logic will break your heart.
So when i get bored/lonely/attention starved i tend to end up talking to Serra. What the hell is that about? She has a way of being there...not meaning anything...but being there. That's all that matters sometimes i guess. When you feel like you're alone i mean. Seems like everyone has their someone in life that means SO much to them and i know i'm not that to anyone...cept maybe Cathy...but when it comes down to it...i think that's more so Matt. So really...no one. I do believe i used to mean alot more to people. That's all but faded. I hate when people mean just as much to me...but i mean less to them, that's such a painful thing. Whatever though...if it means more to those people...good for them.

I can't write songs anymore. It's gone. Good for me.

I feel like i'm being stabbed in the back. Any takers on who's doin' it? I seriously have no idea...but i feel like someone is stabbing me in the back...whoever it is...whatever...

He's comin' back soon...fuck...

So maybe i'll get my car soon...and my lisence. I've said it before because i've believed it before...what's different this time? Not much...just not getting my hopes up.

Break a promise once and you'll do it again...the story of life.

damn i'm negative...shut up.

The Truth.
So...what's been going on in life lately...

Hardly ever seeing Rene still and still worrying that these problems aren't a temporary thing but still attempting to give all i can because regardless of any other thing in my life...i am in love with her. It can be...frustrating i think is the word i'm looking for. But one thing that's so frustrating about it is that it's not really that frustrating at all. I worry about it still though. If i can't believe that she wants to be with me and if we don't see each other or anything...it won't work out. There's more to it that i want to say...alot more...but this is a rough sketch, the deeper detail is really only something i'd want to talk to Rene about if i really knew how.

People are saying shit about Cathy and I dating and it's hilarious. With Rene and I while i was with Serra...that i could totally see why and it really made sense...but Cathy and I...that's crazy. I had my chance with her and i didn't want it and she knows that and she knows how in love with Rene i am.Cathy and I don't even remotely flirt or anything. I am her best friend and people need to just shut the hell up and realize that there isn't and won't ever be an interest there. In me i know at least and i'm really sure she doesn't have any interest in me. She did...but that's gone.It's just a friendship and i think it's really dumb that people would mention it. Whateva...not even an issue...just thought i'd mention it.

My bands are going...perfect. Cupid Stunts is awesome. I love it. We got our drummer and he's phenomonal. It's to be expected with his experience though. Moorland...i audition tomorrow. I'll make it...i just have to be sure i want to be in the band. I'm not really 100% sure. They're good...i just don't know. The summer band too...that's really fun. Not too much talent floating around...but it's people i've known for years and we just have fun and stuff...i dig it. Jazz band. Yeeeeah. This is gonna help me alot with my guitar playing. I'm learning to read music as well as it having the ability to boost my Cumulative GPA because it will be another A for me next year. Also it will potentially get me a reputation in the music community for my guitar playing. I guess i'm gaining one for my bass playing. Or at least i will be. I'm starting to. But Guitar is my big thing. It's my love. It's my passion. Bass is a good time.I could go on and on about playing music...

I'm so in love...not with music...with Rene. Really. It's weird to think that through everything that's going on...every second i get to just sit and think...that's like the first thing to pop onto my mind and i start to smile. I am not any less in love with her than i have ever been. I just hope we can work all this shit out or i won't be able to start enough things in life to ignore how sad not having her makes me. In love.

Corey

i love the way you think but i hate the way you act...
Talked to Ann last night about her and her boyfriend...she needed help and i helped her. I saw her for about a second today too. She didn't wanna leave but she was with people. I get to see her soon. Like actually hang out with her. That's a good thing i think. It's cool to have her in my life. We've changed so much as far as our friendship...but she's still Ann really...just not the Ann that i used to look at her as. That's a good thing too.

Cathy and Matt are finally done. That's weird...

i'm done writing for now...i don't wanna write...i wanna talk.

So let's examine the situation...

okay there is no situation.

Last night I went to GH with Lins,Cathy,Matt,Nicole,Justin...and that's all.No Rene.Sadly. I keep being places where she should be with me and stuff. I did have a good time though.OJ and a beautiful sky.

I had rest for the first time in a while last night.I woke up and just felt okay.It's usually not that way.I could've used more of it...but i'll take what i can get. I had very weird dreams that i hardly remember at all now. All kinda weird people in them and weird stuff as well.

Staying with Chris and Mom (Katie) tonight and tomorrow night. I'm gonna feel dumb waking up as early as i know i will. I wake up early and it'll prolly be earlier than everyone else.I'll just like go for a walk or something. Those tend to help. Get me in touch with life outside of music. It's good to have that...I love it...but music is really good for me. But i have yet to lose touch with reality. I know i'm in love and that's not gonna fade. I know have a few good friends...and they're not gonna fade anytime soon that i can see.I have my family...they're my family and they wouldn't fade no matter how hard i wanted them to.I'm still in touch with reality...but i love my music.That's not all i love though...

love.

corey

as good as it can get...
doesn't always cut it.again..music to the rescue because all else fails...

practice today...good stuff.i try not to think it's the only reliable thing.i really really do.music has been the perfect thing for me for so long now.longer than anyone tends to stay this helpful to me.i want to give music up.i want to see what happens if i don't have it.music is my best friend.my guitars are my best friends.the notes and chords are my best friends. The beats are my closest friends.i mean...i'm supposed to love music...but it's becoming ridiculous. I don't just do it when i'm down. Don't think that.It doesn't mean i don't love other things and other people...i just know at the end of everything i have my music and that's what gets me through better than anyone or anything has thus far in my life.

could just be my mood but i seem to feel like that alot lately.i don't know...i'll judge better when people are back to normal...but maybe this is normal now...

maybe i don't even know who this is about...my head is a little cloudy.
i remember back when
i was your best friend
you wanted every second for me
at least every second you were free
from the bars of the life
that surrounded your cage

when the kisses were like flowers
either all over or waiting to bloom
whether we were on the couch
or we weren't even alone in the room
when the people weren't around
you know i didn't fear a look from you
and everyone in the whole town
could see quite plainly through

you won't know for a second if this one is for you
it could be for a few...and only i know the truth
if it's quite what i think or mixed up thoughts in action
if there's still a second in store maybe it would be passion
or maybe that's passed,or maybe it's now
maybe someday i'll understand
just maybe somehow.

so yeah....
good to be out with the guys some nights. I'm tired....and i need to take care of myself. ACT...gotta be there @ 8am. Today i did end up seeing Rene for about a split second...enough for a kiss so i guess that was cool. She couldn't come over afterwards like i had been planning on...

I was going through the MHS page and i found the bands awards and contrary to what Rene told me...we DO compete in marching band competitions and do very well. And yes...our Jazz band is outstanding...so i'm excited to potentially be joining that. I'm feeling like a bit of a band geek about it. That's not good...i don't like band geeks...they annoy the fuck out of me. And i've got quite a bit of fuck pent up in me lately...so that's bad.

8 am on a saturday becomes more and more annoying everytime i think about it...i've had trouble getting up and to school on time the past few days...Sunday i think i'll sleep late as hell. I better...otherwise i'll sleep my Spring Brake away. It's braking at a yield sign...not a stop yet. I need a full on stop for something. Life...yeah...

obladi...oblida...

a few minutes of free time...
So here's what i do...i write in this thing.

One day i'm second guessing...the next i'm second guessing the second guessing...third guessing?Something like that...

Get too confused...damn it.I wanna say something.Deaf ears? Bleh.

Today Serra sent me a picture of Cyndie...that's weird. My first kiss.She just had her first kid...Aiden Caleb Frost. The dad is Kyle Frost. I'd met him at her house and he hated me from the second i walked in.Now she's having his kids. She told me she didn't even like him when she introduced me and she stuck to that story for a long time.It's so weird...

And Serra was trying to get me to talk to her about Rene and I's sex life. And then about her and I's sex life.I did discuss that with her for a second...but it didn't feel right...so i kinda dropped that. Then her and Abby called me. She won't get off of my back about coming over or at least hanging out.It's such a pain...

Speaking of pain...no...nevermind...

the lows are so extreme that the good seems fuckin cheap...

Eff...tonight i'm gonna hang out with Jordon and Scott i think. That's good. Burgers and bowling.and Beer...root.That's cool though...unless they ditch me.I have to try to get some money.

Spring Break...or i'll say Spring Brake...isn't going to be how i want it to and i know it. Oh well i guess.It won't be as disappointing as last year hopefully. It didn't even involve me at all and it still grosses me out.

People with loose morals and values disgust me. People do such stupid things. I am in no way perfect but i don't do stupid shit like them.It's ridiculous and gross.Sick.

Girls are...yeah. So are guys...but not the ones i hang out with. Really. I used to think alot higher of the girls that i would hang out with and i don't know why. The majority have done such stupid things and/or still do. It's unreasonable.They have no real good reasoning.They know it's stupid and they keep doing it.It's never helped a thing. It's disgusting...makes me have lowered views of them as people...and just in general...just..."erks" me.

Anyways...new band practice tomorrow.Playing bass with talented people.Good good.Maybe they'll be honest about my musical talent too. Or should i say maybe i'll believe them. Who's problem is it? Me or the world? Come on now...i think we know the answer.

to summarize...

Girls=bad
music=good.

no offense Rene...you know i love you.

if i could only be better than you..
april fools...?

eh...
i'm thinkin' maybe i'll do the virginia thing...i think i'm starting to need some time away from here...

shit is confusing me and i just don't know right now. I reallly am confused and my head hurts...

i'm very much ashamed of my self and unhappy with my being of a person. I am weak. I feel like nothing. Second rung. Mid priority at most. I am weak. I am weak. I know that. I can't overcome myself and it's fucked up. I think i need to just fill every second of every day up with things that don't let me really think.I remember back when i had people to talk to. Like people would do anything to stay up and talk with me. Now i have nobody to talk to. Nobody listens when i need to talk.Nobody talks when i need to listen.Nobody is there when i need them the most. Nobody. I just don't feel like this is all for the best sometimes...

Maybe i'd be better off starting a new life somewhere.

Rene i'm sorry you read all this shit...you're amazing...serious...i'm sorry you put up with me...you deserve someone who deserves you...i'm sorry i've got you to love me...you have no idea what you mean to me...maybe that's it...i love you. Just know that. I love you.