--*Being Alone*--

--*Being Alone*--

:: 2012 7 April :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: melancholy

I hold a cup of green tea in my hands. The warmth stimulates my palms, sends goosebumps up and down my arms. I hover into the warmth, over this little soure of heat. It makes me feel. Lets me know im still here. It creates a moment of silence in my life. In the shower, I scratch my skin and let the scalding water burn across the pink lines. That same tingling sensation. I like it. It comforts me and leaves no questioning marks. It is pain and I delve in every second of it.

I know everyone wants me to give up. I know everyone says Ill be better soon. I know everyone thinks that I will reflect upon this time and be like, what was I thinking. But I have my doubts. I dont give up. I dont abandon my dreams. I dont allow let people tell me I cant do something. Thats what drives me. Thats what forces me to reach beyond what others do. I cant be stopped. I cant be told no. I wont accept it. Thats why this is soooo hard. So hard to let go of something I fought so hard for. So hard to give up on something that made happy. So hard. So hard. And Im sorry. Not only am I letting you all down, I am letting myself down.

I feel so foolish. Foolish to waste my time with something. Foolish to still be hung up on this. Foolish to believe that what was felt was real. That someone would actually have me in their thoughts from the moment they woke up until they fell asleep. Someone would make me feel the way I did. That I could connect so strongly and quickly to another. I refuse to believe its done. I refuse to believe he has nothing left. I refuse to believe it was all for naught. Thats where the foolish part comes in. This is where I am dumb beyond reason. I think its because he has parts of me that I never really gave to another. He has pieces of me and now they are left in unstable hands.

Cant break me down | bury me bury me | I am finished with you you you you | Look in my eyes | youre killing me killing me | all I wanted was you | Cant break me down break me down

I keep thinking about how I messed it all up. I fucked everything up beyond fixable. It is all my fault. I destroyed my own happiness. And I am only making it worse when I try to make it better. I have no one to blame but myself. I allowed someone to see how emotionally unstable I am. I allowed someone to see the worst side of me. I allowed him to see my scars and my stress that I never share with anyone. There would be nights when I would go to parties with him. He would make me so nervous so I would drink more than I normally do to deal with it. Then A started insisting he take her to the parties. So he would bring her. I would watch the two together. Watch as she would cuddle close to him. Watch as she hugged him or ran her fingers through his hair. Then I would get jealous. I would get frustrated. I would get angry. Angry at him. At her. At myself for believing him. I would hate the situation I put myself in. I would text him.

This was the time when my life was falling apart. My fiance and I were done. I had to move out of my apartment and back with my rents. I had quit my job to move to MD and I was no longer moving to MD but staying in PA. I had no money. My car died. I had stress from my parents, my ex, the loan company... I felt hopeless, alone, angry that my life was unraveling before my very eyes. Now, I had debated my relationship with my ex before I met R, but R helped me affirm what I knew inside. He brought it to the surface, it was always inside me. However, he is still part responsible for my relationship ending. And for him to keep me a secret, not leave A and to have to ignore him in public was just too much stress. I took it out on him. I did. I admit it. And I know that is not the way you treat someone you care about. And for that I am beyond wrong.

I would say things like I was better than her. I could do X, Y, & Z better than she and he knew it. I would tell him how frustrated I was to like someone who didnt like me [even though he did, I wouldnt believe it] I would be torn since I knew what we were doing was wrong; he had his girlfriend therefore he shouldnt have me as well. Society told me to cut it off then and there, in the heat of everything and I couldnt. That was the the right move. It was. I was torn because people were telling me to tell A and I wasnt sure if I could.It was a lot of pressure and I broke under it. I completely fell apart, I am still picking up pieces. I did stupid things. I am still doing stupid things. And I am mad at myself for doing this.

I think what most people dont understand is that he was the first thing I did for me. I spent my entire life giving myself to others. I spent my entire college career being involved and helping others and giving myself to everyone. I stretched myself thin on many occasions, but I was addicted to the rush of being busy and ignoring myself. I wanted to forget myself, so I threw myself into everything and anything... leaving every minute of the day planned. I didnt sleep much and I was fine with that.

After college, I spent the year and a half maintaining a house, raising a puppy and a kitty, trying to mold myself into the perfect wife. The wife that would sit at home all day, cleaning, cooking, and entertaining her husband. I kept giving myself to my ex, hoping he would keep me happy and I would be content. But I wasnt. I was just putting a circle through the square hole. Yes it fits, and yes it goes through, but it doesnt fit perfectly. Then when I met R. I was selfish. The one time in my life, I was selfish. I did something for me. I did something that made me fully happy. A simple text, made my face light up. I guess thats what I did wrong. I did something for me. What did I learn? I cannot have something for me. I cannot be selfish. I cannot have him. He is the one person that made me feel safe. When he hugs me, I feel so safe in his arms. It seriously is the best feeling. Truly, I have never felt the way I did before as I did with him. And I am told that I will feel that way with someone else, but I dont want to. I want him.

I am too stubborn for my own good. Too ignorant to see the truth. I am foolish. But I think I want to be foolish. I dont want to give up. I will not text him. I will not contact him. I will not like his statuses. I will not go north to his college. I will not see him privately. I am ok with that. But I will not give him up. Maybe we just met at the wrong time. Maybe we are meant for another time in our lives. Maybe we just arent ready for each other. Maybe space and time is the only thing to heal us. I just want to fix everything. Im a fixer. But I am going to do the hardest thing I have ever done.

L e t g o. But I wont give up

Crush ME

kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 21 December :: 6.25am
:: Mood: delirious
:: Music: MP3 Player

Good lord
So here I am at 6:30 in the morning. Why the hell am I up now? Because sleep hasn't happened yet, I'm having too much fun! I don't know if my dad cares that I stay up all night or not, but it's my ritual to make it seem like I'm sleeping when I hear him get up at four in the morning, then I get up again for the hour or so he's out on his walk. Usually after that he takes a shower so I can stay up as long as I'm quiet. Today was not a shower day, it was a shaving day. So I'm lying in bed with all the lights off, listening to music, and all of a sudden I start laughing my ass off because I remembered the other day my cat meowed and I told him, " Jackson, I demand that you shut up. " Which my mom and I thought was hilarious. So I'm trying to laugh quietly and then I start laughing harder because I thought of this time I told my mom I was going to going to strap her to a spinning board and throw knives at her and if that didn't kill her I was going to lock her in a barn and gas her and that when she went down I was going to hack off her limbs and sell them. But I'm going to keep her head in a jar of formaldahyde but maybe something else so I don't get cancer and I'm going to strangle my father with her intestines but before i do that i'm going to rip out her stomach, make my dad wear it as a hat and march him around the town. Then I told her I was going to keep her soul so she couldn't go to heaven,that I was going to catch it in a net and put it in a jar and whenever I thought of her I was going to shake the fuck out of it. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but it's awesome! And through all this I'm also laughing because I kept wanting to start singing at the top of my lungs, which probably would have ended badly, but would have been really funny. In other news, I had this dream yesterday morning that this man I've wanted for nine years -and believe me, I had NO idea it had been that long till right now; it almost makes me feel sick, old and sick. Anyway, I dreamed that he and I were just talking on my bed and hanging out and he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek but I kissed him full on the mouth. He said, " I guess the cheek wasn't friendly enough! " I told him, " Well, I thought to myself, You're only going to have this one chance, might as well take it. " So anyway, I've been thinking a lot about him now. I'd really like to share things with him, and I don't mean venereal diseases HAHAHA!!! I don't have any of those, anyway. I really might be losing it right now, but it's funny. Much better than a DXM psychosis at any rate. And boy am I lucky I wasn't in high school when that happened. I probably wouldn't have gone to school those days, but you never know, and we can all only imagine how THAT would have turned out. Not that the reality was much better, but whatever. We'll never know. As it was, when I was in my first psychosis, I think fucked my friend so I could use her car, then had my unlicensed friend drive me to Worcester and tried to convince one of my best friends to marry me. I'll never do THAT again.....maybe. It occurs to me that I have a LOT of people convinced that I'm insane...and a good portion of that was before the drugs. Jesus. Anyway, too late to prove my sanity now, because it's always been compromised, I'm not sure why. I really don't know where the obsessions came from, why they were there, what in God's name I was thinking, or why the fuck I " targeted " the people I did. But tough shit for those guys! At least one of them deserved it and brought it on himself, the stupid bastard. But later for him, he's too good for someone like me, at least, he probably thinks so. I think he's kind of fucked in the head, but look who's talking. Although, they say it takes one to know one. I was going to try and explain what my point was, but I really don't have one. Anyway, today I'm supposed to be hanging out with Jamie (funny how that name comes up!) and we're going to Corey's grave because today is the three year anniversary of his death. I don't really know what going there accomplishes, because he's dead whether I'm there or not, and I can't really say it makes me feel better to go there. It used to, but then again, I was usually a LONG way from sober. Of course, if I don't sleep today and find a way to keep up this stream of delirious energy, I might just have a good time! Maybe I'm not supposed to, this being a sad day and all, but you know what? I've had a lot of sad days, so too bad if my happiness/ridiculousness falls on an inconvenient time. There's so much more I want to say, but I don't know what or why. Here are some other funny stories:
Once, a teacher was talking about seeing random articles of clothing in the street and described it as, " It's like, Who's been stripping in the middle of the street? " For some reason I piped up, " I do that! " And it got me a strange look, naturally. Later as I was discussing it with my friend I was like, " I should have followed that up with, ' I have no idea what the FUCK I just said! ' "

I was reading this old journal the other day and I read a conversation I had with my best friend. I said, " At least I don't scream whenever I see The Teacher I Love. " She told me, " Well, maybe you should. Maybe everyone should. See what THAT does to his self-esteem; find him crying and cutting in a corner somewhere. " And one time this same friend and I were walking down the hall to visit someone and The Teacher I Love came out of his room my friend said loudly and somewhat disgustedly, " Oh, JESUS! " EPIC fun! I swear, if I could do high school all over again, I'd have SO much more fun!

A story about Corey: One night, Corey was wicked fucked up, tripping on DXM I think, but it could have been mushrooms. He, Steve, and I were driving back from Price Chopper and Corey was in the backseat. Out of no where he says something like, " Danny, I told you not to touch the gold that's hidden under the carpet. " I was like, " What the fuck are you talking about? " And he said, " Why? What'd I say? " And another about Corey: We were at my house and he was fucked up again, I probably was, too. But he comes up to me and says, " Laura, I peed on your floor. " " How the hell did you do that? " I asked. He told me, " I tried to pee in a can. " I asked him, " Was it the can we made a bong out of (which, of course, had holes in it)? " And he said, " Yeah. " Ridiculous!

Well, regretfully for me and luckily for anyone reading this, that's all I have for now. There may be more to come later, but don't count on it. I might pass out, although I have to get up in three hours anyway so there's hardly any point. Ah well. Good morning!

Crush ME

kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 20 June :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: Just me
:: Music: None

People
It has come to my attention that some people can't handle what I wrote in my last journal entry. To those people, I implore them; MAN UP. There are far worse things in life than what can be read about in that one entry. At least I have the courage to put it out there. That takes a lot of bravery and I naturally anticipated receiving some hate mail from it, but really people, move on with your lives. There surely must be better ways to deal with your time than giving me shit for being truthful and than reading my journal altogether! So if you hate me and want me dead, so be it. You can even kill me if you want to, BRING IT ON. Because I really don't care anymore. I love almost everyone I've ever met but if they can't handle me because they're pussies, they can go fuck themselves!

Crush ME

kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 20 June :: 1.06pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: Steve's library of songs

My Life
In December of 2008, the love of my life and my constant companion, Corey Hafford, decided that taking 80 milligrams of methadone would be fun. At first, things were fine; he was just rubbing and scratching his face a lot. I asked how he was and he said, " I feel great. " The last words he ever spoke were " you can " when I asked if I could hold his hand. He was sweating through his clothes, so me and one of the other kids at that house got him to drink some water. Then he passed out. All of a sudden, he got extremely pale in the face and his lips turned blue and purple. I told a couple of the kids to help me lay him down so he could breathe better. After that, I vowed to myself that I would not leave his side until this was over. I kept seeking reassurance from the other kids that Corey was going to be okay. They told me that they had all tried methadone and passed out, so he would surely be fine. Only one of the kids was real enough to say, " We're just kids; we don't know what we're talking about. " Corey had tried a LOT of drugs, including heroine, and he could always handle himself, so the idea of him dying seemed unreal. At one point, one of the kids tied his hands together as a joke, someone started shaving his leg and using it as an ashtray, and on little shit named Nick kept slapping him in the face, which I told him to stop doing, although I deeply understood the desire to slap Corey in the face. At one point, all the stupid, little boys left the room to go smoke a bong, so I lifted Corey's tied hands over my head and held him and kissed him. I told him I loved him. After nine hours of waiting for him to wake up, I finally rested my head on his leg and went to sleep, but before I did, I whispered in his ear, " Good bye, Corey, I love you. " I woke up to Raphael Torres knocking on the window asking me is I wanted to smoke pot. I checked on Corey and I thought I could hear him breathing a little bit, but I wasn't sure. I told Raph that I didn't think he was okay. " He'll wake up. " Raph said. I asked him to check on him with me before he left. We pulled back his eyelids and there were brown lines under his irises. Raph told me to get Bobby, the boy whose house we were at. He woke his mother and when they turned on some lights in the room I could see that the underside of Corey's body was turning blue and purple from all the blood coagulating and his was white in the face. I told the mother to call 911 twice before she actually did it. As wrong as this may seem, I couldn't help thinking to myself, " So he's stiff, huh? Maybe I could have one more good time with him. " I would have checked out his cock had I been alone with him in the room. The cops showed up and said, " He's dead; there's nothing we can do. " That's when I started crying hysterically. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor bawling my eyes out, almost hyperventilating. The cops told me to calm down two or three times or they would have to bring me to the hospital. I should have gone. My dad came to get me because Raph had run off and started spreading the word before the cops arrived and my father had received an inquiry about whether or not Corey was dead. The next day, Raph asked me if I had told the cops what Corey was on because Bobby had lied and said he didn't know. When I told Raph that I had, he said, " Why!? Now Bobby's gonna get in trouble! " " I don't give a shit! " I told him. " Corey is dead! " I had to talk to a detective the next week and guess what? The pathetic shitheads at the party told the cops that I said not to call 911! I will always be PISSED about that.

Crush ME

kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 19 June :: 3.14pm
:: Mood: Getting there
:: Music: Awesome remixes

My Life
On Wednesday June 8th, 2001, I nearly killed myself by taking eight bottle of Robitussin liqui-gels. One hundred and sixty pills, 2400 miligrams of dextromethorphan. I drove all the way from Marlboro to Watertown where my boyfriend Steven and our neighbor Katie called 911. The ambulance came and the workers asked me some questions. They hooked me up to an IV and brought me to the Mt. Auburn hospital ER. I was examined and they made me drink liquid charcoal. I had been sweating so much that my close smelled like sweet chemicals. I will never be able to forget that smell. I spent the night in the ER and I was given my own hospital room the next morning where I recuperated and talked to the people they assigned to help me out. Steve came and got me at the end of the day and they gave us cab voucher so we wouldn't have to walk home in the humidity. On Thursday I smoked some weed which made me crazy enough that Steve wanted me to go to the ER again. I cried and cried and cried while I was waiting and then I took some good medication that helped stabilize my brain. On Friday, I was feeling the need to OD again and cut my wrists, so I went back to the ER. I slept over there and around 3:30 AM I was transferred to Bay Ridge hospital in Lynn. I stayed there till Wednesday. It was kind of uneventful. They don't force you to go to groups but I did and I stayed in them as long as I could, which wasn't easy because I wanted to get back to listening to music. When you're admitted there, they give you a care package with not only the usual toiletries, but also a pair of radio capable headphones and a journal. It's the best psych ward I've been in. They don't allow smoking, but they give you patches and I had an awesome roommate who was ready and willing to share the cigarettes and lighter she snuck in and she taught me how to smoke in the bathroom. I hid the cigarette I got from her but when she left I had no access to a lighter and on Monday I took a nap and woke up and immediately vomited from lack of cigarettes. I had a panic attack on Tuesday because I wanted to leave and see Steve so bad. On Wednesday around 9:00 AM, I finally got out of there. The van driver brought me to Mt. Auburn hospital to pick up my car which the protective guards were nice enough to move for me and they gave me a parking voucher so I didn't have to pay the ridiculous cost of parking. From there I went to Steve's where he cooked breakfast for me and our friend Al. I took it easy and spent the night in Steve's bed. Thursday and Friday I chilled with Steve all day and slept in my car those two nights, which wasn't as bad as you might think. I can't imagine doing it till fall, which I might have to. On Friday, I went to the social security office and applied for SSI and disability, but it's going to take two to four months before I find out if I'm getting anything. In the meantime, I'll go to the welfare office and apply for food stamps and emergency funding. Welcome to my life!

Crush ME

kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 13 May :: 4.35pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: The Cure

Hooray!
Lots of good things have been happening lately! I took my friend's virginity last night and I'd been waiting to have sex with him for literally years. I knew he'd come around eventually! When we were done and he was leaving he kept telling me how relaxed and elated he felt and told me we definitely had to do it again some time. I only hope he doesn't get too attached because I'm currently trying to find a girlfriend. I had a job interview today at Supercuts and it went well even though it took less than ten minutes. I really hope I get this job because they give you a week of training in cutting and they color certify you. Keep your fingers crossed! Tonight, I'm off to the carnival with Brianna and maybe a couple of other friends, too. Yay!

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kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 10 May :: 2.32am
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: Keane

Internet
I've been talking to SO many interesting potential sex partners over the internet. I love it! I'm meeting a nice guy named Rob tomorrow in Foxboro. I made plans with Brett, who is SEXY, for Thursday afternoon, and I made plans with some other guy I've forgotten about on Saturday. Who could it have been!?! LOL! I got SO many responses it's so hard to keep track of everybody! I got a new tattoo today of a thorny green vine in the shape of an X across Steve's name. I like it, but I'm kind of sad because even though he's a fuck face I still miss him. He is another addiction which makes it even more important for me to stay away. The other day I made a new awesome friend named Heather. And tonight, my friend called and told me he wants me to take his virginity. YAY!!! Now, it's off to bed. Good night world that's not out there!

Crush ME

kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 7 May :: 10.49pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Grooveshark.com

Sex
So the other day, I posted an ad on Craig's List looking for friends with benefits. I, of course, got over fifty replies, which I find just great! I met one guy at Dunkin Donuts and we had a little fun in the back seat of his car. We met up again tonight and we were supposed to have sex, but wouldn't you know my luck? He couldn't even get hard, I mean, he was aroused, he just doesn't get hard for some reason so we couldn't do anything. I am disappointed because I really wanted to get laid tonight! Oh well, at least I'm off to hang out with Bri!

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kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 5 May :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: Grr
:: Music: Shpongel/Techno

I fucking hate my best friend Jamie when he's drunk. He either says a bunch of stuff he doesn't mean or yells at me like a prick. I think I'm done with talking to him too because honestly I don't need to get yelled at anymore like Steve. My lip is finally healing slowly but I'm still in pain. If anyone ever treats me like crap again I will feel free to solve everything with violence! I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep at twelve tonight like I'm " supposed " which is mad gay! Oh well, though if I want a place to stay I need to play by the rules by now. It's not that I think I couldn't still get away with doing drugs, but it's much nicer to be able to talk to and hug my father again. I wouldn't give that up for anything and I know it hurts my family when I do drugs. In other news, earlier Brianna finally started talking to me again, so we went for a ride. When we stopped at the store, we ran into John Egan. So we went and visited with Steve's sister for a bit who was crying because she had to give back her friends dog. We also so Jess, which was alright. Then we were just driving around so we decided to stop at Thiagp's. We said hello to him and Sumesh and just hung around dancing, talking and listening to music on the TV. We also made plans to go back over there tomorrow night, although I forget why. I also might be chilling with my girl Natasha tomorrow and she might sleep at my house. That will be a much needed change around here. So all in all, the week is looking up, although I still have to go to that stupid day program tomorrow. But it's the only things I have to do and if I really don't like it that much I think my dad would let me drop out because he asked me if I wanted to stay earlier. I'm glad he is at least giving me some choice and freedom in matters concerning me. Dinner with my uncle went exceptionally well.

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kinkyrose1212

:: 2011 5 May :: 4.44pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: CC ft. Robert Smith

Well, the day program went considerably better today than it did yesterday and I got prescribed some meds for my restlessness so maybe i can sleep a bit easier now and i'll be able to pay better attention in my groups. I'm slowly getting sick of going however but at least i'm doing something productive with my time. I haven't talked to Steve since Sunday because I finally told him he was ugly. He got REALLY pissed and punched me in the face for it. It split my lip and I was spitting blood. I got a temporary restraining order on him but he hasn't contacted me anyway. It's really hard for me because I do miss him and I get lonely without him, but I don't need that aggravation. I made a new cool friend today named Jenna and she panhandles to get food. I really like her and she's very spunky. We smoked cigarettes together all day and even escaped the program for a little while together. I let her drive my car around the block for a while. I also participated a lot in groups and gave my advice to two other people who told me that they understood a little better now. I've also been working on enlarging my group of friends on Facebook and I'm up to about five hundred. In other news, I'm going to be bored even worse pretty soon because do to my expenses I won't be able to pay my car insurance this year which fucking BLOWS!! But this weekend I am having dinner with my aunt Jill and uncle Michael. She's making steak and salad, which will be nice for me. Tonight I am going to Papa Gino's with my uncle.

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