why am i still awake? i feel really weird..................................
i'm watching like the dumbest show ever. and i dont want to go to work tomorrow. and i feel sick.
this lady started crying...a client that comes in all the time at work the other day. she like started crying and i felt so bad for her and i'm just like um you want a hug.... i felt really bad awwwwwwwww
I have been working out every day for the past week. Its exciting and stuff. Ashley and I do a class for an hour, lift weights for a half hour, then swim for a half hour. Needless to say, it kicks my ass, but I feel better already. Hopefully I will see results eventuly. Lord knows I feel them. lol
Also, not only do I love Eagles of Death Metal, QOTSA and Desert sessions, I'm now really into Kyuss. Good stuff man.
I HATE MY JOB BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR EMPLOYEES WHATSOEVER. I JUST WORKED UNTIL MIDNIGHT AND THEN ATTEMPTED TO DRIVE HOME IN THIS AWFUL HORRIBLE HORRIBLE WEATHER. i swear to you people, you could NOT see a THING not a thing@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just pure white that's all you can see. it was the scariest thing ever i'm not kidding. i called roman and he didn't have his phone, i called jess, and i then i called my mom and woke her up i was crying saying i dont know what to do i dont know what to do becaue you couldn't even tell if you were on the road or driving into someoen's front yard seirously!!! you cludln't see anything and traffic lights were out and omg
taht seriulsy i think wwas the scariest thing i have ever done. ahhhh thanks mom for hleping me get home lol
i had a bunch of weird dreams last night. the one that sticks out to me in particular is the one where i was with emily, (i can't remember what we were doing) and i got a loose tooth. but we were running around, trying to get shit done, and all of a sudden i pulled it out. it didn't hurt, but it was absolutely MAMMOTH, and it left a bunch of chunks in my mouth, which i then had to spit out, which struck me as odd. but apparently nobody else found it bizarre that a 21 year old had just lost his tooth, and so the dream just kept right on cruising.
i ran into a bunch of problems with my film project yesterday. i'm kinda pissed, but i'll get over it. hopefully i finish in time.
and i resolved to call up on my W-2s and see where the hell they're at, like a responsible person, and the people all said that i wouldn't have them until the first week of february. fuckers. way to wait until the last possible second.
so then i was like, "well, i'll do as much of the fafsa as i can without my tax info," but noooo, the fafsa website had to go and crash on me too.
i swear to god. it's like a sign telling me that i'm supposed to give up. because every time i try, i get pushed aside or yelled at or in some way usurped, and i'm just fucking tired of it. i'm losing sleep, having weird dreams, freaking out on people that don't deserve it.
crazy ass shit
this is ridiculous. nothing is working out cleanly or adding up evenly.
which means the great sheep in the sky didn't like my emo entry about how i'm pissed at it. but i'm not pissed anymore. so it should be nice to me and make the stars align once again.
i'm sorry, oh aviary ovine! i didn't mean to upset you. may your wool grow long and thick! and may your first child be a masculine child! i suck at forcing things to work. which is why it's so much more pleasant for everyone involved when you make things line up properly, so i don't have to mash them together in my rudimentary way.
that would be super-duper.
p.s.
basically, all this means is that i had avoided making plans so we could go get the car tomorrow, but they never confirmed with me, so i had this empty day ahead of me, with a shit-ton of stuff to get done, and a couple of hours ago, bruce called me and said, "so, you busy tomorrow?"
and then this weekend, kristi was like "so you wanna go to president's ball?" and i was like "yeah, that'd be fun!' but it turns out that it's the weekend of winter camping.
so, i'm fucking retarded, and the world hates me. scheduling conflicts galore, and my laziness has placed me squarely behind the eight ball in so far as the amount of shit that needs to be accomplished within a certain time frame.
so i actually feel like i can be a nurse. i'm liking my classes better and understanding stuff. because the program is so new and my school is so small, i have my classes with basically all the same 30 people because that is how many people got accepted into the program. i'm realkzing that i am just as smart as these people and they are struggling in areas just like i was/am. so yay.
we dont get to disect cadavers. we only get to disect cats but oh well. i guess we can learn more because we can disect them more where as with cadavers-because so many people have to use them and they have to last a whole year, you can only do a little.
i can't type well beause i have fake nails on. i haven't got my naisl done in like 2 years but i really wanted to last week so i got acrylilics on. just a frech manicure. not like i sued to get.
roman and i are doing so well. when we first moved in together we had this period of like 2 months where we fought really bad like we'd be fine and then fight fine and then fight but we have really gotten over that ---well i mean, obviously since that was a long time ago but my point is ...we hve just grown from it all and i'm really happy.
we are probably going to florida to visit his gramma and have soem fun for our spring breaks. the bad part is that are spring breaks aren't at the same time and so i might not be able to ugugghghgh but that would really suck because my birthday is during his spring breeak so if he went and i didn't i'd be all alone on my bday.
i can't believe i'm gonna be 20 ..that seems so old! weird.
roman and i were talking about the wedding which was supposed to be in may 2009 but the more we talked about it. the more we thought it would be a smart idea to just wait until we were done with college completely.
addison might stop by later. it's been a fun weekend. too bad i didn't get any work done, and now all i want to do is sleep and watch movies. the side effects of michigan winter.
wedding planning is in full effect, i just cant wait until it all just comes together. i have had dreams of it for the last week, all cause i have so much going through my head and i am so happy...
i dont think my life has been so good in a long time. im the happiest i have ever been, it makes me look back on high school and see how stupid i was, how dumb some of the decisions were. but now i just see my future being bright, and my life being just ok, and that is fine with me.
why the hell do you do this to me? what have i done to earn such torment?
is this all for my personal growth? one of those life-lessons where the pain is just part of the process - to progress?
well fuck that. it's like when you go weightlifting. you're supposed to be sore the next day. you rip your muscles, they repair, they get stronger. but if you overwork them, they rip too far, they have a much harder time repairing, and ultimately don't get any stronger. they just get miserable for awhile.
now, i'm not saying i'm miserable. and there's no REAL reason for me to hurt. and i'm not even sure hurt is an adequate term. but at the very least, it's difficult for me to cope with all of the different situations and expectations that i find myself in. and i get so sick and fucking tired of people thinking i'm awesome, me knowing i'm not, and then me disappointing them because i suck. and then i'm like "no, chris, the only reason you suck is because you tell yourself that. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. so, all you need to do is just say that you don't suck, believe all of these people, because they're obviously right, and just go out and do the best you can do." and after i give myself this little pep talk, not only to i fail, although maybe not quite as badly as before, but i get the added perk of having all the people who just got done telling me not to sell myself short, telling me how badly i just fucked up, and they never would have thought it possible.
i didn't fuck it up on purpose just to prove something to all the people who believed in me. i didn't try not to fuck it up just to prove something to the non-believers, with the exception of myself. so why can't i just be content to fuck things up, have everyone else be fine with that too, and make six figures doing it? i see no flaw in that plan whatsoever.
but all i can figure, after all of these mixed signals you've given me, is that you aren't my homeboy, you're not trying to help me grow as a person, you're just fucking with my program, because it's fun. it's like feeding peanut butter to a dog. they trust you. they have faith in you. then you do something wholly unpleasant to them, merely for your own amusement. you are a saucy minx who likes toying with my emotions, and i honestly don't know how much longer i can cope with that. not that i really have a choice in the matter. but i seriously question how long it will take for me to get so disenchanted that i just give up and lie there, because i'm all out of other ideas, and i'm too tired to think of anything new.
i'm just grumpy and unappreciative. i'm sure it's just a phase, it will pass, and you will be understanding again. but for right now, fuck you. because it's still mean as hell to let me do this to myself.
Locked my keys in my car today.
Lucky for me, the campus police brought a slim jim and unlocked it. I also have gotten my $300 fee waived for moving off campus.
Morning classes suck. But Its not so hard anymore, which is good. At least I dont have any 8am classes.
My roomies and I are signing a lease today/tomorrow for our apartment next year. They are really nice, brand new in fact. Three floors, four bedrooms, three bathrooms, diningroom, kitchen, and livingroom. Its kind of like the apartment I have right now, only better. The best thing about it is they are leasing it for $290 a month, which is amazing because it's basicly on campus. The year after is going to be $360 a month. Woo for me.