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2006 3 November :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: mellow
They say drugs are a crutch. Some people use them to escape reality. I take that back. All people use them to escape reality. Their reality. They’re an escape from failure, from success, from whatever you don’t like about your life. But there are so many other crutches that aren’t even acknowledged. Food, exercise, writing, reading, or self injury. A parent living out his or her dreams through their child. It’s anything that creates an escape. Our world, our reality, is full of these crutches that we use to hobble away from the reality we created for ourselves.
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2006 31 October :: 9.56am
:: Mood: amused
I had some of the craziest dreams last night.
One of them involved Brett. Yes, Brett, I dreamed about you.
Anyway, it was really odd. Brett was behind many of the journals on woohu. He created and was posting on them as the person, but it was really him.
And I uncovered the conspiracy.
It was pretty fucked up.
Then again, so was I.
Michelle
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2006 30 October :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: contemplative
"We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless"
-T.S. Eliot
Every day I learn more, and realize more. I become aware. But that doesn't make it any less difficult.
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2006 29 October :: 10.22pm
It's worth noting...
The scariest thing on television tonight isn't the showing of Spooky Hollow, or The Exorcist. It's not the scary marathon about ghosts on the family channel.
It's the two Republicans arguing over immigration on Fox News.
I watched in horror as I ate my pinapple cup with chop sticks and mulled over my recent addiction to sushi.
Michelle
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2006 29 October :: 4.00pm
Some drugs are not bad for you. Yes, some physically harm you, but legal drugs do the same, tobacco and caffeine, for example.
People who don't like people doing drugs are bad for you.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.
And lastly, hippies don't suck, and just because you do drugs doesn't mean you're a hippy. And, if it was indeed true that only hippies do drugs, this world would be a better place, because everyone wouldn't be unintelligent assholes that don't know what the fuck they're talking about, and stupid enough to know that hardly anyone really likes them.
Michelle
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2006 28 October :: 4.21pm
Jessie is here at CMU with me. I'm extraordinarily excited. Earlier, we romped about the campus. Next, I believe we'll prance to Meijer. Either way, I'm sure it's going to prove to be a most fantastically enjoyable occasion.
Good Day.
Michelle
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2006 27 October :: 11.20am
"Now it is autumn and the falling fruit
and the long journey towards oblivion.
The apples falling like great drops of dew
to bruise themselves an exit from themselves.
And it is time to go, to bid farewell
to one's own self and find an exit
from the fallen self."
-D.H. Lawrence
From
"The Ship of Death"
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2006 26 October :: 6.54pm
Sometimes I can just feel this pressure well up inside of me, encompassing my heart. I get cold, and shiver, even when the air is warm. My eyes well up with moisture, ready to burst at any moment. The back of my throat aches with every beat of my heart. I become despondant, distant, a type of concentrated deliriousness. My lips become dry, a shiver runs through my shoulders. The hair that fell in front of my face remains unmoved.
I stare at the screen, or some other distant or imaginary object. I can't think of anything else.
What is this feeling?
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2006 25 October :: 10.04am
:: Mood: bored
So...
Would you say your nose crotch has had an important effect on your recent health?
If so, explain.
Thank you.
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2006 24 October :: 5.56pm
:: Mood: amused
University band in thirty minutes. Never fear, I won't be late. The library is next to the music building, and I'm always the first person in there anyway.
I played Syrinx today. It's been a long time. I remember auditioning at Grand Valley. Thinking of that day makes me less nervous for my audition here.
I still have to figure out if it's allowed to major in English and minor in Music in the degree i want to get. I'm not quite sure. I hope so.
Rueben is coming to see me tonight. I'm relieved.
My phone and his phone are acting weird. We can't call each other's phones, but we can both call other people.
Speaking of people calling me
[check phone]
No one called me.
I didn't go to bed until three this morning. It was so odd. I was wide awake. I took a shower and painted my nails. I watched the SNL with Dane Cook.
Everyone up here is obsessed with Dane Cook. Especially my roommates.
Deja Vu.
Goodness. My mind is just not doing well today. I have one of those headaches that you get when you think too hard. We started cellular respiration today in biology. It makes a lot more sense the second time around. Especially with a teacher that knows what he's talking about.
6:03pm
The news is on. I'm not watching it. But it's on. It's a definite.
Babbling on and on.
Your comment. I'm not quite sure what to make of your comment, but either way, I'll take care of it, whether it's apparent or not.
What is it with creepy old men around here?
Ham in the cafeteria today. It was pretty delicious. My roommates and I have agreed that they put laxatives in the food. It's a precautionary measure, so that if something's spoiled, it goes through your system faster so you don't food poisening as bad.
Head Aches.
Rueben is coming soon. Goodness.
Next:
Prelude, Rondo and Siciliano
Salvation is Created
And, the one and only
Liberty Bell
Like I said, John Phillips Sousa and I have something going on.
I bet you're jealous.
Michelle
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2006 23 October :: 10.20pm
I've lost almost all of my hope for the future intelligence of the human race.
I'm fairly positive that they're going to put me in a nursing home and call me demented when I'm eighty and start reciting Frost.
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2006 22 October :: 7.41pm
:: Mood: nauseated
Online Child Predator?
I'm in the library and I think I might be sitting next to an online sexual predator. These computers are open to the public, so you don't need to log in or sign in or anything.
When I came over to this computer he was on a site that feature interactive anime. Now, he's in a chat with someone who's icon is an emo stick figure. He keeps on stretching out and chuckling to himself whenever he gets a response to his message.
Did I mention he looks like he's fourty????
Gross.
[edit] oh, and he has a long scraggly ponytail, too. I bet he's almost bald underneath his embroidered baseball cap.
[edit 2] I think i'm going to throw up.
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2006 22 October :: 6.28pm
:: Mood: drained
I went to the choir concert today, the one Jackie was in. It was beautiful. I've never been to a truely good choir concert, just high school ones.
I finally got it. The reason. Their voices, the instruments of a wind ensemble, they're suppose to sound the same (very few do, however). There were times when I would shut my eyes and it was just music. It wasn't a band, it wasn't a choir, they weren't even chords. It was just beauty painted on the silence of the stage. It made me start crying.
The more I listened, the more I felt that I have become disconnected from all of this. I just thought over and over how if I was studying music at Grand Valley right now, everything would be better. My life would be so different. But I'm not there, and my music is growing more distant every day. I'm ashamed of that.
The first choir sang a piece derived from my favorite poem by Christina Rossetti. I didn't have a program, but I knew after the first line what it was. I recited it to myself as they sang. The arrangement for it was beautiful, full of movement and richness. The words got to me. It was then that I realized that I love both too much to choose. I love words, I love how they make me think and question, but I love music as well, how it makes me feel, how it makes find beauty in everything. I don't know if I was suppose to study music, or english, but without both, I can't live, and in that, I'll study both for the rest of my life.
REMEMBER
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
December 29, 1894
michelle
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2006 21 October :: 6.07pm
I'm stuck. My car is broken.
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2006 20 October :: 2.20pm
:: Mood: awake
Your eyes hold captive a sadness,
which very few have found.
Yet, is it luck or misfortune,
That you know this now?
Few can truely exclaim,
Knowing of that grief,
Does knowing of the worst,
Make happiness more sweet?
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2006 18 October :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
Midterms are done. That's a definite relief. I've forfeited sleep a few nights for it. I don't think it was worth it. I felt a little overwhelmed with all of it, but it's better now knowing that I got an 88, and two 92's.
My first semester of college is half over with!
michelle
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2006 18 October :: 3.02pm
Congratulations on your acceptance to Central Michigan University, Rueben.
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2006 16 October :: 6.16pm
where did everyone go?
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2006 16 October :: 10.40am
:: Mood: drained
"Why it was that upon this beautiful feminine tissue, sensitive as gossamer and practically blank as snow as yet, there should have been traced such a course pattern as it was doomed to receive...An immeasurable social chasm was to divide our heroine's personality thereafter from that previous self of hers who stepped from her mother's door to try her fortune at Trantridge poultry-farm."
-from Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
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2006 16 October :: 12.15am
I need to go to sleep, but the urge is not there.
I did absolutely nothing today. Well, I moved my car, and watched Legally Blonde for the first time, but nothing as momentous as doing homework.
Nothing profound.
Nothing new.
Nothing good.
michelle
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