Sweet Jesus
I was really, REALLY pissed off earlier, because guys are immensely fucking retarded, but what else is new? Why was I surprised by this? I'm not really sure. I guess I just started viewing people as people and not male or female. But I can't help but notice how much better things are when I hang out with chicks. I'd say it's a good thing that I stopped judging by gender, but I'm not sure it is. Maybe I've just been hanging out with the wrong guys. Where are all the sane, nice ones...this man of my dreams that I'm supposedly going to find some day? Or even someone remotely close!?! The last one I knew died, so that kinda sucks. Well, more than kind of, but I'm not getting into that right now. Anyhow, I started to feel better laughing at one of my old journals. Also, cheers to staying up all night drinking and then not sleeping! This is fun! It's being fucked up without drugs! So anyhow, I realized that the journal is five years old. FIVE FUCKING YEARS. I really never realized how big of a bitch I was! It's really fucking amusing! I say some horrible things, though. And you know what sucks? Well, Lisa and I were talking last night, and we're kind of still having the same problems we were then! I mean, not to the extent that we were, but still. Same old crushes, same old everything. Am I really still feeling like doing the same things I wanted to do then? Yes, and that kinda sucks. I can't help it, though. It would still be fucking amazing. Although, getting older makes you realize that what you thought were just objects of lust are actually people. Real, live people who were terrified of you because they were scared you were going to tackle them in the hallway and fuck the ever living shit out of them. Or maybe that's just how people felt about me. HAHAHAHA!!!! Believe me, nothing's changed. I still get that way, and now I take it a step further. I'm really just at the point where I don't give a fuck. I know I used to think I'd reached that point in my teenage years, but really, now I've been through so much more, what have I got to lose? Besides, I almost have an excuse now; I'm usually fucked up. Last night it was alcohol. And for the first time, it really did make me bold! That, plus I got a LOT of encouragement from Lisa. And when she says something should happen, that's how I know the idea isn't as insane as I thought. Or that it is as insane as I thought, but that I should do it, anyway. I definitely told my best friend I was going to rape the shit out of him last night. At one point I would have been okay with literally raping him, like, even though it really would have been non-consensual on his part. All of a sudden I got a shitload of confidence last night. It feels nice to have it again, but Jesus. I jumped into the shower with him, grabbed a hold of his cock, and just...wow. But you know what? He really probably shouldn't say things like, " When you and so and so break up we have to have sex " and " Snuggling will lead to something else. " And he gets naked all the time in front of everybody! Surely he had to know that some crazy bitch out there was going to go for it! And did he not expect me to hold him to his word about having sex!?! Come on, now! I told him many times that I thought he was an idiot for not doing it. He is. Whatever, maybe some day. After all, it took quite some time to work up to being able to fuck Jonathan. I didn't do it (thank God), but I finally got there, at least. Well, last night was closer than any other time, so who knows? And if he really doesn't like it, he can stop hanging out with me when I'm drunk/fucked up. Besides, I'm not usually THAT bad. And it wasn't even bad! It's not like I cornered him in the bathroom and wouldn't let him leave, although I will admit that it did cross my mind. Oh well. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I can be okay alone, so that helps. At one point, I got a really sweet phone call from Jamie saying thanks for helping him and his girlfriend stay together and that I was an awesome friend and shit. But then he called back a couple hours later and MAN was he being a dick! He started off the conversation by asking how much I like the guy I wanted to fuck, telling me that he's going to get him fired and deported and shit, and then he starts yelling at me about how we've been friends for so long and we dated in sixth grade and blah, blah, blah. The thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that he brought up us dating. Like, EXCUSE ME!!?!! Jealousy! That's totally what that was! But where the FUCK did it come from!?! Like, what the fuck!?! We tried dating a shitload of times, he knows that I've always loved him and would have married him and shit, so what the fuck!?! I'm sorry that he fucked up so much and now has a girlfriend that he's madly in love with half the time and calls a bitch and a cunt the other half of the time! It's not my fault his life sucks! But I called him back and left a nice little message saying that I never said anything about his friends being complete dumb ass fuck-ups who burn their apartments down and shit. And I also made sure to mention that I never told his girlfriend that she could do SO much better than him. That's gonna' kick him in the balls. HARD. But whatever. Fuck him. If he calls and wants to work shit out, then whatever, but I'm not calling him anymore. He can go fuck himself. Everyone HAS always told me I'm better off without him. Oh; and he was all mad that I'm still friends with Gus after he crashed my car. First of all, as my friend pointed out, that's a fucking object, and nothing compared to all the emotional hell Jamie put me through. Second of all, that's MY fucking business and choice. Why is it that people tell you to move on and then get pissed when you do? Anyway, I started feeling better when I was sitting out on my porch reading that journal. Then I came across a sex story I wrote and as I started reading it I realized it was the one I posted on here that got found and read by at least one of my teachers (who, unfortunately, was the subject of the story). But it was really well written, so whatever. Fun times in tenth grade, man, let me tell ya. And you know? I was able to look back and see what I was doing five years ago today. Ironically, it was the day I started dating Brianna for the first time, who I may or may not be dating right now. We got together for a couple days, but now she's in the hospital, so who knows what the fuck is going on? Fuck my life. Seriously. Like I said, though, everything is pretty much the same. Why the fuck is that? Now I can notice patterns in my behavior over the years. I would seriously like to know what the roots of this insane obsessive way I get are. I can sort of remember when it started, which was seventh grade, but I would really, ReAlLy, REALLY like to know why.

Crush ME