::
2003 16 June :: 1.36 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: be like that
::sigh:: .. ive fucked everything up. things used to be so good, i dont even know what to do anymore :(
he came home yesterday, he emailed me, he SAID he missed me, but he didnt talk to me, at all, until this morning, even then, he was on for like, a half hour, then he decided to IM me, and he was pretending like everything was ok, i mean , i dont think we feel the same way about eachother anymore, i dont know what goes on through his head anymore, last summer, we knew eachother inside out, all we did was talk to eachother, hours on end, every day, it was like, we were the only people there, but now, i feel like he doesnt have time fo rme anymore, i mean , i dont know, if it was me gone, i wouldve been dialing his number the second i got home, fuck everything else going on, id just wanna hear his voice on the other line, but i guess its not like that for him, :*( , i used to just, know, there was no doubt in my mind that he loved me, but now, there is, i dont know what happened, i feel like, maybe i come off, needy, or clingy , or too dependent upon him or something, and hes assured that i love him, and he knows i wont leave, so, maybe he takes advantage of it, and isnt afraid to say hurtful things, cuz he knows i wont go anywhere, cuz im so scared to lose him, and i feel like now, he thinks that since he has me, he doesnt have to show me that he cares anymore? i dont even know what to think anymore :(, hes just, so perfect, hes such a great guy, he has his head on straight, he has good morals, hes not in a relationship for sex, and , lets face it, most guys, thats all theyre in it for, hes sweet, hes kind, hes gorgeous, hes considerate, hes everything ive ever wanted, and so much more, hes perfect, at least to me he is, and , i dont know, i guess im not good enough for him, at least it doesnt seem like it. i feel like everything i say/do is wrong, and i just make everything so bad, and fuck everything up, i cant do anything right anymore :( , i got so upset, cuz he said something, and i just , left, and i walked out of the house, and just started walking, and i guess i ended up at the community pool, and i went on the playground, and just sat there, thinking, wondering, if things will ever be as perfect as they once were, if its even possible, i just wanted to be in his arms, and know that everything would be ok, and to just hear him tell me that he loves me, and that thats all that matters, everything else is, just, irrelevent, if u have love, everything else should be ok, right? .. so, i was just, there, and i just wished i could be a little kid again, remembering all the times i was on that playground, birthday parties, with my dad, just there, and i went to sit on the swing, and, my legs were too long, they hit the floor, a lot more than they should, and it just hit me, im not a little kid anymore, i never will be, im growing up, and its time to face the facts, every day that goes by, im going farther and farther into that, scary, unfamiliar world. and , every day that goes by, i get closer and closer to the end, and that scares me, to death, cuz all i want, is to spend every day of my life with emy, and for things to be ok, and to just, be with him, forever, till the day i die, and it just scares me to think, that every day i lose more and more time that i could be with him, be happy, and, i just want things to be good again... ::tears::
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