I finally had the break down I knew was coming... at work. Not fun. My boss/friend, Ryan, pulled me into a room and let me cry my heart out, then I continued on throughout the day, feeling no better, but thinking it was done. Then I get in my car and get ready to go home, flip on the radio and "Chasing Cars" (our song) came on. Everything went all through me and I lost it again. I can't wait for this stage to just be over.
I love him. As horrible as it is, I don't want to love him anymore, because then everything won't hurt so bad. I know that'll never happen. Kelly was/is a HUGE factor in my life, and he'll always have my heart.
I don't know if I'll continue on with this thing... it was kind of a place for he and I. Plus all my friends were originally his friends and I don't quite know how the feelings are with them and I anymore. I still love them, but... I don't know.
Fuck. I wish this didn't hurt so much.
I am so confused... I don't know what to do. Actually I already did what I felt like I should do, and it makes me feel like shit, and completely sick to my stomach. Then he left without talking to me.
I love him but I don't feel like I'm IN love with him, which is a completely overused line, but it's fitting. This week didn't feel right to me. I didn't feel like I used to feel, and I didn't get that little kick like I usually do when I first saw him. I knew something was wrong, but I kept telling myself it would blow over. After two years, you can't just stop having those feelings... I realize now that maybe you can. I talked to him and he just left without saying a thing. I don't really blame him, but... I don't know.
I don't want this to end on a bad note, but I don't really see it being a happy ending. There's nothing happy about it.
I'm sorry, Kelly. I don't know what to do, but I'm not going to pretend to be happy because then we would both just be miserable.
So I went to the casino with the guys last night, everyone's in town so it was the first time we had hung out in forever. I made twenty bucks, so it was all fun... but then when I'm getting ready to go to bed, I go to plug in my phone, an cannot find it at all. I know I did not leave it at the casino, because I put it on vibrate on the way home because the battery was dying. However, other than that I'm fuckin lost. It might have fallen out in Wheaton, it might be in Renkoski's car. Or Tylor might have grabbed it thinking it was his (same make and color) when he and Jacob were leaving my house.
I'm pretty much freaking out, fyi. I know Kelly's going to call, and my mom was supposed to call me as well, but... ha. Not going to happen when I don't have my phone.
/dies
hmm okay so my family pisses me off. Ashley's a crazy psycho when she doesn't get like 80 hours of sleep, and apparently ... fuck, I don't know, I guess dad's driving to KC with me. I can go by myself, I am fully capable. Renkoski wanted to go with me, as well, so that would have been perfectly fine. I am so mad, I can't just be like, "No, I don't want you to go," because dad would flip out. The upside is that he'll pay for gas now... so that's cool. Gaaaah.
I wish that more people trusted me. I'm not an idiot. Fuck.
Fuck them.
::
2008 12 September :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: tv
Holy balls.
zomg, like three days. I'm so incredibly excited. Ashley doesn't trust my driving skills well enough to let me drive to KC so she'll be doing that. I'm not that great of a driver, tbh, but like... I'm not horrible. She's just a bitch. Lacey can't go because she has to teach a class that night; she was so upset. We'll be able to come straight home, though, instead of stopping at Harrisville to see Josh though. That's good because we can get home earlier, but kind of sucky because I really like Josh. He's a funny guy, and he got points because he complimented me on my frames, which not too many people have ever done. So, kudos to him.
Hmm... omg. I don't know, I'm just so excited that I can't even think.
Ha, I plan on calling in on Friday, pretending to be sick, so that I can just spend the day with Kell, plus I think we'll be moving into the new house that day. So... yeah. I'm kind of nervous about that, lol. I've never called in anywhere. It's probably silly, but oh well.
Lacey's being a whore and making fun of me because I snort when I laugh. She'll just randomly look at me and snort. It's rather amusing, however.
Ugh, I could just go on forever about things involving Kelly, but I won't.
<3 him!!
Stressed...
So I set up my router all by myself. I only freaked out once, and I like got on msn really fast, praying Kelly would have staye up late to talk to me, seeing as though it IS the weekend... but no. He didn't. Ugh. But I'm kind of happy, because I figured it out on my own and now I have that satisfaction.
/sigh
Ten more days!! omfg. I am so excited. I'm all nervous/giddy. I hope everyone gets along alright. I'm most worried about Ashley; she's a bitch and she is on purpose. She'll be mean and hateful and rude and not care. Lacey's already killed her, as have I, but who knows. She's just someone you ignore, basically, and I hope Kelly can do just that.
Mom and dad are freaks. Trevor's annoying. Taylor's an emo bitch.
Other than that it should be cool >.>;;
lol, whatever. I'm not even going to worry about it.
So, Ashley and Lacey went to the bar, Guitars, in Joplin, Jake went to a party, so I'm home all by myself in this great big house and I'm lonely. And exhausted from a LOOOOONG day at work. The past two nights we have been continually busy. To top it all off, my backs starting to get sore from like... idk, maybe awkwardly lifting heavy shit? Whatever it is, it's uncomfortable and sucky.
I've got so much homework to do and no time at all to do it. I have to read like eight chapters for philosophy, study for a quiz in business law, draw shit for art, and do all these problems for accounting that take like 30 minutes each. Plus, I work 2-10 tomorrow and sunday so I don't know when I'm going to get them done. I'll have to skip church sunday because tomorrow I have to go to the house really early and help mom with some shit.
UGH.
I need it to be Kelly time now. All this stress makes me want to start smoking again, which can't happen, cause eww.
Whatever.
<3!!
So like yesterday we got this tornado and it happened when I was at work, so I'm sitting there checking out this woman who I've seen quite a bit, and her three kids are with her. Then the sirens go off and someone hops on the intercom and is like, "attention Wal-Mart associates and customers, we have a code black. If you would please safely make your way to the back of the store in an orderly fashion." So the littlest kid is freaking out and I'm like "come on dude" and I grab his hand and walk with him and the rest of them to the back. Then I go back up to the front and there's this old woman kind of milling around and I'm like, "ma'am have you lost someone, or do you need any help?" She fucking looks at me and is like "I don't know about you wimps, but I'm not scared of no damn tornado, do you have any self check-outs? I just want to leave" Well I told her we didn't, that she was free to leave at her own risk, but if she wanted her stuff she'd have to come to the back of the store with me. After a TON of bitching on her part, she makes her way to the back. It lasted for like thirty minutes, nothing even happened, and finally the warning was lifted. So yeah, that was cool.
I get paid tomorrow, so that's awesome, I'm excited.
I have three classes today, and a quiz in one (Bus. Law) and it's raining and cold and depressing. I'm not going to enjoy sitting in class all afternoon/evening. Whatever though. I have accounting with Ashley and it's awesome; we sit there and make fun of people and talk all three fucking hours of the class. I love it.
Actually, here the past few weeks Ashley was a friggin douche nozzle, but things are kind of okay now. I don't know what her problem was. Alas, all's well that ends well.
I've been thinking about Justin a lot lately, which just depresses me. I miss him. We talked all the time, and it seems lately I just need to talk to him agan. He was seriously my best friend before he died, and it sucks. We hung out all the time and sometimes I just want those days back.
::
2008 2 September :: 10.27am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Simple Man - Shinedown
The first week of school went well enough, I suppose. I missed my first art class, just slept right through it, so that was just awesome. It turned out alright, though, because the teacher new of me thanks to dad, so he was cool. My Philosophy class is awesome, like seriously, amazing. I'm excited about it. I'm going to drop out of my online class, Economics 202. I have no idea what's going on in that class, so instead of failing I'm just going to drop it. I may find another class, but I don't really want to. I'll probably end up doing so, however, so that I don't have to take an extra class next semester.
Work is okay, I had this weird nightmare about it last night, though. Like I went to lunch with my friends, and forgot to clock out... it was dumb.
Now instead of Lacey moving out, which she was going to, Jake's going to move out. I'm tired of hearing them bitch, tbh, and don't really care. I cared more that Lacey was moving out, but I know I'll still talk to Jake occasionally so it doesn't really matter. Uh... I have to move all my shit upstairs, and his down. I'll pretty much have all of upstairs to myself, so that's awesome. Thanks to him it's kind of smelly up there atm, so some major cleaning and candle burning will take place pronto. He's not moving until we get another roommate, which isn't likely to happen, so whatever, but I thought that was decent of him.
Oh, also another helpful piece of information is that I guess we're not moving out of here. We couldn't find another place that had enough bedrooms, so that was lame. We all really like the house, so I guess it's alright. But yeah, that's pretty much all.
Ha, wait. Ashley got a nasty chihuaha (sp) and I named it Clitorous. It's awesome.
Kk, time for class. <3 to all.
::
2008 26 August :: 11.30pm
:: Music: Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney
Drama Orgy
I'm sick. It started awhile back with an annoying cough. Now my sinuses are all crazy and the cough has progressively gotten worse. I'll survive, I'm sure, but it's annoying.
So we still haven't signed the lease for this house; this, turns out, is a good thing. The rent here is $850 a month, which is an outstanding figure, I'm aware, but it worked because there was enough of us to get it paid. Plus it's an awesome house and we were willing to pay it.
Now, however, Jake hates Lacey because she bitches (true story), Lacey hates Jake because he's a slob (another true story), and Ashley is annoyed with Lacey for bitching. I'm kind of in the middle of it all and was actually slightly oblivious to it all because I tend to be happy and cheerful and therefore didn't really notice that everyone hated the other. So, now I'm the only one not in a fight with another, so all three of them are coming to me and venting and I'm getting stressed out, but I feel kind of obligated to listen because that's what a friend does, right? So, last night Lacey told me that she was moving out. I'm the only one who knows this, next to Kelly and now whomever reads this, and I swear I'm going to get an ulcer.
Now, the lease thing comes into play here, because we can't afford to pay the rent with just the three of us, so we're looking for another house. The only one we've really got in mind is this possible meth lab. That's what it looks like, but this one kind of does too. lol all the houses are kind of skanky looking, but it's cool, it works. Ashley and I are going to go look at it tomorrow night in between classes and see how we feel about it. It needs to be cleaned, that's for sure, but this one did too, and we got it done. It'll suck doing it twice, but whatever. Jake doesn't really give a shit what it looks like as long as he has a room.
So that's the drama.
School's alright I guess. I loved my Philosophy class. Business Law wasn't as boring as I had predicted, but I have a quiz in there tomorrow, so we'll see how hard it is. Uh... I had art today and I kind of didn't wake up so I missed it. Woops...
I have those first two classes again tomorrow, plus accounting. And an online class. I'm going to be so fucking busy all the time, with that and work.
Oh, speaking of douchey work, I requested the 16th off to go get Kell in KC, and fucking Polly, my ugly pregnant Manager, denied it. So, I'm going to throw a bitch fit to Jenn, the other, less hormonal, Manager. She's cool as it stands, but we'll see how the title sits after we're done talking.
Oh, I'm totally seeing about taking out a loan and buying a Grand AM. It's not new, by any standards, but it looks decent enough. I don't know how it'll go. Ashley's bitching, saying I need to save up first, but holy balls. I can't, I have to have a vehicle. I'm currenly driving my parents fucking van, and it kills me because it's a gas hog. It's not bad looking by any standards, but like... I'm 19. I'm tired of driving a blasted mini-van, you know? So, it'll really help if we get this new house because I'll be paying approximately $233.50 a month, instead of roughly $300 = awesomesauce.
Hmm, besides the fact that I miss Kelly a LOT, that's about all.
<3 REP
::
2008 22 August :: 9.49am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Ashley eating my ear
Greatest story evAR.
My friend Chubbs wrote this. I fucking drownededed in lawl tears.
---------------
"lol"
So there I was, right? You know, like, the place.
I threw marcus a shuriken and we headed into the darkness. The tenseness in the air was to say the least... INTENSE. As Marcus and I traversed the inner city allyways of the metroplis of Wheatonia we knew one thing to be certain. One thing to be true and one thing to be right. We knew that we had to protect this with our lives much like our forefathers before us and our lineage would after us.
Suddenly in the stillness and tranquility of the night arose a distant siren. "This can't be good" I said to Marcus. He looked at me and spoke only with his emotions. Marcus was a pretty calm guy and I had known him for much of my life. It took a lot to stir him up and to see him looking at me with a face like that - a face of utter fear was disheartening to say the least. Marcus pulled his rokushakubo from its placement on the ground and casted a spell on both of us to protect us from the infection.
It had been seven months since the spread of the deadly pandemic had begun. In our small base we had formulated what was the cause of all of this but other than knowing that anyone who became infected turned into rabid almost zombie like creature we knew very little. We also knew that our only real means of combating them thus far had been our magicks which would always buy us enough time to escape after gathering supplies or whatever our mission might have been.
The siren edged closer...closer..closer. Something was wrong something was very wrong. When suddenly, out of no where,
CAPTAIN PLANET.
HE SHRIEKED: "BY OUR POWERS COMBINED... CA-CA-CAPTAINNN PLANET."
Captain planet began doing his shit and kicking rabid zombie ass until suddenly, out of no where, IT WAS SPIDERMAN, EXCEPT THE DARK ONE, RIGHT? he was infected and pissed as hell, he charged STRAIGHT AT captain planet.
The two battled hardcore crazy like and no later than a second after captain planet had dismantled dark spiderman IN CAME THE POWER RANGERS EXCEPT THE WERE ZOMBIES. THEN THE JUSTICE LEAGUE CAME AND THEY LOOKED POISED FOR VICTORY FOR THE GOOD GUYS AND THEN THE ASIAN KID FROM DUSK TIL DAWN CAME AND HE HAD A WATERGUN AND WATERBALOONS AND WAS KILLING ALL THE ZOMBIES.
IT LOOKED AS IF THE GOOD GUYS HAD IT IN THE BAG UNTIL THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE CAME FLYING INTO THE BATTLE IN A SCENE MORE EPIC THAN THE BATTLE IN THE LORD OF THE RINGS THEY DESTROYED EVERYTHING IN THEIR PATHS.
AND THEN JESUS
JESUS LOL, JESUS CAME. USING HIS EXPERTISE IN CRAFTSMANSHIP AND STUFF HE BUILT WEAPONS FOR ME AND MARCUS AND CAPTAIN PLANET AND STUFF, EVERYONE EXCEPT THE ASIAN KID BECAUSE HE HAD WATERGUNS AND COOL SHIT ALREADY.
it was no use though, the four horsemen of the apocalypse were destined to win this battle but not the war, or at least thats what jesus is telling us up in here heaven, lol.
So obv jesus retreated knowing the end of the story and stuff, he raptured me and marcus into heaven and we lived happily ever after. I gotta admit though, captain planet is fucking annoying i wish he would have been a zombie.
"JUST WAIT UNTIL 1000 YEARS FROM NOW, I'LL GET YOU, OH I'LL GET YOU." God murmured as he drank his herbal green tea. It's funny though cause I don't really know what's gonna be different in a thousand years but apparently shits gonna go down. Anyways
::
2008 21 August :: 11.31pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: I Wanna Know What Love Is - Richard Marx
Happenings As Of Late...
I've been really, really depressed lately. Kelly time is in need, imho.
So, there's this guy that comes through my line every single day I work, and he's always flirted with me and stuff, and just to be nice and whatever, I kind of do it back. Just like meaningless shit, laughing at his lame jokes, etc. Well, tonight he asked me out. The scenario goes as follows:
Larry: So do you drink coffee?
Me: Omg yes, lots.
Larry: Well... do you want to get some with me one of these mornings?
Me: Well that would be fun and all, but I have classes starting up and I go in the mornings so that's out. Sorry!
Larry: I'll assume you eat then?
Me: ...Yeah.
Larry: Well then how about dinner with me next night you're off?
Me: I'm sorry but that can't really happen, as flattered as I am, cause I've got a boyfriend. Sorry, but thank you for the offer!
Larry: Yeah, that does put a damper on things I would guess.
Me: *fake laugh* Depends on your outlook, cause where as I don't get a free dinner, I do have a guy that loves me at home. And you're saved the cost of buying me dinner... and dessert, cause I totally love dessert.
Larry: Hmm that is true. Alright, have a nice night.
Me: You too.
Yup. Did I mention he's got four kids as well? One older than me? Yeah. It was super awesome.
Anyway, that was the craziest thing ever, but my night was psychotic. My de-activator went out on register three, where I was, so I had to go to register two. Then like 45 minutes before I go home, my printer goes out, so I have to go to register one. We were short a cashier and it was insanely busy, so I was havening to get change like all night, which I hate requesting for whatever reason. There were TONS of WIC check outs, which is fine, they just take forever and make my IPH go down which sucks.
/end.
Anyway, yeah. That's like... all. Ooh apparently Kelly got me a present! I wanna know what it is, but he's a bottombrain and refuses to spill. That's fine, but it's like another month before he's here and I have that long to sit and think about what the hell it could be. I'm not good with surprises =(
But yeah, I love him!! Gah. So damn cute.
::
2008 18 August :: 3.14pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Fuck Her Hard - Tenacious D
Uh.... My day off and I spent it up until early afternoon in bed with a horrible headache. I finally made myself get up and take something and get a shower, which made me feel kind of better. Then I cleaned. And cleaned. And cleaned some more. I haven't gotten the kitchen finished, but like... I don't want to. I did the dishes, but the cabinets and the stove needs bleached down, which I have no intentions of doing.
Um... yeah. Today is pretty boring. I'm watching Tenacious D shit though, which is awesome. So that's all for now.
::
2008 17 August :: 11.41pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Smoke On the Water
88
Hmm... school starts in a few days. Not really looking forward to that.
I have tomorrow and Tuesday off, so that's awesome. I'm totally cleaning the house tomorrow though, while everyone is at work, because it's nasty. The floors are disgusting, and it makes me sad. I also need to go to the laundromat and do our laundry. Stacey, our maintenance man, hasn't gotten our washer and dryer hook ups fixed yet, and we need them desperately.
Other than that.... nothing really. Kelly's coming on the 16 of September, Jacob gets back home in September = good times. I'm really excited, but then I don't have time to really think about it. It's weird.
Anyway, I'm gonna go play Cody (Jakes step-brother) at Guitar Hero. He freaking plays on Expert and I'm just now making myself learn Hard. It'll be fun times.
::
2008 13 August :: 1.24pm
:: Music: Loser - 3 Doors Down
Mert...
Nothing's really happened. I hate work. I don't want to go back tomorrow, but what can ya do? Like it's honestly not that bad, but then I think about how much I hate standing in one spot (for the most part) for eight hours. My feet hurt so bad all the time from just standing there. That's only that part of it, I have bruises all over and look like a freak... anyway I just HATE cashiering. People are assholes.
Plus, I want an effing check. I don't get paid until the 22nd. I picked the wrong week to friggin start working, no lie. It should be a nice check though, seeing as how it was three weeks worth.
Hopefully I'll get into my schedual pretty soon because I'm dying.
Jake's moved in finally. He asked me to sleep upstairs with him last night, his first night sleeping up there, because it's haunted. No shit, it's scary. We were up all night talking and freaking out because we kept hearing weird things.
He's quickly turning into an even better friend, he's super easy to talk to. It's cool, and we have a ton of shit in common. Plus he can play the shit out of a guitar which is effing awesome.
Ashley's pissed off though, because he and I hang out more than he does with her... she's crazy though. Idk, it makes me feel bad but I'm not going to just shut him out because of it.
Work, home, and <3
As Kell said, super busy with work. I had an hour and a half of shadowing someone before they threw me on a register and left me to my own devices. I made quite a few stupid errors, but I kept the CSM's with something to do... heh. I'm sure they hate me, but they didn't act like it. Everyone knows me through my mom so it's cool. I've got like a little, "you're cool so we won't be assholes" pass. Kthx mom.
Uh, Sam was a dumb bitch and decided not to move in because Jake's moving in and she fears people will look at her as though she were a whore. WTF on that one. Living with one man and three different girls is NOT going to make a whore out of you, but whatever, no one really liked her anyway so it's for the best.
It kind of sucks that the bills will be split between four people again, rather than five, but we'll make do.
The only other thing that I got is holy fuckin shit, Kelly's coming down!!!!
I'm super ecstatic.
Oh, and my feet hurt like a bitch. I gotta get some new, comfy shoes :s
::
2008 2 August :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
Powerade pwns so hard.
I am very... content, I guess, atm.
Lacey's out on a "date" with a married man whom she met online; he drove down to see her. I don't know what exactly to say about that. It was fun though, she's the first of us to have a date so we were going through all of our closets, looking for cute things for her to wear.
Ashley and Jake (who's probably moving in with us) have been like sleeping together. It's weird, they've not had sex or anything, but they both like each other. However, Jake has a girlfriend, one of which he doesn't really care for, he just likes teh secks. He claims he doesn't want another girlfriend, but he really likes Ash... it's all confusing.
I kind of feel left out. Like, I have a stable relationship and so I just get to sit back and watch the other two act all giddy over a million different guys. I'm kind of like the odd ball out, so to speak.
Not that I'm complaining, really, I fucking love Kelly to death. What I'm trying to say is that for like the first time I'm the one who's grounded and sure of myself, sure of my goals and asperations, and the others, who are all older than me, aren't. It feels kind of nice.
I start work Tuesday morning at nine. They keep changing it, so it might change again.
Other than that... well, there's not really much more than that. Life is good, the relationship is going fantastically. I'm happy. I haven't been this happy in a long time, and it feels very nice.
::
2008 31 July :: 11.24pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: Sarah Yellin' - 3 Doors Down
Stuffs...
Kelly and I didn't really get to talk tonight; he had a match and conversation kept me busy and away from the computer. I hope it's not always like that, but yeah... kind of don't see it any other way, unless I just outright ignore everyone and everything going on. Totally possible, btw. It's just that right now everythings so new and so we're all talking and shit, trying to figure each other out. Very enjoyable, too.
I guess I start work Monday... or something. I don't really know. I'll find out tomorrow. If I do I'll be doing 7-4, and all damn day I'll be reading powerpoints and taking tests on them. I'll get paid for it, but it's going to be so fucking boring.
Uh... I was pissed because of a phone situation earlier, (hence the "fuck balls" post), but Lacey said that her mom has a razer at her house that she's trying to get rid of and so I can have it, free of charge. I'll just have to go to Alltel and ask them to transfer my shit to the other. I don't know how well it'll work though. My screen is permanently black. The hinge is broken and so the line for whatever got like cut or some shit. idk, it's fucked up, and it's annoying as hell and it pisses me off. However, it happened and there's nothing I can do about it but bitch, and that's annoying. End of that.
I'm loving the house. Honestly, it's great. I think this is going to be one of those times that you look back on your life, and realize that that was one of the best times you've ever had. It's going to be this, and then moving to be with Kelly. I honestly cannot wait for that. I don't want this to go by too fast, because I know I'm going to enjoy this so much, but seriously... it's fucking time. I love him, and I'm ... Ugh. Just ready. And thinking about him just puts this huge ass dorky smile on my face and I fucking love that even the thought of him brightens my whole day.
I sound like a love struck teen, but hell.... what's so bad about that?
I know I've found "the one" as they're commonly refered to, and it makes me feel like I've finally got a purpose in this life.
Geeze... enough of that from me. I'm happy though =)
