Shoe23
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2003 17 December :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: completely exhausted
:: Music: Switchfoot - Meant to Live
We were meant to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves
Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open
Maybe were bent and broken.
I am so tired I dont even feel like using the shift key... But as you can tell, I am...
Today was really boring at school... I watched X2 and the rest of the hours we just sat in the classroom...
I am somewhat glad we get like two weeks off for Christmas... but then again, I am not. I am going to go crazy in that amount of time... but perhaps, I will be well rested for the first day back, and only that day...
I almost passed out at school, but I got a Mello Yellow and I was okay... as you can tell. It was a little strange.
I... agh... I hate acting "happy"... doesnt it suck? -hmph- I am so tired of living like this, or living at all... So why do I? because I am afraid of losing what I have left...
Because we lost it all, nothing last forever, Im sorry, I cant be perfect, Now its just too late, and we cant go back, Im sorry, I cant be perfect....
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 16 December :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: --------
blah..
I am so fucking tired... the sad thing is, when I go to bed, I still will be tired the following morning... It fucking sucks.. no rest for Amber's body... none.
Ha.. Ellen, I still have not ate.. Only M.D. and Mellow Yellow are keeping me alive.. Im going to pass out and go into a fucking coma or something... ohh well.. maybe they will diognose me with a massively life threatening disease and I will DIE.!.!.
-hmph- Its only Tuesday..... FUCK.
3 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 15 December :: 9.45pm
:: Mood: cranky
Agh... Now what???
Well...the last thing I had left... my car... has just given up on me...
-sigh-...
The one thing I had left... DIED.. -hmph-... What do I do?
I kinda feel bad for my dad.. he has been up all day, and now he has to work all night.. he has to be up all day tomorrow while the guy works on my car...
I am suprised I wasnt yelled at, and threatened with my life... but I wasnt. I wish they would have just killed me... That is the fucking happy thought of the day...
-sigh- Atleast Ellen was with me... She kept me sane.. but, perhaps, I drove her insane, or the rest of the way there...
Agh.. If there is anything else that could fall apart in the next few days... be sure to let me know if you find out before me.. so I can prepare myself...
And -sigh- my dads truck... Fucking tailgate is screwed the fuck up... all of this shit happening because of my car that I once thought was so special, and once were proud of owning...
Shit... EVERYTHING is now SHIT... Everything..
-hmph-
My nerves are fucked up... Perhaps I should go to bed...
4 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 14 December :: 9.00pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
hmph...
I dont know... I just dont know a damn thing anymore. I am also unable to say what I feel currently.
I will just sit here and wonder, what might have been, for the rest of my days.
5 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 14 December :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: Disturbed
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Why can't you just fuck off and die
Agh... Fuck..
Yes...FUCK...Everything. Its much easier then.
I am so fucking tired of every fucking thing. Everything is fucked up... because I made it fucked up... I will be the first to admit, I fucked up my own life... Its all my fucking fault. I blame me.... I am so fucking confused....
Im sorry you have to be around my fucking pathetic shit.
Fuck .M.E.
Fuck .R.E.L.I.G.I.O.N.
Fuck .L.I.F.E.
Fuck .H.A.P.P.I.N.E.S.S.
Fuck .L.I.G.H.T.S.
Fuck....Y...O...U...
I think that went really well... Dont you think?
3 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 14 December :: 1.12pm
Evanescence - Going Under
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming Deceiving and Bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Blurring and Stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowing in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 14 December :: 12.55pm
:: Mood: indifferent
Fuel - Wont Back Down
I know what darkness means
(and the void you learned from me)
The isolation steams
(So I think it wants to bleed)
The echoes in my brain
(All the things you said to me)
You took my everything
Now I'm coming for you!
I won't back down
I will not bow
I've come to bring you hell
I can’t forget
Things you did
I've come to bring you hell
The shadows that you see
(In the places that you sleep)
Are memories of me
(Better pray your soul to keep)
The truth behind your eyes
(You know the thing you never see)
Your darkest little lies
I'm coming for you!
All the scars that never heal
All the wounds that will not seal
I will not forget the day
These memories never fall
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 14 December :: 12.45pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Switchfoot
More than fine...
When I wake in the morning,
I want to blow into pieces.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.
When I'm up with the sunrise
I want more than just blue skies.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.
I'm not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.
I'm not giving up, giving up, not backing down.
More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.
When I'm wet with the sunshine.
I want more than just a good time.
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.
I'm not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.
I'm not giving up, giving up, not selling out.
More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.
More than fine, more than bent on getting by.
More than fine, more than just ok.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 13 December :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: self-injuring
:: Music: Staind - Mudshovel
Im sorry...
God damn it... Im sorry... for asuming things... and asking questions.. fuck... I need to learn to not say anything, everything just gets fucking ruined...
Maybe it is better if no one knows me and I know no one else... then everything wouldnt get fucked up...
I dont mean to be rude, or nosy, I just wish I could help, the best of intentions with the worst of outcomes... EVERY FUCKING TIME... yeah.. I am shutting my fucking mouth now...
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 13 December :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Simple Plan - Perfect
Seether - Out of my way
I can’t pass up this opportunity to make myself absurd,
I can’t pass up this opportunity to make myself be heard.
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me lose this all,
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me fall.
You like to think the worst is over now, but you cant breathe at all
You like to think you’re owed a favor now, man you’ve seen it all
Did you, want to, be the one who pushed me off the wall,
Did you, want to, be the one who let me fall.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 13 December :: 6.20pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Switchfoot - Meant to live
Im going under... falling forever...
Im unsure what to write about... and I'm sure you dont care.
I want to get my lip pierced... possible? No..
hey dad look at me, think back and talk to me, did I grow up according to plan?
psh... fuck you, "DAD" is thats what your title is supposed to be to me...
I am slowly pulling away from everyone that expects me to be someone im not... I am glad, until they "sit me down, for a talk"... the whole "Now, Amber..." thing with a long speech about how they think we should be close...
Fuck You... I dont want to be close to you.. you are all fucking failures living a fake life... and that, now is what I am doing... Grow up with no one knowing... live with no one knowing... the truth..
No.. I..*sigh* will just stay with my few friends, my darkness, and my anti-social life... It accually... halfway works... Its fairly simple.. everyone involved in it, I believe, I can trust.. and I can be...myself without hiding.
So fuck all you want me to be... because you are who made me not want what you want. I want nothing to do with you, or anything related. Not one god damn thing.
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I’ll heal you in me
You’re out of luck - can’t get a piece of me
It’s all blown up. Don’t even fuck with me.
I cannot please you all forever
I cannot please you at all
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 13 December :: 2.57pm
:: Mood: apathetic
Hold On...
This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
You're mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to no more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to no more
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on
What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 12 December :: 9.45pm
:: Mood: bored
Jesus Fucking Christ
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 12 December :: 7.10pm
:: Mood: normal
:: Music: Fuel - Falls on me
LMAO... ha
In like 6th grade, when I still rode the bus like most normal kids.. We were coming home one day and we passed a cemetary with a visible outhouse.. and I told Terri that an old man lived in there... lol.. and I made her believe it. I told her the guy buried his clothes in various areas of the lawn... lol because there was no where else to put them... and that he came out at night and took care of the cemetary yard... like mowed it and everything at night... and apparently I was the only person who knew this... lol.. Where did my creativity go??? Its fucking hilarious... I never imagined anyone believing that... ha... Sorry Terri for taking advantage of you... but it is still funny as hell...
I [heart] you Ellen... I will put a page in the yearbook, just of a picture of you!
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 11 December :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: amused
ahh commercials....
I saw the funniest commercial ever tonight.... Its for Outback Steak House and It shows this tiny dog running on a treadmill... It is fucking hilarious... lol I laughed for like 10 minutes over that....
The new Subway commercials... "I pulled the second ripcord. Nothing. So I thought to myself...'What would Jared do?'" [switch to Jared] "AGHHHHHHHHH!".... ha...
And the one with the guy in the cheerleading outfit, washing the car.... ha... "It's ok, I had subway."
lmao.... ha...
ohh...yes, and the KFC commercial... where the dude is setting in the back of his truck...eating chicken... friend walks by "hey...is that you"... other guy keeps eating... "Have you lost weight?" no... " where have you been keeping yourself...?"...ohh nowhere...just eatin chicken... "Eatin chicken?" ... yeah..eatin chicken...
lmao...
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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