silentcriez
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2005 17 June :: 6.20am
it must of been love
but its over now..
it must have been good
but i lost it somehow...
::I::Saw::Red::
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Cocopuff
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2005 16 June :: 2.54pm
:: Music: Jack Johnson-"Posters"
hmm
Its been so long since i wrote in this thing but i jsut randmly got the urge to write in here..
TEN DAYS TILL MY BIRTHDAY :-D!!!
well school is amost over, only finals left.. then im off to flordia for 2 weeks :-( i really dont want to go.. its to long to b away i think.. but what can i do?
"All this talk of getting old is getting me down my love.."
I cant believe that i only have two years of high school left.. it makes me sad to think abot.. it seems like it all just strated... and they say these days are the best times of are lives... thats scary.. with all the dram and shit that goes on EVERYDAY over nothing how can these times b the best.. and if they relly are then how much wores can life b?? and what about all these people i love?? am i really never goann see them after high school... that thought of that makes me so sick to my stomach...
all i know is that shit is all fucked up i guess.. and im jsut writing to my slef right now so im goann write my law final wich is worth my time...
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 16 June :: 2.27pm
You say you wander your own life
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
Youre gone from here, soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
Oh everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 13 June :: 6.26am
soo yesterday i went to scotties graduation party which was fun ryan sean joe and steph were there so it was obv good to see them :-)
n i was glad i got to spend some time with scottie n meet some new ppl
i miss you.....
i want you to come home..
im going crazyyyyyyyyy
the wind blows away the past
and the world watches helplessly
natural beauty hides beneath the skin
enveloping what ive hidden within
--and again i glance into your eyes
the sun shines down exposing the truth
truth which has been lost
pain which has been cast aside
taken by the hands of time
--and again rain falls from the sky
the clouds block my view
and sheild the light from my skin
containing all that i am in a whisp
in a feeling something like this
--and again i succumb to the lies
the earth quakes and i skip a step
im jolted now from side to side
turned inside out and i cant turn back
the skies awak and its fading into black
--and again a spirit dies
the moon rises high in silvery praise
dancing with the stars
which hide in the blackening sky
and i wont return, to wonder why
--glancing into your eyes..
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 12 June :: 12.21pm
im sorry scottie and joe :(
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 8 June :: 10.50pm
hm..
so i went home sick from school today cuz i felt like ass.. i woke up and i felt shitty so i smoked and then i just got a pounding headache and i was shivering, sweating, had a sore throat and i was all achey :( idk whats wrong with me i slept for 2 periods in the nurses office and then came home and slept and then dana came and got me.. we went back to his house for a little.. yum and then to jimmis for packing and shit.. so they left tonight for bonnaroo theyre gonna have so much fun!!
n then i came home n ryan and schotty came over around 8:30 i <3 them n we smoked n just hung out..
n now im up smoking a butt before bed.. yum
mwah
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 6 June :: 9.19pm
hm so jimmi dana nikkie joe and lizzy came over today.. we worked on the project and dana and jimmi grabbed the tent and mucho pot was smoked... yum.. haha kinda hard to keep focused on what we were trying to do :-p
im gonna miss dana and jimmi for a whole week :( but theyre gonna have fun im wickid jealous!!
ahhh well shits on my mind once again...
in the words of dana "All of your friends are gonna leave you"
harsh but true.. and i need to start realizing nothings forever..
not even life.. not even love.. not even anything..
hm..
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 5 June :: 10.59pm
bahhhh
so today was hotttt as hell but it was jimmis graduation so i went to the party with jena which was fun. didnt do much else exciting besides shower and talk on the fone aimlessly with dana.. hum.. they leave weds. im so jealous!!
hm. well i really dont have much else to write now except for the fact that i feel completely immature and i feel as if i have gone against everything ive built for myself as morals with this fighting and shit.. i mean thats not me and thats not who i want to be.. and ive been bad i ate a cheese burger and a taco that dana forced me to eat dammit... damn meat.. gr
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 3 June :: 4.26pm
im a lonely painter
speaking through my art
scenes which capture conversations
while never oozing a word
the tears of a painter go unheard
but never go unseen
fore' in the colors of paints
is how a painter bleeds
im a weak composer
bleeding through my words
notes which carry out my fears
enter naive ears
the pain of a composer
is constantly played down
fore' in the voice singing out
is how a composer drowns
im a lonley poet
hiding behind each phrase
contained by lines of a poem
is how im driven insane
the pain of a poet goes unfelt
but never is it dead
fore' in the rhythem hides a fear
thats never to be read
im lonely and im talentless
speaking though the words of others
like a parasite ill suck you clean
of all that you feel
the pain of a talentless man goes unseen
and always goes unheard
fore' when nobody else feels what i feel
the lonely man misses his turn
---
quiet pain
sad surringe
jam it into my veins
useless love
flacid heart
tearing up all thats sane
deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
ill thank you when you give me pain
ill beg you to let me be your slave
cool night
empty sky
nobody out there anymore
smooth skin
plenty holes
nobody wants you here no more
deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
sweet needle in my veins
give me pleasure give me pain
no more light
starless sky
questions go unanswered again
put me off
turn me on
if not now then when?
deep within you heal my heart
by silently tearing me appart
happy addiction you help me through
as i break myself in two
scarred face
sad eyes
humming me a tune
meaningless music
lyrics but no words
its all useless now itll be over soon
--
thoughts are fdlowing through my brain
and i dont know whats real
i dont know where i belong
its like im alone in a world
filled with millions who walk right by
why do i see them all
walking two by two?
why am i the only one
why am i alone
if looks could kill
id have died ten times over
if pain is love
then ive loved a thousand times
if only i could be beautiful
if only my thoughts could be beautiful
if only
--
pages fill up with useless drivel
im wasting away in this room
confined by four walls
contained by smoke
enveloped by you
its all a game its all a rotation
ill always end up back where i began
your words hit me
like bombs falling on a peacful city
and my words eat away at me
like a virus
like a disease, a paraiste
feeding, taking, and never giving
constant tension hold me here
and i cant move past
this wall ive built up around myself
this body armor protecting me
secluding me from the world
safe inside my thoughts
until i stumble upon a land mine
the walls around me crumble
and im exposed to the cruel world
to the reality
to the hate
and in that hate i see you
staring back at me with empty eyes
laughing at my insecurities
laughing at my lack of self respect
this is the first day
of the last try..
this is the first day
and my last cry
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 1 June :: 11.42pm
hmmmm that felt rather good ;-)
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 30 May :: 11.07pm
i sit up at night thinking of the same things. my mind is growing weary and im confused at what i should do..
so jimmi had a party and it was fun i was cocked.. hm.. the whole situation kinda made me upset and sad but whatever im a fuck up..
why cant i get you out of my head?
why cant i leave you alone?
why cant i get over stupid shit?
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?
god damn god damn god damn
-- song
have you ever spent the night
trying to make things right
but you end up driving yourself insane?
your thinking to yourself
wondering why the hell
you put youself through the pain?
have you ever watched the sun rise
while your by yourself getting high
trying to hold back the tears?
you brand yourself a lunatic
and think so hard it makes you sick
about where youll be in a few years
(chorus)
water falls down from the sky
we know how but we dont know why
pain is pleasure thats the way it goes
how to make it stop, nobody knows
have you ever smoked your lungs black
evoking the cancer you cant take back
you cough too much but you dont care
you need to feel that calm
you need some help to carry on
looking for a way to change but its not there
have you ever looked at yourself,
and wished that you were someone else,
ever thought that maybe you could change?
you want so bad to love yourself
but you dont so why should someone else
the girl in the mirror looks at you strange
(chorus)
have you ever called an old friend
they hang up on you but you call again
you need someone to heal your heart
the buzz of the dial tone
is an all too familiar tone
your beating heart serves as a twisted work of art
have you ever played it cool
wouldnt risk being the fool
but you end up dissapointing yourself anyways?
you wonder why you dont belong
you ask yourself why your not strong
you dont have nothing til you love the way you are
id trade my place and time for something
better than the life i am living
id trade what im receiving
for someone who intends on giving
something back before theyre gone
broken dreams hang like black clouds
walking though the dull crowds
wish i could tell you why im here..
(chorus)
have you ever laid awake
you feel your hands begin to shake
you wonder why your so afraid
you see an image in your head
of someone else in their own bed
you wonder why they have it made
have you ever questioned why your here?
the certain pain evokes a tear
but you whipe the drop away.
its purpose remains unknown
just like your heart and where your going
have you ever forgotten the point of what you wanted to say
your not here..
no your not here
have you ever tried
not to fear
have you ever..
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 29 May :: 2.00am
Here I am again
Talking to myself
Sitting at a red light
Both hands on the wheel
How am I supposed to feel?
So much running through my mind
First you wanna be free
Now you say you need me
Giving mixed signals and signs
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again
Push the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away
I keep coming back to you
Every time you're in the mood
To whisper something sweet in my ear
It's so hard to move on
Cause every time I think you're gone
You show up in my rearview mirror
Is this just a detour?
Cause I gotta be sure
That you really mean what you say
It's so hard to let you in
Thinking you might slam the brakes again
Push the pedal down
Heading out of town
Gotta make a getaway
The traffic in my brain's
Driving me insane
This is more than I can take
You tell me that you love me first
Then throw your heart into reverse
I gotta get away
To a place where I can be redefined
Where you're out of sight
And you're out of mind
But the truth is I can't even say goodbye
---
deep inside the lies
i see a mirror, i see your eyes in mine
im becoming you with each new step
i breath you in when you call my name
slowly im going insane
with every smile im drowning now
and i cant even stand on my own
drinking once again
to get you out of my head
even for a minute its good..
but then again, i taste your kiss
and somehow this insanity turns to smiles
and it remains the same for a while
then my heart is kicked, when its knocked down
my grin fades into a frown
i need to be alone again
sitting by myself in tears
i see her in your arms,
i want to slit her throat
make her feel alone for once
then you walk away
and whisper in my ears
all the things i want to hear
and again im in your arms
keep me safe from harm
just love me while your alone
take me home, and make me yours
not forever more, just for the night
well play the games
well do it just for fun
never one on one
were always pulling this game for 3
its her you and lastly me
a tug of war with both sides nailed
on a scale would you even say you care?
here i am talking to myself
debating dumb questions in my head
lay me in your bed
no matter how alone, in your arms i know
that for a moment you care
and when you touch my hair
and kiss my lips i pray ill always feel like this
i hope that it never goes away
then suddenly i know
the feelings start to go
and you walk out of the room
little do i know
your spewing out the same
stupid little games
the ones you play with me
id gladly walk away from you if i could say
i didnt have emotions attatched
but the truth is i cant
call me a tramp or a whore
but iys not just the sex keeps me coming back for more
your giving me a heart attack
turning my heart black
but even after all of that
id still beg to be your slave
ill pray it stays the same
and someday youll be wondering why
why you made me cry
and ill wonder why i stayed
dont know which way
im headed, i aint got no home
deep inside the lies
i see a mirror, i see your eyes in mine
im becoming you with each new step
i breath you in when you call my name
slowly im going insane
with every smile im drowning now
and i cant even stand on my own
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 28 May :: 12.06pm
im kinda confused and i dont understand why i feel the way i feel right now. i woke up on this beautiful day and i feel like sitting inside and crying in my bed because i have nothing to be happy for. everybody has somebody and im here alone in this world searching for somebody to finally care about me. why do i do this? why do i feel this way all the time? why do i need somebody to be happy?why do i need you? why do i want you? why? i dont know what it is that makes me have to be around you. your presence just makes me happy and i wish that you felt the same way i do..but instead you there happy in the sun and im here sitting inside crying..maybe im crazy.. but i dont know how to make it stop, i dont know any different..im sorry for this im sorry for being me im sorry for wanting you im sorry..
i dont know what else there is for me to do besides what ive done already.. i guess im just not good enough for someone to care about completely.. i think my goal for the summer is to lose weight, and then maybe ill be happy with myself and then maybe i wouldnt need the attention from the guys.. the reassurrance that im okay.. maybe then i wont cry all the time.. maybe.. well here goes.. i start today..
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 28 May :: 10.23am
ok so i havnt updated in a really long time.. anyways.. things have been going pretty good on the friends circut.. but boys on the other hand.. not so good! anywhoo..
domino my precious doggy got her wire cut and she had been gone for like 2 days.. then someone sed they saw her so we looked for so long.. and finnaly someone sed they dropped her off at the clinic, so we went to get her. then this morning when she woke up she couldnt walk.. and now she needs a cast (we requested a pink one) and im really sad.. but as long as she'll be okay..
anyways.. i dont really havee alot to write becasue i've been buisy.. work is going good.. come visit me at Bakery on the common sometme. ya.. uhhhmmm.
ohhh cheerleading tryouts are next weeki.. i really want top make varsity.. i havew been working my whole life for it.. and i just really hope my dream comes true :\
ALrighty.. if i see some comments i'll update more often...
-NikkiE
11 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 26 May :: 11.24pm
If I could hold you tonight, it would last me forever
But the time’s never right, when will we be together, oh no
If I could make you understand, what you’re doing to me
Maybe there will come a time, when sooner or later I will make you see, baby
If you need somebody, the way that I need you
If you wanted somebody, the way that I want you
::I::Saw::Red::
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