dmlxoxo
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2004 2 September :: 11.54pm
:: Mood: tired
a breif account of the past few days....
finally, having a guilty conscience won me over- i needed to do the right thing and come clean with morgan, risking our relationship and his friendship with aaron. all that night my stomach was churning just thinking of what i was going to do, but just to make it worse, since rarely does morgan show emotion, i had no idea how he was going to react. the time had finally come when i decided to take him aside. he didnt have the slightest clue what i was talking about, i would hint and hint and hint, but because it was me, and since it was something that i would NEVER do, but did anyway, he had no idea what was coming. he was thoroughly and completely shocked, but since we had never determined our status he didnt know what to think. he didnt say much, but i could see it in his expression. he couldnt look me in the face....he couldnt even look me in the goddamn face, and that killed more than anything else. "i just really want to be ur friend" he told me- he lied. today i find out that he told everyone that he hated me. i can deal with not being liked by people i dont care about and even those who i do care about, but i cant stand to be hated by anyone---especially when im so far from hating them.
im talking to him right now about it and so far it not going anywhere, he cursed me off at the beginning and now towards the end i think he may be coming around a little. its gunna take some time.
the end of the rainbow
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dmlxoxo
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2004 30 August :: 12.04am
:: Mood: depressed
no regrets huh? yeah right, i could never live like that.
i told 2 people, people i thought i could trust, all my friends found out.
i fucked up.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
im sorry.
all my friends have lost all respect for me. EVERYONE fucks up. and when someone fucks up and they need help, their friends should be by their side helping them with whatever they can. but ive learned that i only have one true friend out here- jordana. everyone else that found out, and even nick who i told counting on him to help me, have been total jerks. theyre not true friends. all ive heard from them is "ive lost all respect for u" and "how could u stoop so low" and "im so disappointed in u". tonight at the vma party they were acting like total asses, subtly hinting at the subject while morgan and aaron were there. i hate them all right now. i need them, and all along i thought they needed me too, but if they really loved me like they said they did they would help me out now.
"uve changed so much danielle, and its not for the better"
i cant stand to hear that. when someone has me questioning my own identity and my morals and what i thought i stood for, then i know im in trouble.
everyone fucks up. this was one of the few times i have and i think i deserve some slack. i cant deal with them all coming down on me so hard for something like this. do i tell him, or do i not tell him?
why the hell did i do something so stupid? i hurt morgan and in the process, i hurt myself. he didnt deserve any of this, even if he wasnt being right to me all the time. i hate everything right now.
im sorry and i mean that with all my heart. i would never hurt u and i didnt keep my promise. i took ur heart with the promise not to break it and now, i fear that i may have done damage. with all sincerity, im sorry.
4 bought a ticket to |
the end of the rainbow
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dmlxoxo
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2004 29 August :: 12.23am
:: Mood: devious
living life with no regrets...thats quite a concept, one that i thought i could never grasp. but tonight someone made me see what that actually means, living with no regrets.
morgan starts acting weird when his family friends come out, a 16 year old guy named aaron and a 14 year old girl named tori. a funny thing, you know, just out of no where, he doesnt act normal when aarons here. today at the beach i was complaining to my friends about how i had to babysit tonight and jokingly was like "if u guys get bored in town, come and visit me". i was sitting inside watching barney with elena (the little girl i was babysitting for) when i hear someone scream my name outside. aaron had actually come to see me---i was totally shocked. elena had fallen asleep on the couch at that point so i was sitting outside on the porch with aaron. we talked for 2 and a half hours and the conversation was just flowing. somewhere in between, i get a fone call from my friend nick who tells me the following: victoria was sitting on morgans lap and he was giving her a massage, and in a previous conversation of the night between morgan and shane, when asked if we were still together morgan said i guess so, and when asked if he would care if i hooked up with somone he said no and if there was a hott willing girl he would hu with her. this obviously wasnt a shock to me, i just wish he wouldve told me when i talked to him the night before and he had denied having anything wrong. so we talked about everything, friends, relationships, school, problems...everything, but most importantly our "policies on life". he told me about no regrets and it almost made sense to me. we talked for 2 hours and he was just like wow we have so much in common and we have a connection which was all so true and he was like i was telling morgan that he really shouldnt be acting like this, especially since ur such an awesome girl. so finally we're walking home and we get to the front of my house and he hugged me and we just started hooking up and he goes to me: remember that thing about no regrets? and then we hooked up again and he said: thats one of them, ill see u tomorrow and then he kissed me
i feel so bad, like such a sleeze. what the hell did i do?
the end of the rainbow
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goobs827
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2004 27 August :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: excited
Whole Cow! Anotherrrrrrrrr year
So itzzzz my quinceeee....yay!
Having the family here has been awesome. And my dad's horse won yesterday! And he had another one that came in second.....I just love the game, I can't wait to buy my own horse. Those 10 seconds of them coming down the stretch are one of the most exhilerating 10 seconds I've ever experienced.
And I met Don Zimmer lol!
....And today was great; presents, tubing, jetskiing, massage and now the big partay! And I have to work like 26 hours tomorrow so I'm enjoying the day off.
I don't want this summer to be over.. :(
It's been the best of my life.
Ugh.
Well...much love to everyone...thanks to all the well-wishers!
Btw-my house was burgled and my schedule was found! I have 4th period lunch, 1st per chem 5th global and last spanish--thats all I remember. Comment if u have anything.
Oh, and how could I forget? We got a lawn jockey lol its awesome!
4 bought a ticket to |
the end of the rainbow
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dmlxoxo
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2004 27 August :: 1.47pm
:: Mood: crushed
jordana: i hate stomachs......................me: i hate boys.
that last entry, as much as i hate to admit it, was entirely denial. things with morgan and i were at an absolute high a few days ago, but recently there has been a definite change. over the past 2 nights, ive noticed a difference in his actions and body language that has been scaring me. i walk over to him, he pretends not to see me and sort of walks the other way. hello kisses are running lower than usual, and he fucking picked nick over me. its funny, you know, the other night was a special one at the beach, but after that its been down hill. i cant help but think that thats all he wanted from me, since im reminded every dday to "get inside a guys head danielle, hes being nice because ur hooking up, and thats all he wants". and then i think, "dont break my heart" and it sort of gives me some hope...though not enough to make me believe that we may actually still have a chance. he didnt say goodbye to me last night, nor did he talk to me...at all. its things like that, things that make me think: what the hell could i have done? im not suffocating him, im not making him uncomfortable or being unreasonable by any means....what could it possibly be? i miss the kisses, and the tickle fests, and our frequent night-time beach escapades, and im not sure that im ready for it to be over. although according to a lot of people who talk to me about it, hooking up is all we have, im happy, and im not ready to give up this happiness just yet.
please, if you're reading this, "dont break my heart".
the end of the rainbow
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dmlxoxo
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2004 26 August :: 5.32pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: dare you to move- switchfoot
alotta stuff
my schedule, that was badly fucked up by the edgemont high school guidance department and will remain so for the school year of 04-05, for those that care to inform me, leave me a comment telling me what we have together:
1- chemistry
2- chemistry lab/gym on evens
3- italian
4- lunch ({[please if u have 4th lemme know, i refuse to be alone but i really have no choice :(]})
5- english
6- math
7- ap euro
8- spanish
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as for the end of the summer in fire island, a lot of drama just about concludes it all. nick and victoria broke up...but it was more like an emotional break DOWN than just a plain break up. victoria was absolutely devistated, and hysterically crying, she could barely get a word in. although she knew it was coming, it hadnt really set in yet. we walked to town after nick had left his heartbroken lover for jordana and i to handle to get her a big fat thing of ice cream, i wasnt wearing shoes and i was carrying a tissue box....quite the sight. when we were walking down the street to go to town, morgan caught up with us, he had missed the whole thing so i explained it to him. "dont break my heart". things have been getting better and better between us, im so lucky to have had someone like him here this summer, i had waited too long for someone like him and finally, here he was. he made my summer complete, and helped to complete that gap i had in my heart. ah i wont get into this reflection on summer crap til i get home, summer is coming to its close too soon as far as im concerned.
xoxo-danielle
2 bought a ticket to |
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goobs827
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2004 21 August :: 9.42pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: aerosmith-sweet emotion
Just a briefer...
Going home sucked for the most part.
I've been able to do some really cool things at work...I got to sort of take a picture of the horses coming down the stretch so I was right next to them with mud flying everywhere and stuff...it was so cool, and then I was in the winners circle witnessing all the actionnn...It was so amazingly fun...I felt so important lol...and I was on espn and abc too...um, awesome!
hsb is good...very good.
Family is coming Tuesday--can't freakin' wait. And hopefully gals next week?
And I'm just having lotsa fun...It's just awesome. This place is the shit.
Funny Cide is racing tomorrow!!!
And my (and justine's) horse Just Gabi on Monday!!!
My best to everyone for the end of the summer...
xox
btw--did schedules come yet?
1 bought a ticket to |
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dmlxoxo
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2004 17 August :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: shocked
:: Music: bob marley
OH MY GOD.
SCENARIO:
im working in the flair house and im writing someone up, minding my own business when someone calls my name. i turn around to see the chest of someone really tall wearing a white sweatshirt. i look up to find myself looking at who's head?
1 GUESS:
taylor.
i was so fucking shocked i cant even tell u. gorgeous and sweet as ever. wow. ugh interesting night, eh?
things are going well between morgan and i, and ive finally accomplished my number one goal: hooking up on the beach at night...4 times. NICE :)
stephs home, so excited....shes coming out on friday, even more excited.
thats all for now xoxo- dml
1 bought a ticket to |
the end of the rainbow
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goobs827
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2004 16 August :: 11.38pm
:: Mood: anxious
I like being home a lot less than I thought I would.
..but then again I'm back upstate in 3 days for another 2-3 weeks.
It's great seeing the stellars, really great, but I've really grown close to the people up there in saratoga. They're like family.
It's like I'm in some sort of a fantasy land up there and when I come back down here I'm reminded of all the things that make my life so hard sometimes...but I'm also reminded of a lot of good things.
But I guess I'm glad I'm back for now cos it's showing me how much fun I'm having and how awesome it is in saratoga.
So thank God it isn't over yet--and the best is yet to come.
Here's to summer, it's still very much happening...soon I'm back to the races.
But for the next 3 days...welcome back Edgemont. Hasn't changed a bit.
the end of the rainbow
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dmlxoxo
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2004 11 August :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: aggravated
boys can be so silly sometimes....
interesting night the other night (8/9/04)::::
i was working in the flair house and this lady and her son come inside. lindsey keeps looking at her and looking at her and she says to me: that lady looks really familiar. i didnt see it at first but then as i continued to study her, i realized that she was familiar to me too. "shes from tv i think" i kept on thinking that, so lindsey goes up to her and says "i know this is gunna be a really weird question, but how do we know you?" it was meredith vierra from the view (the same lady who does who wants to be a millionare) it was so cool! she looks really old in person. its a wonder what those makeup people can do for you. that same night, it finally happened. morgan and i hooked up. we were in the street and it was literally for like a second, but it was good to have that feeling again. last night was movie night at adams house and of course it happened again, this time for around a minute, i personally enjoyed it. today however, i came to find out that morgan was telling people about our kisses. one of my friends (name not being stated for the privacy of them and those others who were involved) told me that morgan told them that i was too agressive with my kiss the first time. i was really upset to hear this news. not because of any stupid reason, but because of how utterly embarassed it made me feel. "dont choke him with your tongue danielle". ugh wtf. jesus, realize that im new at this and respect my fucking privacy. i dont need everyone knowing how i kiss, especially if its not good. maybe it was just the first time though, because that first time that he said i was bad it was really short, but last night when we did it it was longer and he did it with me. idk what that says, but maybe it was better. boys can be so stupid sometimes. stupid morgan, think before you open your mouth....or maybe i should before i open mine?? whatever, ill fix it.
as for everything else, its going well. camp is over in about a week, scary as that may be. stephs coming home in less than a week, i cant fucking wait. ah i miss everyone so much. thats it for now, another movie night tonight, my kiss'll be good goddammit, its gunna be really good.
xo-danielle
the end of the rainbow
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