I don't hold my breath, and I don't hold my tongue.

:: 2009 27 March :: 8.47am
:: Mood: content

Laugh. Smile. Sigh.
Lately I've been making my posts friends only. I'm not quite sure why. I think it could be because I'm paranoid and I don't want my mom or anyone aside from my friends on here to know how giddy I am. And when I say giddy, I mean as giddy as a damn school girl. HaHa.

Last night me and my mom went to Family Fare to get some milk and what not. We ended up seeing the clearance area and ran for it. HaHa. Mom found these Starbucks Chocolates that were on sale, and we had a coupon on top of that discount. So, for Starbucks, it was cheap. She hated my favourite chocolate. I love, LOVE the Mocha Dark Chocolate. It's my favourite kind of chocolate and there's coffee grounds in it that taste like mocha. My mom thought it was disgusting, and found it even more disgusting when I ate and enjoyed the Coffee ground chocolate. HaHa. So, I ate pretty much all of those kinds out of the "Sampler".

Right now, it is 8:25 in the morning, and Ava is sick. So, she's very whiney, she keeps getting a fever, she's coughing up her lungs, and she can't sleep. She woke up not too long ago. I was hoping with her being sick and all, she would want to try and sleep, I was wrong for hoping that. But, for a little bit this morning she was mad at me. She kept yelling at me and repeated the phrase "You didn't hear me!". I wish I could answer your "What the hell does that mean?" question, but I myself have no clue what-so-ever. Right now, however, we are all buddy buddy right now, she's on my lap kissing my cheek and asking which of my arms hurts. And it's off to the couch to watch "Monsters Inc." for her.

But, the weekend is here, and I'm excited. Even though me and Brie got into a little spat yesterday about my weekend leaving. She says I should stay home for a weekend and I need to help out more. I don't know what the hell her problem is, but I help out as much as I can. I am sort of limited, however. I can't lift anything heavy, I can't really pick much up off the ground, I can't even stir hamburger, and if I fold too much laundry, my shoulder gets it's own pulse. I am here all week long, which yes, is my fault and choice because of dropping out. But, I need social interaction too, and the weekend is pretty much my only time to do it. Then afterwards she tells me "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude or bitchy, I'm just trying not to cry". I told her she didn't need to take it out on everyone else. Because I wasn't the only victim to fall prey to her "I'm bitching everyone out and bossing them around because I'm trying not to cry". She was yelling at Tanna for not doing things quick enough or up to her standards. She was screaming about how Dylan should be up here, not in the basement playing the PS2. It was ridiculous. And I'm going to piss her off even more, by leaving this weekend. I'm never even gone for a whole 24 hours, that's the thing. I leave sometime after dark, then I come home anywhere from 10am-1pm the next day. Not even 24 fucking hours. And before I leave, I usually make sure everything's handled and going smoothly. If things are a mess and Ava is screaming, I try to do my best to calm her down and straighten things out. I'm not some fucking robot that can just stay home all week and then stay home on the weekends. She brings up the High School drop out thing all the time, and how that is why I don't have a social life. WRONG. I didn't have a social life while I was in school either. I've been an anti-social person for a long time, and I'm starting to get a life back. So, excuse me for being inside all week while everyone else is leaving and having fun, but I am not staying home on the weekends. I think she's also just bitching at me about leaving because she can't leave. She's grounded and will stay that way for another week and a half or so, so she's just pissed off because she can't leave for the moment.

Anyway, I'm going to stop bitching and end this here before I ramble and it gets too long. Bye.

-Samm

:: 2009 26 March :: 7.55am
:: Mood: content

Early mornings.
Well, it's around 7:45am right now, and I want to talk to Darin, but MSN messenger is not working for some reason. I would call him, but the fact that we are 3 hours or so ahead of Arizona makes it difficult. He has school, so, I'm not going to call him and ruin his sleeping at 4:45 his time. I know I would hate it if someone called me that early. HaHa. He told me yesterday that if I was up early and wanted to talk to just call him, but, I'm not going to interupt his sleep. Luckily he gets let out of school earlier than the rest of them do, he gets let our around 1 or so because of work release. He has all of his credits, and his last 2 classes would be pointless. We were talking on the phone yesterday. It's like every time we talk on the phone, the conversations get longer and longer. It went from 30 minutes to 45 minutes yesterday. I'm not complaining though, I love talking to him on the phone. Hearing his voice say all these sweet things about me maks me happy. Especially because I don't initiate his little ramble about "You're gorgeous, Samm. You're so sweet and beautiful", but he says them because he feels like it. His voice is a comfort and it brings a smile to my face every time we talk. He even makes me giggle, HaHa. He noticed my giggle way before I even did. I felt like a dork from then on. He told me it's cute though, but, I'm still going to try and keep it minimal. But, it's about that time where I wake up Ava and get her ready school, then later Jenny's coming over. So, at least there's something to look forward to. HaHa. Bye. :]

-Samm

10 comments | [x]

xjayk

:: 2009 26 March :: 12.51am

I can feel him at night sometimes. When I'm lying in bed wide awake but trying my hardest to sleep. I smell the tobacco and feel his hard warmth. Its almost like a sign like he's telling me that it'll be okay and that I'm doing the right thing. Its funny because when I do something bad I can feel this ice cold breeze come through my room just long enough for me to notice then its gone again.

I stare at his picture that sits next to my bed along with the obituary article clip out proped up against it. I wonder if he knew or at the very least knows now how much I love him. He was a tight fisted man and had a shell a three feet thick, but I love him.

I stare at the chair he sat in.
The fabric is worn from years of abuse.

And there sits his glasses on the January 22nd paper.

Arms of an oxe and the belly of a truck driver. He could bench 500lbs -
and never gloated.

No one understood him, with the exception of a few.
He once spent an hour cleaning out a pond searching for a little girls bracelet she got for taking out the trash.

He was loud, he had something like a yell when he spoke but I'd give anything to hear it again.

He was cheap, clung tight to every nickel. And he would give anything up for his family.

He survived the family curse.

and

He'd wait in a car for 2hours in a blizzard so a teenager could roller-skate.

A racist S.O.B

and the ultamit protector.

He chased men down the road in his underware and a shotgun in his hand for peaking in on my mother

and followed people home in the winter just to make sure they were okay

He'll always be that finger I clung to when I wanted to walk in the woods, but not alone.

The worst advice giver

and the most honest man I know

He'll always be that last tear before bed and the laugh with a friend

and I'd give anything to see him again.

I roll over and grasp tightly onto his old lounge shirt and dig my face into it and inhail getting the last sent of him out. Tears that I've held in for so long I'm finally letting go.

1 comment | [x]

c-ramon-otero

:: 2009 26 March :: 12.06am

Learned Bums Rush
So, listening to Beck and Sleepercar really influences different styles of writing. Like this song;

Learned Bums Rush
I was born
Damn I was bred
With not a song in my heart
Or that bounce in my step

Well you know it don't matter none
I once met love, so early its done
But I don't walk alone
I got my friends to take me home

I'll smile again my friend, cause this ain't the end

Well you know it don't matter none
I once met love, so early its done
But as long as there's strength in my bones
Damn, I know I won't be alone

Once was my Mecca, Once was my home
But I've learned that life still goes on

------------------------
EDIT
------------------------
But wait there is more.

The Morrow
Born through the Mecca.
Absolved through faith.
The begotten is what I am.
The begotten is what I fear.

Was it the morrow that left me for dead?
It doesn't matter now, cause I drifted away.
The springs are flowing as dams are breaking.
The dead come wandering, looking for my home.

If only time could be still.
If only I was left behind.
The purge would be fleeting.
The pain would be left to those who wait.

Song for if I was cursed.
Song for if I was damned.

Meccas Vi Arandez, he knows my name.
Feared damnation, Feared loathing.

I pray,
Let me roam, let me live.

:: 2009 25 March :: 10.37am
:: Mood: contemplative

Contemplative, yet content.
Well, things have been going great for the past couple days. I watched the Twilight movie for the first time the other day. It was surprisingly good for a movie made from a book. Of course, they left some stuff out, but, what booke based movie doesn't leave things out. But, it was good overall. And update on the guy situation. HaHa. Well, I've been talking to this guy Darin for a while. I met him through Brendon. I never thought of Darin like that before, ever. But, the other night, we just got to talking, and I saw him in a different way than before. I realised he would be a great boyfriend. We like each other, long story short. But, there is a teeny tiny distance problem. Actually, when you look at it, it's not so teeny tiny. HaHa. I am in Michigan and he lives in...Arizona. So, it's a bit of a problem. I told him I didn't know how I would be able to handle the distance, but I heard(not from Darin) that he apparently has enough funds to visit. I just wish he wasn't so far away. Maybe if he was in Ohio or something, then I wouldn't have to think about it twice. But, when he's in Arizona, I have been thinking about it too much. I am overthinking, which I do all the time. I overanalyze possible relationships all the time, even when the guy is in the same town. He also plans on joining the National Guard. But, there's just so much to like about him. He's 18, around 6 ft. tall, Brown hair, Blue eyes, very muscular, etc. I know he's real, yes. It's not like I've never kind of seen him before. It's not just pictures. There's been webcam a few times, then just yesterday we talked on the phone for the first time. The entire phone conversation and even after we stopped talking, I couldn't stop smiling. Brie even noticed. She said "Aww, Sammie's happy. Maybe she should talk to Darin more often." And I agree with her. But, I've been in a great mood since me and him started talking to each other in a different way from being friends. He's sweet, hilarious, cute, HOT voice(HaHa. I wasn't looking for that, but, it's a bonus), he's honest, he helps me out, etc. He's just as close to perfect for me as anyone can be. He makes me happy. I just wish there wasn't so much of a distance between us. He'll be coming a little closer eventually. He said he'll be going to Missouri, but that's for training for the National Guard. But, amybe we can make this work, who knows? But right now, I'm going to enjoy this and smile and laugh. I'm doing both of those more often now. But, I have to get ready for Physical Therapy. Bye. :]

-Samm
Let the fun begin! HaHa.

2 comments | [x]

:: 2009 24 March :: 6.53pm

stepbrothers is a movie about my brother and I, I am convinced of this

6 comments | [x]

c-ramon-otero

:: 2009 24 March :: 3.25am
:: Music: Drunk Kid Catholic - Brighteyes

I have been happy the past couple days, thinking of the women taken your place
Thinking I spend too much time at Denny's.

Smoking and chilling is fun, but I like other kind of settings.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, being clean shaven=looking 16. But I think it looks good. Gonna grow them sideburns out! CHOPS MUTHA FUCKA!

Not much is new, other than going to New York for a week. :D

Trying to get to UA is hard.

5 comments | [x]

rayray

:: 2009 23 March :: 7.09pm

After a long stressful week filled with 4 weeks worth of homework, a couple of exams, work, and very little sleep, I managed to come out alive.
I also survived a weekend that was filled with a 10 year old for the weekend, a barbeque, major cleaning, lots of wii bowling/golf/tennis and a trip to the movies.

Race to Witch Mountain, wasn't the greatest.

I have a PowerPoint presentation to work on, but I lack all sense of creativity.
Isn't it lovely how that works out?
It's like a vicious cycle.
Once I finish one workload, I get another thrown at me.

Not to mention, I need to figure out if I want to take classes this summer..
But it would also be nice to know what is going to happen once May comes..
My whole world will be up in a whirlwind then.

:: 2009 20 March :: 12.57am

saw a guy's truck that had a Stroh's license plate today in Cedar.

FUCK YEAH STROH'S

3 comments | [x]

:: 2009 20 March :: 1.00am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "Eyes on Fire" by: Blue Foundation

Bleh Bleh Bleh.
Well, I hope everyone had a good St. Patrick's Day. I didn't get to drink, I went to Physical Therapy though. It was the worst appointment of them all. I had a different lady doing my arm stretching. She put me in so much pain, it was ridiculous. Then my friend Jesse came over yesterday and he forgot about my arm completely, and he got a bit too rambuncious and was shaking my arm and grabbing at my shoulder. So, my arm felt like it had a pulse after that. It was just throbbing and ice was not doing anything for it. Just giving me shivers. It's a little better today though. But, I also want to thank Jenny again for taking me to my appointment. THANK YOU JENNY! :] HaHa. But, the weekend will be here shortly and I plan on going out and having fun. I also did some organizing in my room earlier. I felt very productive. I cleaned the dining room and folded laundry, then continued with the sudden burst of energy up to my room. Where I switched out some pictures that were in frames, hung my dresses up, cleaned/organized some of the junk under my bed, organized my books, etc. It was amazing how much I did actually. I was pretty impressed with myself. HaHa. But, I haven't had much going on since I updated last. It's been a sort of boring week. So, I'm going to end this entry here due to having no life and therefore nothing to write about. HaHa. Bye.

-Samm

duckie

:: 2009 17 March :: 1.41pm

So I finally sucked it up and applied at GRCC for their associates nursing degree program.

I'm terrified.
Of not getting accepted.
Of failing.
Of not being able to hold the GPA that is required.

In other news... I got fucked over by my job, so I'm currently job hunting like it's cool. It sounds like I'll be getting an interview with National City Bank, but I haven't heard anything for sure yet. Hopefully though I will get a phone call this week.

I finally got all of my taxes back though, so that should hold me over bill-wise at least for the next two months. I pray to god I'll have a job by then.

My car is all sorts of fucked up, and I was going to get it fixed with my tax return, but obviously that won't be happening. I also wanted to get my digital SLR, and that isn't working out either :[

I'm basically feeling rather discouraged about life in general. At least things with my love, friends, and family are wonderful. Aside from Kelly leaving in less than a month [sad face].

Idk.

4 comments | [x]

:: 2009 17 March :: 1.41am