::
2018 4 May :: 8.04pm
:: Music: The Greatest Showman- The Other Side
Take your walls and start 'em breaking
Right here, right now
I put the offer out
I don't want to chase you down
I know you see it
You run with me
And I can cut you free
Out of the drudgery and walls you keep in
So trade that typical for something colorful
And if it's crazy, live a little crazy
You can play it sensible, a king of conventional
Or you can risk it all and see
Don't you wanna get away from the same old part you gotta play
'Cause I got what you need, so come with me and take the ride
It'll take you to the other side
'Cause you can do like you do
Or you can do like me
Stay in the cage, or you'll finally take the key
Oh, damn! Suddenly you're free to fly
It'll take you to the other side
Okay, my friend, you want to cut me in
Well I hate to tell you, but it just won't happen
So thanks, but no
I think I'm good to go
'Cause I quite enjoy the life you say I'm trapped in
Now I admire you, and that whole show you do
You're onto something, really it's something
But I live among the swells, and we don't pick up peanut shells
I'll have to leave that up to you
Don't you know that I'm okay with this uptown part I get to play
'Cause I got what I need and I don't want to take the ride
I don't need to see the other side
So go and do like you do
I'm good to do like me
Ain't in a cage, so I don't need to take the key
Oh, damn! Can't you see I'm doing fine
I don't need to see the other side
Now is this really how you like to spend your days?
Whiskey and misery, and parties and plays
If I were mixed up with you, I'd be the talk of the town
Disgraced and disowned, another one of the clowns
But you would finally live a little, finally laugh a little
Just let me give you the freedom to dream
And it'll wake you up and cure your aching
Take your walls and start 'em breaking
Now that's a deal that seems worth taking
But I guess I'll leave that up to you
Well it's intriguing, but to go would cost me greatly
So what percentage of the show would I be taking?
Fair enough, you'd want a piece of all the action
I'd give you seven, we could shake and make it happen
I wasn't born this morning, eighteen would be just fine
Why not just go ahead and ask for nickels on the dime
Fifteen
I'd do eight
Twelve
Maybe nine
Ten
Don't you wanna get away to a whole new part you're gonna play
'Cause I got what you need, so come with me and take the ride
To the other side
So if you do like I do
So if you do like me
Forget the cage, 'cause we know how to make the key
Oh, damn! Suddenly we're free to fly
We're going to the other side
So if you do like I do
(To the other side)
So if you do like me
(We're going to the other side)
'Cause if we do we're going to the other side
We're going to the other side
::
2018 20 April :: 10.35pm
:: Music: Say Amen- Panic! at the Disco
And every morning when I wake up/ I wanna be who I couldn't say I'd ever been/ But it's so much more than I ever was/ If every night I go to sleep knowing
Been traveling in packs that I can't carry anymore
Been waiting for somebody else to carry me
There's nothing else there for me at my door
All the people I know aren't who they used to be
And if I try to change my life one more day
There would be nobody else to save
And I can't change into a person I don't wanna be, so
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
I pray for the wicked on the weekend
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
Swear to God, I ain't ever gonna repent
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
And every morning when I wake up
I wanna be who I couldn't say I'd ever been
But it's so much more than I ever was
If every night I go to sleep knowing
That I gave everything that I had to give
Then it's all I could've asked for
I've been standing up beside everything I've ever said, but
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
I pray for the wicked on the weekend
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
Swear to God, I ain't ever gonna repent
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
If I had one more day to wish
If I had one more day
To be better than I could have ever been
If I had one more day to wish
If I had one more day
I could be better, but, baby
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
I pray for the wicked on the weekend
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
Swear to God, I ain't ever gonna repent
Mama, can I get another amen?
::
2018 12 April :: 10.04am
:: Music: Robert DeLong feat. K. Flay- Favorite Color is Blue
I'm thinking of changing my name, thinking of wrecking a home/ 'Cause loving and hating are one and the same/ And I'm feeling like everyone's feeling alone
Locked up, naked with socks
I'm watching the phone ring.
It's making me angry.
It's making me mad.
Maxed out, minimum wage
My brain is a time bomb.
I'm saying goodbye, mom,
I'll see you again.
Striking a pose.
Smiling in photos without any reason
With people that I'll never know.
I'm out of control, live in a fictional prose.
I took an oath, it's killing me though
'Cause I don't believe in the things that I do.
And now my favorite color is blue.
And now my favorite color is blue.
And now my favorite
Roped up, rot in a cage
I'm having a breakdown.
Drinking at a playground, tequila for one
Too short, walk in the streets, I'm hating my haircut.
You say that you're here, but
You live on the Sun.
Burning a kite
I'm at a funeral, nothing unusual
Baby, I do what I like
Looking to fight, smoking a blunt and a pipe
Taking a bite, worm in the apple
I knew it would happen, 'cause honey the vermin survive.
Swerve to the side, been driving all night.
I'm thinking of changing my name, thinking of wrecking a home
'Cause loving and hating are one and the same
And I'm feeling like everyone's feeling alone.
I'm just looking for something to soften the blow.
A second inside of the truth
I don't see light 'cause
Now my favorite color is blue.
::
2018 29 March :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Fall Out Boy- Wilson
Woke up on the wrong side of the paradise/ So when I say I'm sorry I'm late I wasn't showing up at all/ I really mean I didn't plan on showing up at all
I was I was I was
Gonna say something that would solve all our problems
But then I got drunk and I forgot what I was talking about
I forgot what I was talking about
Don't you, don't you, don't you know
There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody
There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you
Than to be loved by everybody but you, but you
If I can get my shit together
I'm gonna run away and never see any of you again
Never see any of you again
I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out into space
I always make such expensive mistakes
I know it's just a number but you're the 8th wonder
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Woke up on the wrong side of the paradise
So when I say I'm sorry I'm late I wasn't showing up at all
I really mean I didn't plan on showing up at all
Don't you, don't you, don't you know
I hate all my friends, I miss the days when I pretended
I hate all my friends, I miss the days when I pretended with you
I miss the days when I pretended with you, with you
If I can get my shit together
I'm gonna run away and never see any of you again
Never see any of you again
I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out into space
I always make such expensive mistakes
I know it's just a number but you're the 8th wonder
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If we hadn't done this thing, I think I'd be a medicine man
So I could get high on my own supply whenever I can
I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape from trying to fit in
Yeah, I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape
I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out into space
I always make such expensive mistakes
I know it's just a number but you're the 8th wonder
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
::
2016 5 November :: 12.49am
:: Mood: whoa, dude...
:: Music: the wallflowers
since last we met
yo. i'm still here.
I suppose a lot has happened in 2016 up to this point, and I should probably catch you up.
I didn't wind up getting that house. I did wind up getting out of my parents' basement. I was very fortunate to find an awesome roommate on craigslist. She owns her own home, and I rent the back bedroom. The price is right. We have fun. We eat food and watch tv and shit. I got super lucky to find this place, and appreciate that I get to live here. I didn't realize how much it bothered me living at dad's until I got out and felt this immense weight lifted off of my chest. That's not to say it's always sunshine and rainbows and shit here... but it's a lot better. I'm much more relaxed. More comfortable being myself. It took a few months being here to allow myself to ease into it. It's a good fit, for right now. It won't be forever, but it's nice to not be in a hurry to go anywhere. And she's not in a hurry to get me out of here, which is also nice.
I'm still single. Cold and alone, forever probably maybe. I still vascillate rapidly between deeply longing to be in a relationship and realizing that bachelorhood and freedom is actually pretty fucking rad. I mostly just want something warm to cuddle with. Maybe I should get a dog. I did do the 20-10-5 thing.
*spends half an hour looking for it*
... and now I can't remember what I did with it. I may have thrown it out. the big takeaway I can recall from it is that I'm shallower than I'd like to believe. I wanted to think that a sense of humor or intellectual stimulation would be the most important - and they were important, they definitely made the list of 20 (it was actually really hard to think of 20 things without being redundant) - but if you boil it down ... i have to be attracted to the person physically. have to. don't much care if anyone else thinks they're hot, but I damn well better think so. Otherwise there's no point to the rest of it. I wanted to think that I'm above all that physical superficiality, but apparently i'm not.
i have a "new" (year-old) lunchbag. it is gigantic and awesome. kathy got it for me. after all that bitching i did about her, she buys the best gifts. and i am an asshole. but the zipper works great
I still don't eat very healthy or exercise much. however i recently quit smoking tobacco. it's only been 11 days, so it's still a little premature to call it quits for good, officially, but this is the longest stretch of time i've gone without nicotine in my bloodstream in 10 years. it's kind of a big deal.
also, i bought myself a drum set:
I've been banging on that thing quite a bit lately.
like - all the freaking time. which is awesome.
i also built a drum. it's purdy:
It's at dad's house. I gave it to him because i wasn't crazy about how it sounded, and he didn't have a wood snare. he likes it, so i'm glad it worked out and found a good home. i probably would've warmed up to it over time. it didn't sound bad ... just not how i expected/hoped.
prior to that, i built a bookshelf and a nightstand for my bedroom. they turned out well. oak plywood is fucking expensive as balls. but it looks nice, and is rock solid. glued and screwed together. sanded and polyurethaned. should last a good long while. not perfect, but suitable for my needs.
I did wind up getting that 'promotion' at work. so now i have my own office, a company phone, and a slight (very slight) pay increase. it's a lot more responsibility - i'm running quality control for our entire plant - but it's not terrible all the time. i show up, do stuff, go home, and at the end of the week they deposit money in my bank account. it's a thing.
the basement audio lab has been put on hiatus for the time being. the other guys got busy with life and work and stuff and were unable to commit the time and energy they felt was necessary to continue the project. i can respect that they didn't want to half-ass it. and if things slow down, we'll pick it back up again.
in the meantime, i'm starting on a new project with different people. we will see what happens, but at least i'm still playing. there wasn't even that much down time, and i didn't have to go out looking for something, it came to me. so hopefully that's an indication that i'm supposed to be doing it. we don't have anything online yet.
Here's where the basement audio lab left off, if you'd like to hear what things sounded like right before we hit pause:
I registered for classes today. Going back to school for a degree in library science. Im pretty excited bout this change. It's gonna take a long time but I'm pretty thrilled about the thought of getting out of retail and I think library science is something that I'll really enjoy. And I'll at least know that I'm taking steps to be happy in the long run.
they want to do all original stuff, so gigging is a possibility in the as yet very distant future. it takes a long time to produce enough original material to fill 4 sets. but the upshot is, i get to make up all my parts from scratch. which is awesome.
honestly it just feels good to play again. especially with solid musicians who have been doing it for awhile.
so it's a total bummer that i can't play right now because of my knee. the recovery is going to be long. but hopefully the payoff is worth it. 30 years ago they would have handed me a cane and said, "enjoy this for the rest of your life," so i guess i shouldn't complain.
in other news, it was exactly one year ago from this very moment that i took my last drink of alcohol. i'm celebrating tomorrow, from the couch. i'll be going to the speaker at calvary tomorrow night, but i think i might wait until home group on tuesday to get my chip. i don't know, we'll see.
on the one hand, it's hard to believe it's been a year already. on the other, it feels like a year is a long fucking time, and a lot has certainly changed - mostly for the better. i guess the pit i was in wasn't exactly difficult to improve upon. geographically, however, tahoe is far superior to grand rapids. the city is convenient. i still really miss the mountains, though. they spoke to my soul in a way that i never would have imagined, and now that they're gone, i can sense that something is missing.
oh well. god has a plan, and it's probably smart of him to not let me in on all the details, lest i get ahead of myself and spoil it for everyone. i'm good at that. so, i just ask him to keep feeding it to me in chunks small enough that i'm not as likely to choke on them.
going in for knee surgery on wednesday. i'm intermittently anxious about it. i know that a lot of it is out of my hands. i just need to make sure that i'm doing what needs to be done on my end of the bargain, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. because it doesn't do anybody any good to freak out about things that i have no control over anyway. just do the best i can with the things that are in my control, which are relatively few.
also, i've started getting into fancy sodas now. i realize it's kind of bullshit for me to pick up a new enthusiasm every time i turn around, but it's something i enjoy doing. i like finding things to be enthusiastic about. it's a lot healthier than moping. and sure, i can see how in a way it seems dangerously close to being a craft beer enthusiast. but that was something i always liked doing. it was the least 'alcoholic' drinking i ever did. drinking just to get drunk, you look for anything that gets the job done. sampling things to find flavors you like is a very different undertaking. it was fun looking for different beers and wines to try. why not sodas? i used to look at the labels to find the highest alcohol content. now i look at them to make sure there isn't any. it doesn't seem to me to be any sort of 'trigger' (i despise that term, but it has its uses). but this disease is subtle and cunning, so i guess i'll just be watchful. as long as i'm honest about it, and there doesn't seem to be a problem, then there probably isn't one.
so i got one of these at the orlando airport:
i'm really trying to find something like it that i can get around here, because i thought it was super tasty. the molasses comes on strong, so i wasn't a fan at first, but the malt aftertaste was awesome.
also, there's this high-schooly thing going around the internets where you spell your name with band names. i'm putting it here, because i don't like putting stupid crap on my facebook. so, thank you woohu, for being my perennial repository for stupid crap.
Cake
Head East
Radiohead
Incubus
Spoon
Toad the Wet Sprocket
Old Crow Medicine Show
Pink Floyd
Heart
Elbow
Rush
OK, so, today was alright. Which is fantastic because the past week has been very depressing.
I genuinely smiled/laughed at a couple things today. I didn't have the overwhelming feeling of awful gross all day, which again, was pretty sweet.
Tomorrow my dad is having surgery on his neck in GR.
Apparently he has some sort of hereditary spinal degeneration something-or-other that my grandma also had.
So I can look forward to that coming down the pipeline eventually.
The surgeons with be removing a vertebrae from my fathers neck and fusing the remaining vertebrae together. Its a three hour surgery that requires an overnight stay.
I'm nervous because in my eyes, my big, heroic, invincible father will be going under the knife.
I'm going to be thirty in a couple years, my dads heath is staring to deteriorate and how the fuck did we get here.
Its really alright. I just am jolted sometimes when time slaps me in the face.
So I'm going to the hospital to be there for my dad. I'm also going to be there for my mom, who needs emotional support since it will be in the same hospital my grandpa lost his battle to cancer just over a year ago.
I've been pretty shut-in the past couple of months and spending the next couple days with my emotional, concerned and neurotic mother is not something I am particularly looking forward to.
But.it.must.be.done.
I just hope the surgery is 100% successful and that my mother and I can play cool.
