Look at that monster go...

:: 2005 9 February :: 3.18pm
:: Mood: Happy
:: Music: cake--never there

Today was a really good day. I have a B in science for like.. the first time ever, lol. AND the Kuglers hate me!! Why would i want someone to hate me you ask? Well i'll tell you. The Kuglers are manipulating evil skinny bitches and thats all there is to it. But they always talked to me in english and it got annoying. But today i was talkeing to Mike in English and Nicole was talking and being stupid and Mike was like "Can't you just talk to your sister at home?" And she's like "No i never talk to her at home" and i said (quietly i thought, but it must have been loud..) "Yeah, if they were my kids i wouldnt let them talk either" And Nicole was like "You're gonna be sorry for that Mike! And you too nora, you're a bitch!!" And Me and Mike just laughed because her fist is like.. as big as something thats really small... like a grape. So we wandered off and the went about spreading disease or whatever it is they do.. But now i guess they've started spreadng rumors about me or something, but i dont even care. I mean dude, they're just stupid. So that put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. No HW either! And OWL tonight! Yay!!

:: 2005 8 February :: 7.57pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: incubus-- drive

i feel numb.. and i cant explain why. I dont know if this is a good numb or not..

Im feeling stressed about solo & ensemble.. its on saturday.. UGHHHHHHHHHH i frickin hate that song now.. it haunts my dreams.
The tension is mounting.

According to the love calculator Mike Urlacher and i have an 18% percent chance of working out whereas Michael Urlacher and i have a 29% chance of working out... strange.

I feel kinda sick. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

:: 2005 8 February :: 6.26pm
:: Mood: mourning

It was a good day, untill i found out Fabio died.. Now im really sad. I loved him.

Notheing else worht mentioning... happy Mardi Gras... if its today.. ohh who cares? My lover is DEAD!!

:: 2005 7 February :: 6.21pm
:: Mood: onion-y
:: Music: Tool-- aenima

Who knew there was a plus side to having a mute boyfriend? To anyone who ever doubted that fact, its rather OK. You can talk about any subject and they can't stop you! And they dont dis you! Still dont know what to get him fro V-day.. Maybe i'll just breakdown and ask him..
Ashlee came over and i totally won at monopoly! It was sweet.
OMG!! I found the coolest peice of bling ever in the park today. Its a big tacky Africa thing... Cuz im just that cool. Kalli talked to me today.. it was actually pretty weird. And Ghetto McWhatshisface asked me if i was goth. I was like... "what???" Do i LOOK goth? I mean, im wearing a blue shirt, a blue "belty" thing, and colorful beads and earrings... yeah, im goth. Psh..
Thank you to people that wore their seahorse colors. So what if its "pointless", all the cool kids are doing it.. you should too. It actually kind of pissed me off that Mike wasnt wearing any.. I dont like having my role of absolute power questioned. Hee hee.
Mardi Gras tomorrow! I was thinking of giving up the peanut butter M&Ms for lent. Just to see if i could. I mean, im friggin addicted to them!! But i dunno.
My math teacher thought i was catholic cuz i was talking about fat tuesday and stuff.. Hahahahahahaha.... Ohh it was funny.
I SKIPPED 2ND PERIOD!! Just kidding i didnt, it was excused.. but still.

5 white | You should..comment..

:: 2005 6 February :: 6.47pm

EVERYBODY WHO GOES TO LC!!!!

Wear seahorse colors tomorrow!! Its seahorse week! Dont ask questions, just do it. Seahorse colors include...
-Blue
-Coral (its a color i swear!)
-Teal
-some shades of purple

OR ELSE!!!

:: 2005 6 February :: 6.26pm
:: Mood: ashamed

i'm a bad hostess. Sophie came over and all we did was play the sims 2.. Not that theres anything else to do, but i mean, we could have gone shopping or something.. Mike called too and wanted to do something and my people cant drive me due to a certian football game going on.. So i had to say no :(
he didnt believe me that coral is a color.
I'm a bad girlfriend AND hostess. I'll never amount to anything in life.
Just kidding, but still. I feel bad

:: 2005 6 February :: 12.49pm
:: Mood: self concious

I like my body, but i hate my appearance. I have the extierior of a 13 year old boy. .....Or Logan.

:: 2005 6 February :: 9.42am
:: Mood: tired

Yeah so last night was pretty cool... kinda.. I could have saved $10 and hung out with poeple some other time... But w/e. Beaf was the only cool band. Mylestone was.. mylestoney... I dunno, i dont really like them. My throat is really sore now though. And AHHH! I think i have a giant zit! I can feel it... ewwwwwwwww.
Hopefully i can find someone to hang out ith today. I want to watch the superbowl though, Go Eagles!! haha.

:: 2005 5 February :: 3.15pm
:: Music: crossfade-- cold

Yeah, Back from Colville. I didnt have to go but i did because i dunno, my mom really wanted me to. The service was outside and thank god it was short or i would have gotten frostbite. Then we went to some dude's house and at "food". There was like a bajillion old people that were somehow related to me and i only knew my Aunt Donna and Uncle Vern. I think thats who i was talking to.. i dont know. But yeah it was scary. there was a snot nosed eight year old who was the only other person under the age of 85. So i sat in a corner and pretended to look at artwork for a million years untill my mom finally said we could go. Then she had to drive all over the place and show me the house she used to live in and whatnot.
On a different note... Is it mardigras? Superbowl tomorrow!!! Yessss.

:: 2005 4 February :: 10.34pm

its sad that almost all of my entries were about boys.

I'm like a middle school girl.

Someone go buy me a valure jump suit that says "daddy's girl"

That is what middle school girls wear nowadays, right?

1 white | You should..comment..

:: 2005 4 February :: 10.07pm
:: Music: chevelle-- the clincher

Yep i was a bit overdue for a mental breakdown..

I've lost the ability to rhyme. I can only think of random phrases that could have the ability to become poems, but dont. It's like my muses are spiting me by giving me glimpses of the peoms i could be writing.

Best "Phrases" at the moment--
- Silent observer
- Balmy stoat (although this sounds like it should be the name of a tavern..)
- Encourage Pity
- Drowning in a sea of self pity <-- personal fav.
- sterotypical abnormal

Thats the extent of my poetic abilities at the moment.

:: 2005 4 February :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: paranoid
:: Music: chevelle-- send the pain below

Dude, that was freakin scary! Ok so I'm all home alone and stuff, rihgt? Well i was closing the curtians in the front room, whisteling the kill bill song and this truck pulls up in front of my house.. and this guy gets out and is like.. walking up my steps, so i RUN upstairs and i hear him knocking on the door.... right? So eventually i come downstairs (secret mission style of course) and im like "OMG!" Cuz the phone rings. But its my mom. But i was still freaked out cuz i didnt know if the guy left or not, so i called my dad and made him come over to see if like... anyone was in the vacinity and no one was, but im still really scared. Cuz my moms gonna be gone till like, midnight.. so im home.. alone... and stuff. My Dad said it was prolly the guy who worked on remodeling the office coming to get his sweatshirt that he left here. Which makes sense sonce he said the sweatshirt (which was in a box on the porch) is now gone.
Ooof, i should go.. not be scared. I get freaked out easily though. Damn, vivi cant do anything either! I really dont wanna be home alone! My mom wont be home till midnight, god this is stupid!

1 white | You should..comment..

:: 2005 4 February :: 5.52pm
:: Mood: bored!!!
:: Music: crossfade-- cold

So its official, we're a couple. Hahahaha.
GOD I wish i were at chevelle!! Tori, Morgan, Patrick, and Mike are all going.... There.. but secretly I'm there too, cuz I made a puppet of me and made them take it with them, wich i think they did.. but i dont know..

This is really ramble-y but im talking to Anya so im not really concentrating...

I hafta go to a funeral tomorrow i think.. My great aunt or something.. I dont know. I think i met her once. I really dont want to go. I mean, its in freakin Colville. But yeah... i dont wat to go.

DUDE!! I bought a Super Blowpop at rite aid and it lasted for TWO HOURS cuz i just finished it!! I bet thats like a record or something!

Haha. Yeah. So i went to Morgans after school and tori was there and we went to Sac to see Malone. Buuut, he has 6th per prep, so we missed him. I talked to Mr. Hencz though and he thought my name was Norma. Norma?? I'd kill myself if that was my name! I mean.. come on now... norma.. god. So yeah. We all wrote notes to Malone and put them on his door. I really do miss the homebase days. *sigh*
And then i was ditched for Chevelle... yep. Now im sitting alone on a friday night hanging out with my cat. My CAT. Anya can't do anything and sophie's not picking up her phone.. i dont know anyone else's number either. AND my damn TV dosen't work. I know im complaining alot but i dont have anything else to do... besides math, but what kind of fool does that? Not this one is the correct answer. Ughhhhhh. i should go.. do... something..... Gahhhh

Twitchy

:: 2005 4 February :: 6.08pm

well long time since the last update
guess I've just been a) busy with finals b) busy with people and misc. things and c) just a little confused
I'm not so afraid anymore to talk about me and talk about life, I used to fear opening up, not lately
the thing is, I question who I am, am I worth it, am I anything?
there's just alot I still don't know ... about what I'm going to do, the future and all things about life
I don't like being whiney, but I'm just a little lost and confused and bemused
lonely I suppose
no matter how many people are around I still feel alone
something's missing
maybe something I'll never have
but I feel like that scene in Garden State at the party where Zach Braff is on the couch just sitting there as people speed around him moving into his zone and out without event
a dazed life
oh well, what the hell
I'm trying to help myself, trying to make my life better, trying to fill myself up, trying to be a better person in general, because I'm not really a good person, not a very intelligent or enlightened person, just a confused guy ... maybe just a guy looking for something to feel right
yeah, sappy I know

some of you know I've been fighting depression for a while
my fault really, I turned down meds and tried to give myself a chance to improve myself, to fix myself, to do the right thing
I know alot of people deal with it, not saying anything's different
but I'm doing it alone, trying to catch it, trying to figure out what voices are me and what voices are the depression
and it's hard, because they've been there so long, always saying you're not worth it, you suck, you'll never amount to anything, everyone hates you, they plot against you, end it now, kill yourself. Every fucking moment of the day there's that negativity getting to the surface
but it's not like another person, it's like me, it feels like this is what I really think, it feels so real that it's hard to sort out what voices are truth and lies, what's really me and what isn't. Doing it alone is hard, it's all so confusing, maybe I am that worthless, maybe it should be over, I don't know sometimes, it's hard to keep swimming above water, not to drown. And I'm whining again, oh well, what the hell.

I guess I'll just keep trying to sort out my life

and I haven't cried since ...