xjayk
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2007 8 December :: 12.01am
Its been about a month and a half now, Christina's getting better and my life is slowly returning to normal. Her seziures put my life on hold for what seems like a long time now. I feel bad because I had to cancel a lot of things that I was going to do with old friends, but instead I sat in the E.R with my little sister. I don't regret it a bit and when I explain to my friends what has been going on I'm sure they'll understand. It's funny how as soon as things look up another thing has to happen. God really has been throwing me curve balls lately. My Popa Noam is at Spectrum right now with a blockage in his heart. He'll be going under the knife tomorrow morning, if my memorie suits me right. I've gotten a letter from Josh, its good to hear he's doing well. Even though Michelle doesn't want us talking, he doesn't seem to car. As long as I send him letters he'll write me back. It means a lot to me and I know it means alot to him. If I were in his position I'd want letters. *sigh* Man I need to get out of Holland. I think I'm going to rent a house in G.R the slum area and not let anyone know I'm there. Yeah that sounds like a plan to me. :D
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xjayk
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2007 23 October :: 10.13pm
The Begining of the End
I have just returned from surrendering to N.A today. I've realized I've been going to at least one meeting a day, if not two. I'm proud but ashaimed. The subject tonight was hard and I wish I would have spoken. I'm so sick of hearing the same old problems day after day, night after night. I can only tell the same people the same old answers for so long until I sit back and tell them that they just have to deal with their own problems, and I'll listen but only if its something new.
My hearts broken and I want to go back to old habbits, but hey I almost got my thirty days clean why waste it? Yet the only thing I feel like I can show for it is a damn key chain and what does that do for me? I don't even have keys. What I wouldn't give for a pill or some nice liquor right now. *sigh* But I feel like I can't call the same people anymore because of their own issues....they seem so much greater than mine and they probably don't care that much about my own....I don't know they say that they do but I've had it implanted in my mind that there is no possible way that could be true. Maybe I need to get a grip on myself and my distructive thinking, I need to quit being so complacent. I need to stop, but I don't seem to have enough strength on my own to do it...but I'm not alone, I just make myself that way I guess....
Who knows what will happen.
Maybe in the morning I'll feel better
Maybe in the morning I'll forget this feeling of helplessness
Maybe in the morning the devil will be starring me in the face
Or God will prevail and show me that I can do this, and he's there
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xjayk
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2007 24 August :: 4.28pm
I'm finally moving up, I've gotten a house, a stable job and a new internship that I should be starting if not this year then next for sure. I'm really exited to be doing something with myself, something new that I haven't yet experienced. I'm proud of myself for once for taking matters in my own hands. I'm finally doing something for the benifit of me and my future child. :D I'm proud. Its good to be able to say that.
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xjayk
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2007 17 August :: 11.55pm
Well well well
It seems much has changed and some parts of the transition between depressed and clinging onto something I didn't have and letting go, getting over, and realizing though I'm still lonely its nowhere near the lonelieness I felt that year. Its much better now.
I've fallen for someone that I can never ever have, and he tells me of a long lost love coming back into his life the day after he confesses his love for me. And I'm left in the dark yet again. I want to talk to him, and be near him but I know it cant be. It could never. Ever.
I'm stuck in a house with people I don't want to be around and people I'm dying around because of the daily lie I spill.
Hate me, and realize who I've become. Hate me, and make me feel better. Hate me because I'm selfish, and I want to feel a release. Hate me.
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xjayk
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2007 15 June :: 9.58pm
It's final.
I'm going to Ireland to visit the Lisheen Ruins. I just hope them damn faries don't get to me. But it is the most beautiful place I've seen in quite some time.
OOOp more later dinner is done.
"Eat before the wolves get'cha" Quote Gram
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xjayk
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2007 14 June :: 11.58am
Exhail
About freakin' time
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xjayk
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2007 15 April :: 11.14pm
Birthday Madness
My birthday started out on a mellow note. I was late for school because I wanted to drop rose peddles for my mother. Last year she got me roses for my birthday and I thought since she couldn't be here that I'd go for a walk to...I guess talk to her. She would have never aproved of me being late to school on her behalf but I'm sure she'd forgive me.
I got to school and there was a four pack of monster waiting for me including a hug from mister j.r. It made my day.
Since it was a school night I did have to go back to Hamilton but my dad gave me a ride there after school by surprise. It was nice seeing him again. But after all we do work together so its no big deal. But it was my birthday.
Friday night was amazing lots of partying no sleep, then work a few hours after the party ended. Nice to go to work dead tired and a little bit of a dying buzz.
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xjayk
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2007 10 April :: 11.14pm
Oh my life is going quite swell. I'm sure you were wondering seeing houw you landed upon this site.
I live on a small farm with eight chickens twelve billy goats a horse and three hamsters (moe curly and the other one) a simpler life for me. My mother was finally taken by god and placed into heaven where she belongs. I loved her so much it breaks my heart to know that she wont be here to comfort me when I have a problem.
My step dad finally checked himself into rehab for his alcohal abuse, sadly it took my mothers death for him to realize he has a problem.
But that was some time ago. Things have changed alot this year.
My dad takes care of my sister and I live with my friend in Hamilton. I think it was for the best. I have a job and pay to live there so his parents aren't hassled with extra expenses. Its actually cheaper to have me there.
Things have been a bit hecktik if you can see that's why I haven't been online in such a long time. Other than myspace only to check up with friends though. Gotta go.
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xjayk
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2007 22 March :: 12.02am
Think Before You Start Talking
Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
[Solo: Corey]
Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries
And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit
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And I thought everything was going so well. Like I said earlier, new school, new boyfriend, new friends so what could be wrong right? How about the fuckin' bitch that desides to talk shit about me saying she was using me for three fucking years! First of all I think you'd have to be full of shit to say something about me or be using me in the first place. Second of all, I don't let people use me so I have no idea where your getting your fuckin' matierial from. And who was calling whom love? I don't remember me calling you up that often. Actually it'd be you wanting to hang out, you who'd go out and buy us movies to watch seeing how you were the one with the job. We hardly ever did anything that would cost money anyways. My god your pathetic. I'm through with you. I don't need shit like you in my life.
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xjayk
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2007 1 March :: 2.04pm
Born from silence, silence full of it
A perfect concert my best friend
So much to live for, so much to die for
If only my heart had a home
Sing what you can`t say
Forget what you can`t play
Hasten to drown into beautiful eyes
Walk within my poetry, this dying music
- My loveletter to nobody
Never sigh for better world
It`s already composed, played and told
Every thought the music I write
Everything a wish for the night
Wrote for the eclipse, wrote for the virgin
Died for the beauty the one in the garden
Created a kingdom, reached for the wisdom
Failed in becoming a god
Never sigh for better world
It`s already composed, played and told
Every thought the music I write
Everything a wish for the night
"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it
Remember only the verse, songmaker`s cry, the one without tears
For I`ve given this its strength and it has become my only strength.
Comforting home, mother`s lap, chance for immortality
Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew
The sweet piano writing down my life"
"Teach me passion for I fear it`s gone
Show me love, hold the lorn
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me
I`m sorry
Time will tell (this bitter farewell)
I live no more to shame nor me nor you
And you... I wish I didn`t feel for you anymore..."
A lonely soul... An ocean soul...
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xjayk
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2007 27 February :: 1.57pm
..boyfriend?
Yeah nevermind him. Love him to death, but yeah I give....
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xjayk
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2007 26 February :: 7.32pm
New Feelings
New Boyfriend -J.R
New School - Wavecrest Career Acadamy
New Friends - Aisha, Bri, Mitch...
But with everything good there must be some pit falls right?
Yup
Lost - Some old friends
Lost - Thaddeus in someway
Lost - My mind
Found - Happiness and Stress
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xjayk
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2007 23 February :: 2.18pm
Yuup
In Nova Net once again.
I think I've lost my mind, I zoned out in class today and it seems like any thought worth thinking about ran out through my ears. Mhhm. I made me a necklace out of lace today in art -screw making another mardi gras mask I've made so many of them I'm surprised their not running out of my ass yet. Tonight should be cool throwning a little shin-dig at Thads with me new friends. It should be fun. It better be. I don't have that long to hang out with J.R seeing how his parents don't want him spending the night - I guess its understandable but it still sucks. So Hill, Christ, Aisha and I will be spending our night together wich I think is Merrily Pimp. Oooops gotta go my teacher is hovering over my shoulder right now.
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xjayk
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2007 16 February :: 2.48pm
I'm in Nova Net right now. One of the longest hours of the day, looking through HR Giger pictures and praying for my fifteen minute break.
Things are going splendid- I met someone, then lost them (on purpose) danced in the caffiteria, stole Matts gold fish, made a crap load of new friends aaannnnd I'm going to a partay tonight wich should be tons of fun. Thaddeus and I are getting along fine- we both say we should have some new people in our lives. Even though we chill everyday things haven't gotten ockward. I've taken pictures with Hillary- the coolest mobster pictures you would ever see. And had some girl time. I took Christs rasta to school today, just because it looks better on me than on him.
wow. That all sempt a bit scrambled. I'm going to get going- makeout time in the hallway. : D
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xjayk
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2007 16 January :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Blue October - Into the Ocean
As my thoughts play out I'm left with the realization that my life has taken an abrupt turn. It's been taking alot of those recently. The weekend left me to my thoughts, negative ones at that. I've realized I'm exactly what I hate yet love in the same manner, and that I am no longer able to look at a child in the same way as I did before without tears swelling in my eyes and regretful memories. Like everyone has told me lately "theres absolutely nothing that could have changed" and I guess it's a true statement, but if it truely were, if there really was nothing I could have possibly done then why am I left in such agony. School has passed much slower now...thank god it wont be to long before I'm out on leave for awhile. I need to get out, I need to get away.
'If god could respond what would he say?'
I should go to bed. That is all I truely can say I do anymore. My body is shutting down while my mind is fast at work, why couldn't it be the other way around? I want to stop thinking: even if momentarily. Just stop.
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