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2004 6 November :: 9.57am
How different would things have been, would I have been, if I had gone to Colorado? Would I still be madly fucking pining in love with Corwin? [Probably.] Would it matter?
Being somewhere where I do not rely on my parents. Where what money I have/make is mine to do with as I please, and I had better goddamn well be careful with it 'cuz there are bills to pay. It would.
And yet, still. I would hide. And yet, still. I would be a child forever until that magical neck-snapping back-breaking eye-gouging moment of clarity.
Which I just woke up into.
It was never the Air Force that remade me. Yes, I was different after Basic. But that was shell-shock. That was fear and paranoia and knowing that in a panic situation I can sometimes do what I need to do regardless of the worms that are tearing apart my intestines. Tech School had little enough effect on me, I was a snail that brought my "home" my illusion of fucking worthlessness with me and lived in it. Presumably forever.
It was meeting Shillowe that changed me. That allowed me to embrace those parts of myself that everyone had always told me [or more accurately, that I had always told myself] were sinful. Were wrong. Were not what a good child does.
Sex is just the tip of the iceburg. She tought me to love the fact that I am a freak by society, to embrace and enjoy the wierd and the out there and that which had always been to me beautiful but I was so sure that everyone else would hate me for it. She accepted it. She more than accepted it, she loved it too. She loved me for it. And I loved her for it.
[Lest you get the wrong impression -- I have never and would never screw Shillowe. She's my adopted big sister, she tought me everything of how to be, everything which in my fear of losing Jim or any chance at someone like Jim I rejected. But it was never her teachings that were the problem, it was what I had done with them. A child on its own for the first time is bound to make a few mistakes. I've made mine.]
Shillowe is one of those people who you feel so completely accepted, so completely yourself around . . . it was great, and it freed me from myself. The hard part now is getting it back. The hard part is not letting my fear, not letting Sab's fucked up idea of reality, drag me back down into that hole that I have been living in all my life.
I'm back down here, but. If I just stand up. Put my hands on the walls. And pull.
Ha.
.come get your knife.
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2004 3 November :: 9.38am
well, fuck. i had fully intended for there to be a nanonovel this year, i really had.
i wrote about four hundred words on it last night and it rankled the whole way through. i've lost touch with the characters, irreversibly. more to the point, i'm not sure anymore if theirs is a story that really needs to be told.
i wrote four hundred words today on glitter & achmed. don't know whether i'll continue with this or not. but they [and what they represent] are all i can think about right now. yeah, sure, the four-dimensional fish and the men in black and saving the universe from the forces of ecch are all very nice, but what really matters is those two.
what really matters is how i'm projecting myself upon them. how i'm no glitter.
but i've got to find some way to dispel this rage. get some sleep. i stayed up all sunday night, jus to read his livejournal. why? because 9/10ths of it was about his ex-girlfriend.
because he's the sort of guy that falls so completely in love with someone that nothing else matters. and it was beautiful to watch. and it hurt like a bitch. and in the morning i felt silent, tired, and wise.
but then it all came crashing down, i guess. i haven't been sleeping well and. i guess. i.
he says he loves me. i can't fathom that. or what to do with it. & all i can think about is what it felt like to be held. watching him sleep. all of that shit.
i fall too hard, every time. and i never quite recover.
and this other side of it, what sab's doing to/for/with me . . . yes, i want to be silence. yes, i want power and his form of perfection. yes, i want to be able to break people.
but i also want to relax. and just feel it wash over me again.
le blarg. arg arg.
.come get your knife.
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2004 31 October :: 7.56pm
you want to know why i felt like breaking your neck? why sometimes i want nothing more than to slam that beautiful face of yours into a cement wall? feel the crack as you break . . .
it said, somewhere about a year ago, something about you leading people on . . . juggling girls . . . yes, well. it's true. you do. i know you don't mean to. you don't even know you're doing it.
but my god man. this hurts so much.
unrequited love is a kick in the face to begin with, but then you keep dangling the slight chance at being with you in front of my face . . . never close enough to touch.
i fall too hard. & i so fucked this up. i'm sorry, but i don't know what for. [why do you call me? we never talk . . .]
i want more than anything. for you to feel for me what you did. but you can't. and you never will. and i.
god. damn. this. hurts.
1 .bloody kiss |
.come get your knife.
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2004 30 October :: 9.49pm
I wish I had gone to college in Colorado.
Fuck.
Right now, all I want is friends. Right now, all I have is an all-consuming loathing for those few people who are physically around me. And that makes the isolation from those who really matter all the more poignent.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck it.
I'm so goddamn alone.
.come get your knife.
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2004 30 October :: 9.42am
you'vegottobefuckingkiddingme
Jeezum, I'm shaking. Jeezum! Jeezum. jeezumjeezumjeezumjeezum
goodFUCKINGchrist
he's muffled by the mask. i wish someone else could hear it. feel it. anyone else. speech imprediments. sab had braces, once. nothing wrong with her teeth, just metal in her mouth. metal in my mouth. olympian. jeezumi'mshaking. stop it!
he is the voice of an adult man disgusted by the incomptetance of a child. he is my father screaming at my brother for not being potty-trained. he is the disgust i bear for myself.
this goes beyond effigy's filth.
jeezum, i'm shaking, i'm shaking. jeezum. please.
speech impediments. the monster in the cell.
he's muffled in that mask.
sounds like . . .
1 .bloody kiss |
.come get your knife.
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2004 26 October :: 11.01am
:///---/
.come get your knife.
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2004 25 October :: 2.03pm
i am spewing contradiction after contradiction.
.come get your knife.
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2004 25 October :: 1.52pm
it's.
& maybe i'm wrong. bold statements, and i never back them up.
wake up. she says. wake up, over and over. screams or whispers or just turning away and shaking her head, blowing steam into the wind.
this morning i felt like i could take on the world. i'd found that middle ground. but naturally, i slipped again. i'll stand up yes i'll feel better again yes but for this one particular moment it's all like drowning.
she'srightshe'srightshe'salwaysright. and yet. i can't just accept her perspective. her solution. gods know i've tried.
oxytocin is fighting back. it's not supposed to. it's that goddamn five percent, it's dogging me everywhere. i can't go five minutes without thinking about it. but i've got to. i've got to.
[tool] let this go . . .
there are no other options. there is no salvation. if i keep my heart where it is, the way it is, it'll just keep bleeding. i've been trying to cut it off completely but that's not working, obviously.i wish i could turn it back into the stone that it was before, it was great, it was great.
lack of emotion sounds like the worst state in the world, but believe me, it is so very freeing. a cheshire, a cheshire.
rejection of foreign tissues. i've lost my point.
no. if i stay like this i'll bleed and bleed and bleed. but i can't go back. but i can't go forward. i'm fucking trapped.
there is a narrow path to walk but it's hard to stay on it. not that i should expect anything less, not so soon. in a month, i pray, it'll no longer be tightrope walking. in a month, i pray, this shit will no longer bother me.
that's a bit too much. it'll bother me for a good while. but in a month, hopefully, it won't hurt. i'll be able to concentrate.
not think about jim all the goddamn time.
.come get your knife.
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2004 24 October :: 1.23pm
I've made lists before, but you know, post-it notes just don't fucking cut it.
1. NaNoNovel. Wrath of the Underground. I have no idea whether I'll make to to 50k and I don't care, as long as all that must be told is told. They are dead and this shall be their eulogy.
2. Godsmack concert, 2 Nov. Call the guy about tickets. Fuck the fear of crowds, of riding with people you don't know, of imposing. It's Godsmack.
3. Martial arts classes. Hapkido MWF, Taekwando TT. Thirty bucks each. Only reason you held off was money.
4. Get the phone line installed. Then finish your website. Be on aim and fucking talk to people. I miss conversating w/alicia.
5. Comic. I don't care what form it takes, how long it takes, whether it gets started before the end of the year. Just fucking do it already.
6. Find a Blockbuster. plzplzplz let there be one in this area that's easy to get to. Barring that, play lots of DDR.
7. Play video games. Read. Attempt to do so without stopping every five minutes to angst.
1 .bloody kiss |
.come get your knife.
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2004 24 October :: 12.37pm
lay around in the fetal position for over an hour, stop feeling sorry for yourself. feel like shit. call shillowe. she keeps herself busy. i should do that. barring the binge drinking and random sexxoring, of course.
i have six hundred dollars to fucking spend. i'm signing up for those goddamn classes.
my nanonovel is going to get finished this year no matter what. i'm not going anywhere. i won't be distracted by family, by my birthday, holidays. maybe it won't be fifty k but that fucking story will be told.
website. godsmack. etc.
.come get your knife.
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2004 24 October :: 10.17am
appendectomy. removal of a gangrenous limb.
or fuck the metaphors. i just told him i could never be with him. i never could, really, but dear god, it's nice to hear and pretend.
before i fucked everything up.
before i realized a lot about myself.
before, before, before.
and if i hadn't, i wonder if there still wouldn't be a "we."
but i did. fucking stabbed him. killed it like she killed fury. out of fear. the one good thing that'll ever fucking happen to her and she killed him as soon as she met him.
well. all wasn't, in the greater scheme of things, lost. euphoria ended badly but for however long it was they were great together.
except she wasn't really herself. that violence, effigy, the mask. it's her too.
too many goddamn metaphors. too many goddamn characters. and a voice in the back of my head screaming hysterically, whatthefuckhaveidone, whattheFUCKhaveidone?!
hole in my heart will never close, but it will stop throbbing eventually. you'll look back in a year, if you survive that far, and know how far you've come.
[into the grey.]
.come get your knife.
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2004 24 October :: 7.24am
i feel like i've had an emotional enema. drained but clean and empty.
no sleep, no dreams. no dreams, no wish to kill myself upon awakening.
mind you, the night itself was not in the least bit fun.
but i could tell. from the fact that i would take my cell phone with me, if i left. that it wasn't really the end just yet. just trying to send a message. get across how much this fucking hurts.
maybe i don't need to.
maybe it doesn't matter, but not for the reasons i usually think.
or, no. they're the same reasons. just viewed from a different perspective.
yeah, he doesn't love me. not like i love him, not ever. yeah, i fucked up and stabbed him in the heart, because i knew even if i didn't know how i would react. and yet i kept going, because of that fucking five percent.
everything says, that if you come out here, jim, if you marry me, it'll just be an escape. it'll just be a stopgap. a pit stop, not a destination. you don't expect for it to last, it's just the only feasible way you could be with me as long as i'm enlisted.
well. damn it. i thought that way too, at first.
and then i don't know. does sex change everything? does being around you again? does meeting my parents and realizing that, oh god, he fits in so well, oh god, i could spend the rest of my life with this guy?
was it just . . . the feeling of comfort and safety. for those first few nights when i'd fall asleep in your arms.
but you know. towards the end, you'd always turn away. and i was left to run my fingers down your back and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what i'd seen in folsom was the fucking truth.
you could never love me like her. ever.
and i've got to get out of this. before it kills me.
.come get your knife.
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2004 23 October :: 2.36pm
&in this dream we were both naked in a river, the current pulling strong back and under. [undertow] and i was scared. these dreams of drowning. but.
you held me and it didn't matter. in your arms, nothing can get to me.
then, of course, i woke up.
i love you, dear boy. i wish it didn't bring tears to my eyes to say so.
.come get your knife.
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2004 19 October :: 2.46pm
stupid. how i say i'll never give up. and then say exactly the opposite, that i already have.
but it's true, though. she's so hi~igh, high above me . . .
i don't know what her perspective is and i wish i did. if she feels anything for him at all, if she ever plans to act on it. if she'll fucking break his heart if she does.
there's nothing i can do about it from out here. she's there. he's there. i'm so very not. they hang out. he wants more than anything to be with her. he'll take me as a close second, but still . . . second best is second best. and he's around her.
i talk to him maybe half an hour a day. if that. they hang out and watch britcoms together for hours on end.
maybe she says she'll never have anything to do with him, but given the situation, how can i do anything but assume that i'm fucked?
it's just a waiting game but i can't see it turning out well at all.
.come get your knife.
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2004 19 October :: 2.36pm
and this girl, this vision i have. of the one who would be "perfect" for him . . . maybe it's too simplified. this little waif of a princess. this helpless little shit in a white dress. waitingwaitingwaiting doing nothing until she's rescued. all broken but beautiful. so beautiful.
[so pathetic, she snarls. she'sright.]
and it's possiblypossible that he finds my aggression a not unnattractive quality but . . .
claire. i've heard him on the phone with her. talking her down as she cries. he is [maybe was, they had a . . . falling-out sort of thing] who she goes to for comfort. he is [was? will be again? does it matter? i'm screwed from the beginning . . .] her security blanket. and she's the perfect damsel in distress.
i can't describe this well. it's in his body language. tone of voice. over the phone, in person . . . even just talking about her, there's a difference. and it fucking breaks my heart, not because he's madly in love with someone else [whocanblamehim? she's probably as brilliant as the other one was, as they always are . . .] but because i don't stand. a. fucking. chance. if she ever decides to let him move in.
he says i make him happy, but that's bollocks. or rather, semantics. i can make him happy. but she makes him fucking euphoric.
and the truth of the matter is i want nothing more than for her to do it. and make it work. fucking make him that happy all the time, you stupid little girl, you have no idea what's right in front of you. i don't matter, i'm not even in the equation. i just want him to smile. like he does around her. every goddamn day.
.come get your knife.
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2004 19 October :: 2.14pm
that falling is floating in heaven for hours
and it still hurts, you know, when i remember what it felt like. to have and to hold. to stare at your sleeping face.
but. well. weep not.
i want to tell the [former] source. things. anything. but this goes right along with the other Oath. certain things when said cannot be unsaid. certain promises when made must be kept at any cost. i'm finding my honor in the most unlikely of places . . .
. . . a neon green guardian? pfah! i would surely have said. pfah!
if jim is my white knight then she is my black knight. he is unreachable but offers salvation. she offers life itself, but at such a cost. i'm too weak to survive without both of them. i'll take her when he's not around.
. . . the part that bothers me is, she'll still be there when i do meet him again. like it or not i am changed and changing. constantly. i keep worrying that the person i am now is not the one he fell[1021] [idon'tbelieveawordofit] in love with. or worse, that said person never really existed.
i knew when i met him i could never have him. he was beyond me, morally and ethically. too pure. too good.
on the beach, dan passed out behind us, a feeble sunrise behind a shit-smear of clouds. i said something about my [very short] hair and he said he prefers when girls have longer hair. so he can brush it out of their eyes. like this.
i had to look away.
splat, there goes my heart on the sand.
i knew i could never have him.
i also knew i could never stop.
i'll be his shadow.
his lesser half.
his. whatever.
as long as he'll let me.
until it starts hurting him.
[maybe it already has. maybe i've already done so much damage that nothing else matters.]
i can't. leave this.
not until i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he doesn't want me, or can't handle me anymore.
not until i've sucked every last drop of goodness from it.
arg.
arg.
i hate it when i do that.
that filth, it's still there.
i still don't want it on him. anywhere near him. in the same fucking universe as him.
he's too good for you, i say.
to the other version of me.
i'm right. i think.
but.
.
.
.
something.
.come get your knife.
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2004 17 October :: 10.22am
a white knight deserves a princess. a princess in a tower, a princess you have to kill a dragon for, a princess under a curse. hard to get, but worth it in the end.
you don't get it, retard. you haven't seen things from my perspective. haven't felt this Filth in every vein in every pore in every breath. i don't want you ever to feel it. i am covered in shit and you are an angel of light to me, i want more than anything to be held in your arms but then you'd be covered in it too. understand? i corrupt. i make good things go bad. that's why i keep all of this to myself. nobody needs this. i don't need to drag anybody down.
if i had the courage, the means, and a decent reason to . . . but you know what's holding me back? that fucking five percent. humans will do anything for the slightest chance that something good will happen. especially when there's no other options.
just want to stare death in the face and bang. easy. over. out.
people keep thinking i'm more than i am [dwelling on it dwelling on it rereading the] [&does that make ignorance bliss? is any of that true anymore? does it matter if it is? it may scar over but you'll still twitch when i move at you. still expect me to bite.]
&strange but now i'm the one incapable of non-monogamy. i can't. won't. am incapable of dating other people. well. i don't date anyway. so that's out.
but i'm very . . . uni-directional when it gets to this point. that's why i don't like falling in the first place. i know where it leads. i get too focused. too obsessed. way the fuck too obsessed.
it's a question of morals. yes, amazingly enough, i have them. they're just skewed, is all. but . . . once i've made that oath. to myself, to nothing else, it's nothing but a decision but one i will not waver from. the cost may be as it is and if it takes another two years, three years, ten years to recover then so be it. an oath once said shall not be broken. that's part of her moral code.
frightening. she's just as human as the rest of us. a monster, yes, but she's a knight too. she'll die for me, for children or those too weak to defend themselves, for certain ideals. she already did, once.
there is one [1] [a new meaning to the name, ahhahaha] hole in my heart. it can be filled by 1 [one] person at a time. i gave up god for her. i gave up her for you.
you can have it all
my empire of dirt
i will bring you down
i will make you hurt
maybe you and that stupid white-knight tendency . . . yeah, maybe you could bring me out of it. but at what cost to yourself? it's triage, my boy, some people just aren't worth it. limited resources. go save someone who can save you back.
2 .bloody kisses. |
.come get your knife.
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2004 14 October :: 10.45am
And if I don't say anything about it, nobody has to know.
The last thing I need to infect other people with this. To cause them distress because I am what I am.
He says next december. I say, we'll see. You might not like what you find when you get here. You might snap to your senses before then. Most of me wants you to.
I'm so bad for him. He's great for me, but I'm so bad for him. He says I make him happy, but my god man, not euphoric. Not like she could. I wish I could have done something besides sit there and be frustrated. Those two would have been so goddamn great together. And she would have been so good for him. Instead he's got . . . this. Beast.
Fairly sure he has no idea what's going on in here. What "I'm" really like. Or maybe he does and he underestimates it . . . I'm more than high-maintainence, I'm aggressively insecure. Very aggressive. He's seen it. He's too retarded to ditch me yet, though. Maybe this whole life-getting-together thing, maybe he'll grow a spine, grow some common sense.
Maybe we're too young for it to matter, but if he stays with me it'll be fucking throwing his life away . . . at the very least I don't want kids. He does. He really, really does. I'm not affectionate. I can't reassure him when he's down, offer advice. I can't do much more than sit there and look stupid. I can be a shoulder to cry on but nothing more than that. I can't heal people, I'm too worried I'll fuck something up trying, or I just lack the capacity. I care, I'm just incompetant. Women are supposed to be the caretakers and everything, all sympathetic and emotional and . . . we're supposed to be the healers. But I'm the one that needs healing. All the fucking time. This goes beyond high-maintainence. You don't want this. I don't want to you want this. I don't want to bring you down.
And that's pretty much all it is. I don't want to bring you down. I don't want you ever to feel this because of me. So.
If in the next fourteen months. It somehow falls apart. Or you find somebody else. I'll be glad for you.
But you don't ever need to know that.
.come get your knife.
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2004 13 October :: 1.24pm
i can never remember writing this shit down. it's like woohu is a big memory blank to me. but whatever.
thing. about. yeah, it will. maybe it won't, but probably it will. that gives me joy. a step up. able to find my way out of the very deepest bits, at least.
and somehow it's the catalyst for everything.
.come get your knife.
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