been feeling really weird and detached the past couple of days. not sure why. been more sober than usual (though still not completely) so maybe that's part of it. also, my dear seester is gonna be sixteen in a couple days. makes me feel fucking old.
also also, still no job. sucks ducks, man. need a job. handyman scheduled me for like 2 hours on friday this week. awesome. there's 10 dollars that i'll see in two weeks. fucking bullshit.
just not feeling very enthused about much of anything in general. would like to be excited about something - anything - soon, very soon.
I don't care if I hang out with you or not.
I don't care if you care period.
I've been working alot and hanging out with old friends...and I feel so 'whatev' about everything. I don't care. About anything.
Thad and I are fine, but he never wants to hang out with me.
He does his thing and I do mine.
I've been working alot on photo's and its been good. I've just been so distracted.
I need to figure out a way to get to Rochester, Minnesota so I can be with my ma. I dont have long to come up with the money. Anyone with ideas?
I watched Finding Neverland last night with my sister and we both started bawling our eyes out. If I knew that movie was going to end that way I totally wouldn't have played it. I mean it was a great movie but the ending is harsh.
I don't really know why I'm updating. I guess just out of boredom and whatnot.
I wish I had someone that I could call no matter what time of the day or night, and just talk or have them come over. In the same breath I don't. I don't need anyone to be there for me constantly. It'd just be a nice change of pace. But I guess I have Thaddeus for that. But I just hate troubling him all the time, after he works all day to support us.
I'm hungry, but I dont want to run out and be forced to drive through that Tulip Time traffic. I need grocerys soo bad. We havent gone shopping in like three weeks...if not four. So we're completely cleaned out. Thank God pay day is tomorrow.
Man I come off so cynical in all of my posts. But man who really posts things when their in a happy or indifferent mood. *sigh*
Whatev
I dont remember the last time Thaddeus and I spent an entire day together. Man married life is lame. lol.
This past week has been wonderful, I got to be with my best friend for over 72 hours straight! Its such a rareity that I see her anymore. I enjoy every minute.
Though I have had a great time I hadn't been able to enjoy it as much as I had hoped. Its not like anything went wrong. Its just time, and the place. I hate not knowing, I hate waking up and worrying about what kind of phone call I'm going to get, and what it might mean. I hate not being able to go out with my mother and watching her suffer every single day. I hate it. I hate waking up period anymore. Its as if while I'm sleeping nothing bad can happen. I've watched as my mothers been ripped right out of my hands and stretched out onto some sort of death bed. I hate that everyone pretends that nothings happening and I hate how the doctors wont help and the insurance companies dont give a shit. I hate how this is affecting my marriage and my complete attitude. I dont want to lose her. I dont want her gone and I dont want to put her in the ground before she's had a chance to live again. There are days where I'll sit with her and she'll talk about all these plans she has of seeing the world and how spoiled my children are going to be, though all the while she's sewing a baby blanket for her grandkids that she knows she might very well not see and wants to do something for them. I hate knowing that I may have to live the next 60 years without being able to call her and get advise or concole her after a long day of work that she just cant handle. I hate knowing I may never be able to hear her laugh again. I dont want her to go. I dont want to lose the closest person to me. I cant handle it. I dont know what I would do without her and now I have to face that reality and it scares me. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out writting this long diatrob that I know no one reads because if my family ever found out how I'm feeling it would be like shifting the foundation, and our family cannot deal with anymore.
So I totally just noticed, after going through my books, that I took a loss for the wedding shoot I did. I knew I wouldn't be getting that much of a profit for it but the place I do my printings at I found want me to pay over 70 dollars for the prints. Which is completely unacceptable especially for such few prints, and the fact they want to crop all of my pictures.
