just like when we'd sit and play with our dinosaurs. But that ended a little to quickly.
What do you do when your life feels like its not running? Kind of like a car that hasn't had an oil change in over a year. Your stuck in this odd paradigm of confusion and questioning. I haven't been able to be with my friends and be normal much lately. Does that happen with everyone? I can't shake this feeling of loneliness. I could be in a crowded room but still feel like I'm standing alone. Am I?
Does this even make sense?
How do I make this stop? I want to go back to normal but my life feels like its spiraling. There are times I want to run, get out of this place, I want to be somewhere where no one knows my name. A place where no one would recognize me if I walked down the street.
Is there an invisable boundrie set up where right when you think your making progress and your on the right track you walk into that invisable wall and get blown backwards and wind up with a black eye?
I think so
I was just wondering if anyone has ever gone through this before and how they delt with it....If no one responds I understand, its just curiousity. Maybe it could help me out a bit.
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2009 9 January :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: exanimate
:: Music: Staind - Tangled Up In You
I don't understand it.
I seriously do not get it.
Why do I act like this? And why the hell do I feel like I can't get away from this FEELING?
It's beginning to go around in circles, and then back around for one more swing. To laugh at me, to poke fun at me.
It's not funny. It really is not funny. Life, you're really starting to irritate me. You really, really do sometimes. It's not funny anymore.
Hey, I know it makes no sense. I really know, I totally do.
I feel like I'm going crazy over here, trust me.
I don't even know why I'm typing, to be honest. I just need some sort of outlet, I guess. Some form of communication from myself, with myself so that I can read back all of the things I wrote the previous day and wonder if I'm really here or there.
I am feeling so ridiculously at the end of my wits. I don't know what to do about it, or where to go, or who to be with, or to even look at myself in the mirror when I wake up in the morning.
If this is some stage in life to 'find out who I am', it's not funny. Not anymore. Life, you need to just stop. For one second, let me catch up, and maybe I'll be able to give you what you want in turn for some peace of mind.
AND now I feel like I'm repeating myself endlessly. Just to sit back and realize that what I'm writing now is what I've always been writing, just slightly off key. Just a tid-bit different. Not by much, but enough to make a new post all about it.
Sometimes I disgustingly hate my ability to dig deep into the abyss of all that is 'me'. I know that I'm not the perfect girl. I know some people might not like me, and some people might even feel like they know me. Well, maybe they do. Maybe they've gotten to the bottom of the bottle. I hope they tell me what's going on down there, at the end of the tunnel! It better be a huge party.
I can't stand not knowing what's going to happen. I know it's strange. But life is full of that, and all of its 'surprises' and shit.
I'm starting to think that's why life's getting to me lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting around wallowing in my own self-pity.. okay. Nevermind, I probably am. And it's getting old, even to me. The person who's doing the wallowing.
I'm getting desperate here.
Someone - with some good fucking advice, tell me WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
And the sad thing is.. I am being completely serious with all of this.
I just really want to know what someone else has to say.
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2008 26 December :: 4.48pm
For Jo-Jo
...What I got for Christmas.
From my mom, Shane, my grandma, Shane's mom, and Shane's grandma..
1. My baby, aka the Nikon D60
2. A fire topaz ring from Shane.
3. A purple-ish, cool sweater
4. A pair of jeans
5. 2 pairs of slippers
6. A HUGE blanket with a super-soft body pillow that I cuddled last night.
7. Another home-made blanky.
8. 2 Toblerone candy bars..
9. An awesome robe with stars on it.
10. Pj's
11. 2 memory cards for my camera.
..annd that's it, I think.
More than what I asked for, definitely!
--
Off to Holland now for the weekend.
Friends are what I need.
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