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the end is the beginning is the end

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moana

:: 2004 24 April :: 12.27pm
:: Mood: not quite sober and not quite happy
:: Music: silver fins - butterfly wings

lyrica
butterfly wings flapping in your breast
standing on the moon, waiting for a shameful saying
what a day it's just a way to say you're sorry
the sand in my grasp, scarrs the water that you bathe in
***
falling down, it's the snow from a dead tree
lifted by spring and the streams that melt into me
to learn your wish is a spell that will wash your craving
leave it cold, shivering clean and contemplating
***
growing up to start to like your face and your neck
watching close the ways of breaking and mending it
turn your back on your life, it sounds amazing
you thought it was dust, but it scars you and it's raining
***
silence in adultery, through the winds it's shaded
lifting you up to a place that you once hated
a hand in the clock and another held to your breast
butterflies still flapping tiny wings to your breast
***

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moana

:: 2004 24 April :: 12.18pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: a perfect circle - rose

i'm so miserably obsessed with this song
i'm sitting here wondering what life would be like without me. i don't mean what MY life would be like, duh, but what would everyone else be like? what kinda family would there be in my place? would my parents have even gotten a divorce? what would my brother be like? my mother and father, what would they be like? what kind of place would they live in?

what about my friends, what would they be like? what kinds of inside jokes would they be missing without me? would there even be any? would they be happier, or less happy? would they have more fun or less fun? what would they talk about? where would they go hang out? would barney have met andy and concubine? what about AC? would she have met them all or would they have just been casual aquiantances? what would faisal be like? what would zach be like? what would fara7 be like? would they be the same, or have i changed any of them?

what would my teachers be like? my classes? the people that know my surface? what kinds of smiles would there be in school? what kinds of jokes? who would people tell their burdens to if i wasn't there to listen? where would they turn to if i wasn't there to say "it's ok, i've been through worse"?

things to think about, things i'll never know the answer to i suppose.

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nerdalert

:: 2004 24 April :: 9.27am

last night rocked
so first we had the lacrosse banquet at the bowling alley. and for the paper plate awards i got "silent but deadly" and the picture looks like im taking a huge ass shit on the field. its really funny.

then we came back and partyed! it was great fun. but im still burping banana taste and every time i burp it makes me want to barf, and thats not fun. but anyway, so i go over to twin and me and sandi went up to kaitlyns room where there were a bunch of other people. started off the night there, and then went to libbie lizzie victoria and beths house.

it was basically a lacrosse party.....me, sandi, kaitlyn, perry, sarah, beth, libbie, and lizzie. but there were some other people there too, i think his name was jessie (sandi and kaitlyn kept calling him jessafuckalupagus) and kaitlyns roommate too.

their house was fun, i think the walk there was fun too, i wasnt wasted yet, but i was tipsey. when we got there, perry who was sober told us not to walk on the grass bc she didnt think it was the right house, but it was. that house was huge, but the bathrooms were weird, one had a handle on the inside of the door that was like at my knee cap, i thought i was stuck in the bathroom for a whie till i found that. then the one downstairs has like a slanted ceiling, and i totally bashed my head hard core on that. but to tell you the truth i didnt really feel it, so either it was after i was wasted or i didnt hit it that hard. then, me and sandi were looking all over for a light switch, but there wasnt even a light on the cieling, but we didnt realize that one. when i found a lamp, it was SOOOOOOO bright we both fell backwards onto some couches.

i dont remember how much i had, i konw i had 3 shots in kaitlyns room, but really it was 4.5 bc they were 1.5 shot glasses. then i just like guzzled from the bottle, like 3 times, so i probably had like 9 or so shots, woo i was gone. but i still remember so its not that bad.

we all hung out in the kitchen for a long time and passed around the 99 bananas, i think i finished the bottle off, and everyone was like "yeah freshman, takin it without a chaser!" and then i think they gave me water to chase it with, which is like pointless bc it doenst taste like anything. hahaha oh i went to the sink and got water in my hands to drink, lol, then i think beth told me to use a cup, but i was done so i dont think i did. haha oh well.

then we went to two frats. ohh and on the way there everyone was all drunk and hanging on each other to walk, and we saw a cop sitting right in front of the frat we were going to (delt sig) so we all got like stone faced, and walked in complete silence (which im sure wasnt obvious bc he had to see us all stagering through the parking lot toward him) we got across the street and into the frat safely. and then we all broke up, me and sandi went up stairs into mckee's room, but i dont remembe his first name, all i remember was me and sandi and him were doing an irish dance and we took a picture bc were all mc's and irish, mchenry, mccarthy and mckee. i met a lot of people in his room but the only ones whos names i remember are his and this girl melissa who had a red baseball hat on.

then we went to sig new. we saw jenks and emily there, and a shit load of other people, but i reallllly dont remeber there too much. all i konw is i peed there and started burping and it tasted like banana and it was making me sick. so we went outside. and there were 2 guys out there that we were talking to, sandi knew one of them. then i started like gaging bc the banana taste, like dry heaving kinda. but i never threw up (im a champ damn it!). then we saw poole, and i think she walked back to twin with us, but i dont know why. i definatly slept in sandi's room, and tehre was no chance that i was gonna make it back to wesley. so i laid down and i think someone put a garbage can by me, bc they thought i was going to vomit, but i laid down and fell like right asleep. even though the room was spining at like 3935180935835 miles an hour.

well that was last night.......good time!

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moana

:: 2004 23 April :: 2.53pm
:: Music: silver fins - waiting so long

damn bakasan!
manga isn't out yet. *waits patiently*

not sure where to begin. wednesday was blissfully sleep-filled. yesterday was fun to the bone. i woke up at 7 (which wasn't really fun) and carried my caffeine and sleep deprived ass to school. faisal was there too, for SAT workshop, and we spent the morning together, making fun of the chemistry kids who were in class on thursday morning. what a way to spend a weekend. well when my class finally arrived, we started filming and working and i'm pretty impressed with how much we got done. it's looking good. thats not interesting, but after my mom picked me up we went to marina mall and i asked the lovely people at virgin about getting a summer job. they gave me a number to call. i'll do that sometime this next week. i also bought a posable chun-li model. i'm obsessed with it. my brother took me to this part of virgin where they sell collecter's item action figures from ancient animes, games and such. there's grandizer, street fighter, twisted land of oz, spawn, terminator, it's insane. there's even volume 1 statues. AND AND AND! LIVING DEAD DOLLS! i love it there. i (heart) it. so after i ran some errands with my mom, she dropped me off at barney's, where we hung out until 5:45 (i know this for a reason, dont laugh) and went to marina AGAIN. this time, with freshmen! well all these good little girls are so facinated by me, keep asking me about boyfriends and kissing and that kinda thing. it was funny and flattering. i taught them to play penis! woohu! well at around 7 or 8 we went back to Tara's house and about half an hour after we get there, blag calls. let me put it this way. we didn't get off the fone until saleem got downstairs, at around 10. it was nice. today i went to my dad's, as always. we barbequed for lunch, then hooked up the game cube to the 500inch projector screen and the 7.1 stereo surround system. naruto is beautiful upsized. and there you have it. i spent most of tonight doing math homework, and her i am. not so productive weekend. but fun! woohu!

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moana

:: 2004 21 April :: 10.57am
:: Mood: awe
:: Music: akeboshi - wind

unreal
this is a post inspired by cowboy67 (that's you!) but think about it. every person you know via woohu or LJ or whatever else you blog on, every person you meet on dance.net or deftonesworld.com or wherever else you live (both me, yes) who happens to live far off on another continent on the other side of the world, they KNOW you. like they KNOW YOU know you. these are people that get glimpese of deep personal moments in your life and majorly private insights on what you think is best for the world. they know your likes, your dislikes, your political views, your favorite songs, your religious values. and yet, if you ever bumped into them on the street, you wouldn't know them. you probably will never meet, yet these are people that you either talk about with your fellow bloggers (andy that's you) or that talk about YOU. and you've never met and you'll never meet, it's just like, people in a faraway land are thinking of you. it's so unreal. *ponders this for a while* yeah so that's the end. just think about it, it's so trippy. but don't think for too long cuz then you'll get wierded out or something.

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nerdalert

:: 2004 19 April :: 11.27pm

my horse needs carrots

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moana

:: 2004 19 April :: 12.42pm

Lisping angels are cast out quickly and that's why I'm so quiet all of the time.

There's something wrong with the world when everyone drowns in mindless sanity.

Violence does not happen outside of my control. The only violence that occurs without my control is inside, inside my skin. In my head, there are violent words crawling.

It's dark where I go in my head, and there's nothing but a cold marble floor and people having sex on it. And all I can think about, walking strip naked among them, is "Aren't they cold?"



Madison Garths-

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moana

:: 2004 19 April :: 12.13pm
:: Music: a perfect circle - judith

mutually exclusive
do you believe infinity and God are mutually exclusive? to believe in infinity is to believe that there is no absolute, no beginning and no end, no worse and no best, but to believe in God is to believe that God is the absolute, that He created the world in a Beginning and that He will destroy it in an End, that He is the Best. it's a contradiction (as most things about me are). i wonder, because i truly do believe in God and truly do believe that God is All Powerful (capital A capital P), but i also believe in infinity HERE. i mean on earth, here and now, i believe that there is no best, on earth i believe there is no worst. in this time i believe there is no start and no end, and i believe that there is nothing most or least about our world. perchance in an after life, there are all these ends and beginnings, all these extremes, but it's either that science hasn't found the extremes yet, or they simply do not exist in this life. it's hard to swallow, this is too deep for me. "i'm going to get my tyres rotated."

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moana

:: 2004 19 April :: 2.17am
:: Music: a perfect circle - magdalena

prom dress!
oh i forgot to say yesterday! in celebratiobn of my credit card's return, i went out a bit with sarah, and she took me to this tiny little store in the middle of nowhere (actually it's in the middle of salmiya) that's just FULL of small sized (my sized) evening dresses. i found my prom dress, for 4.750 KD! (that's about 15$) and it's just the right fit. i love it, i (heart) it, and i feel so.... senior-y right now. i can't believe we're graduating a year from now, people. think about it. this time next year we'll be taking IB mock exams, worrying about graduation, prom, senior tea. it's unreal. whoa, i foresee freaking out so i'm gonna stop now.

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moana

:: 2004 18 April :: 2.23pm
:: Music: something arabian my mom is playing

joy!
ok so im getting into the car afterschool and my mom goes "i have to talk to you when we get home." we drive home in silence and i'm thinking "oh fuck something horrible happened." well as soon as i get home she's telling me to change, we're going somewhere, and i'm thinking by now "dude, it's something went wrong during surgery" but we drive and stop at the bank. by now i'm confused, and the next thing i know, i have a credit card! she renewed my credit card, she said i was growing up, and that she travels a lot and needs to make sure i have a way of getting money if she needed to send it to me. she said she trusted me to budget my life, and i couldn't believe it. i haven't had a credit card since i was twelve when i maxed out all my credit cards, it feels nice to have this trust again. *waves card around* so andy, what'd you want for your birthday?

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nerdalert

:: 2004 18 April :: 12.10pm

i need aloe

my arms are on fire

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nerdalert

:: 2004 17 April :: 10.07pm

today was fun.

we lost both games, i played like 20 minutes out of 80...which im pissed about. i usually play 30/40 minutes per game. but anyway (mel if you leave a comment about that im kicking your ass)

then we (me mel and janet) went to craigs and played euchre (which me and craig kicked ass at of course and we didnt cheat) and then we went to guitar center, went to the chineese place in the mall and went bowling, i won with a 144, how sad is that.

sorry if i was an ass today, im not really in a good mood.

i have a feeling that the only good thing thats going to happen this week is that i'll get to see my dad.....for like one day.

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moana

:: 2004 17 April :: 7.11am
:: Music: computer class clickity-clicks

*sniffs* *spits*
ummm. yeah. last night! ok so i went to my dad's house, and i get there and he instantly goes "i'm working on the swimming pool." so i go out with him to the backyard and the pool's almost finished, we just needed to hammer down some tiles, which was really fun cuz no matter how hard you hit em, they did NOT break! it was hilarious, we were joking about dirty clothes and how it was such a BIG DEAL if your clothes got dirty, and he goes, "i have a maid, so its ok if my clothes get dirty." and i pick up a handful of dirt and throw it at him. so he throws some dirt back and we're having a dirt fight! woohu! fun! we stumble back into the house, laughing insanely, then scrub ourselves off at the sinks (somewhat). we have lunch (which tasted like shyt) then go down to the garage. well my dad bought this beautiful aluminum plated black and decker drill made in honour of Black and Decker's 85th anniversary. it had two directional torque, two options, rubber grip, lock, vertical AND horizontal laser beams to tell you weather or not your hands are straight and a detachable screw driver! it was sooooo funky. we spent hours talking about it, then scrubbed the new skeleton for his GMC together. i was looking at his bike and i went, thoughtfully, in those moods where you don't even realize you're talking outloud, "i wanna go for a ride." so my dad goes "ok" and we go for a ride. it was incredible. we went all the way to 7awali, then he let ME drive the whole way back. he said i was a good driver. i said thank you. it was fun. what i wanna say is really, that this entire day all i could think about was... thank God i wore overalls.

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nerdalert

:: 2004 16 April :: 10.39pm

FUCK

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nerdalert

:: 2004 16 April :: 2.27pm

yay
its 74 outside!!!

that rules.

i have a lacrosse game today at 530 vs western. im going to look like a lobster by the end of the weekend, i have no sun screen and i have a game today and 2 tomorrow. oh well. im used to it anyway.

tomorrow should be fun, if we ever figure out what the hell is happening. this is what might happen....

i have games at calvin, mel and janet will pick me up there, and we will go and hang out with craig for the day. then come back at night.

but right now i have to go take an anatomy exam :'(

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