xjayk
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2008 17 May :: 11.44pm
I celebrated my birthday today.
Finally.
It was au'some I woke up at 8am to go get my hair highlighted and cut, I love it then I went with my mom to get pampered at Sammies. Hah. It was fun. Then to the scavenger hunt to try on all of their hats and have mom tell stories about the eighties and old time dresses.
I know I'm skipping over alot of things buut I'm tired. Main point it was au'some the best birthday ever.
I really hate this golfball growth on my ovarie. I want it gone. It hurts. All the drugs in the world can't stop this pain once it gets itself goin'. Stupid ovarie I want to rip the right one out sometimes and throw it downn the garbage disposal.
Fade Into Memory
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xjayk
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2008 11 May :: 10.09pm
When all you knew is gone
I've been in shut down mode and while there I've realized the people that stand unbudged from my side though they sometimes look at me with strangers eyes they stay with their feet firmly planted on the ground next to mine.
I've become quite uneasy with people lately, I could only wish that loyalties really did last forever.
Its been two weeks now.
Two weeks since I've felt the devils sting and I still haven't been able to fall into someones arms and completely let myself go. I wont cry in front of people anymore. I wont be a victim in my own home. But... It'd be amazing to know that someone would take me in and just listen and not make me feel like it was my fault or make me feel like I'm placing the weight of the world on their shoulders, so I guess I'm left alone with the burden, its really only mine anyways.
Did you know I couldn't leave the house without having someone with me?
Did you know I couldn't even get gas without making sure someone else was there to pay?
Did you know that he walked away free and I'm still laying there?
While everyone else my age is worrying about caps and gowns, or what their future career is going to be and whatnot, at the present time I'm just worried about making it through tommorow.
And then the thought comes to mind, "What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that horrible of a person?"
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xjayk
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2008 6 May :: 4.16pm
I am begining to wonder what people are thinking of me, I am just a taxi?
I feel like once I give someone an inch their friends for some reason find it theirs as well.
Danny for instance he doesn't take advantage of me in the slightest but sometimes I feel like Corey does, but that's just Corey you really need to set shit straight with him or he wont get it. But today some chic that I haven't spoken with in over a year decided that she was going to get rides out of me today. I just stared at her, like why did she think that she could do anything without asking me. She was a mooch when I knew her and I listened to the way she talked to Danny and she's mooching off of him now. Drinking his beer and stealing his smokes and taking his rides. It just pisses me off to no end. Not to mension I don't have anyone to vent to right now and its eating away at me. I really dont want to have to talk to Danny about this its hard enough for us to have a moment alone anymore. That bothers me too, we're good friends but we don't really open up much around other people. I guess I'm just going to have to talk to Danny tonight somehow. I dunno.
But really I'm not a fuckin' taxi and I made my point pretty clear today or so I thought to the fuckin' mooch, aparently not. I am going to begin to refuse people rides even if I like them because I'm not one to be walked over and I haven't really thought of becoming a welcome mat lately.
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xjayk
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2008 4 May :: 8.36am
The most terrible week of my life
In the begining of the week well yah Hill knows
After that no one would give me the day after pill, I went to every hospital in Holland nothing.
Been in extreame pain
Lost my job
So no money for food or gas, and its already been really tight the past two weeks but now I'm in the hole 45 dollars and I'm not exactly sure how to get money right now. Bah.
I hate being an adult.
Jail or no Jail that is the question
1 Ghosts |
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xjayk
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2008 2 May :: 10.04pm
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...
Inside the examination room I layed on the very uncomfortable table to find out the blood flow to my ovaries is back to normal and the chances of me having a child again have increased...
My God
I looked at the nurse with a surprised look, I never thought so many questions and concerns could come to my mind at once but when one came so did another and another until like ten fat men trying to get through a narrow hallway at one time they came. What does this mean?
I've never been in so much physical and emotional pain in my life. And to be quite frank I don't know how to handle this. I really don't want to. I'd prefer to jump off a bridge than continue dealing with this shit right now. I can't leave my house by myself, I can't go to the gas station without thinking that somehow 'he's' going to find me, and I cannot help the undying feeling of being completely torn off from society.
I have someone sleep right outside my locked door, someone to accompany me to school, and someone to run around with. But me alone? Never.
I can't handle life like this anymore. Its driving me insane and the stomache aches and whatnot, I can hardly tolerate.
Now this is but the first week, what about the first month? How is that going to go? How can I learn to handle this?
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xjayk
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2008 22 April :: 11.54pm
I've realized that everyone around me is growing up so fast, Hillary's graduating and going to cosmo school, Abby is handling full grown boa constricters, and my little brother is saving up for a car. And with all of this growing up I feel left behind.
One day everyone is going to get married and have children and though I don't think about it much because at this present time I don't want either a husband nor a child I cannot help but think - what about me?
One day I'm going to be throwing my best friend a baby shower and helping her out with wedding plans while her fiance goes out with the boys to do manly things like drink beer and eat steak. And well... sometimes I just wish I had those sorts of things to look foreward to.
Honestly I really don't want to get married, marriage just doesn't apeal to me but one day holding my own child in my arms would be amazing... If only if only right?
So while all of my friends are grown up with families that they love and hold dear to them I'll have my thoughts and the occasional Wens. night out with the girls while their kids are at softball practice. And I'll be left behind, in an ageing neverland.
It really is funny how we take for granted everything that we have until its gone and you may never be able to get it back.
I know I go on about kids alot. But its been a topic that has presented itself to me alot over the past year. Its sad. If I could maybe just have one when I was around 32 and had things going for me then I swear I'd be more than happy. *sigh*
I know I'm all over the place, I get that way when I'm upset...Perhaps I wont even post this I really don't feel like I should burden anyone with this... But hey you kept reading right?
I swear at times I hate to be me, though I have friends and family that loves me, I feel like I don't have much of a future ahead of me. I know people say you create your own future and its true I can create my own sucess when it comes to jobs, houses, money, ect... but children, no god decided to take back that blessing a month ago. And I'm scared, what's going to happen when I'm old?
What's the fucking point anymore?
You go to work to save money for a house, to raise a family in or at least that's what I was brought up on.
Now what happens when you've got shit?
God Damnit
What's the fucking point?
2 Ghosts |
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xjayk
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2008 14 April :: 12.34am
Who's 18? This Gurl!
Oh you have no idea how sore I am. The past three days I have a combined total of 8 hours of sleep and I love it I really really do. I went over to Dannys to celebrate the first part of my birthday we had a bitchin' time seriously we all were in quite the good moods.
*Danny and I walk out of the bathroom and girl walks in* "It smells like condoms in here!" "Your such a shit talker"
It was really funny if you were there but I really don't have the time to really explain what happend.
I showed up at 11:30ish and stayed until 4am. And I'll tell you what waking up at 7 that morning wasn't a wonderful experience.
Out for lunch with my Dad, Chrissy, and Thaddeus at Applebees and it was a-Mazing. Then to pick up my birthday cake. Theen after blowing out the candels I went back to Dannys.
After Dannys I headed over to Bizzy's house and we got ready for the club, which of course means getting completely shit faced before walking out the door. :D And I'll tell you what it was a blast. I hurt so bad right now but hey you would too after dancing all night long then getting home and finding Hypnotic and Hennysy (however you spell it) waiting for you. Oh man
So 12pm rolls around and we're all still drunk when we wake up and of course I had to go to another party which I ended up being fashonably late to. But it was fun, after my buzz died down a bit I was alright. Not that I wasn't before but it was totally obvious. Annnd Hillary and Pam showed up and totally made my freakin' day! I missed them. :D
Well that's just the jist of the past two days but hey I got to go to bed nighty night.
1 Ghosts |
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foobz
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2008 14 April :: 12.12am
:: Mood: bitchy
and so i lied
we are back to this now but for this time, i mean it.
cause alex has one now so i guess i kinda am obligated to - you know - write.
and keep him in line.
and i miss you all
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xjayk
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2008 10 April :: 10.19am
Who's 18 in two days? This Girl!
So the past few days have been wonderful. Keeping Hillary and I entertained wasn't nearly hard at all, we ran all over Holland, Fenville, Saugatuk, and Grandville. Picking people up and dropping people off and meeting new people, and just havin' a gay ol' time. :D
My theme this week?
'Its my birthday week and nothin's getting me down if you've got anything negative to say you can shove it up your anus'
I ordered a cake thats in the shape of a miller highlife can that says the ol' eighteen brew, and a smaller cake that's in the shape of a pack of cigs that says winningham 18 smooth. :D I do shit for shock value I swear. :D Everyones going to love it.
So on Saterday you'll be finding me in the club with a sexy couple and a mexican :D its going to be amazing. My teacher says Diversions is the best club in G.R and I totaly trust his judgement he's a crazy Cali man that wants to teach people and teach them how to party!
Ohhh
I need an eyebrow wax
Badly
No money
No place open
Damn aisans
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xjayk
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2008 4 April :: 11.29pm
Watching lord of the rings
Thaddeus: The white haired Orlando Bloom should shoot Frodo with arows and take the ring.....I love you... Lets do it hobbit style, stick it in my ear ah ah! (pretending he's Sam)
Ahahah
He's all selfconcious now that I'm posting it.
Thad: No one will get it now! I saw the way Sam was checking out Frodo skaling that mountain.....How big do you think hobits are? I wonder if you could even feel a hobbit, it'd be like naughtying someone with their knuckles.
Thad: I'ma hobbit *high voice* (puts pinky in my ear)
Baby this could all be yours
Now he's ranting about fireballs
what a weirdo
Now he's talking about pulling level 2 broad swords with firery enchant....I don't understand him sometimes...litterally but he's fun. I don't even have to say anything for him to be able to carry a conversation. :D
I'm ready to own my own dragon, I heard they started the ice age and I think that since we're getting a new one pretty quick I think I should pick one up. For warmth.
1 Ghosts |
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xjayk
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2008 2 April :: 9.18pm
I'm dying my sisters hair right now and I'm praying that it wont turn out horrible. *crosses fingers* I've never dyed anyones hair like I'm doing hers so I guess we'll see I'll try to post a picture later to either announce my triumph or make fun.
Today was chock full of Guitar hero, almost to dragonforce now which is a-mazing. :D I'm pretty addicted to the game but not nearly as much as Thaddeus is, bastard made me miss my stories today. *glares*
Not much has really been going on lately except for I met a stranger that knew alot about me, so I'm doing some detective work to figure out how he managed to gain this information. What he was telling me wasn't something I go around telling alot of people about. I guess its time to bust out the fedora and trench coat, while I'm at it light up a pipe bring out my trusty chodemaster and get to the bottom of this.
1 Ghosts |
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xjayk
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2008 1 April :: 10.44pm
If music be the food of love, play on
~Shakespere
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xjayk
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2008 30 March :: 9.48pm
Its time for a new tat
I've gotten what I want in my head I just need to find the perfect text
Hilly I need your help
1 Ghosts |
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xjayk
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2008 28 March :: 10.16pm
Oh boy
I stink
but I'm good
Real good
Today my buddy Anthony bought me a monster and told me we'd split it but he just ended up giving it all to me SUPRISE! It made my night. :D
So I smell of pizza juice and its sick. I need to take a shower. I really really want to do something tonight but everyone has plans. Its lame.
So today I was practically kicked out of class for fighting, it didn't turn physical but it probably would have, I'll defend my friends honor to the death *puts up fists*. So that was interesting.
Alot of fighting goin' around lately last time Hillary came up to Holland she got into a fight with some ghetto mexican chick for calling her and I quote "Pale fat ass white gurl" and hill just walked casually up to her and WAM right in the kisser. That I was actually surprised about but whateve, you never know with Hillary.
*shrug*
yeah I'm pretty bored...time for a smoke break.
3 Ghosts |
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xjayk
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2008 12 March :: 7.57am
I've taken it upon myself to slowly but surely drive myself mad.
On the hot topic of babies I thought I'd update
my good friend Aisha has had her twins (and I must say their a little scarey)
half of my school either has a kid or is pregnant
My cousin is trying to have another
and to make this short
I'm going to the funeral of one today
That's rough. Seeing everyone you know, friends, family, all in support of you and morning the loss of your little one. I'm so close to almost everyone that is going to be there that it really has made my stomach turn. Well not that so much as the poor babe. I had really hoped I'd never have to go to one.
I think God's a baseball player, he's always throwin' me those impossible curve balls
I've been waking up sick as a dog lately and then by the afternoon I'm good, until bedtime when I want my guts on a rug. Yes. Guts on a rug. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me but seeing how I've been in and out of the hospital lately I'd rather not go until I at least have an idea about what's wrong with me.
On a different note, I've edited a few photo's nothing special really just messin' around and this one has really been growin' on me. I can't tell you why but it is. Well I'll just show it to you I've got to get ready.
I think I need a prayer but would he even listen after what I've done, after what I've become
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