sugarjackj
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2019 5 January :: 10.59am
:: Music: Bikini Kill - Feels Blind
Going through my journal is always strange. I get so many mixed feelings. It's interesting to read where I've been, what I've done, how I felt.
Some spots are incredibly cringe worthy.
Found an old Photobucket with pictures I thought I'd lost when my old laptop was stolen.
It's neat looking through a timeline of my life expressed in my own words.
It's also painful. Looking back at the relationships and friendships I trashed. All of the horrible and tragic decisions I made. Time lost and people I've hurt.
I fell so far down the rabbit hole. I'm surprised I ever made it out.
Although sometimes it makes me sad to go through my old journal, it does remind me of where I've come from.
There has been much progress and personal growth.
So much more to go.
It's good.
1 crown |
crown me!
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spud
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2019 4 January :: 12.28pm
:: Mood: amused
recorded on 1.2.19
STRANDS. OF. NONSENSE. <3
POD 3
feel free to HELP ME NAME THE 'CAST! :)
1 crown |
crown me!
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spud
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2019 3 January :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: excited
recorded on 12.29.18
I'm still absolutely baffled that this thing is really happening, but it's rad as hell, and I don't care who knows it.
POD 2
1 crown |
crown me!
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spud
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2018 31 December :: 1.39pm
:: Mood: jubilant
recorded on 12.28.18
POD 1
6 crowned |
crown me!
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spud
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2018 31 December :: 12.14pm
:: Music: Eric Clapton - Old Love
Happy New Year's Eve!
Greetings and welcome to the ending of the end of the year!
I would love to say 2018 was a momentous and eventful year, whether the events be good or bad, but in truth - not much happened. I rode my bike a lot. Paid someone to paint my house. Hosted the shit outta MCYPAA. Played a fair amount of drums.
Nothing earth-shattering.
Weight loss was probably the one goal I had for the year that failed utterly. Oh well. I tried hard. I'm giving myself a break for a bit.
Moving forward, I'm going to practice being a bit more selective about the things I say yes to. I keep booking myself for all this shit, and just wearing myself out. Expect a lot more music and recording stuff, and a little less AA service. I'm not quitting AA or anything, but I was a busy little beaver this year, and it was a bit too much. Went to a few meetings this weekend that I haven't hit in awhile. It was refreshing to see a lot of new faces in those places, and nice to reconnect with some people I hadn't seen in awhile.
One new thing I'm starting is a podcast!
That's what brought me to woohu today, actually. As I was sitting here thinking "fuck, where the hell am I going to host this thing?" it struck me that I ALREADY HAVE A WEB PAGE (spoiler alert, it's this one). I also remembered that I had a dummy gmail account I made like 10 years ago. Some college friends were going to be making a webseries, and they cast me to play one of the characters. The project never got off the ground, but his google presence lives on, and "Dustin" has 15GB of drive storage just sitting there empty.
So, thanks to the magnanimous Mr. Nash, and our good Mr. Andy, I would also like to welcome you to the new home of the as-yet-unnamed podcast I'm starting. When will there be updates? How will we track metrics and monetize our listenership? What will we do when we run out of storage on Dustin's google drive? These are all questions I will disregard for now and leave for my future self to contend with. SUCK IT, FUTURE ME!!!
crown me!
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charlie
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2018 23 December :: 9.23am
I've spent so long thinking about how I've gotten old that I didn't even realize that my parents have also gotten old. In the last year they've had a total of five stays in the hospital and now I dread that this may be the last Christmas I have with both of them.
crown me!
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spud
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2018 20 December :: 7.54am
crossposting generates hits, right? gimme dat viral content!
Tried breathing while I was putting on my shoes last night, and now my back is sore #sothisis32 CHEERS!
Maybe it's morbid to talk about, but at one point, my plan was to be dead by 30. I don't know, it was a nice round number that seemed so unimaginably OLD when I picked it. The concept of "live fast; die young" was quite romantic at the time. I am very grateful that the universe has something better in mind for me, and that I'm able to share my bonus time with you fine folks. It's all gravy from here on out! or icing on the cake...
Okay, those two metaphors sound gross when you mix them. But you get what I'm saying ;)
4 crowned |
crown me!
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spud
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2018 14 December :: 12.45am
I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN A LONG TIME.
WE ARE ALL ~very~ SURPRISED.
don't worry, life goes on :)
and honestly, it's not so bad. got some exciting stuff on the horizon. been very busy lately. but some good changes happening.
i realize that is frustratingly vague. even i will read this later and go, "what the fuck was i even talking about? worthless gibberish, all of it."
at least we'll be in that boat together, my friend.
crown me!
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charlie
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2018 25 October :: 4.04pm
:: Music: Menzingers
Waiting for your life to start, then you die? Was your heart beating in the first place?
Two years ago today I made a pretty big career change. Not that my old job was much of a career. It was a summer job I took just for the health insurance benefits so I could fix my back, but I ended up staying 12 years. I really enjoy what I'm doing now, despite still feeling a lot of shame for never finishing college. Years ago I was told that I'd never make anything of myself. Now after spending what has literally been half my life trying to prove otherwise, I'm just really aware of my failures. I don't even know what I was hoping to do specifically. I just wanted some sort of achievement upon which I could hang my hat that would make people go, "That Charlie is alright." I went about it all wrong too. I looked over my old posts on here and it was like I was just trying to amplify whatever parts of my personality I thought made me look cool, or witty, or sexy, or intriguing, or smart. I ended up making caricatures of myself. The struggling musician, the passionate lover, the lovable alcoholic, the political radical, the wounded artist. None of it was really me, just the narcissistic ideas of what I thought I should be. At the same time I'd constantly air my dirty laundry and bad mouth nearly every person in my life at one time or another. It was as if destroying them would lift me up and put me closer to being something special. I still don't know if I've amounted to anything, I probably never will, it's not my place to say. But if I truly had to define myself now at 35, I'd be forced to say, "college dropout, twice failed husband, decent electrician, and father." I like the last one. He's just as weird as I was when I was his age, I just hope he doesn't make as big of a mess of things as I have.
2 crowned |
crown me!
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jedibumblebee
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2018 17 October :: 8.24pm
:: Music: Panic at the Disco- One of the Drunks
Every weekend with your friends/ Every weekday when it ends/ Damn it's all good, I guess
Orange juice, pour out half the carton
Grey Goose, pour it, get it started
Good times, remedy your sorrows
Baptize, don't worry about tomorrow
Shake it up, shake it up, now it's time to dive in
Share a cup, share a cup, now you're screw-driving
Every weekend with your friends
Every weekday when it ends
Damn it's all good, I guess
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Searching for a new high, high as the sun, uncomfortably numb
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the
Never dry
Every day you're thirsty, bourbon high
Sip up 'til you're tipsy, night's young
Searching for a feeling, big fun
Dancing with the demons, Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit
Grips you like a pistol, wet the whistle, wet the whistle
Abyss of ice crystals
Every weekend with your friends
Every weekday when it ends
Damn it's all good, I guess
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Searching for a new high, high as the sun, uncomfortably numb
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Welcome to the club
Round and round and round
And round and round and round
Damn it's all good
Round and round and round
And round and round and round
Damn it's all good
I guess this is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Searching for a new high, high as the sun, uncomfortably numb
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the club
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the club
crown me!
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charlie
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2018 16 October :: 4.48pm
:: Music: Ruiner
And in my free time I sing hardcore songs as heartfelt acoustic ballads
And what the fuck do I know?
But broken hearts, some unsung songs
I never had it hard it enough
So I drag my feet as much as I can
The product of excuses
Brave only compared to some
I consider myself a lucky kid
But I'm pretty good at fucking up
Young, Angry and White
A victim of the middle class
So much to prove
So much to say
When will I be done screaming?
Never take me seriously
Cause who the fuck am I
Just some awkward kid
From a shitty town
No different than any of you
Quick with exaggeration
Philosopher to some
But a story teller to anyone
Who, is truly listening
I'm inspired by
The fact that I
Still get out of bed
I'm over dramatic
Most of the time
Attention whore,
Known to be ill tempered
I got a way with fucking words
crown me!
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charlie
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2018 7 October :: 5.30pm
Eight years without an update.
Still the same person.
Still have my hairline, it's just grey as hell now.
2 crowned |
crown me!
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jedibumblebee
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2018 2 October :: 9.24pm
:: Music: Houses- Fast Talk
Karma's just a different word for bad luck
Me and my best friends cruising down West End Street
Hiding from cops and driving circles around the block all week
All of my friends died out on West End Street
They say we're born to die young
But we're just trying to live in peace
So maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks
Shangri-La dealers at the bus stops
And maybe god is just a cop that we can fast talk
So if you're guilty and you know it, put your hands up
'Cause karma's just a different
Word for bad luck
And what if death is just another pair of handcuffs
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run
All of our friends went crazy on LSD
Sailing their cars through the big bright city streets
And everyone who knows our name
Says that we ain't ever gonna change
They say we're born to die young
But we're trying to find a better way
They say we're born to die young
But we're trying to find a better way
Maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks
Shangri-La dealers at the bus stops
And maybe god is just a cop that we can fast talk
So if you're guilty and you know it, put your hands up
'Cause karma's just a different word for bad luck
And what if death is just another pair of handcuffs
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run
What's up?
Hey, what's up, man?
Just sitting here thinking... I'm gonna be 32 years old tomorrow. And I feel half completely alive... and half completely dead
We hope and we pray day after day
They say we're born to die young
But we're gonna find a better way
We hope and we pray day after day
They say we're born to die young
But we're gonna find a better way
So maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks
Shangri-La dealers at the bus stops
And maybe god is just a cop that we can fast talk
So if you're guilty and you know it, put your hands up
'Cause karma's just different word for bad luck
And what if death is just another pair of handcuffs
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run
crown me!
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jedibumblebee
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2018 19 September :: 8.09pm
:: Music: Death cab for cutie- gold rush
It seems I never stop losing you\ As every dive becomes something new\ And all our ghosts get swept away\ It didn't used to be this way
Gold rush)
They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
Where all the old buildings stood
(Gold rush)
And they keep digging it down and down
(Gold rush)
So that their cars can live underground
(Gold rush)
The swinging of a wrecking ball
(Gold rush)
Through these lathe and plaster walls
(Gold rush)
Is letting all the shadows free
(Gold rush)
The ones I wished still followed me
Change
(Followed me, followed me)
Please don't change
Stay
(Followed me, followed me)
Stay the same
(Gold rush)
I remember a winter's night
(Gold rush)
When we kissed beneath the street lamp light
(Gold rush)
Outside our bar near the record store
(Gold rush)
That have been condos for a year or more
(Gold rush)
And now that our haunts have taken flight
(Gold rush)
And been replaced with construction sites
(Gold rush)
Oh, how I feel like a stranger here
(Gold rush)
Searching for something that's disappeared
(Gold rush)
They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
For what they say is the greater good
(Gold rush)
But all I see is a long goodbye
(Gold rush)
A requiem for a skyline
(Gold rush)
It seems I never stop losing you
(Gold rush)
As every dive becomes something new
(Gold rush)
And all our ghosts get swept away
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
Change
(Be this way, be this way)
Please don't change
Stay
(Be this way, be this way)
Stay the same
Cranes
(Be this way, be this way)
Devour the light
Strange
(Be this way, be this way)
Appetites
I've ascribed these monuments
A false sense of permanence
I've placed faith in geography
To hold you in my memory
(Gold rush)
I'm sifting through these wreckage piles
(Gold rush)
Through the rubble of bricks and wires
(Gold rush)
Looking for something I'll never find
(Gold rush)
Looking for something I'll never find
(Gold rush)
They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
Where all the old buildings stood
(Gold rush)
And they keep digging it down and down
(Gold rush)
So that their cars can live underground
(Gold rush)
It seems I never stop losing you
(Gold rush)
As every dive becomes something new
(Gold rush)
And all our ghosts get swept away
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Change, please don't change)
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Stay, stay the same)
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Change, please don't change)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Stay, stay the same)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
crown me!
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spud
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2018 18 June :: 8.15am
link to article
It took some digging through sensationalist headlines to get straight to the source, but I'm glad I did. This is a very well-written account, explicit in its intent, which is not malicious. Some parts of this hit closer to home for me than others, but all of it is far too common a story. We could all stand to be better to each other, and to ourselves. How often we are held captive by our fears.
crown me!
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