choking on the ashes of her enemy
breyer's ice cream sucks because, in its normal state, it tastes like any other kind of ice cream once it's been freezer burned. it's all hard and crunchy and dumb.

just cuz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there
i think the subject of today's entry would have worked much better with my last bit about thinking and feeling and how nothing is anything and everything is something but something isn't anything unless it's nothing.

regardless of my theory on feelings, they still work. and i'm not anything enough to think better.

black
why do we use the same old archetypes in literature and art and music? i guess we have to. is it an inherited part of our consciousness that we know what is good or evil, happy/sad, strong/weak, etc., or do we just swallow everything fed to us? these are rhetorical questions.

i feel like one of those puppy dogs, situated like a sphinx on the ground, with my muzzle pressed on top of my paws.

there's always some bullshit ladder to climb.

i'd rather be eaten by alligators that surround castles.

so, there's love, and then there's pain, and there's happiness, and there's anger, and there's yay and there's i want to die, and there's wow and there's fuck, and there's all this crap. it's nothing. some synapse in your brain gets jumped by a neurotransmitter and BAM! suddenly there's a feeling, all in your brain, nothing you can physically feel, and you label it as something you perceive as either "good" or "bad." and the absence of these electrical pulses is what make us "feel" like we feel nothing, like we're blank and blah blah blah. so we only feel human because we think we feel. who says you feel anything? you don't feel. you think. so think better. it's all a big scam.

cat scratch fever
what up fools. go back to school.

currently i am listening to my new mp3 player, courtesy of - you guessed it - beth and kevin! it was actually a really nice graduation gift. when i opened it, i was like, "wow this is great... um... what is it?" it looks like a pager. i hate how things nowadays are so damn small, you need a toothpick to operate the buttons. i understand the whole "compact is best" attitude, but bah.

i have wounds from the backseat of my car! there's a damn wire that sticks out of the seat... nicole knows what i'm talking about, it used to attack us when we were little. we cut it down but i guess it grew back! ahh! the caprice is alive!

i'm so happy. i guess i forgot what it feels like to be content. but let me tell you, it is an awesome feeling. if you have the means, i highly suggest you take full advantage. and just fucking live, quit that "holding back" shit. just do what feels good (i'm not advocating sex or drugs though, damn kids!).

last week, craig and i drove down to akron, oh. we visited our good friend, ashleigh. the road trip was great for our male bonding. we watched monty python and ate dinner at boston market. yahoo! certain people are hot, yay!

it's so funny how, when i'm happy, i don't write much. i'm too busy enjoying myself. so, i'm sorry to all of my fans ;-) cuz i know you all check this first thing when you wake up, and right before you go to bed too. i promise kids, i'll write you a book one day, and the laurence vanden boom sarcasm, pessimism, optimism, realism, idealism, innocence, cynicism, blah blah blah will be ever-present, and ya'll can shake your heads and laugh at me.

i'm in the mood to write but don't know what to say! that really sucks. cuz i get in moods where i can think of these wonderful subjects and ideas, and yet, can't seem to get them down on paper.
what does that mean? you're a natch! you're crazy in the coconut!

it's about time i speak out about the song "soot and stars" by the smashing pumpkins. the song, in a word, is amazing. make that, fucking amazing. there's so much about it that makes it beautiful. billy corgan is a musical genius. the melody of the song is so simple, and it never changes throughout the whole song, but that only adds to the energy and emotion that the song provokes. it creates this never-ending sadness and longing and need to crawl up in a ball while you endure the pain and hurt of corgan's 6 minute lament. there's no verse/chorus/verse pattern. it's just the same constant note pattern over and over, and billy keeps spewing out stanzas like it's a poem. i've always loved that about corgan's songs... they read like poems. he's brilliant. the lyrics themselves are the best lyrics i've ever come across in one song. and the way he sings brings everything to life, it makes every word have meaning. it's so honest. it would give the chills to even the hottest hot tamali.

do you think i believe it when enrique iglesias whines about being my hero?

there was a beautiful thunderstorm tonight. yes, i think natural "disasters" are beautiful. there's something about storms. the way the air turns cool... so slowly and calmly it spreads over the sticky summer heat, bringing with it massive, dark clouds... the raindrops start a light sprinkling, their quiet patter covering the pavement... and then the wind picks up and whips at the tree branches, so easily twisting and bending those monstrous limbs... a burst of lightning lights up the whole sky, the ground, and you can feel it burn a slash through your eyes... the distant sound of diffused thunder rolls in, closer and closer... and then everything explodes... the rain, the lightning, the thunder. storms are one of the main reasons i love life... when i love it.

within you, without you
we were talking about the space between us all
and the people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
never glimpse the truth - then it's far too late when they pass away

we were talking about the love we all could share
when we find it
to try our best to hold it there
with our love
with our love we could save the world if they only knew

try to realize it's all within yourself
no one else can make you change
and to see you're really only very small,
and life flows on within you, and without you

we were talking about the love that's gone so cold
and the people
who gain the world and lose their soul
they don't know - they can't see
are you one of them?

when you've seen beyond yourself
then you may find peace of mind is waiting there
and the time will come when you see
we're all one
and life flows on within you, and without you

a rare occurance
today was nice. tiring. but still nice.

it was my last day of high school forever. goodbye to assigned parking, passes to use the bathroom, and best of all, all those idiots that crowded up the hallways everyday! woo hoo! but of course, i'm gonna miss my fabulous teachers and pals.

i went to pacific sunwear and got some sexy jeans today. i had to exchange the pair i got on monday because - i can't believe i'm actually saying this - they were too loose. so i had to get a different pair. well, they're damn hot, so the fashion police are gonna have to give me a new award. i already have 679 so far. this will be my 670th fashion award! score!

i've gotten about 80 hours of sleep in the past two weeks, i'm due for a long-ass nap, but i feel like i'm anothony keidis and i can't stop to actually sleep.

i think i need to thank ms. marr for assigning so many damn papers every month this year - i'm a pro at writing papers the night before! that's a plus. thanks marrrr matey!

being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. i don't know if i agree with that statement or not. i mean, if he's talking about that crappy "growing up" stage at like age 13... then hell no, that sucked! i'd rather be 18 than 13 anyday. but then again, i think i'd rather be 4 than any other age at this point. being grown up makes you turn into this retarded animal that lives for sex. and i don't mean that in the literal sense, i just mean, once you start noticing people, that's the biggest thing in your life. unless you're danielle. maybe i'm just a dorky romantic type or something. what the hell do i mean, "maybe"? of course i am! did you know that? i need help. being 4 was wonderful though. staying home with my mom, playing all those crazy fun make believe type games, pretending to be a secret agent, making tents and hideouts out of everything, riding bikes with walkie talkies, getting ice cream from the ice cream man, all that stuff. i'm glad i wasn't some kid born in the `90s - sick, i might have grown up on barney and video games and a computer! talk about terrible.

lately, my mind's been in a blender. it sucks how your heart and your brain are so different. and how you can feel different things based on whichever one is more dominant inside you. i mean, you can always repress stuff... but it sucks. i don't know what to do! i haven't really known what to do for a long time. almost a year now. i used to know exactly what i wanted and why and blah blah blah. not anymore.

it's not so bad
all day, i kept smelling something that smelled good, and i thought it was someone else. but... maybe it was me. cuz i kept smelling it. and it wasn't anyone else.

prom is friday. i'm looking forward to the food more than anything. and going bowling afterward, of course. i get to sleep in tomorrow cuz we have a half day so all the dorks in 11th grade can take the MEAP test. haha.

school's alright. but i'm ready for the summer and to go to california! i even had a cool dream about it last night. this last month of school is going to be insane.

i'm so tired... i need a nap. this entry was bad, i'm sorry.

pink and gray
stephanie and joe are out of control. it's sorta scaring me... not in a bad way, but in a "oh may god!" kind of way.

billy corgan, thank you.

i slept in nice and late today. it was beautiful. i had a fabulous dream. heh. i ate 1/4 bowl of generic brand cinnamon toast crunch. i took a shower. i walked around in boxers and a t-shirt with damp hair and glasses until about 5:00 pm. i folded clothes, brought them all upstairs, and made my bed. finally i threw on some jeans, and dyed some eggs. then i ate wendy's for dinner. i'm going out with stephanie, probably gonna do some java.

i love sexy guitars. oh man. for example, the riff in the song i'm listening to right now. that's sexy.

my neck feels all sick and stiff like it needs to be cracked. bah.

my allergies are doing better, sort of. my nose isn't leaking like a faucet anymore. my throat's still itchy though, and i cough every now and then. let's hope it goes away so i can enjoy my spring break.

all these girls online have their away messages up that say:
OH MY GOD, COUNTDOWN TO HEAVEN: 1 DAY!! YAY! I'M FINISHING PACKING!
wow. i think i'd be depressed if all i got to look forward to in my life was alcohol, sex, and scantily-clad teenagers on a beach.

flight canceled
two days ago, it was 80 degrees out. today it's like 35 degrees out. i think the drastic change in weather is making my head crazy... my nose is so runny, i keep sneezing, and my throat is super dry and itchy. hooray for allergies!

cold weather makes everything seem so mundane and unproductive. the cold air spreads through your body and slows every movement down. it even makes your brain operate slower. of course, the same thing happens when it's super hot out too. you melt. you sit in a sweaty heap. it's better to just slurp on a popsicle than move around.

well, currently, my life is... um. there's really no way to describe it. i live here, you live there. i gotta write a thousand things over this break. yeah, spring break basically started today. and it's supposed to be cold next week. and all my pals will be gone. and i have no drive, no desire for anything. cuz the one thing i wanted and the one thing that gave me inspiration and made me want to get through this year is canceled. you know, sorta like a flight.

it's not like i don't laugh. i still do.

it's always only 10% fruit juice
what really saddens me is when people ask me what's wrong, and all i can say is, "i'm just tired." they know i'm lying. my question is, do they really care what's wrong with me? do they seriously want to know? or is it that they want me to get over whatever i'm depressed about so that i can make them laugh?

so, i will tell you what is wrong. my body and soul are together as one. and i want to get out of this body, and off this body-filled earth.

didn't make sense to you? read plato's "phaedo".

much like suffocating
today is april 7, and it snowed. not just a light dusting, but some big fat flakes. there's like 4-6 inches out there! which is pretty fabulous. i do enjoy the snow. it may be cold, it may turn wet, it may cause you to slide around while driving... but it also makes for a pretty sight, and helps people appreciate the other seasons. or so i would hope. humans can never appreciate what they actually have, they can only appreciate what they don't have. it will never make sense, but it will always be that way.

i went to a retirement home today after school for NHS. it really made me sad. i can only imagine how frustrating it must be when you get old. the feeling like you're worthless and just a burden. i don't even feel right living here and i'm only 18. i was thinking about how i'd feel, if i was old, lost everyone close to me - my parents, sisters, friends, etc. - and had to live all by myself and couldn't take care of myself. looking at younger people; watching them write, lift things, push heavy carts, play sports, and other stuff like that, and thinking, "i used to be able to do that, too." when i'm 80, will i regret the fact that i never went rock climbing while i had the chance? how lonely of a time it must be. one of the saddest things i've ever seen was an old woman, sitting all by herself, watching a little girl jump around and be cute like little kids are, and i saw the look on the old woman's face. i couldn't handle it. i knew exactly what she was thinking, i was thinking the same thing too. but then i started wondering what else the woman could have been thinking about... childhood friends gone, parents passed away, siblings dying from terminal illness. and how she missed the simple happiness that comes along with being an innocent little child. i wish more people could be appreciative and respectful of old people. they know so much more than us. they don't need computers or dvds to have fun. there is so much we could learn from each other, young and old, and use it to better our lives. we're all gonna be old one day, why not value the importance of old age now?

some days are just right for feeling. there's the right amount of coldness, and cloud cover, and sad music. and things just click in your head. the way you stare at an ordinary object suddenly changes. and in that single instant, there is no war, there is no hate, there is no money to create greed or revenge. there is only a squishy, gray organ with nerves and synapses set inside a skull.

and then the phone rings.

rest in peace