where have all the liars gone?

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where have all the liars gone?

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:: 2005 9 July :: 11.03am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: zella mayzell - clatoo vereta nictoo

so i'm trying to figure out what to write. i got my new ACT score back, i got a 24 again, but i got a 29 in reading and science, so i'm happy. apparently i'm in the top 4% of the nation for science, its amsuing. so now my mom is asking me why i got a B in chem all year....yeah, i don't like to do homework. i get my zella mayzell cd sometime next week, i'm excited for that. my brother was asking me if i had talked to andrew anytime recently (andrew is the singer of zella mayzell, he also makes music and other videos) no, i haven't because he has been busy promoting the cd and i've been busy with other random things. also, use this website if you want to know what music i am listening to at the time. its kinda fun. http://www.audioscrobbler.com/user/iamjackssn26/
so since i have to go and mow the lawn, i'll leave you with an elliott smith song which happens to be my voicemail also.

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after
~~we broke up a month ago and i grew up i didn't know~~
i'd be around the morning after
it's always been wait and see
a happy day and then you pay
and feel like shit the morning after
but now i feel changed around and instead falling down
i'm standing up the morning after
situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
and i could be another fool or an exception to the rule
you tell me the morning after
crooked spin can't come to rest
i'm damaged bad at best
she'll decide what she wants
i'll probably be the last to know
no one says until it shows and you see how it is
they want you or they don't
say yes
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after

1 | failed the crash test

:: 2005 6 July :: 3.11pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: coldplay - songbird

so the past few days have been awesome, but i don't feel like writing it out now, because i'm lazy, but i will sometime. what is really amusing is how i have managed to piss of my coach is pretty much every way possible. all the "rules" he told me end of sophomore year track about cross-country, yeah, i've broken pretty much all of them, but i don't care. its too much fun. i'll list the rules that i remember, you figure out which i've broken

1. run all year round
2. don't drink mountain dew
3. don't go to sleep late
4. don't sleep in
5. show up to manditory practice
6. show up to summer and winter practices
7. just plain show up to practice (i added it because i don't go to practice anymore)
8. have 250 miles in before the summer is over
9. be a good example for the underclassmen
10. trust him because he knows what he is doing

i forgot a lot, but you get the idea. my mom knows about all this and was told me "you really are a senior now eric". what is great is that she doesn't care what i do with cross-country. i don't even want to run this year. i'm just using it to keep in shape for track. i'm going to take it slow, relax and enjoy the fall colors when i run.

2 | failed the crash test

:: 2005 5 July :: 1.02pm
:: Mood: mischievous
:: Music: northstar - to my better angel

okay, so i figured i'd write this because i'm a senior now and there are a lot of new people on cross-country. i'll start with the cross-country camps.

coach blunk likes to say that they are fun, they are not. do you like being in your hotel room most of the day with 11 other guys? you will be bored and the most fun you will have is with the other guys and the crazy stuff that happens with that. i hope you're friends with some of them. i hope you like to shave, if you grow facial hair quickly...then you're fucked my friend. coach will not allow you to have any facial hair, i shaved in a sink right before we went running most days. so waking up at 6 in the morning after going to sleep at 1 and having to shave, it doesn't turn out too well. so now i think i'll list somethings that you will miss

1. a hot shower longer than 2 minutes
2. good food - you will eat at the cheapest resturants coach can find
3. your own bed...minus your bedmate - and if he steals the covers...your just plain fucked again.
4. phone calls - if you have a girlfriend, you will miss her because you won't be talking to her for 6 days. (fuck that)
5. privacy - you will be spending a week with 11 other guys, privacy is non-existant. remember, you signed up for this.
6. rest - you will not sleep much, you are running twice a day. if you do fall asleep during the day someone will call your cell phone asking for muhhammad (peronal experience)

the only fun i had was with my friends. i did not have fun when we ran during the runs. i had more fun when we explored shit. you may hear stories about how i almost died like 6-8 times during that week and you will here coach say stuff about how if i didn't have bad luck then i would have no luck at all. think of it this way, i'm still alive mother fuckers, i haven't died yet, nor have i been maimed or disfigured. so i think i've got some pretty damn good luck.

okay, so now i'll write about coach. he coached my dad when he was in high school, my dad graduated in 1981. he uses the same ideas on running that he learned back then, yes they are outdated. ice does not heal all things. nor does streching and icing everything make everything better. rest IS a good thing. 75 miles a week is a bad thing. once you join cross-country, coach expects you to run 365 days. think christmas gives you a day off? nope, coach will give you the "if you were really dedicated" speech. think birthdays are another? no, i had to pack and work on mine and leave after to go to wisconsin. injuries are no excuse either, unless you are fully bedridden, coach wants you running. the only thing coach jokes about is how many laps or minutes you have left, and that shit is not funny. being dead tired is not a good excuse, unless you are about to die from exhaustion, you will have to run or do something. if something bad happens, it is always your fault, you did something wrong, all blame is on you.

failed the crash test

:: 2005 2 July :: 9.12am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: elliott smith - waltz #2

so its july 2nd, and i'm in a hoodie and pants at the moment, because someone has opened up all the windows in my house while i was sleeping, therefore making my house very very cold. not that i don't like the cold, but not when i first wake up, i like to be warm in bed. the past few days have been cool. i ran every morning too, stupid me. i'm taking today off, i'll increase the distance of my run tomorrow. i'll write more later, i need breakfast.

failed the crash test

:: 2005 27 June :: 2.30pm

A - Age you got your first kiss: 16
B - Band listening to right now: portraits of past
C - Crush: yeah
D - Dad's name: enrique
E - Easiest person to talk to: most of my friends
F - Favorite bands at the moment: houston calls, hellogoodbye, zella mayzell
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: bears
H - Hometown: Macomb Township for now
I - Instruments: guitar, piano, tbass, trumpet, synth, drum machine, drums
J - Junior High: kelly middle school
K - Kids: maybe, a lot later
L - Longest car ride ever: 19 hours to way up north, worst car ride was all the way to Kenosha, WI for XC with my coach
M - Mom's name: Teri
N - Nicknames: I have a lot, most relate to me scary people or death
O - One wish: just one?
P - Phobia[s]: I hate clowns, and I hate huge crowds sometimes
Q - Quotes: "shit, i just compared jesus to santa claus, i'm going to hell" there are too many
R - Reason to smile: music, photo, people
S - Song you sang last: Houston Calls - Amtrack Is for Lovers
T - Time you woke up today: 10:20
U - Unknown fact about me: i don't know
V - Vegetable you hate: i really don't know
W - Worst habit(s): saying fuck and shit too much, drinking too much. eric's disease. i'm a sailor at heart, i swear
X - X-rays you've had: ankle, hand, leg, wrist, chest, arm
Y - Yummy food: pizza
Z - Zodiac sign: sagittarius

failed the crash test

:: 2005 23 June :: 11.35pm
:: Music: a new found glory - hit or miss (acoustic)

so its summer vacation now. its been fun. today jeff and i walked to whitney (macomb center) cemetery. it was a long walk and kinda hot. we got some good info and pictures. some scary stuff on the audio tape, i'll update more when we confirm it. i'm tired, i'll write more tomorrow.

failed the crash test

:: 2005 19 June :: 10.23pm

I'm starting this thing back up as my private journal so I can quickly get my thoughts down somewhere instead of trying to remember everything which backfires when I try to remember anything. So...still go away lol.

-Nick

failed the crash test

:: 2005 13 June :: 5.08pm

80 in a 25
this wears out the lying
this tears through the muscle
where is my family?
where is my history?
what truth do i have to defend?

for years i have nurtured pestilence
and fought the air i breathe
the years have left me pestilence
looking to spread this new disease

whether you're for me or against
whether you're with me in defenese
it doesn't matter
tell me it matters
tell me its hurting you as well
seeing the carnage in this
will only make me die a thousand deaths
i'm dying them now
ten at a time
you draw it out
i crossed the line

my eyes
my feet, my will all die down

failed the crash test

:: 2005 12 June :: 9.42pm

Usuals:
Name:: Eric
Age:: 17
Sex:: Male
Height:: 5'5"
Hair Color:: black
Eye Color:: blue
Weight:: 135
Shoe Size:: 9
Favorites: -
Color:: blue
Number:: 26
Letter:: don't know
Animal:: don't know
Weather:: cold/comfortable
Band:: zella mayzell
Artist:: elliott smith
Guitarist:: jesse lacey
Singer:: andrew bowser
Drummer:: brian lane
Key boardist:: the guy from hellogoodbye
Pianist:: billy joel
This/That: -
Pepsi/Sprite: sprite
Outgoing/Shy: shy
Mean/Nice: nice
Depechemode/VnV Nation: depechemode
Pantera/Cannable Corpse: pantera
Guitar/Drums: guitar
Singer/Dancer: singer
Day/Night: night
Sunlight/Moonlight: moonlight
Romantic/Normal: romantic
Freak/Looser: loser
Loner/Popular: loner
Quiet/Loud: quiet
God/Atheist: God
Some more...: -
Do you believe in god?: yes
Why?: because i know he exists
Any Siblings?: yes
How old are they?: 14
Do you like humans?: sure
How about animals?: yeah
Or crayons?: yes
Relationship...: -
B/f Or G/f?: no
Bi, Straight, Gay: straight
Are you single?: yes
Why or Why not?: because i can't find a girl who likes me
Do you love them?: love who?
Do they love you?: no
Have a crush on someone?: no
Have stupid pet names? or have you in tthe past?: no
Virgin?: yes
Have you ever....: -
Had Sex?: no
Killed an animal?: yes
Gone Surfing?: no
Gotten High?: no
listened to a band you hated?: yeah
Kiilled someone?: not yet/not that i know of
Tried?: i can't say
but got caught?: i never get caught
Bunge Jumped?: no
Tried Suicide?: no
Read a very long book... (over 500pg's): reading one now
Kissed someone?: yes
Told someone you loved them, but didn't mean it?: not really
Made out?: yes
Oral?: no
Been called a freak?: yes
Are you one?: i don't know
Had a pet?: yes
What was the pet?: a fish
Do you...: -
Care about anyone?: kinda
Love your enemies?: yes they deserve to die, and i hope they burn in hell
Kill helpless animals?: no
Go to parties every night?: no
Hate posers?: i don't hate people
Beat others up because they are different?: no, i get beat up.

Everything they need to know brought to you by BZOINK!

failed the crash test

:: 2005 10 June :: 11.50pm
:: Mood: working
:: Music: larger than life - rock and a hard place

so i started working with kodalith 8x10 sheets today, its rather cool. i have really big negs now, so i need another englarger and some sheets of rather large photo paper. so earlier today i was on my way downstairs to the darkroom, and erinn IMs me. i listen intently on her current problems, and comment where needed. i guess its a good thing that someone actually trusts me enough to tell them what they are going through in their life and how they are feeling. so after that, i get back to work. my hands and lungs are really starting to hurt from these chemicals. but its my line of work, i have to do what i have to do.

you may never understand the way i felt about you
you may swear its all my fault
i can't tell you i feel so lost without you
its too late now to change your mind

failed the crash test

:: 2005 9 June :: 9.22pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: straylight run - existentialism on prom night

1. reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal

9 | failed the crash test

:: 2005 8 June :: 9.54pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: armor for sleep - awkward last words

i figured i should do an update where i actually write something. so what should i talk about? two days of class left, followed by two days of exams. i got the shit kicked out of me twice, which sucked. i've learned to keep my mouth shut, not say how i feel or to feel anything, things go better this way. i've learned am i incapable of doing pretty much anything correct. i have found that people find value in my ability to play music, which i think is non-existant in myself. i am still contining to try to find a cure to my insomnia that has set in, two weeks so far. hopefully i figure out a cure. i started reading Dante's Inferno, which is pretty good, but rather difficult to read. i started to teach myself formal latin, instead of the broken late latin that i know. i have been listening to a lot of armor for sleep, hellogoodbye and explosions in the sky. sad thing is that some of the songs upset me, it sucks.

experientia docet

1 | failed the crash test

:: 2005 7 June :: 10.22pm

Car Underwater
Believe the news, I'm gone for good.
Call off the search, no one will know that I'm down here
Believe the note I left for you
You can't turn back the clocks, you can't pull me up from here so don't try

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Make time slower, give me longer.
It's too late for me, no one will know that I'm down here.
believe your dreams of me sinking
so far, below, you can't pull me up from here so don't try.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Leave it up to me. to burden you again.
This ones not your fault. Please forgive me.

Leave it up to me. to burden you again.
This ones not your fault. so forget, so forget, so forget me.

Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
just let me go.
don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
just let me go.
don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

and I would still die for you
I would still die for you
and I would still die for you
I would still die for you
and I would still die for you...

failed the crash test

:: 2005 4 June :: 9.58pm

modern american poetry
i can't find the words to tell you
how far down it was when i fell for you
part of me wants this to end soon and part of me just won't agree.
and i frame these thoughts in my mind now
coming back from a long seven hour drive back to this old house
passing endless road signs, and white lines
thinking and driving tends to hypnotize and sometimes blind me.

i can't find the words to tell you
how far down it was when i fell for you
part of me wants this to end soon and part of me just won't agree.

and i sit with my back to the wall once again
thinking about you and what you said once again
passing endless road signs, and white lines
thinking and driving tends to hypnotize and sometimes blind me.
i can't find the words to tell you
how far down it was when i fell for you
part of me wants this to end soon and part of me just won't agree.

(in such a busy world, your smile reminds me that i'll be alright)

(in such a busy world, your smile reminds me that i'll be alright)

can't you see i'm finally coming clean?
and that it makes me wanna go insane?

1 | failed the crash test

:: 2005 29 May :: 11.14am

Figures A And B (Means You And Me)
Present for a presentation presented presently
Theres no i in team no me in us no you in we
I'll write down letters inside letters but i cant let her see
Pass them forward with a foreword they wont mean a thing

Treasure torn out paper from the corner of a page
Measure worn out epigrams for signs of change with age
Figure out that figuratives mark figure a and b
Images i imagened with pretty imagery (means you and me)

(you and me) we could be made for this
(just wait and see) we might be made for this

Its so far away but ive planned a date
And thats at least a start to get inside your heart
It might be you and me oh we could be a team
It might be you and me oh just wait and see

(you and me) we could be made for this
(just wait and see) we might be made for this

failed the crash test

:: 2005 27 May :: 11.27pm

These words of mine are not what you want to hear.
If maybe I hadn't told you how I feel there would be nothing to fear.
But I made the mistake of not keeping my mouth shut
and you never really like me from the start.
I can't take back the things I said and how I feel about you
but i don't think I would even if I could.

I don't see how someone caring about you scares you, but okay, all right.
I'll sleep without you in my dreams tonight.

Tomorrow brings new light, and pictures of your shinning green eyes.

"To the most beautiful girl I know: Oh how I would have loved you so."

Five steps forward and three steps back doesn't get me any closer or any further from you.
I just wish it could be just us two

Sleep alone.

I missed you so (insert name here)

failed the crash test

:: 2005 26 May :: 10.58pm

Bonnie Taylor Shakedown... 2K1
Visit you at baskin robins all the time
To let you know that i am yours and you are mine
So we can take long walks through central park
And hold each others hands to fight the dark

So you know you're never on your own
So you know you're never on your own

My bonnie lies over the ocean
My bonnie lies over sea
And every night at 2 am
I wonder why can't she lie close to me.

I hope you listen to me every night before you go to sleep
And know that someone in HB is thinking of you, Bonnie

Remember all the time you let me walk you to class
And you would kiss my cheek and i'd never have to ask
You're going away in late september
But here's a thanks for a summer i'll always remember.

So you know you're never on your own
So you know you're never on your own

My bonnie lies over the ocean
My bonnie lies over sea
And every night at 2 am
I wonder why can't she lie close to me

failed the crash test

:: 2005 26 May :: 7.15am

I saw it on your keyboard
And you saw it in my eyes
I didn't mean to scare you
You just seem really nice
And when i read it on your keyboard
I knew at least i might just have a chance
To catch a shooting star

failed the crash test

:: 2005 25 May :: 7.13am

I'll give you all I can
A flower and a hand
I hope this helps you see
Signed Sincerely me

1 | failed the crash test

:: 2005 24 May :: 3.20pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: appleseed cast - how life can turn

you ever get to the point where you are like, what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i fuck so many things up? why am i always alone? why does the world seem to be against me? i hate having a broken leg. i'm sick of being in pain. i'm tired of being alone. i hate not being able to sleep without waking up. i'm sick of going to therapy for my leg. i'm tired of being told i'm going to be some track star when i already know i'm not. i'm slightly above the average. i don't deserve the scholarship offers and letters i've been getting.

1 | failed the crash test

:: 2005 23 May :: 7.02pm

i have become what i have always hated.

failed the crash test

:: 2005 23 May :: 5.18pm

Escape
Here's how it goes
you and me
up and down
but maybe this time we'll get it right
worth the fight
for love is something you can't fake
when it breaks
all it takes
is some trying

If you feel like leaving
no, I'm not going to make you stay
Soon you will find that
You can run
You can hide
But you can't escape my love

You should know
Its so hard just to forget the past
So fast and the end
Its good to feel but
Its all it takes
In the end that's all that matters

If you feel like leaving
no, I'm not going to make you stay
Soon you will find that
You can run
You can hide
But you can't escape my love

failed the crash test

:: 2005 23 May :: 3.17pm

If You Wanna I Might
You take a seat right next to me
And I take my lit notes nervously
I've gotta stay calm I just want you to stay
I am always daydreaming
Hoping youve dreamt of the same thing
I've gotta stay calm I don't want this to change

I've been assuming everything
Hoping you'll soon mean everything
I've gotta stay calm I want this to be real
I don't think you're into me
But truely thats okay with me
I've gotta stay calm and find out how you feel

So if you wanna say 'I-I-I like you'
I might feel just like you
If you choose-choose not to
I knew you-you would

Sometimes I think I am out of my league
And then sometimes I think I can dream
Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish
That you choose out of all in the sea

We are non existant
But I'll try to be persistant
I've gotta keep on if want to be close to you
I know you're uninterested
Im probably just some stupid kid
I could give up if you would want me to

failed the crash test

:: 2005 22 May :: 2.37pm
:: Mood: in pain still
:: Music: the midway state - stupid love songs

I had a rather interesting weekend, but I am currently tired and do not feel like elaborating on it at this current time.
I was talking with a friend yesterday while driving to Grosse Pointe which also included an unexpected trip through Detroit. Phone signal sucks down there too.. He was speaking of his friend, and how he, at the age of 24, had had sex with 25 different women. I proceed to ask him what his total is, and he informs me that number stands at 9. Somehow, it doesnt bother me that my number rests at 0, while it bothers other people that they are where they are. I am liking the way the rain looks on the patio outside my window that I am currently looking out of. It has this reflective nature to it. It also reminds me of a song. Save The Day - Banned From Back Porch

My leg continues to bother me, each step is a pain-filled nightmare. I'm getting used to trying not to limp and walk normal. It hurts more but people don't notice. I don't like it when people notice, mostly they say something about me being weak or along those lines or making fun of me. It really is amazing how little people really do care about you. You see when other people are injured, everyone feels sorry for them or tries to make things easier. It doesn't bother me, it just strengthens my resolve to heal quickly and get back to normal, whatever normalacy that is.

3 | failed the crash test

:: 2005 22 May :: 12.44am

tantum dignitas condita vos gauisus
leaves, trees, colors
park benches, sweaters, hugs
crisp days, college football, apples, pumpkins
orange, red, yellow, black, grey
rain, cold, blankets, fireplaces
long drives, notebooks, cameras, orchards
homecoming dances and new romances
first kisses and best wishes
long drives home and hours on the phone
ups and downs and time spent alone
random pictures and quiet whispers

failed the crash test

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