kinkyrose1212
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2010 23 January :: 7.03pm
:: Mood: drunk
:: Music: The Cure
Drugs
I didn't have a problem with drugs for a while. When I was 18, I started going out with my boyfriend Smokey. I had known him when I was in tenth grade. He was in eighth grade then and followed me around like a lost puppy. He used to walk me to class and once he cut his thumb open making a ring for me. He had to get stitches. I saw him at a Burger King after a day of shopping with Dawn, but I didn't recognize him at first. After he left, Dawn turned to me and said, " You know who that was, don't you? " " No, " I said. " Who? " " That was Smokey! " She said. I wrote him a letter and we met at a donought shop a little while later. That night, I invited him to my New Year's Eve party. He came over, along with Andie and Tiffany and we all got drunk. We snuggled a lot, and at one point Tiffany started flirting with him, but I grabbed him and said, " No! This is MY Smokey! " He was still a virgin, so he didn't want to have sex, but we made out and dry-fucked something fierce in my bed. We decided to date, once we were both sober enough to make the decision. More on this later...
Crush ME
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kinkyrose1212
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2010 23 January :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: motivated
:: Music: The Cure
Drugs
I first got into drugs when I was 17. When I was 13, my friend Marilyn smoked weed and cigarettes, and I wanted to try it. I didn't get to smoke weed, but she gave me my first cigarette and the first time I tried hard liquor (vodka) was at her house. When I took the first sip, something came over me. I didn't know where I was and I felt like I was going to throw up. She gave me some milk, telling me that milk got rid of the taste of almost anything. In my thirteen year old journal entries, I knew where drugs would take me. " If I start doing drugs, " I wrote. " I'll probably just end up getting into a really dark place that I can't get out of. " I don't know why I couldn't keep that knowledge as I grew older. When I was 17, I was at the mall with my friend Jeremy and we met up with a couple of his friends, Rusty and Cynthia. I knew both of them a little bit already through Andie. While Cynthia was buying cigarettes for me and some other kid, I sat talking with Rusty. I mentioned that I had never smoked weed before. " We have some in the car, " Rusty said. So the four of us all smoked a joint. I felt really nice and relaxed. Shortly thereafter, Andie told me that you could get high off of cough medicine. She came over one night when I was hanging out with my friend Tiffany, and Tiffany and I both took 150mg of DXM. I felt really spacey. I remember talking to one of my friends on the phone while I was smoking a cigarette, and I felt amazing, like I could do anything. It made Tiffany really quiet and she sat in front of the computer making trippy pictures. A little while later, Tiffany and I were tripping together again. I took a shower while she sat on the toilet seat and talked to me. We felt like we were at the beach. I went and layed down while she took a shower. In my head, I saw a hedge maze made up of pink hedges. I was trying to find a boy in the middle of it. When I tried to set fire to a bush to make the search easier, the bush melted and I had to scoop it up with a shovel. I staggered to the bathroom and told Tiffany, " You can't burn the pink hedges; you have to melt them. " " Oh, okay, " she said, as if she understood. Andie had told me that you had to gradually move up when you wanted to take a bigger amount of miligrams. One night, I jumped from 270mg to 360mg. Andie called and invited me to the movies. " I can't drive, Andie, " I told her. " I took a bunch of Robotussin. " " That's okay, " she said. " We'll come pick you up. " We went and sat down in the theater. When the lights dimmed, I turned to Andie and said, " Did they even dim the lights on this side of the theater? " She said, " Yes, they did....sshhhh. " I told her I wasn't feeling well and she offered to call my mom for me. She called and on our way out of the theater I threw up a few times in front of the entire audience. My mom came and brought me home. She was extremely worried. " Do you need to go to the hospital? " She kept asking me. " No, Mom, " I said. " I just need to sleep. " After that, I mostly just smoked weed and drank once in a while. More on this later...
Crush ME
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kinkyrose1212
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2010 20 January :: 1.27pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Evanescence
Drugs
I was sober for about three months before I had my first relapse. I was with Andie and Jesse. Andie had been sober for almost as long as I had, but she had already relapsed a couple of weeks earlier, first by smoking weed, then by drinking, and finally by taking our drug of choice; cough medicine. I knew I shouldn't do anything and that I'd probably regret it, but it had been so long and it sounded like fun. My friends were no help. " Come on, " Jesse said. " Get me some and we'll all do it! " Searching for an excuse to submit, I said to Andie, " As long as I'm not doing it all the time, I should be fine, right? " " If that's the way you feel, " she told me. So she and I went out to Worcester and I stole two bottles of cough liqui-gels for Jesse and I. Andie already had hers. We got there and I called my boyfriend, Steven. I had talked to him while we were on the road, telling him that I was feeling tempted but that I thought everything was going to be fine. He warned me not to go, but my mind was made up. So when I called him, I told him that all his talk of how bad it would be if I relapsed had gotten through to me and that I wasn't going to do anything. When we got off the phone, I took 300mg of dextromethorphan hydrobromide (DXM) and we all smoked a bowl. I got pretty fucked up. I was scared and I just kept thinking about how pathetic the whole situation was. All of us were in our twenties and we were sitting around getting fucked up off of cough medicine. We should have been doing more constructive things with our time. I was unemployed, Jesse had a shitty job but didn't have a high school diploma, and Andie had been kicked out of college for getting really drunk and trying to kill herself. She only had to finish three more classes, but the school said she couldn't go back until a therapist gave the okay. Andie had stopped seeing her therapist. More on this later...
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babaloo181
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2009 19 December :: 3.34pm
SERIOUSLY.
"Now it's time you invest in me
Cuz if not then it's best you leave."
Crush ME
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babaloo181
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2009 18 December :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: Exasperated.
SO FUCKING DONE.
(Usher Usher Usher)
Ooh! OoOOooh! Ooh! Papers
Ooh! OoOOooh! Ooh! Papers
Vrs 1:
I can't, get to work on time, can't believe the words to her I just said
But who the hell argue n fight like dogs at 6 in the morning?(in the mornin)
I know it's gonna' be some more shit tonight mm oooh
Our pastor's callin, tellin me I done went too far in
I'm seen around town and my friends can't recognize me,
'Cuz I took a chance on love(love), it's like(like), I'm dyin(ooh dyin)
Chrs:
For you I gave my heart and turned my back against the world
'Cause you were my girl, girl, girl
I done damn near lost my mama, I done been through so much drama
I done turned into the man that I never thought I'd be.
I'm ready to sign them papers, papers, papers
I done took all I can take but u leave me no options girl
I can't deny how much I love you, I done gave up everything I had to
As hard as it is I'm affraid I gotta say
I'm ready to sign them papers, papers, papers
I done took all I can take but u leave me no options girl
Ooh! OoOOooh! Ooh! Papers
Ooh! OoOOooh! Ooh! Papers
Vrs 2:
I'm losin my mind, can't figure out who's wrong or right
I know it's you I love, but then I also know it's you I don't like
You claim you hate who I was, but that's the reason you here now
You think I don't know what's up, but sweetheart that's what ruined us
I ain't afraid to say I got needs
But the only time you here for me is when the bottles poppin' and everything is sweet
But I I'm tired of sleeping in the other room spending them long nights
Trying to figure out what in the hell in my heart I ain't do right. (Oooh for u)
For you I gave my heart and turned my back against the world(back against the world)
'Cause you were my girl, girl(girl), girl,
I done damn near lost my mama(mama), I done been through so much drama(drama)
I done turned into the man that I never thought I'd be.(never thought I would be)
I'm ready to sign them papers(papers), papers(paii), papers(paai ooh oh oh oh)
(I done took) all I can take but u leave me no options girl
I can't deny how much I love you(know that I love u), I done gave up everything I had to
(Anything I had to) as hard as it is I'm affraid I gotta say(I'm affraid I gotta say)
I'm ready to sign them papers(papers), papers(paii), papers(girl I took all I could take)
(I done took) all I can take but u leave me no options girl
Ohoh! OoOOooh! Oooooh yea! Papers
Ooh! OoOOooh! Ooh! Papers
Ready Ready Ready Ready
All my fellas up in here, if u had enough and you're ready to sign say
Ready Ready Ready Ready(I'm ready, yes I am)
All my ladies if u sick and tired, and you're, ready to sign, say
Ready Ready Ready Ready(ooh)
I can't keep livin this life, I'm gonna leave it for the last time I'm
Ready Ready Ready Ready
I done damn near lost my mama, I done been through so much drama
I done turned into the man I never thought I'd be.
I'm ready to sign them papers, papers, papers
I done took all I can take but u leave me no options girl
I can't deny how much I love you, I done gave up everything I had to
As hard as it is I'm affraid I gotta say
I'm ready to sign them papers, papers, papers
I done took all I can take but u leave me no options girl
Crush ME
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 18 December :: 6.07am
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: O.M.D.
Confusiosity
I am in a state of deep confusiosity. I realized that although I love my boyfriend to death, he is not The One. I do love him, but not in the same way that I loved Corey. My boyfriend is my best friend, and that's how I love him. I'm not The One for him, either. A few days ago he told me that if I didn't get a job, he could easily find a girlfriend that was willing to pull her own weight. While it's completely understandable that we wants me to get a job, the fact that he said that tells me that we aren't made for each other. I think one of Steve's biggest weaknesses is that he doesn't want to ever be alone. We could get married, and it would be convenient for the both of us. In theory, he would never have to be alone again and, in theory, I would have someone to take care of me. It's hard because I do love him, and we have broken up and gotten back together quite a few times. But we'll see what happens. I'm not sure how or when I'm going to tell him all this. There is another guy I know from high school that I saw in " rehab " and I'm trying to get in tough with him. Maybe he and I are meant for each other. I looked into his eyes once and I was absolutely taken aback. It was an incredible feeling. And I told him that I loved him and he told me he loved me, too. And that was with us barely having spoken to each other. I wrote him a letter which I'm mailing later today, so hopefully it reaches him and he calls me. If not, that's okay, but I hope SO much that everything works out. In other news, I have slept all night. I tried to a couple of times, but it just wasn't happening. So here I am updating my on line journal at 6:20 in the morning. I don't really have anything important to do today. My mom and I are going to Joanne's Fabrics and going out to lunch, but other than that, I have nothing to do. I really don't know what to do about this boyfriend situation. Oh well. As long as I have faith (in myself and the secret workings of fate, which does, btw, exist) it'll all work itself out.
Crush ME
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babaloo181
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2009 9 December :: 1.03pm
Pretty much exactly how i feel right now..
Ordinary People by John Legend
[Verse 1]
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
[Bridge]
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
[Verse 2]
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way
[Bridge]
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
[Verse 3]
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I
[Chorus]
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
Crush ME
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 16 November :: 12.51am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Random shit
The Sober Life
I went into substance-induced psychosis about a month ago from staying up for four-five days straight continuously tripping on Robotussin. I ended up in the mental ward of Marlborough Hospital for a week. When I got out, I went to their out-patient program for ten days. I've been sober for a little over a month now. Well, sober from cough pills and weed, which were my two biggest problems. Although I'm proud of my accomplishments as far as drugs are concerned, and although I know that life has a better quality when you're sober, I also know that THIS FUCKING SUCKS!!! When I get a job, things won't be as bad because I won't just be sitting around all the time, but GOD DAMN IT do I want to trip! Or at least smoke pot!! But the job I'm interviewing at does drugs tests, so I definitely can't smoke, even if I could come up with the money for it. If I do drugs and my parents find out, I get kicked out, so that's a little bit of motivation for me to stay sober. On the other hand, I'm positive that I could do cough medicine again and get away with it. So this really sucks. I'm making decisions for myself now, though. I want to trip SO bad, but I'm taking things one day at a time, so maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Either way, being sober is amazing, and it sucks. At least I can still drink and smoke cigarettes, but I don't have money for either one of those things right now. So, I'll just have to stick it out being sober until I get my life in order, and then I can maybe smoke weed again. I don't think I should ever do cough pills again, but that doesn't mean that I won't. It is possible for me to get a little buzz going if I take more than my recommended dosage of medication, so I'll just have to take what I can get for now.
Crush ME
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 25 October :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Random shit
Sobriety
FUCK MY LIFE!!! I WANT TO TRIP SO BAD RIGHT NOW! That's what got me into trouble in the first place, not to mention the not sleeping for four or five days in a row, but at this particular moment, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! My dad says if I fuck up he's kicking me out, so I really shouldn't, but it's such a bitch to actually have to tell myself no. Right now my motivation is that if I just keep doing things that aren't drugs, like typing up the story of my life thus far, I'll be able to sit back, relax, and take acid at some later point. But FUCK!!! Staying sober is so much harder than I thought! I always said to myself, Well, I'm not physically addicted; it's just weed and cough pills, so I can stop at any time. Well, I was right, but staying quit is the hard part. What I was going through I would definitely categorize as denial. And I miss Corey so fucking much it isn't even fathomable right now.
Crush ME
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 28 September :: 3.38am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Led Zeppelin
Oh boy...
I swear to God, if this new guy is gay, especially for the Jew, I will kill myself. Not really, but that would just be all kinds of sad and upsetfulness. He probably is gay, though, knowing my luck. Fuck.
Crush ME
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