Shoe23
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2003 6 November :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Creed - Higher
incompetency.......taking place around and inside me every day....
Me: "That clock blinked off when I walked by it"
Grandmother: "Amber, all of the lights blinked"
Me: "Oh, Ok"
My stupid moment of the day.......
Only Living To Die.......I would suppose that is a good description for some......If only the "dying" part were not so distant that would be a good definition of me as well.....Everything I do contradicts my future anyway so why not want to die before everything else falls a fucking part.
I hate Breathing.
I hate Smiling.
I hate Brightness.
I hate Stupidity.
I hate Eating.
I hate........everything, except......
Ellen, Amber K., Ashley, Going to breakfast with Ellen, Being Alone, Dripping Blood, Mrs. Hutton, Music, Drawing, Potentially Dangerous Objects, and Rain.......
Sometimes there are other things I dont hate like.........Angie, Toby, Activity, Driving, Playing Drums, and Punching things.......
I am done complaining now.......
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 5 November :: 7.55pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Linkin Park - Crawling
*yawning*
Thanks for your new journal Ellen. I'm sorry for being so mean to you all the time. I didnt realize I was mean....my bad. Lemme know if I ever say anything to hurt you, I would never intend to do it on purpose.
I am becoming more emotionless and mean. I was just sarcastic but now I often catch myself saying things I really shouldnt have. I dont know why, but I am taking everything out on everyone around me, well alot of shit anyway........sorry everybody.
I scared Kim yesterday when I told her I didnt believe in God.
In Mr. Cook's class something brought up Babylon and I started laughing...
Kim: "What is Babylon"
Me: "A Place In The Bible"
Kim: "Then what is wrong with it"
Me: *turns around*
Kim whispering to Angie..."Whats wrong with the bible"
Me: *turns back around* "I dont believe in God"
Kim: *jaw drops* looks at Angie "She Doesnt?"
Angie: "No"
Kim: *turning slowly* looks back at me in complete shock and still not knowing what Babylon is...........
lol.....It was one of those things you had to be there to catch the amusement......it was pretty funny.
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 4 November :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: enthralled
Ellens Journal is Gone.........:(
Linkin Park
Part Of Me
Part of me won’t go away
Everyday reminded how much I hate it
Weighted against the consequences
Can’t live without it so it’s senseless
Wanna cut it out of my soul
And just live with a gaping hole
Take control of my life
And wash out all the burnt taste
I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low ‘cause it’s part of me
Ya hardly see right next to the heart of me
Heard of me the routine scar
New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I’m sick of this
I can’t stand the sandpaper thoughts that grade away on my sanity
I rather not even be then the man that’s staring in the mirror through me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me
It can’t be frightening if you’ve never felt it
Once it’s been dealt with you feel like you’ve been touched by something angelic
And then melted down into a pool of peace
Cease to be the animal you used to be
Remove the broken parts you know were wrong
And feel the karma when the problem’s all gone
And then you start to see another piece of yourself that you can’t let be
And that reason’ll last fight to free yourself
Take it to the depths of the bottom of the well
And now you know you can choose to lose the part in your heart
Where your insides bruise
You can live if you’re willing to
Put a stop to just what’s killing you
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me
(Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams away silently
This part of me won’t go away, part of me won’t go away
Everywhere I look around I see how everyone ought to be
Every time I see myself there’s always something wrong with me
Everywhere I look around I see how everyone ought to be
Every time I see myself there’s always something wrong with me)
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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shoe23
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2003 3 November :: 4.57pm
:: Mood: enraged
:: Music: Ozzy Osbourne - I Dont Wanna Change The World
hmm....
Damn....I am glad today is over. I hated today.
When people are happy in the morning is pisses me off....alot.
I dont wanna change the world, I dont want the world to change me.......
I.......hmm.....isnt it weird when you get stuck staring at one thing for like 30 fucking seconds....its strange as hell...its like a sleeping mode with your eyes open.
I am rambling.....
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 30 October :: 11.31am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Trapt - Echo
Whats up ang....too my right.....kim....to my left.
You guys reading my journal thing here......
I hate this computer typing shit....grr....it makes me really mad because its really really dumb.
So I guess I should go finish it so I dont have to complain any longer.....peace out ya'll.....have a good day.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 29 October :: 7.33pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
Today was a bad day. Everything is just......wrong. I am pretty much speachless about how this week has gone...I dont really know what to think about or do.
I need something to do on Halloween. I've not done anything since I was like 10, which of course was Trick or Treating. I think Im a little old for that, just an assumption.
I...........dont know.
I like this song......blah blah blah......I trust the way they fill their minds......Thats the only line I can understand.
*sigh*
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2003 28 October :: 6.06pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Seether - Driven Under
Staind - How about you
If someone else showed you the way
Would you take the wheel and steer?
It hurts me that you're not ashamed
Of what you're doing here
If they jumped off a bridge
Would you meet them on the ground?
Or would you try to claim
That it never made a sound?
Everyone plays the hand they're dealt
And learns to walk through life themselves
Not everything in life is handed on a plate
When people think your words are true
It doesn't matter what you do
I sold my soul to get here
How about you?
So you choose to force your hand
What a strange way to make friends
And you always change the rules
So the drama never ends
And you blindly go through life
Judging only by its worth
Just try not to forget
That the meek inherit earth
So please don't take offense
This is just a point of view
'Cause I'm the only one who
Will say these things to you
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 28 October :: 5.50pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Seether - Fine Again
I hate.......everything.
Today sucked, my fucking parents ask too many god damn questions. I HATE QUESTIONS......you would think they would figure that out when i give them a smart ass answer. My dad thinks im fucking in a bad mood, what the fuck ever, he is just a fucking dick.
Damn..........*sigh* today is hopefully ending soon.........I just feel like crawling in a secluded place and dying.
You take away....I feel the same
You take away....I feel the same
All the promises you made to me are made in vain
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again
Cause you can feel my ANGER
You can feel my pain
You can feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring only pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again
.......good song.......good song......
Well I dont know what to say
Because theirs truth to what you say
I know it kills you im this way
Theres something different every day
Could it be that...I never had the chance to grow inside
Could it be that...My habit is to find a place to hide
Could it be that...sometimes I say things just to dissapear
Could it be that...im only being me
.....I love that song....part of it reminds me of a dear friend saying something to me....you know who you are....
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 22 October :: 9.00pm
:: Mood: quixotic
:: Music: Again & Again - Taproot
Hello, to the one person who reads my journal, or atleast the only one who says anything.
So how was today Ellen? I didnt get to set by you at lunch, but thats okay, i just set there anyways.
There are so many quixotic people in our school. I want to obliterate them, all of them.
I want my own insignia. I need someone to make me one. Then I can write it all over everything.
Is school considered an ecclesiastical place?
It seems as if I have something to do, maybe I should go see, bye to the one person who will read this........I lovers you!
6 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2003 17 October :: 10.00pm
:: Mood: jubilant
:: Music: Wake Up - 3 Days Grace
| day at school: | I cried, my best friend left me in the hall. | | kiss: | French......agh. | | girlfriend/boyfriend: | lol...way back when, thats out of my memories. | | time getting high: | at my house, it was strange. | | time drinking: | that was when i was like 4, I was a little alcoholic. | | date: | to a bluff, we sat on the edge and well...... | | time having sex: | um, im my grandparents house, B-word was "oversized" | | time you asked someone out: | I never have asked. | | time you ate sea food: | umm, along time ago, i dont remember. | | time getting in trouble for something really big: | never really have, never been in "TROUBLE" | | detention: | when I wrote a letter with a cus word in 1st grade. | | time getting a filling: | two years ago, it felt cool. | | fist fight: | only punched him, he didnt get to fight me. | | time you cut yourself: | umm, on purpose, last year, i think. | | questioned existance: | prolly about when i was 8 or so. |
Tell me about your first.. brought to you by BZOINK!
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 17 October :: 9.50pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Lies - Korn
| Have you ever hit someone forcefully?: | yes, in the nose. | | Have you ever thrown anything at a moving car?: | yes, fireworks. | | Have you ever been in a fist fight?: | no. | | Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?: | yes, many times. | | Have you ever hit an animal on the road?: | yes, a bird. | | Have you ever seen a Beatles film?: | no, i dont believe. | | Have you ever cussed?: | yes, only on occasion though. | | Have you ever been on a subway?: | no. | | Have you ever taught a little kid to cuss?: | no, a bird however.... | | Have you ever cheated on a test/exam?: | yes, many times. | | Have you ever skipped school?: | no, i go every damn day. | | Have you ever egged someones house?: | no, but my house has been egged. | | Have you ever gotten a computer virus?: | yes, that computer is now in the computer graveyard. | | Have you ever cried for no reason at all?: | yes, all the time. | | At last but not least, have you ever missed someone?: | yes, i miss alot of people. |
Have You Ever? brought to you by BZOINK!
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 16 October :: 3.41pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Figure 8 - TRUSTcompany
| ~*Random*~ | | College you currently/plan to attend: | OTC | | Favorite band: | Linkin Park | | Cheech or Chong?: | Cheech | | Metallica - yes or no?: | Yes | | It's Lars, isn't it?: | Larz | | Random palindrome: | modnar | | Who's Chino Marino?: | The Deftones Lead Singer | | What does CCR stand for?: | Central Contractor Registry | | Virgin?: | No | | Favorite Author: | Dont Know | | Dave Matthews Band- yes or no?: | No | | Will I hold you again?: | ummm......? | | eBay - like or dislike?: | its ok | | What does CPR stand for?: | CardioPulmonary Resuscitation | | Hank Williams, Sr. or Hank Williams, Jr.?: | Neither | | Favorite color(s): | Red and Black | | Favorite CD: | I like mix's | | Clear or white glue?: | white | | Favorite food: | crackers | | Herbivore, Carnivore or Omnivore?: | i dont like food. | | Republican or Democrat?: | Neither, I prefer just for the person. | | What do you want to do for a living?: | Floral Designer | | Do you like our current president?: | Not really | | Turn-on(s): | dont need any, dont have any | | When do you want to get married?: | whenever I find someone that is right | | Do you love them?: | them who? | | Why?: | for the hell of it. | | Do you smoke?: | No, gross | | Turn-off(s): | smoking, stupidity, severe ugliness, cleanliness is a must. |
psycho-sloth #1 brought to you by BZOINK!
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 16 October :: 3.33pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: For Whom the Bell Tolls - Metallica
~*Where...*~
| Were you born?: | Osceola, Mo. | | Do you want to die?: | I dont care | | Were you happiest when you were little?: | I was just happy | | Were you happiest during your teenaged years?: | no where's, when im with a good friend. | | Are you happiest now?: | With Ellen, anywhere | | Do you fear being?: | Around People | | Is fancy bred? In the heart or in the head?: | both? | | Would you go if you could go anywhere?: | Into a mountain dew bottle. | | Would you go if you could go anywhere in the continental US?: | Michigan | | Do you want to be married (if you do.)?: | If I ever get that involved I dont care. | | Can you concentrate best?: | In my bedroom. Good Environment | | Do you like to eat most?: | Whenever Im not around people | | Do you like to be touched?: | NO TOUCHING | | If you're touched, causes you to freak out?: | The Back of my leg. |
Where... brought to you by BZOINK!
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 15 October :: 1.17pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
:: Music: Poem - Taproot
My cousin told me a 13 year old likes me......lol, how funny are little people. Ohh and to top it off, he is the guy that asked me to have one of everything cherry in the concesion stand.......stupid little freak.
Damn, I found out I have a C+ today.....grr....I have to get good grades. Maybe I can bring it up, its only because I got a 66 on a test to maybe........
small reflection
of when we were younger
we had it all figured out
we had everything covered
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2003 14 October :: 8.00pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Headstrong - Trapt
brrrr its hot
I cant believe I said that......how strange.
I just had a good talk with someone who cares! Imagine that, someone caring these days, how rare.
"I wont give everything awayyyyyyy"
Nikki called me last night, told me stuff about stuff. She asked me why I didnt do anything with her and I told her that I didnt do anything with anyone. Is that not the truth? Ohh well....whatever happens with that happens.
"Shout Shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without, come on, im talking to you so come on, shout shout let it all out, these are the things i can do without, come on, im talking to you, so come on"
Hmm..........
I got to the M's in my dictionary today. I read alot, but I dont think im learning anything, Im gonna have to read it like 5 more times to learn some stuff.
I need to go shower, for like the 4th time today. Its also time for my nightly ritual that Ellen doesnt like. But its ok, Its not like I try to kill myself, they are only tiny Ellen, if you want me to prove how small they are I will show you. Just let me know.
Man its hot. I dont know why, I was cold like two seconds ago, now my face is all red and burning up maybe im having 16 yr old hot flashes!.....
psychoneurosis: a neurosis based on emotional conflict in which an impulse that has been blocked seeks expression in a disguised response or symptom
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
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