Happy bday danison
todays danis bday yay! gawr my cd player is a fucking piece of shit gr anyway im taking a day off from going out becuase i've been not home enough (so says parents) ash gets back today finally! carries still isnt home and i really miss her :( she hopefully will come back soon though not much happening lately ...met a few neat ppl through woohu, its nice to know that ppl hear my views. ha nick has to go to court, funny stuff. he snuck out and got cuaght past the town curfew and he said that one of the cops kept hitting on him haha i wouldnt doubt it ....yeah well thats all from evil town of ft.myers PEACE

LALALALA
WOW im so hyper/happy/loved haha yay my birthdays in 3daysish!!!! YAY and friday we go out and see a movie! yay!!! i hope i see andrew yay hahahahaha LIFE IS GOOD RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT SO LIVE IT UP okay thats all for now folks harharhar YAY

'And this medicine is just what you deserve so swallow, choke, and die.'
Went to the mall today with linsey to get danis present. i got her the cutest...oh wait...maybe she reads this...hm.. okay anywayz i feel like shit my head hurts and everything sounds really loud. grrr i also feel lonely. i dont know it seems like everyone around me has someone that loves them except me. im just so ungrateful i know. its okay i mean i realize i have awesome friends and family...im just missing that one person...its so stupid i know, i dont need a guy to complete me or what not. but i want one, oh jeez i cant even stand my own ramblings.

'Your taste still lingers on my lips like you just placed them upon mine and i starve, i starve for you"
Hey linsey just left from spending the night it was fun hehe. ianson called my cell hes so funny lol and then these guys david and ...uh...robert!, yeah thats it...called and we talked to them for a lil...it was...yes...anywho friday a bunch of people are goiong out for my bday yay!!! were going to see pirates of the carribean (again sheesh) it should be fun though i cant wait to see everyone hehe i hope all my friends can come. okayt well thats all for now PEACE

cruelty
me and linsey went to the moives tonight it was cool. we walked to starbucks and got cofee , but we saw cameron. its always bad when we see him and all his friends. hes just such a jackaass to linsey, i dont understand it. she deserves nothing but niceness and they treat her like shit. she also broke up with paul tonight. im trying to type quitely so she wont wake up shes sleeping over tonight. grr i hate seeing such a good friend mad, i just want to beat the shit out of all of them!!! GR

"The runway lights are the deepest blue like the color of you eyes"
GAWR! i hate these fucking schedules i have no classes with linsey and all my hard classes are together so i have bio, geo, french, and english one after another! dammit, and its all fucked up so i have to call my guidance counselor and get it fixed...stupid high school can kiss my ass....ANYWAYZ last night was fucking awesoem!!! linsey came over and we had some FUNNNN lol who would trust me with a house all to myself??? i sure as hell wouldnt lmfao yeah..i think linseys coming over again tonight and shes gonna sleep over (?) well thats all for now comment if you have classes with me! PEACE

paiting
wow so i painted for 5 fucking hours today, so fun really...ha. nothign else really didnt go to cheerleading i was to tired, i need to stop making excuses though and get my ass to cheer, ha. thats really about it PEACE

BOYS
BOYS ARE SO SILLY! haha i just got back from the movies with linsey yay we saw pirates of the carribean with the hot sexy boy jhonny depp in it, he actually looks good in eyeliner...hm...anyway we get to the moive and when i go to buy candy and what not this guy comes up to linsey and says hi then goes away. well when i come back he comes back up and says 'My friends are loney and can they sti by you?' so we just kinda dont say anythign so they come and sit by us..it was silly haha OOO linsey walked in to the boys bathroom it was SOOOO funny i didnt say anythign i just let her walk in hahaha I LOVE IT ugh tommorwo...well acually today, in 7 hours...ughhh i have to paint some lobby at the beach....GAWR i dont want to get up early!!!!! oh well i get money for it yay haha PEACE

nothingess
BLAH thats all i have to say. GAWR okay well me and nick are better now so thats good but...we completely have run out of things to talk about, i guess that happens when you know every single thing about one another. but still...oh well. ashleys still in north carolina and her lover (jk haha) is coming on friday with a friend, wish i was there! well its my birthday in 9 days and i kinda don't care anymore. i dont know its not a big birthday or anything, 15 is just....15. yupperz thats my boring life today so im going to go and do...nothing. Hey pplz again i just got back from subway. I WALKED ALL THE WAY THERE!!! haha linsey met me half way and we walked there. it was really hot, well anywayz we were sitting there saying how we didnt want to walk back when these guys came in ....sooo they had a car...and im like linsey go ask them for a ride but neither of us wanted to. so one of the guys, adam, walked over and started talking to us. Hes a junior at ft.myers and so was his friend. well i said how hot it was and that we didnt want to walk back, and the nice boy offered us a ride haha. So he drove us back to my house and asked for our numbers!! it was great fun haha and me and linsey are going to the movies tonight yay

How could i possibly think it was getting better, who am i to say whats goign to happen in my life? It will never change, the feeling of inadequacy willl never die. I wont ever be good enough for anyone. I will never be perfect enough for my own eyes. I can't do it anymroe i dont want to feel anything. Say im fucked up, criticize me go ahead. I can feel the stares as i turn my back to everyone, im not stupid i see you all. I can't handle being judged like this, all those cruel eyes tearing me to shreds. I want what everyone wants, i want what everyone seems to already have. I just want to be alive, happy...i can't . i just i hate myself so much that theres anger in every pore. I can't stand to look in the mirror, disgusted by what i see. I thought this was over, i thought i was okay again. Its never over its just hiding until i think its goign to be okay. I can't do this to myself again i dont want to but theres no other way...i feel out of control and lost and used and insane. Why wouldn't he use me, thats all i am. Of course i don't matter to him why would i? Im nothing, just some bitch who falls too hard. He doesn't know what he took from me, he never will know because i will close up again. What else can i do?

The rain fell hard that night
the tears were unknown
covered in your arms i felt safe
you didn't have to convince me
it was over as soon as it had started
nothing would be the same
how could i have thought you felt the same?
i didn't notice the talk, i couldnt hear the lies
i only listened to you, look where that got me
the rain fell hard that night and so did i
i fell without anyone to catch me

Tuesday
I am very happy right now. I don't know why i just am and its good. I went and quit cypress cheerleading this morning, it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. I go back to school in 20 days, ugh. Its okay though i hope i have classes with my buddies! well im going to go be happy some more now. Oh yeah, nicks being an asshole, whats new? haha PEACE

Cheerleading
Wow big fiasco this morning. First off im sleeping all nice and peaceful till my mom runs in my room screaming i have cheerleading at 8 and guess what it was exactly 8 when she woke me up. So i run around like a crazy person and get dressed then we get there at 8 10, and apparently everyone got a call saying it didnt start till 9. So we saw keisha and so we picked her up and went for coffee. Well then when we get back and the meeting starts, and i felt kinda stupid not wearing practice clothes becuase i was quitting but...yeah well the new prinicpal was there and SUCH A BITCH. i mean she didn't say anyhtign new about us not competing. The captains rita and amy gave a little speech about how important it was to everyone that we compete but the princiapl loked like she couldnt care less. And everyone was crying and goign insane. I feel so bad for the seniors that aren't goign to be able to compete this year, they would have won nationals i just know it. But it was so fucked up and just not fair. All the parents are suing the school or something and its going to be a HUGE deal. I'm so glad i have southwest otherwise i wouldnt be able to cheer at all.....oh well. 11 MORE DAYS TILL MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! peace