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brokenmentality

:: 2005 2 November :: 9.30am

its been a semi-long while.

halloween was just a normal day for us. we figured we're to old to go trick or treating, and we didnt have my sister so its not like we had any reason to go. instead we went to the outback, and had one of those perfect nights that we have so often. PLUS we got some new games from toys R us.... and that was wonderful.

i havent really been up to much lately. just work, wizard, and keegan. oh and throw failing algebra in there too. but its all good..

i think im begining to slip away from woohu.... i dont really have much to update anymore. it seems so much easier to update when im depressed and upset, like i take the good times and the good days for granted. i dont know... maybe its time people actually had to start getting to know me instead of reading about me in my journal.

yeah.. that sounds like a good idea.

2 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 2 November :: 6.56am

I hope you're ok.
Last night was hard.
But, I made it. I'm waiting for it all to be over so I can be normal again.

I can't wait for Friday.

:: 2005 1 November :: 4.52pm
:: Music: Ani Difranco

Today was a good day.
I'm reading some of my old entries and oh my God.. I was an idiot. It's so funny how only a month or so after you read something you can't believe you were so fucking stupid.

I'm changing and I think all this shit that has happened was for the best. I'm not doing as bad as I thought I would, at all. It's insane how well I am taking everything. I'm either gonna glide through this or it's gonna hit me later. I just know right now things are fine.

I know how I feel and all I hope is plans run smoothly from here on out.

Oh, and don't worry, sweety.. no one can ruin my life when I'm only 17 years old. Try at a later time. ;)

I love you Erika!

8 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 1 November :: 6.58am

Reminder.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

Death Cab for Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved

:: 2005 31 October :: 10.22pm
:: Music: Northstar - Rocket City

Correct; Kiss, Flash, Fondle.

Studying has never been so much fun. I'm really starting to enjoy biology, or at least, the process I've designed to learn it with.

I must make a stop at the local library pretty soon. I really want to read. Hm...I need a library card.

:: 2005 30 October :: 8.16pm

Today didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would.
I just have to stay busy.. hah.
Tomorrow I'll be a wreck.
Hopefully I can just be ok again. I'm staying strong and remembering not to miss him, but miss what we used to have. Which was months ago. And I can have it again, it'll just take time.
So much for everything.

I'll be fine.

2 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 30 October :: 12.19pm

Well, I'm single.
He broke up with me, so for once I don't have to feel like the bitch.
It hurts. I'm crying, but I can't let it get to me like last time.
I haven't seen him for a week and I have been fine, it's just hard now that it's official. But, me being fine and having a good week without him shows I don't need him. I just feel like I do now that it's a for sure thing that we're done.
But, whatever. I'm young. I have to meet new people and just live right now. I don't need a guy to be a happy person. I need freedom and no one to answer to. I need to just be independent and not get depressed over this.
We had our good times. He was my first for a lot of things, but our relationship has died. We've both been miserable and it's better to end it now than later. And as hard as I tried I couldn't get over being with someone who cheated on me.
Yes, I'll miss him, but I'll live.
I need to hang out with someone tonight, because as much as I don't want to feel alone right now I do.

3 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 29 October :: 1.34pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes

Ani Difranco - Fuel
They were digging a new foudation in Manhattan
and they discovered a slave cemetary there.
May their souls rest easy
now that lynching is frowned upon,
and we've moved on to the electric chair.
And I wonder who's gonna be president? Tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?
And who's gonna have the big blockbuster box office this summer?
How about we put up a wall between houses and the highway
and you can go your way, and I can go my way.

Except all the radios agree with all the tv's,
and the magazines agree with all the radios!
And I keep hearing that same damn song everywhere I go! [hahaha]
Maybe I should put a bucket over my head!
And a marshmallow in each ear!
And stumble around for
another dumb-numb week..
waiting for another hum-drum hit song to appear.

People used to make records,
as in a record of an event.
The event of people.
Playing music. In a room.

Now everything is cross-marketing.
It's about sunglasses and shoes,
or guns and drugs,
you choose.
We got it rehashed.
We got it half-assed.
We're digging up all the graves
and we're spitting on the past.

And you can choose between the colors
of the lipstick on the whores
'cause we know the difference between
the font of 20% more!
And the font of teriakiyi, you tell me..
How does it make you feel?
You tell me what's real.

And they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
even when they're as dry as my lips, for years.
Even when they're stranded on a small, desert island
with no place within 2,000 miles to buy beer!
And I wonder..
Is he different?-
Is he different?-
Has he changed? What's he about?
Or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?

Am I headed for the same brick wall?
Is there anything I can do about anything at all?
Except go back to that corner in Manhattan
and dig deeper, dig deeper this time.
Down beneath the impossible pain of our history,
beneath unknown bones,
beneath the bedrock of the mystery.
Beneath the sewage systems and the path drain,
beneath the cobblestones and the water mains!
Beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals,
beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels!
Beneath everything I can think of to think about,
beneath it all, beneath all get out!!
Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel..

There's a fire just waiting for fuel.
There's a fire just waiting for fuel.
There's a fire just waiting for fuel.
There's a fire just waiting for fuel.

1 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 29 October :: 11.29am

We could not be doing any worse right now.

I feel like this is the end.

:: 2005 27 October :: 9.07pm

There is never an end

I want to start reading more. I've been watching a lot of cool movies lately, and for some reason, it has made me think. Have any of you seen The Machinist? If not, I say, drop whatever you are doing, run to the nearest video rental place, and rent or steal or buy it. Well, maybe it isn't that good, but I thought it was awesome.

Anyway, I've made a list of books I want to read. Sadly, it only contains three books.

Fight Club
A Clockwork Orange
The Idiot

I've seen the movies of Fight Club and A Clockwork Orange, and they were both awesome, so that's why I want to read those. And, for the The Idiot, the guy in The Machinist was reading it.

What a pointless entry.

Still haven't figured out how to shift my journal to the right yet. A code would be nice if anyone knew it.

5 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 25 October :: 8.29pm

If anyone could tell me the html for moving your journal from one side of the page to another, I would be very happy and thankful.

6 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 25 October :: 6.39pm
:: Music: Ani Difranco - Untouchable

Part of the song Untouchable by Ani
so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you

:: 2005 22 October :: 3.31pm
:: Music: Chevelle - Still Running

Mission Complete

I change this journal around, and I think it looks awesome. It's another one of those pictures I took with Amanda's dad's camera.

I want a camera now.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 21 October :: 1.53pm

i love when nobodys home and i can just relax and take a shower and not worry about whats going on outside my house.

im going to the game and dance tonight with the girls.. then afterwards i think we're gonna watch both ring movies cuz brandis never seen them. im preparing myself for the nightmares.... in case you dont know.. i DONT watch scary movies. these are single 2 scary movies i think i've ever seen. and YES they're scary! lol... maybe other people didnt think so, but to me there are dead people and mirrors... *shivers...

tomorrow is my keegan day. he has to work a double at logans today... mmmm, but its ok. i kind of wish he was comming to the game with me since its the last one... but he's got a car payment due next week, so i understand.. he's so cool. i love that. :)

well.. i guess i dont have much of anything to say. see ya'll at the game i spose.

:: 2005 21 October :: 12.23pm
:: Music: BOB DYLAN

Good day.
Well, I just got back from the dentist. They had to fill my "mini" cavity. Man, I love laughing gas.

I also love days off, especially like this. I've been just walking around taking pictures with my Minolta. It's such a nice camera, I can't wait to get the pictures developed. They're all just nature shots, but it's fall so the trees are perdy.

Here's a couple of shots I got developed from my Canon. My scanner sucks so they came out really grainy and I had to photoshop some what, but they look all right. Just keep in mind the actual photos are good quality.

I want a new scanner!
Read more..

I don't know why the pictures are so small.. *shrug

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:: 2005 20 October :: 11.14pm
:: Music: Funeral for a Friend

Concrete and Ash

We did some more exploring today, and it was awesome. Took more pictures, got more scratches and grass and mud stains. I don't ever want to wash these pants again, because of how cool they look with the tears and stains. Now I know why people buy them that way; they're too girly to explore.

Six months tomorrow. How cool is that? We don't have school on our monthiversary. The circumstances are sad, yes, but still, it's cool.

I love how I redid my _Alastar journal. It makes me want to redo this one. I'll have to take more pictures like the one on that journal.

:: 2005 19 October :: 4.48pm

The concert was amazing. By far the best show I have ever been to. The first two bands were just so different and creative and the Dresden Dolls just topped it off. I've never seen a concert be so artisitc and energetic. I'm so glad I went.

My only regret is not bringing my camera. I want to kick my own ass.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 18 October :: 9.11pm

Erika, hey it's Keegan.

Just wanted to say hi, and that I care about you. and that I love it when we resolve our arguments. no matter how long it takes or how hard it is.

1 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 18 October :: 6.52am

I'm going to the Dresden Dolls concert tonight. Can not wait.

3 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 16 October :: 7.20pm
:: Music: Get Some Mix: Version Four

Dead cameras and blank CDs

This is the best mix I have ever created. It's went through a few revisions, but now I think it is perfect. It only took 4 or 5 months and about 30 songs. These are the perfect 19.

This was a great weekend. Friday was fun downtown with certain people that I don't know if I can name because I don't want to start a(nother) fight.

Amanda and I went a lot of places yesterday. This soccer field in Sparta that had a creek in the back with all this broken concrete and cool rusty railroad tracks that went over it. Then to Greenville, to this river under a bridge. Oh, and more railroad tracks with scary sounds and creepy people in Suburbans. We took a bunch of cool pictures with her dad's camera. I couldn't get them on my computer though, because it's a different camera than I have and I don't have the right cord. I will put some up here when I get them, though. They are suh-weet.

This is the part of the weekend I hate. I save my thousand pounds of homework for 8 o'clock Sunday night and then end up staying up late so that I'm exhausted on Monday morning. Oh well, the fun part was worth it.

I'm not good at updating this, which is why I hardly do it anymore. It's lost something. Importance, probably.

1 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 16 October :: 3.47pm

Erika, I love you. Hang in there.
Just remember guys suck and they were born idiots.
Juust kidding..

not. ;)

3 _ | moved fast

brokenmentality

:: 2005 16 October :: 2.24pm
:: Music: Ani DiFranco

what a depressing day. as much as i want to get up and wash my face.. i just lay here in a dark room wishing i was everything that right now im lacking so bad.

my car is getting to me, i dont have a ride to work tonight. i dont know when im gonna have something to drive... my mom is bending over backwards to make it easier for me, but for godsake i've had my licene for over a year now, she shouldnt have to stress out so i can drive her car for a day... if only i was just in walking distance.

for about 20 minutes i was gonna stay home, brandi was gonna cover for me, and i was gonna pick up her wednesday... but then i realized that i would rather go to work depressed and upset and beable to see him on wednesday. but thats just me, thats just a sacrifice that i'm willing to make so we can spend time together. whatever.

i just want it to be winter so i can come home and bundle up and drink hot chocolate and chai and not feel guilty about NOT being outside on a beautiful day.

i've been thinking about college alot lately. i dont know what im going to do. im a fucking senior.. and i have no idea what i want to do after high school. something about that terrifies me immensely.

i just want to be out of here. away from everything that i've always known, or maybe everything that i've never truely known.

:: 2005 16 October :: 1.46pm

I miss you, come home all ready!

:: 2005 15 October :: 4.39pm

I got a new cell phone and it's a camera phone too!
I'm only excited, because my old one was a piece like you wouldn't believe.

Anyway, yesterday was a lot of fun. Kelly, Liz, Sammie, and Neilee rock hardcore.

I miss Brad.
Weekend homework sucks.

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brokenmentality

:: 2005 15 October :: 12.42pm

i guess its about time i update about homecoming. prom probably takes the cake cuz of everything we did before and after... but dancing wise... this one was the best!

me and keegan clashed, but at the same time looked really good together. the green and purple ended up looking very nice. i couldnt have been happier with my dress. it looked perfect, it wasnt to long, it fit wonderfully... *smiles. so anyways, me, keegan, stacy, brad and brandi went to timbers for dinner... i got meatloaf... heck yes! but then i made keegan trade me his steak.. giggles.

the dance turned out VERY nice. the decorations were awesome and i loved the theme. the seniors did a kick ass job.

we got our pictures taken right when we got there, hopefully it turns out good. we're not your average couple, and poses just dont work for us... so we did our own thing. thats what we usually do though... we always do our own thing...

but yeah.. the dance was great.. i danced with keegan all night.. almost as if nobody else was around. and the last song they played "you look wonderful tonight" is one of our songs.. so the night just ended perfectly. i got really good pictures, AND when keegan started break dancing... i didnt even get pushed the back of the circle... laughs.. i could actually SEE! its so cool that he does that.. i feel so cool dating him. *laughs again* i've never felt this way before.. or have ever thought that my boyfriend was cooler than me... its just amazing to think... wow, im dating keegan. i have to tell myself that from time to time...... he's so incredible.. and we're incredible together.

after the dance we just went back to keegans house and went to sleep. we were to tired to go bowling... and just feeling him close to me is all i need to make the night perfect... i know im overusing that word... but its the only word that fits.

the other day we went to klackle orchards and got pumpkins, donuts, apples, and gourds. it was so much fun. we got to ride in the "enchanted" pumpkins out to the pumpkin patch. keegans pumpkin is HUGE and mine WAS perfect until SOMEBODY broke the stem off. pshhh. but yeah.. that was a really fun day.

then last night after i got out of work we rented Crash and Call Me... we only watched Call ME cuz there was no way we were stayin up for two movies. it was ok.. but it really should have been classified as porn. lol. it was a BIT graphic to say the least. ahh well... what can ya do right?

so right now shelby has a bunch of little friends over because she turned 5 on monday... *tears.. she grows so fast* so todays her little birthday party. i have to go to work tonight... which i dont want to do... but when i get out we'll probably watch that other movie.

the good thing about having people over is that it forces me to clean my room. usually its a disaster, but my room is seroiusly the coolest room i've seen in person.. .not trying to be conceited or anything... but its pretty kick ass. so when people are over i always gotta show it to em. scott came over with keegan today... so in otherwords i was cleaning all morning. aww it was so cute. keegan came over to do some flips for all shelbys little friends. he's just so damn cool! *giggles

bad news though.... i cant drive my car anymore. we brought it in to get the breaks checked out and they said the front and back brakes are totally shot and it also needs new brake pads and roters and all that other stuff that me, being a girl, doesnt know anything about. but yeah, the cheapest they could fix it for is 650... and my mom doesnt think its worth putting that much money into. so i think we're gonna look into getting a different car.. possible an explorer. but i'll be out of a car for about a month im guessing... not like it matters.. i dont drive very often anyways. .maybe once or twice a week... if that. but yeah... thats my story.

yeah.. so i havent updated in awhile.. as a result this entry jumps all around and sounds kinda odd... but at least ya'll got the jist of my past week. alright... bye loves.

:: 2005 13 October :: 9.00pm

I want more nights like tonight.

But, of course something has to piss me off before I go to sleep, like a stupid as fuck email..why did I even bother trusting her again? She's doing the same fucking thing that caused all that shit last time. Whatever. Fuck you.

Anyway, today was good. Thank you.

Have a good time.

5 _ | moved fast

brokenmentality

:: 2005 13 October :: 6.51am

just what i want to wake up to.

every day just keeps getting better and better.

brokenmentality

:: 2005 12 October :: 10.02pm

i'll just set aside how pissed i am for the time being. its not going to do anything any good... and if i open up and say what i REALLY feel.. i'll have to hear how it hurt someones feeling... so yeah, i'll just pretend everythings fine and im ok, because im a fucking doormat.

before i get into homecoming.. i gotta vent. deal with it.

i understand that im short and blonde and tend to smile alot. does that mean that im perfect?! if i flip out on somebody... its like "oh damn, erikas pisssed" WHAT am i not allowed to show some irrational emotion? just because i hide how i feel in school to avoid added drama... doesnt mean i dont HAVE unneccesary drama. if i were to be totally honest with myself and most the people i surround myself with... i wouldnt have many friends. im not judgemental.. i just cant put up with peoples shit very easily. Grow the fuck up. we're seniors for gods sake. im counting the days before i get the hell away from all these people. we grew up together, we'll see eachother at reunions, pretend we were friends "back in the day" and move on with our lives. and i may or may not marry somebody from around here. im certainly not gonna plan on it. im 17 years old. why would i want to be tied down to love and commitment? am i happy with my relationship? yeah, because its a healthy relationship. we dont center our lives around eachother. thats a bit pathetic dont cha think? i seriously wish i could just go up to most every happy person in the hall and slap them and be like what the fuck is wrong with you! the world sucks! *laughs.... god im glad i can find humor when im so PISSED.

first times..... yeah.. unforgettable right.
just like i'll never forget the first time you put a recreation before me, or the first time you hung up on me, or the first time you just left me... because its not like i've never been abanded before right, or the first time you called me a bitch, or the first time i'll go to bed upset with you, or the fact that YOUR first time is with someone else. that ones my favorite. i hate that about you. HATE it. to bad you'll never have to experience that. physically feeling your heart break every time you think about, and at the same time wanting to vomit. maybe thats love, maybe thats what we're waiting for and this is just a preview.

*ahem* Love is never fully being happy, but settling for a great person with just less than what you expected. oh yeah, and throw in the... "its not fair" part and maybe the "drive eachother crazy" part.

i honestly am scared to death that i'll never fall in love with anyone. im to anal about love, im to picky... i know exactly what i want. but it doesnt exist. and that doesnt say anything bad about my relationships or future relationships... it just tells me that its time i take my head out of the clouds and think realistickly.

i dont know. im so irrational sometimes. i dont know why he puts up with my bullshit. tonight hurt... but so did yesterday. it never gets easier. it makes me wish we were in love so at least in my lowest moment i could tell myself "but its ok, because he loves me" and it kills me that i cant... but its not just that. its me too. im not ready for that. like i said... who knows if i'll ever be ready. ive encountered first hand love due to my mom and her divorce. i would rather go to hell then relive the events we suffered through. i honestly think chris was satan. but he didnt start out that way. man he fooled us. i dont want that to happen to me. and i guess im just scared to death that im gonna open myself up, become totally vulnerable to pain... and be fooled.

ok.... i took a break from the last paragraph and went to talk to my mom. she always makes me feel better. but now im just depressed.

im so fucking selfish. and i know that. and i can admit that....

maybe i'll get to homecoming a different day. i'd like to be happy when i update about such a great night.

this is one of those nights where a tiny part of you hopes you never wake up, even though im not suicidal.... eternal sleep just sounds so good sometimes.

4 _ | moved fast

:: 2005 12 October :: 10.41pm

I don't want you to go anymore.
And that didn't help.

I'm freaking out.
I don't know what can make me not.

It's as if I feel like it's impossible for nothing bad to happen.

I hate this.

brokenmentality

:: 2005 11 October :: 4.42pm

noo, god im just so fucking mad...... its just a multiple entry type of rage i guess....

what the hell is your problem?

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