::
2004 6 September :: 9.52 pm
Bittersweet Symphony
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah
You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?
So i watched the Secret Window last night,it was good. And i watch Hidalgo today..it was good.
Im perky....got 2 new pairs of shoes. 1 pair of black slight heel boots that go to my mid caf.And a pair of white tennies. CUTENESS!! Yes shopping is fun (jeans with pinkness and just jeans! and tinerbell shirt thats green)
lie |
::
2004 5 September :: 7.18 pm
Yeah go figure ;)
Ive been lazy today...so sue me!!!!MWAHhahahahahahahaha!Woke up and talked to ashley, they maybe moving back here...and possibly out to the house in highwood. The i put the dvd player into my room and yeah...um then ive been helping jessikas account and yeah.
Im wearing a sweater and drinking coffee....yay!...I have a pressure headach and my knee hurts..still...i think i need to go to the doctor...
Im going to sew a bodic for wild wild west themed homecomming...yeah.it'll be fun.
Im in the reading mood any good book suggestions?
Yeah....oh im only grounded for 1 week now...ah.
4 truthsooth sayers |
lie |
::
2004 4 September :: 6.29 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: idont wanna wait for our lives to be over.
Living life backwards.
So last night when i went to the game(GOD IM GONNA ARG!) we say ashley adn everyone and it was ffun..niki came with...so we stayed at the game then went to the dance afterwards. So like1/2 hour into the dance niki wants to know if we can walk home instead of getting picked up...she call my parents and we end up walking. She said they said we could leave around 11:20...so we do...turns out she wants to walk home with james livingston, he lives by the mall, so we are talking over by the industrial building and my phone rings,my dad yell at me telling me that we were 15 min late.So we start walking, and its now 11:30... JAMES AND NIKI ARE WALKING EXTREAMLY SLOW. So i ask then to walk a wee bit faster and they say nah, we arnt going to get in trouble dont worry....*he he heh heh*...so i start walking my normal pace and get to my block and yeah (during the time they were constantly 1 block away from me and i kept flipping them off because i was soo pissed at them) so im sitting under the light, and waiting for them to turn the corner of the block 1 block down....so yeah..she gets there...and then they hug for like 1 minute and its now 12:00. And im spazzing so finally im like niki move your ass. We get in and shes like, ill tell your mom its not your fault its mine. Guess who is grounded for 2 weeks?
ME.
Not niki but me. So no movie party, no games , no socializing after school. She placed aside my need to be home so she could hang all over james even though today she is seeing him again today. Thanks niki for being such a good friend, i now know who to turn to when i need a knife driven into my back.
Yeah so im slightly steamed.
Not to mention that this morning my dad and i got in this huge fight which ended in him telling me he was going to send me to a fat camp where i can go ahead and be degraded with other people like me. I just looked at him and said I dont need to go to fat camp to be degraded, your ding a bang up job. Then i walked into my room and for the 2nd time in my entire life actually sobbed in my room, not like aw you hurt my feelings,but more of when am i even alive sobbing, then i almost threw up...and i could stop crying as much as i tried...and it sucked....
Then i guess i screwed my knee over last night so i cannot fully extend it and spent the morning with a heat pad wrapped around it....now i can almost extend it completly.So yeah.
And now im home, and myparents are driving me up the wall.....and my eyes hurt from crying.
And yeah.....im regressing back to the way i was .....i dont want to though.
lie |
::
2004 31 August :: 8.23 pm
Today was much like yesterday......as usual...and i stayed after again....bah......
So im really tired...we've started to play flicker ball and its fun....tanner got smacked in the ballls...mwahhahahahah...i was hoping somethingh like that would happen he diserves it...at times...bah....
Im really tired......im like falling asleep at the comp and its only 6:17......lol last night i slept under the bright moon light ....so im now considered insane.
2 truthsooth sayers |
lie |
::
2004 30 August :: 10.07 pm
Welcome to my dreams...
Well...i couldnt get my locker open this morning due to lack of knowladge of my combanation...yeah...
Biology: STudy of Ecology notes chapt 19 and 20...Art: Words to viual converting...Gym...Run...calestenics...run some more...and walk...how exciting..English: Brainstorming Topics for english paper...Orchestra....sight read.....as usual. German.. Cultural review(They shake with their elbows if their hands are durty)....Comp. Literacy. Test Geometry: Work on angels and point distances...it was amusing.
Then i stayed after school to practic on my cello...mostly technical skills and shifting...So i played like the Bells of Notre Dam..it sounded soo pretty especialy with the vibrato added...ahhh...
Yeah so it was calming..
2 truthsooth sayers |
lie |
::
2004 29 August :: 11.07 pm
Today i decided then im having a very slow panic attack or a mental breakdown...
Hung out with niki on saturday, and saw roxy...niki and i went to lunch then to the mall and yeah. Today i babysat tyler and went to Michaels and Barns and Nobels it was fun.
Saturday i found a store that sells Oolong tea( the tea they have in chinese restaurants)..ive kind of reverted back to my tea stage...but i only like Oolong and raspberry ice tea..yeah past that i still like my coffee..
So my parents are not exactly helping my troubles....i talked to my mom about the way i was feeling and what not and she just looked at me and said " So what did you expect?" ....like i was trash or something....*sigh*....so i dont even think myself to have any worth anymore and dont care much about life....last night i snuck out of my room around 3 am and sat and watched the stars....it was nice...and i felt slightly better....but then i got up this morning again from another of my disturbing dreams......
Dream:
There is a guy wearing a sport jacket suit thingy..and he is sitting in my popazun chair and i sit up and stare at him...then go back to sleep...at which point i wake up....and my window by the chair is open and all the stuff that was in the chair when i went to slleep is place neatly on the floor surround it.....Yeah...its prolly my parents doing something to piss me off...but its happened for 2 nights now....arg....and now my mom is trying to make me feel even more like shit by making sure i understand that im on the computer not doing homework...
im tired of life.wait...scratch that...im tired of people..life is fine as long as i dont...wait scratch that again...im tired of myself. end of story. I want to be invisible...not just ignored but totally invisible...
Heh something i realized the other day. I;ve been playing cello for 6 years now....with no private lessons and little outside class practice...and im good enough for chamber but not good enough for my mom...who is the whole reason im even playing the cello...and amazingly enough the only reason i wanted to play it was because it would make her happy....and now all she does is complain.
Oh....and found out that this dream i aused to have about standing naked in a playhouse with some of my childhood childhood friends was a memory...yeah...it was slightly shocking....
Im babbling...
What do you think happens when you die? hat do you feel? No one knows because people who die...are well dead......maybe being dead is like being comatos? like your body shuts down but you mind might just float
or dissappear
or disperse with no actual stability to hold it together...
or maybe god exists.
Let gods grace rain down upon us! Wait thats not rain!
lie |
::
2004 27 August :: 10.30 pm
:: Music: ....
mmm...yeah...whatever
Well....its official..i went from excited...to nutral...to depressed...and 2 days flat. I dont know...for the past few days it feels like people just look past me. Or though me....like i dont exist.....which would be fine if i didnt think that the world really didnt exist and that everything is an illusion.Or more of its an illusion to me. Im tired of seeing peoples make believe facades.
Ive been on the verg of crying for the past few days...like real tears...the ones that you cant stop for the life of you.......
What can i do now that the world has lost its magic? When the stars seem to dimm when i look at them...and the wind hushes when i try to listen to its song.Why do colors seem to be dull? The crystal isnt as clear as it was yesterday and the brass dosent shine as brightly. People laughter seems to be wilting, and everytime i look in the mirror i see.....what looks like something but feels like nothing. Why cant i find that fire that once led me though my days..the fire that made me have hope of tomarrow being better? Where has it all gone? Someone tell me...its hiding....or its gone forever. My cello seems to sound like its out of tune when it supposidly hits the note perfectly.....why does everysong sound sad? Where is the flare? the fire? the magic? the excitement?
Dream:
Im standing in a feild of roses with no thorns. They look so soft and beautiful, with many colors....Then i go to touch once and 4 inch thorns grow, they stab into my ankles and ancor me to the ground as they curl and twish in my fleash.My blood trickels down and soaks the ground bellow me as i stare out over the ffeild of thorns. The clouds seem to loom and a gust of wind knowcks me on my back, and the thorns twist and curl upon touching my skin.....Then there is someone else in the feild (looks like the guy from the one dream on the island when everyone is made into dolls...yeah the dragon dude)and he reaches down and touches the thorns, and as he does they turn into back sand and fall to the ground. I stand back up, blood seeping from every inch of skin. I look and all i see are miles of desert. The black sand and clouds dont seem to separate. And the guy is still standing there in a white shirt and pants. He smiles and then disaapearsinto the sand.I go over to see what happened and all there is is a pile of gold sand which is caried away in the wind. Then the hair on my neck stands on end and i get this really bad feeling..like something bad is going to happen. I turn around and this huge green/black/silver box rushes toward me...and i woke up.
Thats it....and i still have that bad feeling....go figure.
lie |
::
2004 26 August :: 8.09 pm
:: Music: .....
IM MARRIED!
Well i am now a married women.Jeremy and i got married at the ren. festival by a monk.It was sooo much fun. He had this kind of pirate looking outfit, and i was dressed as a conservitive belly dancer...it was sooo much fun. So yeah hes like one of my long time guy friends,hes one of my cousins friends and is 21. It was soo much fun. Yeah we walked around in the parade as a married couple and yeah!...i miss him...we were actually like...infatuated with eachother.We would just sit and look at eachother and hold hands....yeah....i miss him.
But yeah so the Festival was awsome. I got married and bought a hip scarf with coins on it, a head peice and then Jeremy gave me a pewter celtic knot necklace.....its sooo pretty. His dad makes jewlry and the like so yeah.....
The family reunion was fun...Eric came back from his golf game ,he left on with Ricky and Cory , and had no pants on ...it was sooo funny..not to mention he was half drunk and had spongebob squarepants boxers ;)...But yeah so everyone over the age of 19 was drunk...and brandon and i (he is almost 16 the closest family member in age to me) had a few drinks but didnt get totally trashed.It was fun. I was kinda sad though cause mike wasnt there, hes my fav cousin..yeah...he made sure i got to go to the even/cold concert so yeah.
We got back yesterday at like 4:50pm ...and unpacked and i finished my homework...it was cool....then off to school the next morning....im tired...and i found out i have 2 to 4 concerts every month except for january....yeah....OH and Distric music festival is being held at CMR this year...this should be fun...MWAHAHHAHA.....mmk...oh and we are going to tour to Seattle.
I feel like i've been crying....bah.....im really tired.I have to be at school at 6:30 tomarrow inorder to drop off my cello...and make it to my am class....oh and instead of getting to sleep in i have to be at class by 6:45 as opposed to 7....bah
lie |
::
2004 19 August :: 12.50 pm
Had a weird dream...about a brother and sister...and they were having dreams about dead things which would them matterialize and walk around...it was creepy...but then i was working on a math problem...and we were hiding it from these people...then i was on some stairs and couldent jump accross the thresh hold...bah...
Im extreamly frustrated with the world right now...my parents keep changing the god damned fucking time and im fucking spazzing over it...fuck...and its completly meaningless......god damnit...i dont want to go camping with my family...i want friends to come...fffffffuuuuuuuuuuccccccccck.
I CANT STAND THIS.
lie |
::
2004 18 August :: 11.31 pm
Damn....i was excited for school...but now....*SHOOTS PAST "RELATIONSHIP" IN THE HEAD*...arg...i dont want to go back to the uncertainty of days that bland together.I dont want to be all self concious again. I dont want to have to plan my everymove so i dont screw up.Im sooo tired of this shit i get everyyear.I swear im goignt to crack , especialy if maggie even TRIES to do anything or say anything toward me.ARG ...im have ...GOD.....I just want everything to stay like this, this simplicity.I really dont want to have to put up with PEOPLE. I dont think i have enough patience to go to school and do the same thing every day,for 9 mounths....i have a headach...and im spazzing and....shit now im starting to cry.....
and my mom just came up stairs and wants to know whats wrong....and im not going to tell her, because she'll just say it wont matter in ten years, cause that fixes everything.
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i
i must be sleeping
[chorus]
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all in the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashambed to be the person that i am today
these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before
somebody shake me cuz i
i must be sleeping
[chorus]
i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me
DAMNIT......bah...oh ronnie commited adultry against ashley..and linda*daras step mom* mother died.
Yeah...so here is the rest of the entry...im going to die of frustration.....because my parents are incoheriant...and i try to not tell my friends...because then i seem whiney.
My dad took away my katan because he thought i was acting like a baby...well i thought he was acting like a babybecause he took it away...and then there was this big arguement which basicaly said that after my dad had given me the sword he no longer had control over when and where i could have it....which brnached off into another conversation...ok...argument...
I had another weird dream....i was floating down the anaconda river with 2 other people and the river was like a hot spring...well neways we got out at this cave...and i guess this guy dressed as a samuri killed the other 2 peeps dad...and they bought me for him(?)...it was really weird...then we escaped...from him...i guess...and went to a restaurant...and got raw meat...and had a convo with a wrestling dude....then went back to the cave thing....and decided to kill the samuri dude(?) but it ended with those two being killed and me with a sword stuck between my ribs..but it didnt kill me...then i was shakeled to a wall...and just kinda stood their in a kamono..with a sword in my side...bleeding green and silver feathers.........then...i somehow got the sword out, stuck it in my pocket ,healed myself...and escaped....but when i got out i was in ...a place that looked like it poped out of aladin...and then i was wearing a skirt...and vest...and vale....it was weird...then i woke up.
....i wish i could just disappear.....
1 truth |
lie |
::
2004 17 August :: 12.02 am
Im tired...
Almost finished my costume.
Went to the mall with kayleen jessika gwen, it was fun.
I just realized that in tomarrow and today i will make 48 dollars from babysitting and mowing a lawn..i have traveling money!
Im REALLY friggin tired...i got paid 16 dollars to watch 3 dogs for less then an hour....yayme.
lie |
::
2004 15 August :: 9.23 pm
MMMK...how todays goodbye with Damon should have gone:
ME: Bye Damon
Him: mmk seeya tomarrow.
How it went:
Him: I love you.
Me: *Freeze*
Him: *Stare*
Me: *trying to speak*
Him: *ANGRY/Confused/Sad Stare*
Me: Damon...i ...dont say that to my boyfreinds.
Him: *long pause* Oh i see how you play your game.
Me: Game...wha...
Him: Yeah your game,sam told me abnout it.
Me: *noting to self to demolish sam* What?What would sam know? HEs a snake in the grass.
Him: NO you are the snake in the grass.You toy with peoples emotions.
Me: I do not toy , especialy with emotions, i can be munitulative when i want to but ive never done that with you...
Him: Whatever.
Me: Fine be like that, i want nothing to do with you, especialy if you are going to be like sam.
Him:You are just a peice of trash anyways.
Me: *Gawking stare*A...peice...of trash.You of all people this i am a peice of trash.Someone who just said they love me thinks im a peice of trash.Well Damon, you and SAM CAN KISS MY NATURALY WHITE TRAHY ASS FOR ALL I CARE...because someone who really loved me, wouldnt act like this. This relationship is over.
Him: I just wanted a peice of ass, get over it.
Me: Well, grab your face and you will have a NICE big chunck. *me walk away to home 3/4 of a mile away. get home...and stare blankly at my wall trying to convinve myself that i never had a crush on him, and none of it had happened.*
Yeah...so it fell apart...and im kinda glad it didi when it did....earlier i had talked to his mom and she said she was sending him to central because they dont want him being exposed to public school kids, but she likes me.....it kinda sucks...that i had a crush on the shittiest person possible...damn me.
2 truthsooth sayers |
lie |
::
2004 15 August :: 12.30 am
Yeah..so im scanning things onto my computer..and realize how much i really want to have this amazing adventure...that few know about..and i possibly die from it...or forever go on adventures until my late 80's where i will be climbing a mountai...and fall to my death...yeah..thats the way to go.
Well anyways..i kinda went back to my dark 3/4 of me...and realized that almost everything we do is pointless unless it affects the world in some huge way...people wont remeber us, we prolly will forget about each other. And this all seems so real...but we could be living an illusion.Not much seems very real anymore.....like everythign is moving faster then me...yeah..its frustrating...i also think i dove into a relationship too soon ,especialy after sam.bah
Also another thing has been bothering me. Have you ever just taken a breath , steped back from life and evaluted it?DONT DO IT...yeah
OK and theory of time travel....ok..the general thought of time travel is jumping from one moment in time to another...right? Well..if someone slep for 100 years and didnt age a day...wouldnt that be time travel?They would wake thinking it where 100 years earlier, with the mentality of that generation..so why dont we find away to put people into so sort of suspension...in a moment...preferably while they sleep,but somehow this would also have to incorperate a way to preserve the persons muscles(100 years of not moving wont work) and food(starvation) and water (thirt) and hook them up...basicaly what juliet did in Romeo and Juliet...only for a prolonged time..wouldnt that be considered time travel?
Yes im rambling...so what?
I need to log this all in because i have a short attension span so i tend to forget things just after i think of them, like poetry lines.
I would aso like to desighn a colony. A self sufficiant space colony. But we need a moon colony before the independent colony... But neways..we would send the peices to the moon, then assemble the colony there. The trees and plants would have been pre grown on the moon, which would be moved to the colony,creating the proper atmosphere.....but before that artofficial gravity will be created....(quickly rotating the colony . Then after the ship were built,we would select 100+ families to board the ship. The families will have to breed, to make sure that colony keeps going...they would make their way out of the solar system and to the galaxy of Andromeda.....one they reach there they will find a habitable planet...or slightly habitable planet...and staythere....one ccatch to this...., they will never return...and they will only have contact with earth every 3000+ years...so the history, languages and knowladge may die with them. So its a suicide mission...in a way..but its also i great adventure...seeing this we can only see from afar...if i were to help desighn that...i would die before they even had it built or i would want to go with them...Yes the thought has many holes and unconsidered things, but the thought itself is amazing, seeing things and details no human has ever seen (w/o the aid of tele. binocs.)...the colors,the size...everyhting, everyday would be aw rising...
4 truthsooth sayers |
lie |
::
2004 14 August :: 9.00 pm
So...im waiting for something exciting to happen...because my taste for adventure has yet to be satisfied...bah......'
Alot of things i havent thought about in a long time have been creeping back up on me again..like my constant knowladge of the fact that the day we are born is the day we start to die......its like we age back ward....maybe merlin was the one aging forward....
I dunno there is so much stuff i just shoved in the back of my mind so i can sleep....i do it every summer...so im not stressed....but i ...damnit.
So we are leaving at 4 in the morning on friday..the 20th...and comming back the 25..so i WILL be at school the first day....damn...but neways...yeah i spazed at my mom due to her lack of decision making...damn her anyways...
So i fell asleep from 4-6 due to the fact of..i am sickish...i have a cold...and i had a weird dream..i was working at target inthe winter and we had to give these weird things out...but neways...i stole almost everything from the store...it was funny.....then i steped out of the store and look around...it looked like a picture perfect snowy night in new york..i had a black coat and little burai on...it was fun...then i started walking and ended up at this apartment...walked up the stairs and knocked on the door...someone who i didnt recognize was like "hey we thought you wernt gonna come!!!!" so we all say around and drank coffee, talked about the latest happenings and the like...and as we were all talking i realized it was the gang (gwen ,kayleen, nick and jessika and roxy) ...i guess we all grew up , went our separate ways..and then roxan esque...*cough cough* called us all up and invited us to newyork for xmas...It was sooo cool...like Jessika became a wealthy bussiness partner for this company who emphasises people being confident about there body image....and gwen was a Gerneral, she had flown al the way gwaum...Kayleen had become a piolet for an international airline, Nick had become a devorce attorney, and was curently working on britney spears 2 divorce, and roxan and raab live in new york and painted & wrote for a living...we each had one of the works..it was soo cool.....but the reason everyone thought i wasnt going to show was because i was deep in the amazon, looking for a plant we thought was extinct...BUT a missonary had found some...and used it on this person who he just thought had a cold..but they really had aids...and basicaly the plant had created a temprary cure....but ..well yeah...so there was this team of like18 people searching the jungle...we had to get provisions...and that was the only reason i could attend.....(adventure craving attacking my mind)..so yeah..it was fun
NICK IS MORMON!!!!!!Hes dating gwen AND jessika!!!
2 truthsooth sayers |
lie |
::
2004 13 August :: 6.20 pm
My dad bought me the only thing that could make me any happier then i was yesterday.........he bought me....a ........................................
KATANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite of swords!!!!! It was half off at the pawn shop and he bought it for me....mainly cause i wouldnt stop bothering him but neways...OMG i am amazingly excited and happy and *boom* (ive just exploded from being to happy!!! ISNT THE GREAT!!?!?!?!!?)
AHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Also its friday the 13TH!!!!!!!!!lol..
So turns out damon is extreamly parinoid....wow...
Staying the night at christies...buh bye!
The Ultimate Death Survey
What do you think happens after you die? alot and nothing
Do you believe in heaven? sure
Do you believe in hell? sure
Do you think you will be judged after you die? yeah
How many people would attend your funeral? ...i dunno...who ever wants to come
Would you rather that people cry or laugh at your funeral? Laugh
What's better? A shot in the head or downing pills? Um......id rather not...
What should be written on your tombstone? To Taco boy
Would you rather die childless or divorced? neither
Do you want to die in the morning, afternoon, or night? night
If you had a million dollars to leave, who would you leave it to? my cat smudge...or friends...prolly family; )
What kind of flowers do you want at your funeral? White/ pink roses and dafodils...and lilies...
On your deathbed, which moment will you most remember? i dont know..i dont plan on laying on a death bed with people waiting for me to croak...
Have you ever watched someone die? yes
What's the most gruesome death you can imagine?
How often do you think about death? alot
Is fear of dying your number one fear? ...i dont fear it at all...i think of it as a new adventure.
Do you believe in reincarnation? depends
Have you ever wished someone you loved were dead? yes
Do you consider life short or long? depends on how you lead your life...its not about time but quality
Do you think you have a soul? yeah.........
Assisted suicide for a terminally ill person is: takeing them off of life support
If you were cremated, where would you like your ashes? in the ocean...or somewhere getisoned amoungst the stars...
Would you choose to be immortal, if you could be? sure...just because it would be fun...but it would have to be immortality plus youth like 28 years old...around there....yeah.
Take The Ultimate Death Survey
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8 truthsooth sayers |
lie |
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