:: 2004 29 May :: 12.16 am
:: Mood: :-D

:-D
today was most definitely a good day...! i cant even think straight....


:-D

light a fire

:: 2004 24 May :: 11.49 pm
:: Mood: stressed

Its always good when you can feel your stress level skyrocketing....
I DESPISE AOL. I had about a page written and aol kicked me off before i could finish and update this....argh!!!!!

alright lets start from scratch....

Ok, today was one of those days that will be funny when Im 30 but for now id prefer to curl up in a ball and die. Ben came over and noone was home, that is, until my dad came home early......i suppose it could have been much worse though. All that happened was he walked in and realized my pants were not buttoned.....and told me to button them. He was really very good in the parental department. He didnt spaz out or yell at me or yell at Ben or threaten to kill me (or ben) or even try to ground me or prevent me from seeing ben. He started into this convo that involved him talking about one time HE got caught....but i want to block that from my mind as soon as possible. And hes not telling my mom, which is perfectly ok with me.....so not too bad. But youre father walking in on you, no matter how severe the charge, is still mortifying.

Ah......its getting increasingly harder not to have sex with Ben. Allix keeps telling me to just get birth control and do it...but I dont want it like that. I want it to be spontaneous, but i dont want it to be pure horniness behind it all. There's time for that later.

I always planned on waiting at least a year no matter WHO i was with before i had sex with them. A year to get to know each other, to learn about each other, to make sure that we could last. .......but is it right to put timelines on things like that???

I just dont want anything to be a mistake....i never want to make a mistake with ben....im kind of shooting in the dark with everything i do, and so far i havent really hit the bullseye and a few times ive missed the target entirely......but i want ben to be happy...i want US to be happy....so im trying....

Gah....this is so much i dont want to really face.....i wish every so often that i was 10 again and that i didnt have any of this stuff to worry about. But then again...if i was 10, i wouldnt know what it feels like to be so completely in love with someone that it makes you cry....not sad crying or anything but just crying....who knows why....maybe theyre tears of joy...or disbelief....or confusion....or all three... :-)

And i REALLY dont think it would be good to make love to him within say the next few weeks, what with the whole situation this morning with my father.....that would just be stupid. I'd love to say, 'well we'll just tone things down for awhile', but i KNOW we won't. Once you've done something, you're more inclined to do it again. Habit. So i guess maybe we ARE a habit already???? We fool around all the time.....we can never even sit through a whole movie without messing around unless we're at a theater. But we still play. I can't find a middle ground. It's not too much fun. I give up.

However, there is one bright side.... If we manage to stay together for a good long time, maybe have a few kids.....we're gonna have some excellent stories to tell!!!! :D

light a fire

:: 2004 23 May :: 12.16 pm
:: Mood: indescribable

distressed but happy....
Yesterday was interesting......TGIS...thank god its summer....got to go shopping and get a bunch of new clothes.... :D there are two sets of baby kittens, a pregnant dog, and two pregnant cats at my house...AAAAAAHHHHHHHH too many animals!!!! heeheehee

Its Sunday and i have nothing to do....allalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala...... Pool training should start tomorrow....hopefully....if they managed to get the pool clean. And of course it cant be storming like it has been.....a bunch of fried lifeguards are worthless. ;D

Went by Ben's last night.....that was hot. Damn. Actually it was dangerously hot. As in we almost had sex without any protection.....argh. I wanted it soooo bad, and so did he, and me getting on the pill sometime soon would be a very good idea...

But I'm afraid that if we do start having sex (or making love or fucking depending on whats up), that we won't stop.....that we'll turn into joe and allix, kath and trav, or dan and kim........a habit. I don't ever want to do that....especially if he's moving, because even if its only 20 minutes or so away, i'll be there as much as possible..which will end up meaning no sleep, too tired for work, and once school starts, my homework would inevitably never get done.

But damn, it would be good....damn damn damn damn.....i dont know what to do now.

We're still playing, which is a major plus. Like after an hour or so of hot stuff last night, we joked around and tickled each other (well more like he pinned me down and tickled me), and had fun. So at least there's that.....we're not making out every second we're together....i like that. Alot. I want to talk to him about all of this....but im afraid ill choke up and ignore it like i usually do....meow....grr on me....

Oh well. I dont want to make this so serious that if we do decide to do it, its not any fun. I want my first time to be romantic and slow and hot and fun.....not all hurried and stressed and worried......first time around i want to make love to him...not fuck his brains out.... :D

plus....i dont think anything could beat our foreplay ;D especially the games and laughing and overly stupid stuff that make it really fun....horribly weird and funny, but alot of fun....hot. :D

light a fire

:: 2004 21 May :: 11.54 pm

:-)
woohoo....ben finally got road-head!!!! heehee...i was feeling adventurous.. :D

School's out for the summer!!! YAY And Ben's probably moving to Belvidere and not Cali!! And...thats all ive got i suppose...

Marching music absolutely rocks. Its wicked tricky....all sorts of crazy accidentals. But it sounds really cool already. I got a copy of our Superstate performance, and its nearly flawless. We're even better than i thought! Ok, thats really conceited. Sorry.

Went by Kim's tonight with dan and ben. We were gonna go mini golfing and then out to Pizza Hut, but it was storming madstyle, so we stayed in, ordered Domino's, and played video games...it was alot of fun.

Hehehe, when we were leaving, I refused to get off the couch, so Ben picked me up and put me over his shoulder to take me to the door. It was awesome. Cute with a sweet tint of hotness. Probably helped lead to the road-head idea. Of course, his fingers massaging their way across my chest helped a bit as well.

Pool season starts in like 2 weeks!!! Same with Florida!!! yay!!! I can't wait. However, pool season could be delayed because kathy wasnt thinking and didnt add the chemicals until after the pool was full. So basically our pool is a big green lake. Im sure it will be full of children.......right....

Florida is going to be awesome, except the marching in Disney World is bittersweet. The opportunity rocks, however, we have to march in our uniforms, which make you sweat like mad even in October when theres a high of 60.......we're going to be dripping.....I've been told not to put toenail polish on my toes (by kids who marched it before) because it melts off your toes onto your socks......ewwwwwwwww.........

k, im outta here, dont really feel like writing......want to go to sleep with ben....meow....i actually get to sleep in tomorrow!!!! YAY!!!!

:D

light a fire

:: 2004 21 May :: 12.13 am

purrrrr i can barely stand.... :D today was me and benji's 5 month anniversary! To some people, that may seem like a short time, and it even seems kinda short to me, but i consider it good...

We went and saw Shrek 2. That movie is hysterical....but do not let small children go see it....well then again i suppose its ok because they wouldnt understand why its strange for pinocchio to wear pink thongs......

and i swear, right before shrek lands on the puppy, the puppy pees!

Ben may move to Belvidere instead...!!!!! That would be so awesome! It would still be kind of far and i wouldnt get to see him as much, but half an hour is better than 30! alot better! I hope Mike is ok with it though if thats what Ben decides.

ok, my brain is mush........need sleep....actually id love to cuddle up with ben and go to sleep...... :-\ but i cant....yet

meow...night night :)

light a fire

:: 2004 18 May :: 5.47 pm

i think ben might be getting slightly upset with me telling him he's going. I dont blame him. Id want to kick me. I guess im just helping myself. If i tell myself and him and everyone else who i talk to (allix and so on), that IF he goes, it wont hit me as hard. Ill be used to the idea. And if he DOESN'T go, then i can be joyously happy. On the other hand, if i give myself this fairytale image of "he's not going, it just won't happen", then IF he goes, I'll be crushed. It would hit me like a wall. If he didnt go, id be like "oh, well i knew it" and i wouldn't appreciate it at all. So i can see where hes coming from, but i can also see where im coming from. I have a headache

I finally started up my Nintendo that i got for my birthday!!! Mario is fricken HARD!!! I can't even get past the second level!!!! argh....time to whip out the easy sweetness of the N64 and Glover! Actually i think i may go out and get one of those games similar to final fantasy....one with a story and people, not gloves.... it would be something to do this summer when im too tired to get out of bed... :D im too lazy for my own good.

Im goin out to eat with my aunt and uncle tonight. Theyre up from florida on their way to minnesota at their other house. Theyre wicked rich.....but theyre awesome. Not all snooty or anything. So itll be a good time. Alright i need a nap or something......my head is killing me.... meow....

light a fire

:: 2004 17 May :: 10.47 pm
:: Mood: tears

I think ben is going to cali. It hasnt really hit me yet though. The fact that my life is picking itself up into a whirlwind is not even fazing me. I cant even imagine months without him. I've seen him almost every day for what...2 years....give or take a month when we were barely talking because of things going weird. And I honestly believe he's leaving. I can hear it in his voice....he wants this and his heart is set on going. I think part of him may be trying to convince himself not to go because of me, but the other side is winning.

I suppose I've been living a fairytale for a few months. I thought that life was going to be all hunky-dory and happy this summer and next year and the year after that. I keep forgetting about that every constant bastard, time. Things are always changing and I can barely keep up. I guess its time for me to really grow up, and fast. I've always believed in the "if you love something let it go" phrase and now i have to live it up.

I really dont know what im going to do. This could possibly break me, and that scares me. And it scares me that this could break us apart. I have to be logical. He will a million miles away surrounded by a bunch of women wearing strings for clothes. Not that he's disloyal, but come on, thats gonna be quite the temptation.

He's quickly become one of my best friends. I tell him pretty much everything. I can laugh and be completely stupid around him. I can tackle him and be tackled and joke with him. He's showed me so much, and hes helped me to grow, an incredible amount.

So what am i going to do? Even in writing i feel like im going in circles. We're talking about it, but not really. More like we touch on it and then we run from it. Im scared to think of him leaving and i think hes scared to admit he wants to go.

Ok, this is getting me nowhere. There are way TOO many thoughts running around in my head, and theyre coming out in choppy chunks that make no sense.

I passed my lifeguard test. 100% actually!! woohoo, go me! However the downside is that half the class failed, new and old. I think Kathy's firing anyone who failed this year. She was mighty pissed. So this means i get to work like 50 hours a week. Which means more money......and (if ben leaves) alot more time where i wont be free to think. Thinking is bad for you. It makes you sad.

I give up......im just unconceivably sad right now....and i can't cry.....its like the tears are drowning me....but i feel numb.....i think ive taken a huge dose of emotional novocaine.....i feel detached.....and i cant cry

light a fire

:: 2004 13 May :: 10.54 pm
:: Mood: tears

Ben might be movin to california. I encouraged him to go. It was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. I had to tell him that I if he wanted to go, he should go. That he shouldn't not go just because Im here. I want him to be happy. Thats all I've ever wanted, even before I fell in love with him. All I wanted to do was break down and cry and beg him not to go. Ever. I dont ever want to lose him, not for anything. I love him SO much. Him moving some thousand odd miles away would be hard. It would be difficult to keep things together, to stay together. A test to whip all tests. But if it would make him better to get away from here for awhile (forever??), then I want him to go. I just want him to always be smiling and never be faking. So i have to smile and be strong. If I show any weakness at all, he won't go......and i dont want to hold him back. Relationships are all always tested....if you ace the test, you win.

"When there is great love, there are always miracles."

light a fire

:: 2004 11 May :: 10.24 pm
:: Mood: bored

blah
8 days of school left....however i still have to be at school for some amount of time the 21st and 24th. argh. Oh well. lifeguarding is kicking into high gear starting this weekend.....testing!!!! and i havent prepared at all!

I've been the quite the little bastard(ess) with ben lately. I love all the little things, the PLAYING, and im the one who stopped doing it. I dont know whats wrong with me.....i missed it but i was the cause of it! Ive been crazily upset with life in general lately. I feel like im not succeeding at all, which, although stuck up, is not right for me........ My grades are going downhill, i get shit parts in band, i absolutely suck at band, im the cause of less play with me and ben, and i could go on some more, but i complain too much to begin with.

Its amazing how easy it is to go right back to lying to people's faces. Not that i necessarily like it. I can even lie to Allix fairly easily. Ben isnt so easy to get past.

I dont really know whats wrong with me. I just feel depressed. Not suicidal-depressed though. I actually think im past that completely. I cant even think about killing myself anymore. I just dont want to. Im just really sad at some parts of my life. Theyre kind of upsetting and I dont know how to change them. Now dont go thinking that im all crazily sad and crying. Its not like that. Its more of an inner thing, that leaves me easily frustrated and contemplative.

And not that everything is bad either. Im actually happy with alot of things which is what i think is bugging me so much. Im not used to being both happy and sad. Its like my rollercoaster is stuck upside down. I set really high expectations for myself. Unreachably high. And when i dont reach them, i beat myself up repeatedly and damnedly for it. I dont handle failure too well. I know there will always be people ahead of me. What angers me the most is the people who dont try, AT ALL, who manage to skate past me.

Im lazy in some ways. For instance, right now, i could be getting ahead in Chem. But instead im typing. So i guess all of my frustration and sadness is a self-induced pain.

ok, enough of this psychological attack on my battered mind. I cant wait to be guarding again. I love it. Its my summer savior. And school is almost over. So close i can taste it. And the Florida trip is coming up in like 3 weeks. That will be absolutely AWESOME!!. Cocoa Beach and Disney World and Epcot and Islands of Adventure! Its gonna rock.

And then there's Ben, who deserves pages upon pages of words, but for as much as i think about him and talk to him in my head, only about 1/1000 of it makes its way out of my head and onto paper or computer. I think up all of this stuff, yet when i try to write it down, it just disappears. So he can never fully understand how much i love him because im retarded and cannot use the English language to my benefit.

Speaking of Ben, i had so much fun on......Monday (?) yea monday....
I took him a milkshake becasue im crazy and i do that, and we ended up getting into this crazy tickle fight in his living room. I must have banged my head at least 5 times on various objects, leading to a mild concussion (not really), but it was so awesome, i couldnt even feel any pain. It was sweet and fun and all the play id been missing for weeks. When i kissed him before i left, there was even that amazing little spark.....you know that spark......the one you get when you kiss someone youre madly in love with for the first time.....the one that says....yup, i am right where i want to be, right where i belong......i got it again. Its supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Not twice. Ive been walking on clouds since then, which accounts for the happy part of my happy/sad dilemna. i love to play.....its so childlike and perfect. Sure sex in a thunderstorm would be incredibly hot, but theres always time for that.....and there should ALWAYS be time for play.

Oh yea, by the way Superstate absolutely ROCKED!!!! playing in foellinger hall was astounding....the sound echoed!!!! it was incredible. Hopefully next year we'll be chosen as honor band.....that would be heaven on earth. Winning as a senior!

Ahhhhh the simple stupid joys of life.......tickle fighting with someone until you cant breathe and band.

I never leave at night feeling sad.....always end your day on a happy note, even if its in writing. :D

light a fire

:: 2004 9 May :: 10.50 pm
:: Mood: content

i hate my father and i love ben to pieces.....id write more but my dad is an asshole........

light a fire

:: 2004 8 May :: 2.38 am
:: Mood: tired

superstate!!1
woohoo!! just got home from illinois superstate band competition. It was awesome.....i didnt so much approve of the 4 hour bus drive, but the performance at Krannert center rocked!!! We didnt win either, but that HONESTLY doesnt matter. It was our best performance yet and we can still grow and become even better. k, too tired to mention anything else......2 AM blows........
~me

light a fire

:: 2004 4 May :: 10.40 pm
:: Mood: calm

i want to touch the clouds
wheeeee....

Im doing this thing where you write 100 questions...about anything....completely random..just questions you have.. from 'why is the sky blue?' to 'is ben IN love with me?' to 'do we have destinies?' Just literally anything. Its tricky but really interesting. Fun times.

Alright, so I should probably spend that time doing homework instead, but school's almost over, so i think ill live. 13 days left. or something like that. There's still a bunch to do and fricken Traven scheduled a test on the LAST day. That blows. Im definitely not gonna wanna do it. But Chem is done after next week, and so is Humanities. Pre-Calc is ssdd, History is crap now that ms. Gibbons is gone, and physics isn't worth any extra breath. So life is doin pretty good.

I tried quitting track. Yea, thats right, I TRIED. I wasn't allowed to. It even got the principal involved! But hes a cool guy so it wasnt too bad. Hes funny and realistic.

College pressure is starting already. Im crazily confused again. I really really want to go to NMU, but they dont have a marine biology major or minor (ever since going to the Shedd i've been convinced i need to work with water animals a bit), plus its 6 hours away from the man im in love with. Damn it all. However, there is a water science major and minor and i can come home every so often. I dont really know what im doing.

Kath is talkin to me all the time again. She's already back out in the 'dating world'. Its been 3 days. after 2 years with travis. im mightily confused. Plus shes still having sex with him. Thats not cool. At all. Yet another reason not to have sex. I've got a bunch of pros and cons to it actually

Pros - well, those are easier to think of than to say.....so i guess i have more cons than pros...
Cons - specific examples: Kath and Travis, where it became a habit that they can't break even though they broke up!!!, Allix and Joe, where they both want it so bad that they dont think of the complications and repercussions.... you have to worry about birth control, which i do anyway; theres always a chance that the guy wont have any fun..yea wouldnt THAT suck...im so negative...enough of this..

Im sick of being negative and weak...I think i need to go back into my shell. Im way too trusting and talkative now. Its made me weaker. Everyone knows me better and they know how to break me. That absolutely terrifies me. I like being completely unbreakable even if it means i seem distant and isolated. Much easier than being a crybaby. And i complain too much.

And i hate being talkative when noone else is. Its frustrating...i could write or talk for days but noone else seems to care, so they dont talk which makes things boring. Yet another reason to keep my mouth shut again. Damn, Ive been way too open lately. I dont really like it. Too much trust being let out.

I think i may go on birth control. Me and Ben aren't having sex, and we don't plan on it, even if i do go on birth control, but theres always the chance of an accident and this way we wouldnt have to worry so much. There'd be alot less stress on both ends. I wouldnt be so fricken crazed and i could sit back and REALLY enjoy myself.

I wish I could stop time occasionally. It would be really nice. Rewinding it would be great too. I could take back things I said that got me in trouble, relive enjoyable moments, and watch everything go by in slow motion. It would be cool. But unfortunately time is a relentless pain in my ass, always keeping two steps ahead of me.

Hey wow, I have mentioned Ben every other sentence in here. Probably cause there too much other stuff flying around in my head. I blame the 100 questions. I think i got him sick though. I certainly hope not. I wish I was better at video games.

I want a play day....a cuddle day...one whole day to chill out and play glover (yea thats right glover), watch movies, and tickle (well try to) the hell out of ben. Just for kicks. But theres never enough time. And im always out of control. argh........

heres to the night
~me

1 flame | light a fire

:: 2004 3 May :: 12.01 am
:: Mood: artistic

mrow
artistic is a fun mood....im not artistic persay.....not in the least, but its fun to say youre in an artistic mood...

im feelin reall awake and happy right now...why im not really sure, but its good, and therefore it works....maybe it will carry through the rest of the year and i will the happiest camper out there...or maybe i just need sleep.

Im still wicked sick but i cant miss anymore school or else i have to take finals, which i have NO intention of doing...so to my friends, when you become ill, im sorry in advance. Forgive my selfish longing to finish school 5 days early with no tests..!!

Went and saw the movie "mean girls" today....it was ok, but it was kinda sick as well. Very predictable, and it showed me just how 'plastic' over 80% of my class is. Ahhhh i hate being a junior. My class is full of potheads and sluts. I fit nowhere, but thats okay, because id rather be nowhere than be friends with some of them.

Eeeeeewwwwwwww.......joseph went down allix's pants while i was in the same room!! wtf! damn them....have they no decency?? there have to be some lines that cant be crossed!! argh. im quite afraid he is about to be corrupted again, and she will lead him. or maybe its the other way around, or maybe theyre both just sick. Maybe im overreacting. who knows.

I was a crotchety bitch today to ben and joe in the car. Mixture of pain and sickness and tiredness and everything. I even cried.....argh on me. I can be such a baby sometimes....im only human. But ben was all sweet about it and got me to smile....he always does.....its not fair. :-)

Alright ive gotta finish writin my paper....night

light a fire

:: 2004 2 May :: 12.13 am
:: Mood: sleepy

sore.....but good
im too tired to be writing and my head is absolutely awful right now, but oh well. Ill just sound weird and people will think im insane. Just wanted to mention a simple and profound thing ben did tonight.....
we were on the bed, relaxing after a bit of fooling around and he took my hand and put it over his heart. He asked me if i could feel it.......and when i said yes, he told me id always have it.
being me, i got all teary-eyed and sappy, but it was one of those amazingly sweet unexpected things and i could barely believe it. I never want to forget it, not in a 'im gonna hold you to that' kind of way, but a 'you will always have my heart as well' way.
k, falling asleep as i type.....goodnight

light a fire

:: 2004 1 May :: 12.09 am
:: Mood: sick

I think Im getting sick....my throat hurts like mad and my head feels like a mushy watermelon.....yummy. You know your tonsils are swollen when you cant swallow the sudafed pills...... :-(
so......Allix and Joe are back together....yippee. I suppose I'm happy but its only one day into it and im gagging already. There was a FarFetched concert tonight (check them out at farfetchedband.com!!!!) and me and Al went together and met Joe there. She hops in his lap right away and over the course of an hour, things proceed to them licking and biting each others ears right next to me...as well as making out. Finally they just went out to Joe's car to "talk".....argh.
It pissed me off and made me sad at the same time....and understanding. Pissed because things are already just the same as they were last time, sad because I really missed Ben (not that I wanted to do any of that, but more that i wanted to just sit down and hug him for a good long while) and understanding because now I understand why Ben doesn't really like PDA. Not that I'd ever want to do anything like that in public (its grotesque...please dont....biting of the ears is for privacy only) but I just get it now. I didnt feel like I could even talk to them because they were so caught up in each other.....I never want to do that to anyone. So kudos to my sweetheart for being brilliant and giving me time to see it all for myself.
And speaking of Ben, he's been in a funk for the last two days or so....well at least i hope thats all it is. He gets really quiet when he's upset, which i understand (i do it to a degree too), but the look in his eyes....i'd do anything to make it go away....its so........indescribable...makes me wanna cry and just make him happy again.
Oh, I suppose I should mention Prom.....duh! It was AWESOME....so amazing i dont really even care if i dont go to my senior prom next year! It was perfect. Ben looked absolutely hot and I had so much fun with him i can barely believe it. Saturday night, of course, Prom, and then afterwards, we slept over at Joe's. Me and Ben got to sleep together (not sexually sleep together, but fall asleep in each others arms). That was amazing. Of course there was a little fooling around (come on, its prom night and youre in the same bed as your boyfriend.....youd have to be a corpse to not have even the tiniest bit of teasing and such)... however, in our case, Joe walked in on one bit, and apparently we kept our friend Bryan awake early sunday morning.....hehehe....im never gonna live it down. Sunday, me and Ben, Kristen and James, Joe and Katie, and Dan and Kim went to Chicago and the Shedd Aquarium. That was fun, but we were all too tired to have a whole bunch of fun. Ben held my hand.......i know he doesnt like it too much...i just want him to be comfortable with it....i never really want to push him...that wouldnt be fair at all. So anyway, last weekend was amazing and i dont think it could have been any better.....waking up in bens arms sunday morning was heaven on earth.
Kathleen and Travis broke up this week. Im hoping Kath can get away from him. She was completely under his spell. She stopped existing except for him. I didnt talk to her for about a year because she was so completely overtaken by him. I never want that to happen between me and Ben....i think we're doing good too. Relationships and friendships dont have to be in two separate worlds. Kath's really weak right now because she left all of her friends for him and now hes gone. Shes already wanting to crawl back and beg him to take her back....i hope she doesnt.
I have four best friends....I know this is completely out of nowhere, but with the concert tonight everyone was fighting over this subject indirectly and I didnt like it. I cant choose one best friend. Allix is the one Ill probably always talk to no matter what, just because its how we are. I can talk to her about almost anything but sometimes she blows the most important things I say off as nothing. Kristen and me have a weird relationship because we dont talk too much about crazily important stuff. But we can almost always count on each other. Joseph....god Ive been friends with him for 8 years...since 4th grade. I could tell him ANYTHING and know that I would get a truthful response....the only problem is I think sometimes he forgets Im a girl and other times he remembers a bit TOO much that Im a girl. But I love him....i always will....its a much different love than it used to be, but hes important.....we've been through a lot and hes pulled through for me at times when i needed him the most. and then, last but never ever least, is ben, who's my "newest" best friend. Not everyone considers their boyfriend/girlfriend one of their closest friend. But me and Ben were friends before anything happened between us and I hope that will always be there. He knows basically everything about me, even though its been painful to tell him. Its good to be straight with him. Id never want to lie to him. Staying friends with him even though Im in love with him is important. Now yea, you may be thinking, well if you're in love with him how could you NOT be friends? I've seen so many people lose that sense of humor and the playfulness and the talking and the FRIENDSHIP in a relationship and it all falls apart. Love is built off friendship. People who last through 50 year anniversaries aren't sex fiends....theyre friends....remember that......
Im outta here........
Dont take life too seriously...youll never get out alive.

light a fire

:: 2004 20 April :: 11.13 pm
:: Mood: meh

happy birthday to me
my birthday's today....yay

got lectured by my grandma, who apparently hates me. She sends my brother a birthday card and money, but not me.

Then my dad lectured me about how apparently im being horrible to Ben, because we were hangin out on the porch, which apparently is awful and he should leave me. (which i think anyway because he deserves better, but thats a whole long crazy thing)

My dad for some reason thinks it would be hifuckinlarious to bring up my dead cat and how i should have had her put down before she died.

Ok, enough of the bad. I got to go to Chicago on a field trip, got a bunch of cool stuff (animal house DVD! yay! i love that movie!), and of course i got to see Ben.

Oh yea, hehehe, me and Benji's 4 month anniversary today too. Its gone by wicked fast and I honestly still think I'm dreaming. Things like Ben don't ever work out for me. They hate me. But he's different. I can be a total fool and at the end of the day, its all good, and im still in his arms. Whoever thought your boyfriend could turn into one of your friends?? ;-) Ok, so they usually do, just not in Caityland. In Caityland, everything goes wrong. But Caityland is closing and being demolished. In its place is paradise. Our song is "The Reason" by hoobastank. Cheesy, i know, to have "a song", but you know what, deal with it. I love it and its an awesome song.

I may be suspended from the track team for skipping a meet monday due to work. If thats the case, im quitting. Dont have time for it anyway. No hard feelings. Priorities need to be taken care of.....as in sleep and sanity.

Good birthday overall i suppose, but i despise being lectured and hated. "Love me or hate me but spare me your indifference" Awesome quote. argh....k, its off to finish the homework. hehehe....i can smell ben on me....kinda creepy, but it rocks and i love it......and him...... :-D

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:: 2004 18 April :: 12.12 am
:: Mood: argh
:: Music: sugarcult, "Drive All Day"

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:: 2004 11 April :: 9.31 pm
:: Mood: discontent

Im very blah today....argh. Easter was really really boring. Brunch with the insane relatives......and thats it. Kind of a relief...but i like goin back and forth with my brothers for hours on end.
prom is a hassle.....a good hassle i suppose, but a hassle all the same. I hate making decisions....i want everyone to enjoy themselves..as long as theyre happy, im happy....and i have no clue whats going on to begin with. i like spontaneity, but i dont like not knowing whats going on. and yea, theres a difference.
lifeguarding class starts tomorrow. i cant wait to see what we've got for new guards. Hopefully not a bunch of dipshits because that wouldnt be much fun. Im sure ill hate it after the first day or so.....ill get sick of kathy way fast.
Ever feel obsessed with someone?? You feel kind of dumb.....really dumb actually, but theres no reason to. I guess im not exactly obsessed with Ben, just hopelessly in love. He's like my best friend.....which is a good thing i hope! I can tell him pretty much anything...although i still have to pry it out of myself. Yea, thats right. People dont pry it out of me, i pry it out of myself. I dont like talking really.....at least not when its personal stuff. Ive been screwed over too many times by trusting people. Anyway... i trust him with basically everything...theres still some stuff that noone ever hears, but not too much of it anymore. Ben's probably gonna go crazy after listening to me much longer....his choice bwahahahahaha. He's great....every girl should find one :D No, honestly he is. Im mean to him alot...too much for my own good....its probably gonna turn around and slap me in the face one day...he doesnt deserve that....argh...but im just a bitch...alot.
Schools almost over. Only a month or so left. thank god. I cant take any more!!!! :D
I want to go to NMU... yea its really far away, but i need to escape. Theres too much of my pain and too many of my tears hidden in the cracks of this town. Getting out for awhile will be good for me. Help me get even better than im doing now.
Im working on my story again. I want to finish it. Ive been fixing it a bit for a few weeks now. Haven't made any solid changes, but ive got alot of ideas. Its totally different...i can see it from a sane standpoint now, not an obsessed, depressed psychos....hehehehe... :D
My cat is dying. Its very sad...she saved my life. I saved hers when she was little and then she saved mine a few years ago. So now were even, and im trying to save her again, but its hard. I dont know what else to do. But then again, if she hadnt saved me, i wouldnt be here to even try to save her. That makes no sense.....
"Love me or hate me but spare me you indifference." Good quote...im sure its in here more than once, but im in a quote mood so there yall go. Night! ^o^

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:: 2004 10 April :: 12.24 am
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Hoobastank, "The Reason"

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:: 2004 9 April :: 12.52 am
:: Mood: content

I wish i had more time to write....writing is like breathing to me....but if thats the case, id be pretty dead by now. I never have the time with track and school and dogs and cats...to sit down and just ramble about anything and everything. I've got journals filled with little thoughts, but no really long good pages of nothing. They're the best.
Life is goin pretty damn fine right now. It's exhausting, more so than i was prepared for, but im still fightin. Track started, and right now i suck, but its only the second meet. School is typical....too much homework, too little time.
Ben...........Ben is more than i ever dreamed. Our four month anniversary is my birthday, the 20th.....which may not seem like anything special to some people, but damn, every day I'm with him is amazing. I can't even explain it. He doesn't judge me, he lets me be insane, he's a total goofball, and he's just so incredibly sweet and awesome. Not sex-crazed, not immature...well maybe a bit....but if he wasn't id be worried...
im smiling a lot more now.....ben's kinda helped me be okay with everything around me, because he hasn't held me back in any way....i dont think he really understands how great he is....and i dont know how to show him....
Guarding class starts monday!! yay! yea, im a dork, i love work.
Band still rocks. We're goin to SUPER-STATE!!!!! WOOHOO.......yea thats right im a total band geek too.
meow....im tired....til next time...me

light a fire

:: 2004 10 February :: 9.08 pm
:: Mood: blissful
:: Music: "little moments" by brad paisley

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:: 2003 18 December :: 5.40 pm
:: Mood: happy

:D
hey, good news......wow, for once......me and ben are getting back together!!! well, i hope so anyway....we're takin things slow right now...which is good, last time went too fast. It feels SO good to be back in his arms.....his hugs are more amazing than words could describe. And he makes me happy. He called me yesterday and told me he had a present for me (i didnt understand, he'd already given me a present!) and when he came over, my mom hid him from me for a second before i saw what he'd brought......Amanda!, who i hadn't seen since summer!! He knew i wanted to see her but hadn't yet.......it was the best present ever.....and the thought behind it was so precious i nearly cried...i know i know......im turning into a sap.

Going to Air's on Saturday....that'll be excellent cuz i haven't seen anyone since pool season ended (example-amanda) But in doing so, im kinda ditching this dinner thing...well im still going but im just not staying the whole time.....i hate stuff like that....grrr
Finals week is this week....hell on earth.....but tomorrow's the last day! yippee! then 2 sweet weeks of break....thank god. Alright im off to study....got wicked hard chem and us history finals tomorrow!

light a fire

:: 2003 23 November :: 10.38 pm

time is hated

an extra hour in my day would be much appreciated. I know, i know, very unreasonable, but I never have enough time to finish everything....argh.

Me and Ricardo ended up goin by air and meg's for halloween. It was alot of fun, except 4 hours in a car is brutal. There's just no other word for it. Brutal. But the party rocked, which made up for the drive. It was awesome seein them again.

ISU was forever ago! We rocked.....well, we got 5th in our class, but thats pretty damn good for never competing at state level before. It was bunches of fun. Hard work..but awesome.....and I just got the DVD of our performance on Friday, so now I can watch it ALL THE TIME!!!! YAY :D

1st semester's almost over already...the play was...last weekend...hmm maybe the weekend before...it was pretty good..the cast party rocked...there were only 15 or so people there at once. Very peaceful, unlike last year, when we'd cram 90 kids into Amy's house. Quite the fire hazard.

School's a big bore. Meh. Only a year and a half till college! YAY! I've decided that I wanna go to Northern Michigan University. I LOVE that school. And it's 6 hours away from home. yea yea i know, i just complained about the 4 hour drive to charleston, but 6 hours from home except on holidays would rock. Im sick of the fools here.

Party (well of sorts) at Kristen's last night.......whew seems like alot of this is parties..... That was....interesting...guys are perverted when their drunk (even the good ones!) and Maxim is a great magazine. Great philosophy isnt it?

Get to spend next weekend at Mike's. Kristin's gonna be there, and I bet Chris will be too! yay... and my mommys birthday is that weekend too!

ok.....too much happiness....lol.....there is still a downside....cant get over ben...tried everything but drugs and thats not gonna happen..... i have developed a bit of a crush on this kid James....he's sarcastic as all hell, which i love, but he's got this sweet side that peeks out every so often. It's hilarious. He reminds me of Ricky....too worried about thoughts to show how they REALLY feel. Hmmmm interesting thought of the week......james and ben are both majorly into spiderman..... i think ive got a thing for spidey boys now.... oh dear..... :D

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:: 2003 17 October :: 10.25 pm
:: Mood: blah

whoa
holy fuck i havent written in like 2 months....time flies when you dont have weeekends.....omg where to start?

hmmm...i despise school, there is more fricken homework than i have hours in the day...and the teachers laugh at you when you want to cry because youre so damn tired from not sleeping for 3 days straight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh.....band rocks....yea thats right im a band geek, dont like it??? too fuckin bad, deal with it. We kick ass.....but im sad cuz there's only two competitions left (ISU and Sandwich) and one game. :( It's been quite challenging......but a whole shitload of fun! The music rocks, the drill rocks, we rock!~

Allix and joseph.......ugh......finally lost their virginity to each other......im just so darn proud of them.......yea sure, and my brother can fly. Kristen's still pretty dealable......she can be annoying sometimes but what ya gonna do???

bens still a lil fucker......sometimes he says things that seem like hes in love with me, and other times hes an asshole....i dont understand......but i miss him.....damn me

Me and Ricardo are (hopefully) gonna go visity Air (erin) and meg (megan) for Halloween cuz their having a party at their apartment!!! YAY!!! fun times!!! And Erin got engaged to Josh!!! YAY!!!! :D

yea, thats all i can think of for now....night night

light a fire

:: 2003 30 August :: 11.00 pm
:: Mood: amused

holy shit n shinaenaes!!! i havent written in like a month!!! hehehe hmmmm ok lets see....
the rest of the pool season was awesome....one night involved me and erin dragging a huge plastic purple dinosaur into one of the boys' bathroom stalls, and ricky careening into the deep end with the wheelchair! fun stuff! we managed to get the like 2 ton wheelchair out of the water just before kathy pulled up to check on us!!!!!! ahhh good craziness.... erin and megan and molly all went off to college.... :( makes me quite sad... but me and ricardo are gonna go down to eastern (megan and erin have an apartment down there) to visit for a weekend sometime! yay! lol
i hate goin back to school. it's crazy-boring and watching joseph and allix making out in the mornings just isnt cool. band is fun.....we had our first performance last night...it went awesome...we kick ass! :D

ahhhh bens a major little fucker.....him and nicole broke up again last week, and apparently he stopped by my house last night (i was at band).......wtf! does he think he can pick and choose when he talks to me....or decides to come over only when he's not hooked up with someone else!!!! i think not!!!!! well im outta here...too tired....need to finish homework sometime eventually.......

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:: 2003 28 July :: 10.36 pm
:: Mood: peachy

blahdedahdeblah
This summer is goin pretty good!!! Work's good, money's awesome, ben's in california, which isn't too good, but well everything else is excellent! :D
We had an all-guards toga party at Erin's this weekend.....that was awesome. None of us had anything close to a white sheet for the toga either! I had rainbows, Erin had Treasure Trolls, Carmen had tie-dye, Josh had cow-print, Ricardo had stripes, and Molly and Tony had blue.......craziness!!!
Carmen and Josh got totally shitfaced at the party....it was hilarious and Ricardo managed to get most of it on tape! :D Erin got a little on the drunk side, and me and Molly didnt really get anything more than buzzed. Hopefully there's gonna be another one next weekend. Megan wants to get wasted with me (she wasnt at this one cuz she was outta town), however, its crazy cuz shes one of my bosses!!!!! lol AHHH and good ol' Kathy is on vacation!!!

Speaking of Kathy, we ripped the office apart, threw out her two desks and 3 shelving units, and the managers spent one night building all new stuff! It's great, now there's plenty of room for 4 people to play xtreme volleyball in there on break!!!!! :D

yea, back to the party for a bit......Allix ended up fuckin ditching me to go by Joseph's, and then lied to everyone.....but whatever...we all called her, and erin, tony, and carmen ended up hanging up on her. So the poor darling didn't have a good night with her fuckbuddy. Ok, enough of my frustration! hehehe Yea, thats all the new stuff I can think of right now...................night! :D

light a fire

:: 2003 23 July :: 10.33 pm
:: Mood: tired

argh
whoa, i have no time anymore these days! but work is awesome and more than worth the money im gettin! we have so much fun at work that i actually LIKE going! its craziness...for example today, our office turned into "molly's tattoo parlor", which consisted of molly (and josh) doodling things all over our bodies with permanent marker!!!! stupid, yes.....crazy, yes......fun, oh yes! and then when i actually have a day off, there's fricken band! which i admit, on the whole, isnt so bad...yet! its quite fun, but thats cuz there are some great people in there this year. It's gonna be a good year i think. ahhhhhh......saturday erin's hosting an all-guards toga/swimming party! yay! thats gonna be ALOT of fun! of course, i have to work all day saturday before the party and then sunday morning......so i might be just a teeny bit tired......me and ricardo are gonna be hung over together sunday at work......hehehe and kathy's not gonna be there! good stuff, so long as there's not an audit!!! argh
yea, on the subject of ben, hes a little fucker.......but what can ya do!? he decides to be talkative sometimes, and nowhere near talkative the next time......it really sucks....but thats life, and i have a feelin its not gonna get a whole lot better before it gets worse!
ah..i have seen brett alot these past weeks though! god, hes adorable....but nothing serious...i do wish he'd stop smoking.....grrrrrr... saw him last night...he was smokin when me and kristen got there, and then i told him he reeked, so he actually threw out the cigarette, and went and got gum from his car! awwwww how precious....gag gag.....lol...i got too much sun today and not enough sleep!!! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lol upside down and backwards, ^o^ night!

light a fire

:: 2003 16 July :: 12.45 am
:: Mood: exhausted

omg....i havent written in a long time....no time!!!
argh, ive been so busy....take today for example: i got 3 hours of sleep last night, woke up at six, worked from seven till one-thirty, came home at bout two, mowed the lawn for an hour, got a little bit of sleep, went to band rehearsal from six til nine, and then hung out at joe's place (pizza) for bout an hour afterwards.............gah!!
I got to see Brett again though.....second time in 3 days!!! We were talkin bout Colorado tonight....he still has a scar from goin down a 50 ft. slide standing up! :-D He's kinda a player though...but it's all good
Went to the summer with the arts play last weekend...got to see ben....first time ive seen him since the beginning of july. it was......interesting...kinda funny cuz me and nicole (his new/old g/f) were gettin along great, talkin and laughin after the play...ben looked as though he wanted to come talk to us both, but he didnt think he should.....it was hilarious. i still miss him though.....quite a bit. I'm writing this story....allix thinks it to get closure subconsciously with ben. I dunno...the story is killing me to write it. It drains me completely.....i dont want to finish it, but i feel like i have to.
k, ive been rambling a bit. anyway...guarding is still tons of fun. and $500 bucks a month isnt too bad...... :-D cept it sucks when theres one person who refuses to do anything and always comes in to work late!!! argh...alright im outta here....im too sleepy!!!!!! :D

light a fire

:: 2003 6 July :: 12.51 am
:: Mood: complacent

blah
was anyone else not able to log in for like 2 weeks?!! maybe my computers just f*d. oh well. life hasnt changed much. work is still great good fun, the paychecks are keepin me very happy! i have enuff to go shopping and still save some! YAY!!! the people are great too....i cant believe its july already though....the summer is flying by!

things are still goin pretty shitty with ben. I basically give up. I think im worse now then i was before school ended!!!! this aint cool at all... saw nicole a few days ago though! that was actually pretty good, cuz shes on the shot team, and i hadnt seen her all summer! saw stads today too! at the pool....she was with her cousins...fun stuff!
anyway......wow i get sidetracked easily.....im playing the good lil friend with ben...but it hurts crazystyle. cant just stop though. that would be worse!!! argh....there is no end! at least i have work to take my mind off him every so often. If i wasnt working id probably be going completely insane by now. this is so crazy....my life is one of those constant dramas.....hence my dropping volleyball this fall and doing the play!! lol alright im outta here! i get to sleep in tomorrow!!! YAY!!! PAST 8!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats a miracle!!!!! Night

light a fire

:: 2003 28 June :: 3.16 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

wow i havent written in like 2 weeks! ive been too stressed and busy to write much of anything.....
Work is going great...the pay kicks ass, and its a helluva lot better than sitting behind an oven at joe's place, cookin pizzas! Plus, the people i work with are way too much fun!
Its summerfest so we spend the nights at the pool to protect it from carnies.....yea thats right....we have to protect our pool! Our boss locked herself in the office and left us all alone out there all night! it was awesome......there was alot of nakedness....we were playin strip poker, but there was one 13 yr old guard there, and me and annette didnt feel too good strippin in front of him!!!! lol it was all good though...fun stuff, we got to swim in the pool all night...like 3 am we were goin down all the slides! great times
Ben's being a dick. I really dont fuckin understand. He's all talkative and shit and sending me pictures of him, but then like 2 nights ago, he didnt say a fuckin word to me! wtf! i wish he would just make up his mind and stop screwin with my head. It really sucks. eh. alright im done. too tired. didnt go to bed till like 430 cuz of the pool sleepover thing, and had to get up at 630 to work untill noon.....ah good times.........

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