I work for Cutco now. I sell knives. I make 14.50 and appointment +incentive. It's a good job. It really is. I missed PDI this morning and i'm afraid to allow that kinda stuff to happen ever. I don't really want to lose this. I think that i have not been pushing myself for what i want lately. I want it to just come to me. So many sensible phrases contradict each other. Good things come to those who wait...but then you're supposed to work hard to get what you want. I'm not really sure how to handle things. The job...i'm trying to book up appointments and make sales and do well and everything, but i feel like i'm not doing very well with it. I constantly have people rescheduling on me, and not making sales and yada yada. I just wish that i was doing better with it. Like, today i have one appointment. It's Kelly, that's my used to be stepmom, and i'm hoping that she can at least give me a few reccomendations. I would call more people but our phone doesn't last through more than maybe one or two five minute phone calls. It's really a pain in the ass. So once i have paid my mom and Sara off...i'm going to definently have to pick up a cell phone. And start saving away money for the trips and stuff.

That reminds me...i'm really thinking that D.C would be a sweet idea for Spring Break. I think i'd wanna go alone, too. I think it would be nice to just be able to go explore D.C. I would miss people and everything...but it would be nice to just really get away from here. Maybe set up a show or two there for my time there. Yeah. I really think i'm going to do that. It's one place i think i could truly just go and have no distractions or anything. I wouldn't be with any of my friends, i wouldn't have my family around...it would just be me. The more i think about this, the more appealing it becomes. I need to check some prices for this.

School. That's another big thing in my life. Music Major...yeah. I'm doing it. I'm not dedicating myself worth a damn though. I wish i was just good. Of course, that takes all kinds of practice, and for some reason, lately, i just haven't been practicing as much. Through high school when i started playing music, i would just play music rather than doing my homework...now my homework is playing music and i seem to do everything else. I really need to apply myself or i'm going to regret it. Next semester I don't have to take so many shitty music classes. I really wish i didn't have to take sightsinging/ear training. That's the one that i really don't like. I am not a good singer. I can deal with that. I don't even really mind so much. I guess it may be for the best though. I just wish we were just playing instruments rather than singing. Next semester i've decided to take some guitar class/classes as well as more theory i think and no vocal music. I don't like having to take vocal music. I'm considering a vocal coach though. Darby coaches me a little and it helps. I only do it when recording though. So...it helps for a second. Ha.

I could talk about girls but it's just really not worth it anymore. I'm beyond spending all my time worrying about that. I guess i could mention that i'm finally really over Ashley. It's releaving. I can't say i have no feelings for her...because i always will...but what i felt is as gone as it can be. I'm happy without her. I don't want to be with her. She is a good person, but she is not for me. That's really all there is to it i'm pretty sure. Jeanette doesn't feel comfortable about it though. I can't really blame her. I was so hooked on Ashley. Like i've never been hooked on a girl. I thought i was bad about Rene...but i think that most of the time i was with Ashley, i was trying to convince myself that i was still in love with Rene. Then once Ashley and I were done, i had to try to be over her. I didn't think it'd ever happen...but then life fixed it's self, as it does. See...now i'm going into the girl thing. I guess it doesn't hurt to think about it. I mean...i'm kinda with Jeanette right now. I don't really know. She seems like she wants to take a break but doesn't want to lose me. I don't really know. I love her, but i think i could live without her okay. I think i would change if i lost her. But i would live. I could probably be happy even. Because, i mean...i've learned of other "choices" i have now. Choices i've wanted for some time now. Like...Johanna. She's definently shown a growing interest in there being something with her and I. She lives in Kzoo now though, and she doesn't want a relationship right now i'm pretty positive, but she does actually like me. But i have Jeanette. I want to keep Jeanette. I enjoy being with her. Lately it has just been rocky. But these things take time. If things are to work themeselves back to the way they were, i believe that i will just try to see if she wants a relationship. Because i am pretty much positive that i will. I could see being with her for a long while. But if it's not what she wants...i'd deal with it. I think my new friend Amanda likes me too. She's really cute and sweet and I don't even know if she realizes that Jeanette and I are an item. I'm never sure about if i make it clear. I'm not good at that. It used to be on purpose, now i just don't like rubbing what i have in single peoples faces. especially recently dumped/emotional ones. Besides, i don't think i'm leading her on or anything.

I feel like i have less on my mind now, so this was at least temporary relief from that whole thing. Maybe it's really been theraputic. yep.

vent?
shit. i don't really know what to write in here. I'm dating Jeanette or whatever now. Not official because i don't like official. Pickin my classes formy first semester at MCC. Taking Music classes up the ass. Then a couple basics, and i think Yoga. Ha. Yoga. That is sweet. I figure Yoga will be likely to keep me sane. If i can't get into a Yoga class, i'll just have to take it up in my spare time.

Anyways, i was just discussing with Jay Jay how i haven't wrote in here in a while. I spend practically every night with her. I took her virginity. I never intended on that. I really didn't think anything would happen between her and i for quite sometime, if at all. I had always hoped, but realistically...i dunno. Now at times i wonder if it came too soon. There is still so much about her that makes me wonder if it's what i want. I mean...she's still young. I just hope that she grows how i want her to. That sounds dumb, but i mean, realistically, if she stays how she is now, i will not stay with her. Like, a girl like her who was my age, i would have 0 interest in. from the hair to the piercings to the...i don't know. It's mainly appearance i suppose, but i like girls who present themeselves well. Like Ashley and Rene. I really admired the way they presented themselves. I don't really like the way Jay Jay puts herself out there. She wears revealing clothes, has colorful standoutish hair, piercings, wears all kindsa patches and stuff...she's just like begging for attention. Plus she has this magnetic personality. And she's really outgoing. So i mean, she doesn't really NEED to standout, her personality does that enough. Besides, i don't really like the look. But it's her body and her life. So i mean, whatever she wants to do of course. But personally, i don't like it.

That was a dumb rant. I think i should probably just shut up. I don't feel like venting to be honest.

So it's been awhile...
girl 'troubles' i suppose are the common thing that i write about in here. I'll keep that up a bit. I'd rather talk to someone, but there's a waiting period for that. Really.

Chazity just called me up really intoxicaited and we talked. Why did i talk to a drunk girl about anything serious? Yes. I made her cry. I was honest with her about Jay Jay and I. She was hung up on the Ashley thing though. Jay Jay is too. But Chazity thought that Ashley had come back into the picture and that was who had come into the picture. In actuallity, of course, it was Jay Jay.
fuck it.

buddy.
I just went and sat with buddy for a while. It's weird how well i think when i just go sit in my car. i can't help but become all sentimental about everything. There are so many good memories to think about. Ashley didn't ride with me much, but for some reason, i of course think about her. It's as simple as a piece of brown string. Ashley tied brown string around my wrist once. I kept it on for quite a while, but for some reason, i took it off. I think it was for an interview or something. Anyways, i took it off, and i put it on my visor thingy. I always kept it there hoping people would ask me about it. I liked telling people about Ashley. Only a couple people ever asked about it. But then i have one in my room too, with a flower hanging from it. The flower she gave me on the night we went to see a show together in GR. She said that she didn't want me to be sad, so she bought me a flower. First girl to ever buy me a flower. And i hung it by the piece of string that she had as a necklace, which she took off in my car. i kept it cuz it was hers. I used to not regret what happened with Katherine simply because i thought that it brought me close to Katherine, who i have since become close with. Like a best friend. Or i did. I just don't care anymore. I regret every single second that anything happened with anyone but Ashley. I want her back so fucking bad. I can't even begin to explain it. I try and try and try and know that i'm not finished because the words never really express it. I can't put it into words, i can't put it into actions. It is something that i can really only feel. She makes me feel like me. She makes me a better person. She makes me love. I just. God. I can't explain a word of it. Love is probably the closest thing that i can think to say. I've thought about showing her this journal, but i know it wouldn't make a difference. I don't even want it to make a difference i guess. The only thing i want different is to be with her again. I would be so good to her. I can't believe i lost her. We were so perfect together. I want it so badly. I can't write this at all. I just keep typing hoping that i'll find some sort of logic amongst my thoughts. Like i'll just be typing every single thing i think and then suddenly maybe i'll type something that will give me some sense of clarity on what i'm supposed to do or something. It doesn't work. I miss her so much. Holding her was so right. It hasn't changed. When i see her it's just so fucking perfect. I can't be with anyone but her. I'm trying the whole Chazity thing. I like her. but that's all. I like her. She's not my type. That sounds dumb, but she's such a girl. Like...a dumb girl. I have a feeling i'll end up with her because i really am not getting anywhere as far as getting Ashley back. I mean no disrespect to Bill, even though i think i might hate him, i'm not sure, but i want her back bad. I am so in love with her, and i know she loves me. I just fucking know it. I feel bad for dating or whatever. Like, everytime i kiss someone else or anything, i feel like i am probably doing something wrong. I know it's not wrong, and that's the only thing that keeps me doing it. It's just pretty fucking pathetic when i picture one girl as a different one so that it doesn't feel wrong. I look for the ones who have things in common with her. I compare them to her. I think about how her and i were. I won't be happy in a relationship unless it's with Ashley. I hope someone proves me wrong because i really think i have lost her. I really really hope not.

it's never felt like this.

i seriously just want love again.

in a perfect world
in a perfect world
the snow flakes and the stars
blended perfectly in silvers and whites
through the windshield of your car
on a perfect night
there were christmas lights and a glow
and my bed held us as captives
when my words were all that you needed to know

Through everything that happened
i was busy picking out your flaws
so focused on making a disaster
i was your one and only fault
Through all the fun we had
through all the good times and the bad
you kept the sparkle in the eye
but i lost grip of your hand

the pressure of today
comes with a head full of noise
but to no dismay
i still find a clarity in your voice
and i know you're better off
having your own sense of self
now all that i can find to want
is to be the one who helps

i know now that the world will never be perfect
i'll always be there to tear it down
i know in my mind the perfect night has a sunrise
and i know i'll just have to watch the sun drown




i can't say i care how bad that is. i don't write much anymore and it's not so much to be a good poem/song...it's to free this from my chest.

long time no talk.
There's so much to say. So much happening. I don't know where to begin, so for now i'll just sleep.