sugarmouse0587
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2005 20 October :: 4.06pm
no seriously. umm i got a job in september and it hasn't started yet. they finally called me yesterday to ask about my availabiltiy and then i call back and there isn't anyone in the office. for two days.
and i can't even work during break. so i'll have like a month of a job and then nothing.
WHAT THE DEAL???!!!!!??!?!?!??!?
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 20 October :: 3.57pm
so i'm trying to be a good person. like not so bitchy and complainy and mean and two faced. i'm annoying myself.
but i feel so spiteful and vindicitve. and guilty. esp. guilty.
i want to go home right now. it's not that i hate it here. i actually like it a lot, but my house sounds really good right now.
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 19 October :: 10.49pm
it's that feeling where you hate everyone, but still want them to love you.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 19 October :: 10.03pm
i need you.
i am sad.
:0(
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holiday
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2005 18 October :: 10.22pm
:: Music: A Static Lullaby
"Why did I laugh so hard baby? I never meant to hurt you, but I did...."
Paper to write. Maybe I can just do some now and some on Thursday. Wow I never used to be this bad of a procrastinator. First day of work tomorrow. 9am. ayayayaya. I have to start registering for winter classes already. Crazy crazy. This Saturday is the wedding and my last day of First Aid class. Yay.
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brokenmentality
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2005 18 October :: 9.11pm
Erika, hey it's Keegan.
Just wanted to say hi, and that I care about you. and that I love it when we resolve our arguments. no matter how long it takes or how hard it is.
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holiday
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2005 18 October :: 4.42pm
YAYYYY Charlie's Christmas present came today. I'm excited. I have an hour till my next class. Blahhh. Nutritions was fun today. Eh I'll write more later. I'm kinda pissed.
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 18 October :: 4.12pm
so yesterday started the official sarah is not a jerk era in my life.
i'm doing okay considering.
except that i was just mean to my mom. i didn't mean to be. but now i just feel like punching something big time.
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holiday
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2005 18 October :: 12.22am
So yeah, got one paper done. Nutrition analysis I'll work on tomorrow night after class. blahhhh. I think I'm really really going to like this job. Yippee. I think I'd be okay spending all day in a kitchen again, like when I had class. It's going to be great.
I was thinking today about how weird it would be to go back to high school. I wouldn't, but I mean, it just doesn't seem possible now. It seems like I've been out for a while. I'm getting married, I'm moving, I'm moving up with my career. It just seems to be going fast. Sometimes I forget what day it is then in the blink of an eye it's Friday again. Which is awesome. Life is crazy.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 17 October :: 10.25pm
god does anyone know where i can just get a stupid fricken timer that counts down days for you woohu . FOR SOME REASON I'M HAVING WAY TOO MUCH TROUBLE WITH THAT.
fucking STUPID ASS FUCKING DAY.
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holiday
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2005 17 October :: 9.55pm
Things are WONDERFUL! Except I forgot I had a Bus. Eng. paper to write and a project for Nutrition to do...I remembered on the drive home. Guess they'll have to wait till after Laguna...
Charlie and I are all smiles now. It's good. He's working a 15 hour night tonight and probably all week. I went to my job orientation today and I will be working this Wednesday and Friday. It's going to be GREAT! I'm excited. We get paid every week though, which is wierd to be doing that again.
We're going to be saving up for a house soon. Once I start paying off stuff I can help. But Charlie's making a TON of overtime. Like 7 hours just today. Whoo wee that's cool and helpful. Ahhhh laguna is on...
I'll be on later.
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brokenmentality
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2005 16 October :: 2.24pm
:: Music: Ani DiFranco
what a depressing day. as much as i want to get up and wash my face.. i just lay here in a dark room wishing i was everything that right now im lacking so bad.
my car is getting to me, i dont have a ride to work tonight. i dont know when im gonna have something to drive... my mom is bending over backwards to make it easier for me, but for godsake i've had my licene for over a year now, she shouldnt have to stress out so i can drive her car for a day... if only i was just in walking distance.
for about 20 minutes i was gonna stay home, brandi was gonna cover for me, and i was gonna pick up her wednesday... but then i realized that i would rather go to work depressed and upset and beable to see him on wednesday. but thats just me, thats just a sacrifice that i'm willing to make so we can spend time together. whatever.
i just want it to be winter so i can come home and bundle up and drink hot chocolate and chai and not feel guilty about NOT being outside on a beautiful day.
i've been thinking about college alot lately. i dont know what im going to do. im a fucking senior.. and i have no idea what i want to do after high school. something about that terrifies me immensely.
i just want to be out of here. away from everything that i've always known, or maybe everything that i've never truely known.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 15 October :: 11.30pm
i feel so ........ like... like a major failure. I guess we did really bad today at the competition and i wasn't even worried about it at all and didn't even care if we got a bad score (that doesn't mean i didn't try though, becuase i did try to do well) but then when i hear we did bad, wow it just makes me feel really bad. i feel like such a failure but hey when don't i ? I really think if i was a neonatel nurse and i help a baby return to health, i will feel realy accomplished. i think it's what i really want.
i hate being left out and i hate not having fun with everyone else. i hate that feeling. andi hate being away from roman when everyone else can just walk down the hall if they want to see him. i have to drive 40 minutes.
i really need to brush my teeth and stop getting fat and eating ice cream.
seriously, when do I get to have some fun? Be crazy? anything....?
oh i almost forgot about the crazy lady and her fricken HOOLA-HOOP rings. which are oinion rings. she orders a full order of rings. then tells me i can send them back to the kitchen and take them off the table and her bill. i ask whats wrong and she yellls about how it's not a "HEAPING PLATTER of HOOLA HOOP rings" and how Jerry wrote her an email about how it's a HEAPING PLATTER and how a basket is NOT a platter. Well guess what lady?! Jerry knows nothing about the food or anything else. And i dont her that. "jerry doesn't know what he's talking about" She was a bitch so i didnd't even care. They left me 2 bucks. Whatever bitches. Who writes a restaraunt a freaking email asking about their oinion rings anyway?! freak. UGH.
I am not in a good mood. I wanna go cry or something. i'm freezing too. time for an electric blanket and some sappy music.
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holiday
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2005 15 October :: 9.34pm
Way to make me feel better dad! No, I just wanted to know if he even would cancel going for me. Now I know. I wouldn't have let him. But still, I just wanted to know. Silly me. I'm just a girl. I'll ALWAYS be here.
Anyway, I have a new job, and a new tattoo. Yippee!!!! I got it today at Wicked Ways. The guy Matt, he's pretty cool. I was laying down the whole time and holding onto Charlie's hand going "Oh god oh god oh god". It hurt when he got to the bony part. It's a star I drew, on my ankle. And I'm very happy :-)
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 15 October :: 5.22pm
and why do people act so suprised when you do things alone?
i don't want pity. i want silence.
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 15 October :: 5.15pm
oh my gooooosssssssssh........!
can't you even take a hint? can't you ever stop talking or making noise?
i can't stand your stupid face and voice. you're really dumb and annoying.
can't you just go away?
far far away. go. now. leave me.
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brokenmentality
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2005 15 October :: 12.42pm
i guess its about time i update about homecoming. prom probably takes the cake cuz of everything we did before and after... but dancing wise... this one was the best!
me and keegan clashed, but at the same time looked really good together. the green and purple ended up looking very nice. i couldnt have been happier with my dress. it looked perfect, it wasnt to long, it fit wonderfully... *smiles. so anyways, me, keegan, stacy, brad and brandi went to timbers for dinner... i got meatloaf... heck yes! but then i made keegan trade me his steak.. giggles.
the dance turned out VERY nice. the decorations were awesome and i loved the theme. the seniors did a kick ass job.
we got our pictures taken right when we got there, hopefully it turns out good. we're not your average couple, and poses just dont work for us... so we did our own thing. thats what we usually do though... we always do our own thing...
but yeah.. the dance was great.. i danced with keegan all night.. almost as if nobody else was around. and the last song they played "you look wonderful tonight" is one of our songs.. so the night just ended perfectly. i got really good pictures, AND when keegan started break dancing... i didnt even get pushed the back of the circle... laughs.. i could actually SEE! its so cool that he does that.. i feel so cool dating him. *laughs again* i've never felt this way before.. or have ever thought that my boyfriend was cooler than me... its just amazing to think... wow, im dating keegan. i have to tell myself that from time to time...... he's so incredible.. and we're incredible together.
after the dance we just went back to keegans house and went to sleep. we were to tired to go bowling... and just feeling him close to me is all i need to make the night perfect... i know im overusing that word... but its the only word that fits.
the other day we went to klackle orchards and got pumpkins, donuts, apples, and gourds. it was so much fun. we got to ride in the "enchanted" pumpkins out to the pumpkin patch. keegans pumpkin is HUGE and mine WAS perfect until SOMEBODY broke the stem off. pshhh. but yeah.. that was a really fun day.
then last night after i got out of work we rented Crash and Call Me... we only watched Call ME cuz there was no way we were stayin up for two movies. it was ok.. but it really should have been classified as porn. lol. it was a BIT graphic to say the least. ahh well... what can ya do right?
so right now shelby has a bunch of little friends over because she turned 5 on monday... *tears.. she grows so fast* so todays her little birthday party. i have to go to work tonight... which i dont want to do... but when i get out we'll probably watch that other movie.
the good thing about having people over is that it forces me to clean my room. usually its a disaster, but my room is seroiusly the coolest room i've seen in person.. .not trying to be conceited or anything... but its pretty kick ass. so when people are over i always gotta show it to em. scott came over with keegan today... so in otherwords i was cleaning all morning. aww it was so cute. keegan came over to do some flips for all shelbys little friends. he's just so damn cool! *giggles
bad news though.... i cant drive my car anymore. we brought it in to get the breaks checked out and they said the front and back brakes are totally shot and it also needs new brake pads and roters and all that other stuff that me, being a girl, doesnt know anything about. but yeah, the cheapest they could fix it for is 650... and my mom doesnt think its worth putting that much money into. so i think we're gonna look into getting a different car.. possible an explorer. but i'll be out of a car for about a month im guessing... not like it matters.. i dont drive very often anyways. .maybe once or twice a week... if that. but yeah... thats my story.
yeah.. so i havent updated in awhile.. as a result this entry jumps all around and sounds kinda odd... but at least ya'll got the jist of my past week. alright... bye loves.
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 14 October :: 7.01pm
:: Music: all american rejects-it ends tonight
I'm so bored and sad right now, but I'm not running to Jake.
Take that mom.
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holiday
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2005 14 October :: 2.58pm
:: Music: The Used
Holy crap. I just bought Charlie's Christmas present. AHHHH :-D
It's been an interesting day.
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holiday
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2005 13 October :: 11.10pm
You don't have to want to see me. Whatever.
I have a new job now. Finally. After a month. I don't know how I did it. Now I know why you get graduation money. Haha. For times like this. Too bad I'm spending some of it on a tattoo.
Chef called me today and I go in for orientation on Monday. Andrew had a good idea about not dispaying the name of the company so when people google it they won't get my journal. So I'm just going to type what the business card says...
..."Our catering experience has expanded over 15 years of performing thousands of catering events in our "hometown" to Rome, Italy. We have catered to several Presidents of the United States and have been selected as the exclusive caterer for the Farmers Charity Classic and West Michigan Whitecaps. Whether you're planning a corporate breakfast or lunch, a picnic in the park, or a gala event for 1,000, the "--blank--" team of event planners and certified chefs are trained to bring...."blank"...to your event!
I thought that was pretty neat.
So Charlie may get the ring sooner than expected. Now I'm really thrown off as to what time he will ask! Ahh. I found what dress I want. Maybe I already put that in here. Anyway. Spring.
Panera bagels are sooooooo great!
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 13 October :: 7.04pm
oh my gosh so the one day i'm scheduled during the wekk they send me home and then now i realized i could have gotten to the FAFSA meeting. wow i was actually in a good mood and now. wow. aa;lkfjas;lkf grrrrrrr.
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brokenmentality
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2005 13 October :: 6.51am
just what i want to wake up to.
every day just keeps getting better and better.
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holiday
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2005 13 October :: 12.55am
"We call it the suck it game, because, well, when we win, which, Will and I ALWAYS win, you get to turn to the loser and say 'suck on it'!!!!!"
"Which lever do I pull to have a safe dropped on me!?"
Gah I love this show.
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holiday
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2005 13 October :: 12.46am
Awww. I love Will & Grace so much.
I love ma girls too. I had a TON of fun tonight. I'm so happy we're hanging out again. Sar-oid needs to hang out with us again too!
I'm just sad right now and I don't really know why. My body is just going crazy on me. Operation- Scare David didn't work so well but it was still fun. Stir-fry is yummy. My bed feels nice. G'night.
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brokenmentality
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2005 12 October :: 10.02pm
i'll just set aside how pissed i am for the time being. its not going to do anything any good... and if i open up and say what i REALLY feel.. i'll have to hear how it hurt someones feeling... so yeah, i'll just pretend everythings fine and im ok, because im a fucking doormat.
before i get into homecoming.. i gotta vent. deal with it.
i understand that im short and blonde and tend to smile alot. does that mean that im perfect?! if i flip out on somebody... its like "oh damn, erikas pisssed" WHAT am i not allowed to show some irrational emotion? just because i hide how i feel in school to avoid added drama... doesnt mean i dont HAVE unneccesary drama. if i were to be totally honest with myself and most the people i surround myself with... i wouldnt have many friends. im not judgemental.. i just cant put up with peoples shit very easily. Grow the fuck up. we're seniors for gods sake. im counting the days before i get the hell away from all these people. we grew up together, we'll see eachother at reunions, pretend we were friends "back in the day" and move on with our lives. and i may or may not marry somebody from around here. im certainly not gonna plan on it. im 17 years old. why would i want to be tied down to love and commitment? am i happy with my relationship? yeah, because its a healthy relationship. we dont center our lives around eachother. thats a bit pathetic dont cha think? i seriously wish i could just go up to most every happy person in the hall and slap them and be like what the fuck is wrong with you! the world sucks! *laughs.... god im glad i can find humor when im so PISSED.
first times..... yeah.. unforgettable right.
just like i'll never forget the first time you put a recreation before me, or the first time you hung up on me, or the first time you just left me... because its not like i've never been abanded before right, or the first time you called me a bitch, or the first time i'll go to bed upset with you, or the fact that YOUR first time is with someone else. that ones my favorite. i hate that about you. HATE it. to bad you'll never have to experience that. physically feeling your heart break every time you think about, and at the same time wanting to vomit. maybe thats love, maybe thats what we're waiting for and this is just a preview.
*ahem* Love is never fully being happy, but settling for a great person with just less than what you expected. oh yeah, and throw in the... "its not fair" part and maybe the "drive eachother crazy" part.
i honestly am scared to death that i'll never fall in love with anyone. im to anal about love, im to picky... i know exactly what i want. but it doesnt exist. and that doesnt say anything bad about my relationships or future relationships... it just tells me that its time i take my head out of the clouds and think realistickly.
i dont know. im so irrational sometimes. i dont know why he puts up with my bullshit. tonight hurt... but so did yesterday. it never gets easier. it makes me wish we were in love so at least in my lowest moment i could tell myself "but its ok, because he loves me" and it kills me that i cant... but its not just that. its me too. im not ready for that. like i said... who knows if i'll ever be ready. ive encountered first hand love due to my mom and her divorce. i would rather go to hell then relive the events we suffered through. i honestly think chris was satan. but he didnt start out that way. man he fooled us. i dont want that to happen to me. and i guess im just scared to death that im gonna open myself up, become totally vulnerable to pain... and be fooled.
ok.... i took a break from the last paragraph and went to talk to my mom. she always makes me feel better. but now im just depressed.
im so fucking selfish. and i know that. and i can admit that....
maybe i'll get to homecoming a different day. i'd like to be happy when i update about such a great night.
this is one of those nights where a tiny part of you hopes you never wake up, even though im not suicidal.... eternal sleep just sounds so good sometimes.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 12 October :: 9.32pm
This entry is not goign to make any sense. but i am going insane. i dont have to prove my love to anyone but roman. and i mean no one else needs to see anything. that's as far as i'm going to get into that. i am going crazy. college i dont even know what i want to do or antyhing anymore. i feel like i've basically been told i should not go into nursing. my brain is so crazy i can't even type a whole sentance without backspacing 8 times. i feel like i'm running around with no stopping. i'm constantly forgetting about things. i feel like the only time i get i need to scoop up for myself. i am broke and i dont know what to do. i need to enroll for college for duel enrolling and i dont know what class to take. i need to take the freakin act's . i need to apply for fafsa.
i have so much to do but i dont know where to begin. i want to just lie down and sleep with you and never get up.
and i can't shake the thought and i want it.
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stinko
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2005 12 October :: 12.49pm
blah
blah
blah
i
like
stuff
ha
ok
?
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sugarmouse0587
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2005 11 October :: 6.30pm
:: Music: red hot chile peppers coming from kevin's room at an unnessarily loud volume
my goal this week was to just lump it. But it's not working out. killing someone would be okay though.
I'm eating candy and i'm not supposed to be doing that
fuck. i'm hungary.
as for lumping it. probably not happening cause i'm so pissed.
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holiday
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2005 11 October :: 5.27pm
Hooray for... subway cookies. Yep. I am bored but I don't feel like leaving for class yet. I ran over this HUGE raccoon last night while my dad was trying to call me. It was sooo gross. I get to hang out w/ma girls tomorrow. Yippee!
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holiday
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2005 11 October :: 5.19pm
Ugh
It's so boring right now. And cold out. I have class in about 25 minutes. I was thinking about really having the wedding at Charlie's Grandma Caldwell's. It would be so pretty there and nice. At first I wanted it to be by water, but that's kind of hard... Anyway. I'm not feeling too great right now. I am so tired.
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