well...

i guess the weekend isn't too unproductive.
fooled around with this today

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/bhbassist/want.mp3

i need ta make it better. i'm such a mess. i need to learn how to play the piano. and the guitar.

anyways. enjoy that little bit of my life up there.

dammit

i got no sleep all week. get home friday, chill here for a while, worked on a song, just hung out.

went to sleep around midnight.

woke up at 6pm today.

god dammit.

what a waste of a weekend. tomorrow i have a bass lesson so i've gotta practice for that then i gotta do a shitload of homework. then comes another monday.

god damn.

fuck.

a sense of understanding and letting go.

well, she asked. this was last night, when i was on the concerta. i finally got everything i've been keepin up for the last few years out in an organized and sophisticated manner. i was proud.

__________________

caffienatidjazz: is it raining there?

sara: yup! pretty damn hard

caffienatidjazz: it's raining really hard here and i think it's really funny because will is online but idle. and he always complains about how his computer is shit, but when theres a thunderstorm he turns it off and runs and hides and goes to bed. because if in the 1/10000000000000000000009900 chance his computer got struck by lightning, i'd say his parents would buy him a new one
caffienatidjazz: and he's idle
caffienatidjazz: and if he's asleep, and it's raining there... i laugh

sara: haha tell me conor...why is it you and will do hate eachother so?

caffienatidjazz: he hates me too? cool!

sara: well actually i dont know that
sara: i just assumed cause u hate him so much
sara: WHY?

caffienatidjazz: -he's either depressed or cocky.
-i've dealt with his shit for the last 5 years in the band. i put my ass on the line and got a lot of shit from john and adam when i was made to kick them out because they sucked and will doesn't have balls. then the fact that i went out and got a drummer.
-he's insanely narrowminded. he hates a lot of music. which is stupid. especially for a musician.
-i spent 7 weeks (8 hours a day) of my summer to buy my rig. after i buy it the band breaks up and it's useless. he worked less, got paid more, and held onto it and bought all the recording equipment that i really could use for this project with kenji.
caffienatidjazz: -he has yet to face reality. he's been brought up in his perfect little princeton world, been ingrateful for his situation a lot of the time, and hasn't had the experience outside of his house and pds to grow in maturity level. it's annoying as hell. not to be self-righteous, but between moving thrice, first from columbus to hamilton then from hamilton to montgomery then to here, and playing sports (another thing he constantly blindly criticises) and my family literally having "moved on up", i've dealt with a wide range of people in society. especially when my dad works to represent labor unions
caffienatidjazz: so between all that, and the little quirks, he's the perfect target for my anger.
caffienatidjazz: so i can't really say he didn't have it coming when i've kept my mouth shut about him since 6th grade.
caffienatidjazz: i've been around him a lot longer than you have . and i've changed a lot. a lot. mostly from having a ton of perspectives and being pretty rounded (before i started dropping sports for music). he hasn't changed at all. at all.
caffienatidjazz: i didn't mean to go all into detail, but i was curious of myself too. and i managed to organize it. rock on.

sara: whoa wow..cant say i expected that one hah though i really do respect that cause you have damn good reason and your not just being an asshole for no reason cause thats not what your like
sara: i like the detail

caffienatidjazz: he's very critical.... and has nothing to back himself up. and if you try to express a different opinion, he just stutters and talks louder until you hear him more clearly so it seems.
caffienatidjazz: yeah. thats all.

sara: hah very well then good sir!

caffienatidjazz: yea. thats all.
caffienatidjazz: i mean, i have no problem with you being friends with him or anything, cos you practically just met him. and if he matures in the next few years, then better for all ya'll.
caffienatidjazz: just. so much aggrivation.

sara: i can actually completely understand all of your aggrivation towards him - i mean i havnt known him all that long but i can see how he would piss you off so much it makes sense
sara: whatever hah...why cant we all just get along...

caffienatidjazz: we're just too different. in interests, mindset, and.. character i guess. and he's exactly the kind of person who pisses me off. and he criticises others all the time. for liking rap for instance. when he's totally opposed to anything popular right now. he won't even listen to it.
caffienatidjazz: i dont know
caffienatidjazz: the summer after 7th grade i went with a bunch of people to a beach house.
caffienatidjazz: and on the way back it was me and will in the back, a girl you dont know in the front, my mom in the front, and another girl in between us
caffienatidjazz: and they were playing pop songs
caffienatidjazz: which at the time i was anti.
caffienatidjazz: so i put on my headphones really loud
caffienatidjazz: and talked over them
caffienatidjazz: and was obnoxious.
caffienatidjazz: then i realized that it wasn't that bad, it's still music and it makes people happy, and fuck. they're girls. why would i want to be closed minded to anything a hot girl likes?
caffienatidjazz: i dont think i realized that till about a year after though

sara: hahaha wow conor that is why i love you

caffienatidjazz: hah
caffienatidjazz: exactly!!!

sara: i daresay i have a whole barrel of newfound respect for you

caffienatidjazz: oh good! haha
caffienatidjazz: just dont be mad at will or anything. (not saying you would) you and him is not me and him.

sara: yeah i know - you guys can have your thing but i still wish to love you both

caffienatidjazz: O:-)

________________

I dreamed about killing you again last night
And it felt alright to me
Dying on the banks of Embarcadero skies
I sat and watched you bleed
Buried you alive in a fireworks display
Raining down on me
You cold, hot blood ran away from me
To the sea

I painted my name on the back of a leaf
And I watched it float away
The hope I had in a notebook full of white, dry pages
Was all I tried to save
But the wind blew me back via Chicago
In the middle of the night
And all without fight
At the crush of veils and starlight

I know I'll make it back
One of these days and turn on your TV
To watch a man with a face like mine
Being chased down a busy street
When he gets caught, I wont get up
And I wont go to sleep
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Via Chicago

Where the cups are cracked and hooked
Above the sink
They make me think
Crumbling ladder tears don't fall
They shine down your shoulders
And crawling is screw faster lash
I blow it with kisses
I rest my head on a pillowy star
And a cracked door moon
That says I havent gone too far

I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Via Chicago

Searching for a home
Searching for a home
Searching for a home
Via Chicago

I'm coming home
I'm coming home

___________

Because we made you
My darlin
With the love in each of our hearts
We were a family, my darlin
Right from the start

i dont have too much to post.
school is a bitch.
the television cd is on its way.
still horny.
happens.
ned keeps telling me i look like a mess. this time "more of a mess than me, and i got less sleep than you"
oh well.

gift: http://www.illwillpress.com/rant.html

____

oh right. and this:

will (7:54:29 PM): wow, i am such a smartass.

will (7:54:52 PM): from mr downey (in email form): Will, please explain why you were a no-show for the meet yesterday. There was no communication from you, and this has happened before, I believe. This sport is the equivalent of a course and attendance, in the absence of a reasonable excuse, is required.

will (7:55:06 PM): my response: Im afraid my absence was due to me spending my afternoon in a psychiatric ward. If a note was required, I will generously present the proper parental consent as needed.

me (7:55:37 PM): that's more pathetic than smart-assed.

______

i don't see his point.

what?
my dad bought me a cd today. i was torn b

nevermind. i'm not going to waste your time.

we don't have much left, you know.

it's the velvet underground. self-titled. 3rd album? something like that. i picked it out. i love it. it's really my mood right now.

maybe i would try harder in school if i was getting paid. or at least maybe i'd have the slightest motivation.

i haven't eaten much.

chilling. it's cold in here. then i started my homework and got angry. anger = hot. so i got my fan and my mom yelled at me for complainging about being cold.

i'm cold again.

fuck.

i have a lot of work to do. and it's my fault i didn't do it earlier.

no.

yes.

i'm forcing myself to eat a granola bar right now. hopefully i won't puke. too much.

lucy leaves tomorrow.

take that however you want to. i'm going to click now

fuck.
____________

(1:19:01 AM): what would you say if you had cancer?
(1:19:12 AM): really. what would you (italics) say. (/italics)

me (1:19:46 AM): fuck. how long till i'm too weak to get into the studio?

(1:20:10 AM): good answer.

____________

(fingers crossed, biting lip)


:(

__________

oy. it's 1:05. been talking to nikol for a while. that's good. at least she's not mad at me. marisa's buying me television's "marquee moon" as an early early b-day present because i'm broke and she's nice.

always a good thing.

her birthday's in june.

i'll have to get her something next month...

a few hours after talking to rosser, and learning some uncertain dire facts about lucy, working on a song, and pissing away my bodyweight last night, i finally went to sleep.

it takes a while to fall asleep when you'v taken adderall a few hours before.

but... i did it.

joy.

i think i made some people angry last night. maybe i was out of line. maybe they were.

i woke up this morning sweating, my upper body becoming perpindicular to my lower before i could even get my eyes open.

i looked around.

then i decided it had worn off. (as i stared at my arm for a half hour).

the sun on your arm... you can pick out certain colors, red and greens and white light.

then i had a good 10 minutes of my soul curling up inside my skull and poking my brain after my conscious mentioned the name jacob. why? i have no idea.

i got up and went to the mirror only to see my eyes were still dilated.

so i got back in bed. no risks with parents.

but i got up again anyways.

i needed to come down here and say sorry to anyone i was an asshole to, and if i was out of line forgive me.

i should have gone to sleep after i talked to rosser. after he told me to go to sleep. i should have.

i'm gonna get some breakfast.

fuck. i hope lucy's ok.

and where the fuck is nikol!? damn.

p.s. my phone is now updated.

Dildo
Kenji Cell
Kenji Home
Natalia
Nevin Cell
.

maybe i do need help
Content:
____________
Need (12:06:48 AM): if nothing happened, she doesnt need to know.

me (12:06:49 AM): ddddddddddddddddd

Need (12:07:56 AM): what the fuck conor? why the hell do you need to bring that on lucy right now?

me (12:07:57 AM): i
me (12:08:02 AM): dont
me (12:08:04 AM): know

need (12:08:33 AM): and she doesnt need to hear that the love of her life wants his ex girlfriend, just because she was being friendly.

________________


it was nothing. i know that. i didn't think i made it out to be anything. i'm on adderall.

misconception: adderall makes you stay awake

fact: i slept on the ride home

if anything right now, i dont kneed 3 people yelling at me.

i called rosser.

he has genuine concern. that's always welcoming. he was awake. that was beautiful.

kneed. need. kneed is need and need is ned. ok?

it looks better that way to me right now.

i'm going to cry.

wow

i dont remember much from last night other than it was beautiful.

i'm at my uncles' house. i opted not to go on the hay ride. i guess i'm old enough to have an opinion.

natalie called this morning. i woke up at 2. i'm going to go see her tonite. with ned and her two friends from school.

cancelled my bass lesson for this.

oh well.

this dinky windows 98 laptop shtinks.

oh well.

later.

havee you?
well?

ui ask only beceause i'm drunk

lucy's online drunk too (see!? i don only get drunk alone. foools!)

i had to waters some bottles cos my parents you know thatds be bad. cos the cabinet which is like floating in the air is fool of horniness and if they see the alcohol is gone even if they dont drink alcohol then they'll know i like drinky-poo.

and now ima dty' to make a real sentence.

might take a while.s

i love lucy. in every way i know at lsest.

gah!

i have a feeling that will make a lot o b =people mad.

oh well. my drunkness is not your satire.

wait.
waht the fuck?

soon to be goodnight
signed,
conor

anything.
one week to decide. that's all it would take. a lifetime. paper tigers. from her to eternity.

__

Cheer up, honey, I hope you can
There is something wrong with me
My mind is filled with silvery star
Honey kisses, clouds of fog
Sugars shrugging off
Cheer up, honey, I hope you can
There is something wrong with me
My mind is filled with radio cures
Electronic surgical words
Picking apples for kings & queens of things I’ve never seen
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Cheer up, honey, I hope you can
There is something wrong with me
My mind is filled with silvery star
Honey kisses, clouds of fog
Picking apples for kings & queens of things I’ve never seen
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has the way of making love understandable
Oh, distance has the way of making love understandable
Cheer up, honey, I hope you can

__

Ice baby,
I saw your girlfriend and she was
Eating her fingers like they’re just another meal
But she waits there
In the levee washes
Mixin’ cocktails with a plastic-tipped cigar

My eyes stick to all the shiny roses
You wear on the protein delta strip
In an abandoned house but I will wait there
I’ll be waiting forever...
I’ll wait and wait and wait...

Minerals, ice deposits daily, dropped off
The first shiny robe
I’ve got a lot of things I want to sell, but
Not here, babe-- tortuuurreeee...

Every time I sit around I find I’m shot
Every time I sit around I find I’m shot
Every time I turn around I find I’m shot
Every time I sit around I find I’m shot
Every time every time...
You’re my... summer babe
Summer babe

blood
*Version from "Der Himmel Uber Berlin"

quentin tarintino presents Kill Bill: Volume 1

uma thurman is beautiful.

lucy liu is prettier in anime form.

in 1983/84 Nick Cave (featuring the bad seeds) released an album called "from her to eternity"

i bought it. my payment consisted of 5 dollars in quarters. and a lot of ones.

it's a lot different than his most recent album, nocturama.

oh well.

i probly shoulda bought some lou reed.

i need another $300 to blow on cds.

anyone hiring?

lemon seltzer water

it's not my fault.

i'm giving up. i'm going to resort to the common method of waiting for women to come to me.

that doesn't happen.

i know that.

as much as i could use a relief from being horny, i can't do it. i dont want to do it.

i often feel like i deserve to be sad.

my mother has no pity.

so she buys liter bottles of flavored seltzer water from giant. giant brand.

i got my phone back. my address book was erased.

it is now as follows:

Dildo
Kenji Cell
Kenji Home
Nevin Cell

.

those are the only people i really need to talk to. even if will makes me angry, that in itself is a reason to have his number.

i picked up all my gear from his house today. i now have my roland keyboard, $1300 worthless bass rig, and bass pod with broken midi cables.

*sigh*

i hadn't seen his parents in a while.

they are very nice people.

well.

i want to be with lucy again. if only for a short time. i don't think i'm allowed to say that.

________


Lucy (4:11:48 AM): and around two i realized that i wanted to write something that really rhymed which is an urge i have gotten perhaps once in my life

Lucy (4:11:57 AM): so i took all of my instant messages and stared at them and then i wrote this:

Lucy (4:12:13 AM):

we're sick of living with such needless sorrow
we promise that we'll share a perfect tomorrow
and on the way we've cried for all that we lack
he left this picture without a single look back

i know they'll read it over several times
admit defeat and miss the life between the lines
the man behind the curtain stays underground
until the fog machine is finally found

i sense it's harder for him every day
with his reassuring quiet role to play
but he tries so hard to carry out his part
to keep the peace he never meant to start

and if i represent her flaws and her past
then all her memories could be fading fast
she likes to live inside the here and now
my voice of truth can only bring her down

he's pouring seltzer down the sink, sofa cold
i know he misses having someone to hold
and it was wrong but felt so warm and right
i wish he'd hold me close and we'd hide from the light

we breathed in love and left our lies to die
drank in the moments as the hours went by
because that night was what we're meant to be
the darkness crafting passion effortlessly

Lucy (4:13:09 AM): i hate rhyming with a fiery passion.

Lucy (4:13:34 AM): and it is cheesey BECAUSE it rhymes. but it might not be so bad. if i hacked it apart. and fixed it.

Lucy (4:13:59 AM): i don't know. i havent eaten in three days, haven't slept all night, and i really can't tell.

Lucy (4:15:05 AM): AUURGGGGHHHHH!!! I WISH I HAD MUSICAL TALENT! that is how i would fix this. how do musicians get away with rhyming lyrics? HOW!? because i know that they can. the injustice of it all...

Lucy (4:15:13 AM): *dramatic sigh*

Lucy (4:15:21 AM): goodnight conor.

Lucy (4:16:06 AM): oh. and. its quite irrelevant. but.

Lucy (4:16:09 AM): Lucy (11:13:41 PM): we are going to have an everything is what it's supposed to be moment.
Lucy (11:13:43 PM): i promise.
caffienatidjazz (11:14:02 PM): will my arm be around you?

Lucy (4:16:12 AM): i'd like that.

Lucy (4:16:14 AM): a lot.

Lucy signed off at 4:16:22 AM.

_________________

tomorrow i'm going to explore amphetamines and recording. look forward to the product.

take this and shove it.
first of all, i'd like to say i'm in a bad mood.

my mom was a school nurse. she has no pity. i'm about to pass out or bleed to death via right nostril. exhaustion and insomnia is setting in.

bad mood.

that doesn't prevent any of this from being true.

_________________

nikol (10:12:01 PM): are you confused by black people but afraid to talk about it because you think you will sound racist?

me (10:14:01 PM): i'm not confused. black people piss me off. it'd be a lot easier to not be "racist" if 95% of black people are either ignorant, plain stupid, cocky, or annoying as fuck. i've talked about it. ask lucy.

nikol (10:14:30 PM): :-)

nikol: i know. that is why i asked

nikol: i agree. but its so fucking annoying when i am called racist or something

nikol: because im not. i just state the facts.

nikol: it wouldnt be called a generalization if it were not generally true

nikol (10:15:26 PM): correcto?

me (10:15:33 PM): correcto.

________________

Me (7:21:12 PM): i can't help but be jealous.

Me (7:21:43 PM): i spent all my money on a nice bass rig. $1300. for the band.
will just got a shitload of recording gear.

Rosser (7:21:54 PM): fuck 'em.

Rosser (7:22:02 PM): remember- it's not the brush but the artist.

me (7:23:10 PM): yeah, but my rig is virtually useless. and he has really nice stuff.
i'm picking up my amp and my bass pod and my keyboard from his house tomorrow.

...


me (7:24:58 PM): yeah. will's been using it [my bass pod] for the past 2 months. i lent it to him saying "just borrow it for a while, but if you like it buy it, otherwise i'm selling it". cos i could use the money for a mic. my amp has effects on it and a good amount of tones, and they work on guitar. i've been telling him to bring it in for the past three weeks. i'm just gonna go there tomorrrow and pick up everything.

____________

my stolen phone was found. maybe now i'll be more sociable. though the bitch who took it and made 6 pages worth of phone calls in less than 2 weeks deleted my phonebook.

that's disappointing.

though i guess now i'll realize who'r my real friends. and the necessary people.

the necessities.

it's hard to be so raw. squish squish poke poke.

chuck (7:35:15 PM): yes so im gonna buy a flying v

joy.

for the most part, money = happiness. it's true. don't lie to yourselves.

i could use some money right now.

i'm perfectly supportive of putting my money into circulation as long as i get something totally cool right now.

everyone's making me jealous. ned's so... ned. will just bought everything i need to be working on this project. rosser is rosser.

i'm jealous of ross for not needing me anymore. at all. oh well. it'll pass.

nose bleeds.

the song is almost done. since my roland keyboard is at will's house and kenji has the keyboard we usually use for recording i haven't been able to record the piano parts. and i dont own a mic, so i can't record the vocals.

recording is slow.

next time i'll try amphetamines.

wizzeroo.

Ned(7:42:42 PM): my phone smells like a combination of vinegar and jolly ranchers.....

if only there was a way...

Ned (12:30:50 AM): you know conor, youre not as chubby as you think you are

And the italians cried.
once again, i'm back.

shall i start?

well fuck. where do i begin?

the band is gone. will's self-indulgence and immaturity drugs have blocked the beutiful histimines that i like to call sneezy stuffy dreary mopey slow-motion daydream music.

i've simplified my beliefs: if the music makes you happy, it is fulfilling its role as music.

pretty snazzy, eh? i just made it up.

the main reason the band split was because of frustration. will's his own person, i'll give him that....sometimes.

he relies on other peoples' opinions too much to create his own. he's very narrow-minded. i learned that. i deal with it the only way how. sleep.

by sleeping, i enter a private subconscious free of physical or material (italics:) anything (/i).

it's been more of an escape to me than music has, sadly, until recently.

i'm working with a kid at my school who's very into rap, and appreciates my music for what it is. and it's turning into trip hop.

see: massive attack - better things.

anywho, sessions are slow.

::

______________


will: im gettin a 24bit/96khz soundcard (twice as high as cd, why? because things sound better at a low bitrate when recorded at a high one), aural exciter, DI, crappy roadstar...which sounds and feels awesome...sm57 through a tube mic preamp...o yea, and as of now a J station (cause my parents dont like my midnight recording sessions....when theyre trying to sleep)

me: my recording rig : guitar + bass amp + 80s yammy keyboard + adapter
all into a crappy soundcard into pirated programs :D

me: my input jack on my amp is screwed up and my adapter is fucked up. the recording sessions went something like this:
"you hold this, i'll hold this and nobody move. ok. shit, i have to play dont i. who's gonna click record?"

_______________

it's remarkable.

i worked 8 weeks of my summer away. straight. then went to south carolina with will and dan (a drummer i found after i fired our old drummer. no i'm not a control freak, i'm just frank and assertive. and will doesn't usually take the initiative on these things. i put my ass on the line).

it sucked.

wankers.

the money from work went towards a $1300 bass rig (for the band) and $300 on cds on amazon.com (for myself).

i feel wasted.

spent a week before school started getting drunk by myself everynight.

i think i have a lot more internal issues than i give myself credit for. my mother and her mother are very frank and practical and there's never been time for being fucked up in the head. i'm the only child (not by choice) and i must be *golden*.

oh well. good thing they dont know.

i've spent so much time dealing with will and his "depression" and lisa's "bi-polar(ity?)" that i've never had time for my own emotions.

which is good, because now i have music for myself.

but i can't control myself anymore.

ned: you're a mess

2 days later

ned: you're a mess

the next day

ned: you should get some sleep

soon after

ned: you should go see the nurse.

later that night

rosser: you should really talk to someone.

.


i've never trusted myself with adults. as a kid i would dress up as peter pan. figures.

but ned seems to have this really amazing view on the world, and is able to humble himself to talk to adults, which is more of a maturity thing than a humbling thing, but i have my ways. but then again, he's faulty as well and luckily i can see into a lot of that.

maybe i don't want to.

i've been having a lot of mood swings recently.

my dopamine is stale.

i've been thinking about taking a large dosage of amphetamines before/during my recording sessions. i waste a lot of time between shitty equipment and :: being tired.

Rosser (10:51:26 PM): equpiment of any kind, instruments, recorders, signal carries, are all a means to an end.

Rosser (10:51:51 PM): i've heard stuff on the hissiest tape every that slayed most clean recordings i've ever heard.

Rosser (10:52:02 PM): all tools are merely tools


/////////////////\ rosser is not ross. rosser is more than ross to me (underline) right now (/u).

deep down i really know i'm ok.

"i just need to get happy."

did i mention how much i miss lucy? and nikol? and ross? ross isn't ross anymore. ross is exhausted and i think he realizes that in me as well. it's hard.
it's rough.

all blues.

wow
a lot's been happening. this year has been hectic for everyone.

after the whole depression thing, i had the opportunity to see a good friend of mine, who went to a different school for freshman year.

i brought along ned, he brought his girlfriend and another girl, and we were hangin out in his house.

blah blah blah movie theater ned and nikol (other girl) practically fuck, i get coffee with lucy and ross, whatever.

that night ned and nikol were fooling around and ross fell asleep.

me and lucy fooled around.

blah blah blah.

i told him. because he's my really really close friend. he hates me.

that was about a month ago. i talked to him on aim last night on 'linusthebeatcat'

it was refreshing. he's not so much angry at me anymore, just sort of....disappointed/tired of it?

we both agree lucy verging on crazy.

been listening to a lot of music. my grades went down the shitter last trimester

been writing a lot of music, working on guitar, and polishing my bass skills.

got an upright bass, and a teacher, and i've been learning a lot. it's a good place to go to; music.

right now i'm listening to rilo kiley. i've been told bright eyes, rilo kiley, desaparecidos et. al. are emo.

fuck it. as long as the lyrics are good, the soul is there, and the musicians are real while writing good songs, i could give a rat's ass about "emo"

today i had frees from 11-2, so i hung out with some sophomore friends in the music wing on the computers and watched the new bright eyes video, and listened to the mp3s on saddle-creek.com

fun shit.

school is ending soon.

the band has managed to stay together. we were going to play band bbq at school, then have our guitarist quit (our drummer sucks), but it got rained out.

and now we're playing the rescheduled one, plus a surprise party for anotehr good freind who went to a boarding school for this year. she's comin home for the summer and her mom wants us to play.

i'll do it.

we have a song written about her.

it's called "lisa's song"

.

well i only really came back here because i got an email notification that i got a comment, so thanks for that, LILKANDIKISSIS.

i should vent here more. i've been really bringing down some friends.

i'm such a drag.

though last weekend i went into town. oh yeah, i forgot about this.

i was supposed to meet lucy and nikol and ned in town.

woke up late. got in town by 2:20 and couldn't find anyone, so i called nikol.

hot hot heat - this town.

nikol: hello?
me: hey, it's me, where are you guys?
nikol: lucy drank half a bottle of cough syrup and is in the hospital, i'm at the police station. i dont think we'll be seeing you....yeah.
me: oh. ok. umm....later.

so i walked around town, stressed out, don't really know where the hospital was from there, didn't plan on going by myself

bought a cheeseburger and a coke and sat and ate by myself at chuck's.

walked to the record exchange and bought a cd

john scofield - up all night

they didn't have the new zeppelin dvd or cd in yet.

so then i finally find ned's sister, she tells me she's job hunting and she got in a car crash yesterday, totaled the car.

oh.

yeah, ned's around.

so i finally find ned, tell him what happened, smoke about 5 of his luckies (i don't smoke) and then we went to the ER to see lucy.

saw her, got kicked out.

so blah blah blah

that night we went to a show in new brunswick at a cafe.

rerunfunk.com

good times. smoked some more.

came back to the house and that night got stoned with ned and his sister. wow. it was. awesome. i hadn't gotten stoned in at least a year.

well that was fun.

not much else to say.

been getting by in school. tired. sick again.

whatever.

i'll be back when the next drama happens

cheers!

i've had 2 mental/nervous breakdowns in the past couple weeks. i feel like shit.

caffienatidjazz: ugh i'm having problem
caffienatidjazz: s
Elbies14: what type?
caffienatidjazz: will, my good friend and guitarist and i havebeen in different combinations of the same band (same him, me, drummer) for the last 5 years.

i want to play with other people because john is a dick, has a girlfriend, and isn't getting better on drums. he also cancells a lot of practices or jams at the last minute>
caffienatidjazz: so i tried to jam with dan and will last weekend, and will called me an hour before and cancelled on me because he was in the play and he had 2 shows, all night party
caffienatidjazz: so i was pissed but didn't ask it and called dan and told him maybe another time
caffienatidjazz: i never miss a practice. i mold my schedule around music
caffienatidjazz: and john is not dedicated
caffienatidjazz: but will is an amazing guitarist, and a cool dude
caffienatidjazz: so i cant get a good band together that'll progress
caffienatidjazz: and i need to play with people
caffienatidjazz: i'm having withdrawl
caffienatidjazz: and he still wants to play with john
caffienatidjazz: thats my problem
caffienatidjazz: so will
caffienatidjazz: funkmasterwp: theres just one question thats just been buggin me for some time, im trying to start a fight, but the curiousity is killing me....what do you have against john? because it seems if we jam alot, you love it and such, but as soon as we spend more than 2 weeks apart, you build up this idea that he is pulling us down...just a question, you dont have to answer it if you dont want to.
caffienatidjazz: caffienatidjazz: he's immature.

and i'm probly immature for saying that. but he's not serous, he's not into our music, and he hasn't improved very much.

i just think i, or we (whichever comes first) should jam around. get to know other people and play with other people so we're not restricted to these three people (like we have been for 6 years)
caffienatidjazz: *5
caffienatidjazz: funkmasterwp: ok, but...if you want to say that, you must agree that if were going to jam around, we should compare with john....in other words, saturday jam with friend/ sunday jam with john...etc.
caffienatidjazz: ummm, we've been playing with john for years, we know what he sounds like. if you and him can't make one day a week what makes you think we'd be able to make two
caffienatidjazz: we jam on average, once or twice every 3 weeks
caffienatidjazz: and every time we do jam, if i have to, i put off shit, or i sacrifice sleep. because i love it, and it doesnt happen often.
caffienatidjazz: its just frustrating, and i want to progress, but we can't.
caffienatidjazz: as a band that is
caffienatidjazz: funkmasterwp: and thats cause we go to school....what im saying is...dont be closed minded, dont reject john no matter what, cause beleive it or not, hes not to bad, and what happens if your friend isnt all hes cracked up to be? remember when ross jammed with us? we thought we were good, then john stepped in and blew ross away....we just need comparison, and you cannot blame it on john, cause its THE BANDS fault, we all have problems, and we all work to correct them, i told john to work on his time...hes sat down with a metronome and done that.
funkmasterwp: im asking a favor...not an argument
caffienatidjazz: blah blah blah
caffienatidjazz: caffienatidjazz: well. i guess. all i'm saying is that i want to jam, and i'm ready whenever.

i just want to improve and keep playing with better musicians. and if i cant do that with you for whatever reasons, then i'll look for other people. i want to play with you, but i'm just as frustrated as you
caffienatidjazz: if you want to jam, ill jam. i'm open all the time. i dont have anything to do otherwise.
caffienatidjazz: funkmasterwp: morally, i should go with john, but musically with you.
caffienatidjazz: thats all
caffienatidjazz: thats my story
Elbies14: those are real problems
caffienatidjazz: i had to spill it to someone
Elbies14: you should do both though
Elbies14: i have friends who are irresponsible as hell
Elbies14: i hate it so much
caffienatidjazz: both what
caffienatidjazz: i cant jam with dan cos i dont have a guitarist
caffienatidjazz: and i cant jam with will because i dont have a drummer

caffienatidjazz: get your stupid fucking rope
caffienatidjazz: ok fullscreen time
caffienatidjazz: bye
funkmasterwp: hiaha!
funkmasterwp: its making funny noises
funkmasterwp: and irritating you!
funkmasterwp: serves you right for having trillian on, while watching a movie
funkmasterwp: muahahahahahaha
funkmasterwp: its really irritating isnt it?
funkmasterwp: ahahahahah!
funkmasterwp: vengence is mine!
funkmasterwp: and you shall be the victim! muahahahhaha!
funkmasterwp: take that and your movie watching!
funkmasterwp: i bet you like that its making many many beeping noises while enjoying your movie
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: bring!
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: generic instant message noise
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: your going to cave in eventually
funkmasterwp: i know you ware
funkmasterwp: its gettting really annoying isnt it?
funkmasterwp: your not going to be able to take it.
funkmasterwp: man, i could go on for ours.
funkmasterwp: bla bla bla
funkmasterwp: bla
funkmasterwp: of the blaness
funkmasterwp: so this one time, i was IMing you,
funkmasterwp: while you were watching a movie.
funkmasterwp: comon! arent you a little pissed?
funkmasterwp: its making lots of noise
funkmasterwp: and hters nothing you can do about it!
funkmasterwp: muahahahah!
funkmasterwp: the world will be mine!
funkmasterwp: or at least your temper,
funkmasterwp: conor, if that is your real name!
funkmasterwp: doo doo doo do, doo do doo doo!
funkmasterwp: dance to the beeps that the IM machine is bringing you!
funkmasterwp: does this not bring you anger?
funkmasterwp: i know your going to go into a flamng rage any minute
funkmasterwp: or your not, just to prove me wrong.
funkmasterwp: bbepp
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: bepp
funkmasterwp: how do you like that?
funkmasterwp: ahahah! its going on forever
funkmasterwp: and you cant stop it!
funkmasterwp: take that petty fool!
funkmasterwp: beepity beep bepp
funkmasterwp: ahahahahah!
funkmasterwp: alsldlsldkdks - in russian, that means "beep"
funkmasterwp: look, im a fax machine....brrrrrrrrrrrr!
funkmasterwp: look! im a IM box....and i make BEEPING noises
funkmasterwp: how long can you take it?
funkmasterwp: heheh, i just said " how long can you take it!"
funkmasterwp: thats when you answer
funkmasterwp: "o about 8 inches."
funkmasterwp: take that!
funkmasterwp: ahayaha!
funkmasterwp: not enjoying your movie are you?
funkmasterwp: cause this beeping is getting to you!
funkmasterwp: i mean you could end it all by signing off, or puttin on your away message.
funkmasterwp: but .nnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooo
funkmasterwp: youhave to watch your movie,
funkmasterwp: so beepity beepity beepity
funkmasterwp: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
funkmasterwp: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
funkmasterwp: im the beepinator!
funkmasterwp: prepare to be beeped,
funkmasterwp: to the death!
funkmasterwp: beepity peeity
funkmasterwp: so i was beeping, a
funkmasterwp: doggi!
funkmasterwp: bbeeepp
funkmasterwp: beeep
funkmasterwp: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
funkmasterwp: thats what i call hardcore beepage.
funkmasterwp: this is getting irritating...no?
funkmasterwp: im sure it is......
funkmasterwp: comon fool!
funkmasterwp: cant take a little beeping?
funkmasterwp: thats what i thought,
funkmasterwp: so why dont you beep, on down the street...while you watch your precious movie......
funkmasterwp: which is being inturupted by all this beeping.
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: beep
funkmasterwp: wow, ive gone through 4 new radical songs, while typing to you!
funkmasterwp: fun!
funkmasterwp: lets do 4 more!
funkmasterwp: beepp!
funkmasterwp: beep!
funkmasterwp: beep!
funkmasterwp: of the beepity beep beeps~!
funkmasterwp: yeah, you like that dont ya?
funkmasterwp: im sure you do, mr.i gotta watch my movie
funkmasterwp: does this not irritate you!\
funkmasterwp: im quite confident that it does,
funkmasterwp: so take that petty fool!
funkmasterwp: you think you can outlast the bbeepp master!
funkmasterwp: beepppppppppppp
funkmasterwp: of the beep beeps
funkmasterwp: of all kind of beeping, which your IMing client does
funkmasterwp: ooo
funkmasterwp: its time for a different noise
funkmasterwp: what sound does a telephone make?
funkmasterwp: o i know
funkmasterwp: riiiiiiiiing'
funkmasterwp: riiiiiiiiing
funkmasterwp: riiiiiiiiiiiiing
funkmasterwp: ring ring
funkmasterwp: then the answering machine chimes in
funkmasterwp: "this is baggins - im on my way to mordor, leave a message, ill either return it, or be smoldering in the firey pits of evil"
funkmasterwp: riiiiiiing
funkmasterwp: riiiiiiiing
funkmasterwp: riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing
funkmasterwp: i call again
funkmasterwp: again the answering machine.
funkmasterwp: ""this is baggins - im on my way to mordor, leave a message, ill either return it, or be smoldering in the firey pits of evil"
funkmasterwp: so i leave you a message
funkmasterwp: "hello frodo, why dont you just pawn off the ring, let some other sucker deal with your problem....you wacky hobbit"
funkmasterwp: and then i call again,
funkmasterwp: cause i forgot to say something on the answering machine.
funkmasterwp: riiiiiiiing
funkmasterwp: riiiiiiiiiing
funkmasterwp: rinng
funkmasterwp: ring ring
funkmasterwp: "this is baggins - im on my way to mordor, leave a message, ill either return it, or be smoldering in the firey pits of evil"
caffienatidjazz: what the hell are you talking about
funkmasterwp: and so i reply
funkmasterwp: YES!
funkmasterwp: you cracked!
caffienatidjazz: i have im on mute dumbass
caffienatidjazz: i never have any noises
funkmasterwp: read it all.....its an ADD rant!

What I've said to other people tonight
caffienatidjazz: Rishi writes:
"how dare you put stupid AND football together!

Rishi Paddle {'-'}"

how dare you contradict yourself by putting stupid and football in the same sentance once again.

how dare you question ian's opinion on a sport which is (in my opinion) taken way too seriously

how dare you call yourself a paddle when all you are is a mere patel.

shame.
__________________

To Ian:

i think that football superseed (word?)s your birthday in every sence. you are a feeble little ian wheras football is a national crazy followed by low-life and high-life dedicated face-painted team-following ticket-buying fans. face it, ian. no one is going to buy tickets to your laser-tag birthday party.

as far as the government being involved, i think if bush specifically had anything whatsoever to do with football, then no one wouldve dared messed with texas.

but bush always wanted to be a baseball club owner.

baseball is cool, but now he's controlling our nation's future with remote controll airplanes, remote controll bombs and pissing off everyone he possibly can in his arrogance and ignorance and brainwashing of his half-assed (the half-assed being the south, and texas) citizens who boost his popularity poll (how cute) to 56%

ian, you're worthless when it comes to politics.

go back to buying peoples' souls. (p.s. you still owe me $5)

_________________

Originally posted by jones :

"I dont hate you or britpop
just wanted to say it
Found it humours, myself. "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



humours....

your statement is weaving through my body like an ill-fated stream of consciousness.

i must drain my humours at once and feed them too the doctor

who also happens to be my barber

a little off the sides, doc

thank you and your welcome, witha british accent before a warning sign

and the italians cried.

My Last Meal
whipped potatoes with butter and salt, two strips of bacon, one egg on an english muffin with cheese and a liter of coke.

eh?


"i'm gonna buy this place and start a fire. stand here until i fill all your hearts desires. cos i'm gonna buy this place and watch it burn and do to it all the things it did to you in return./ i'm going to buy a gun and start a war. If you can tell me worth fighting for. and i'm gonna buy this place is what i say. blame it upon a rush of blood to the head"

will: i call my sonnet "fuck you god"
will: you may not know it, but he had it comin

IAN
strange kid.

"what would you say if I was hitler incarnated and he was the devil incarnated?The band should be called the Legionaires or Legion54, choose one"

today's mlk day. we had off. well, now it's the day after mlk day. it's 12:32 am and i'm dreading going back to school

i wrote a poem the other day. it's already put to music. the songwriting process is getting so much easier and everyone is getting involved in a more complicated, beautiful result.

here are the lyrics. there are verses left out still in my notebook.


she's a french mona lisa
took a dip in the shade
drank a cup of tea with me
one sip, she's got it made

sat back, dusk blue beanbag
cat fish lips just gawking
cross-legged smirking
as she lights a cigarette

Kick the Sandman in his Sack; stay up late, insomniac!
"We all went potty on Dylan"

-John Lennon



i went out with my dad today. we talked a lot as we drove. first we went to get a haircut, then my grandmas (who's inchin on 80) and then, after hearin that practice was cancelled, went to see my cousin and then to trenton to get a rossi burger.

i dont' have much in common with my dad, but some how he related all his knoweledge into a conversation that has to do with a topic so foreign to him. well anyway, we talked about what i want to do with my life. he proposed the idea of majoring in music. Now of course, "music" doesn't get you too far in life. i guess you could be a teacher, but then i pondered all the other ways to make it in the biz. producing (something i would love), and all the other on the edge stuff.

i wanted to work on journalism but my english teacher refusees to give me above a C+. lil bitch. it gets discouraging. i'm def gonna see my old english teacher and talk with him (a guy i really respect).

there's so many ways to make it. but you have to have money and contacts. that what i've concluded. i'm just a freshman in high school. i don't know what the hell i'm gonna do with my life.

Sea-men
let me recreate a scene at the lunch table not too long ago. enjoy.

conor: ahhh! ned's eating a table-doughnut!!
sara: eew....how dyou know what's on that
will: that could be like....sea-men. hahah get it!??!

*blank stares*

jacob: do you even know what semen tastes like, ned?
ned: well, i know what it smells like. and this isn't it
jacob: so what's semen smell like, NED??
ned: my sock.

Lewis Black is a Troubled Man
RossdBoss5: urgh i hhate iraq
caffienatidjazz: ?
RossdBoss5: couldn't they have done a better job of hiding the weapons
RossdBoss5: they gave b
RossdBoss5: ush
RossdBoss5: and reason to go to war
caffienatidjazz: we dont even know if they have bio weapons. then north korea's like :"hey dude, fuck you. we want attention, we got some big fucking bombs" then we're like "well we're not talking to you until you give up all your power to thye u.s." then they're like "no, fuck off" then we're like "well...we'll talk to you....but we wont negotiate with you.....but shut up so we can bomb iraq"
RossdBoss5: hehe
RossdBoss5: i know
RossdBoss5: i wanna shoot north korea
RossdBoss5: i hate koreans
RossdBoss5: from the north atleast
RossdBoss5: the south is really cool, the kids from sout korea are hilarious
RossdBoss5: i say we get china and Japan and gang bang N lorea
RossdBoss5: korea
caffienatidjazz: hehhehehehehhehehehhe

Revival
well i haven't been here in a while. i'm glad i'm back. gives me a perfect outlet. friends aren't enough, and i don't have anything that i just just open up and talk to, and know they're actually caring. i think i need a girlfriend. but life is so good right now as it is, i dont know why i'm always wanting more. i'm never content. the band got back together in order to open for our guitarist's brother's band Troy (troyrock.com). we kicked ass. our drummer dropped his sticks in the first tune, but we played on. no confidence. i was stiff as a board.

well we took a lil hiatus cos intense playing and practicing for that one goal was emotionally draining.

but now we're back together, about a month later and we were tighter than ever. we'v been practicing without our violin player (just drum, bass, guitar). it's been amazing and i remembered how much i loved playing with other people, and how much i take it for granted. i still do.

the band is on the rise. we're gonna record a demo, and start gigging as soon as we have 15 songs (a goal for us by mid-summer; the demo and gigging and 15 songs).

i still need a girl. our drummer has a girl and i'm so jealous. but theres really only two girls in my life that i love. and i dont know if it's real or not, or friendly or sexual, but i love them.

they're both at opposite ends of the u.s. from me. but i'll see them.

the one in cali was my first real kiss in 6th grade, and then we grew interests together and got to be great friends.

the other i met over the summer. she's beautiful. and she's smart, and sexy, and she has the coolest personality. but i'm so not for her. i'm just gonna be her cute lil freshman. i mean, she respects me and everything and puts herself on this level a lot, but i mean. she's far away and she's better than me.

i really need someone just to listen to me talk and love me for whatever i say. this is all i got right now.

/rant over.