i hate this. im stuck awake because we just ended on bad terms and now im all upset and crying and hating myself and he's just fine having fun with his friends, doing whatever the fuck he wants to do. and guess what.. its my fault. god i hate myself. i always do this. when i get accoustomed to something.. its not easy for me to let it go. i got used to seeing him alllll the time.. and when i dont get that attention... i cant take it. and i dont care if that makes me selfish.. and then i do care, and then i dont again. and im just so confused. i havent been this upset so FREQUENTLY in a long time. and espeacially tonight... we never end phone conversations on bad terms... but tonight is different. well different in the way that this time when we fought scott could here. thanks alot, make me look like a total bitch in front of your friends. is that what you want them to think? do you get some sort of joy out of people feeling sorry for you because of your crazy girlfriend? "oh no baby you're the only one i want, you're the girl i want" what boyfriend wants to make his girlfriend cry all the time... its like you wont give up until i start crying.. except tonight.. you know that i am, and you dont care. because YOU'RE upset becasue of me. it doesnt matter that i've been sitting at home ALL fucking night waiting for you, at least YOU were having fun. yeah... FUN lets drive an hour and a half and spend 30 dollars... you better not EVER complain to me about not having money. "well i got payed today" and so what'd you do? you went out and spent it right away. "its 11 dollars and that includes food" which it apparantly didnt. "its only 45 minutes away" which it wasnt. "i call you back as soon as i know if we're in the final 4" which you didnt. "i just didnt think to call you, i dont know what else to say" there ya go.. didnt think to call me. because thats how it is..... your breakdancing has nothing to do with me. im the unsupportive girlfriend who calls you and doesnt want to get off the phone because she's upset. i should have just come home and said fuck the battle, fuck keegan, i dont wanna know whats going on, and just went to bed on time like i planned. i didnt think i would be up this late. but yeah... i can see you tomorrow because YOU'RE free... because YOU dont have plans. whenever it works out for you because you're things are more important. *your job: "im paying 400 dollars a month for my car, arent you happy i got a new car?" "you dont even act happy about my new job, if i would have known you'd have gotten so upset i wouldnt have applied" *breakdancing: "yeah... its super important, we're not getting paid, probably wont win, and hey lets spend money in there while we're at it." "oh and hey, lets take my car because nobody else in the world drives"

seriously.. i am such a self concious person. one of the things i said in drama class today was that one of my biggest fears is that people will see me only for the things i do and not actually see me. my biggest fear in my relationship is that he'll just see my faults and what i dont do. i try so hard. in everything. im the president of the student senate, editor of the yearbook, red flannel queen, throw a relationship in there, school work, tryting to be more "active" in my family so my mom gets off my case.... its exhausting. and sometimes i just cant do it. i get so overwhelmed and what do i do? i keep going, there's no breaks. and i feel like if i fail or if something goes wrong somebodys gonna say "look what she did" im terrified of failing. im so self critical. but nobody would know that. i have alot of "friends" but hardly anybody knows me. keegans one of the few that do and that makes it hard because it would be so easy for him to hurt me. and im so scared of that. i always have a gaurd up with people, and for once i dont. and i hate when i sometimes think... "what are you doing erika" whats the matter with you... why are you letting someone it.

when i let someone in, that means im at their mercy. anything they say or do could affect me. and it doesnt help that as much as i may say i dont care what other people think of me... i do. very much. and im very defensive. i mean... what the hell.. i've cried more in the past week than i have in the past 2 months. thats not healthy. i dont cry. im supposed to be the strong one. what happens when i cant be that.

i pride myself in being strong and not letting things get to me. i've always told people, no im not emotional... so what the fuck is going on with me. lately i've just felt that i have no one. that nobody will EVER know me. that nobody will ever understand me.

one of my biggest fears is that i'll never fall in love and be alone forever. it sounds stupid, but its so true. the experiences that i have, and the things that i've seen, and am still witnessing my mom go through have shaped me in more ways than i can even count. im just so critical when it comes to love, that im afraid i'll never find it because i'll never be satisfied. just with mymoms situation... shes still dealing with chris. i thought when we left it was over, and finally our lives would turn out.. and they have, but he still has that same power over us. i swear he's satan... and im just a little person, its not healthy to feel so much hate towards one person. and when i get so angry i dont know what to do, and i dont know how to express or deal with my anger so it all builds up and then it subsides and just more or less burries itself away. so then i have all this built up emotion and it always just comes out one night. and thats the night where i talk to my mom and i cry and tell her why i hate myself and confess my insecurities and bring up the past and all the terrible things that for some reason im still not letting go. and then she makes me feel better and i move on. but it never fully goes away.... it always comes back.

i dont even know why i get so angry with him... he's right, it is my fault. i AM the one who overdoes it, who blows things out of proportion. he's always telling me that. "you're being irrational" "your making to big a deal out of this" "you're making me feel bad for ...." and then when i finally talk to him about it tells me that its not all my fault.... well does he know me at all to know that everything he says to me sticks with me. and every lie that ANYONE tells me sticks with me and makes me question myself. and feeds more into my insecurities.

right now... he's fine. and here i am sitting alone venting to a stupid online journal where anyone who reads this will judge me on some level and im just making myself more vulnerable.. but what else can i do? keegans not here for me and made it very apparant that he was done talking, and my moms sleeping. those are my two people. the only two people i have, and i cant depend on either of them to be there whenever i need them. and i know thats not right, and of course somebody wont always be able to be there. but this is what happens. i over think and everything comes out. everything i hate about myself comes out. i mean i have stacy... and she knows me pretty darn good, but its different. its the facts that she knows, not the emotions. and thats not a bad thing.. because i dont know here emotions either and she's just an amazing friend that i can trust anything with. but its hard to let that gaurd down to anybody... obviously since i've only done it twice. im so afraid of realizing what a small number of friends i have. most people just assume things about me that are completely untrue. i hate drama and i HATE when somebody says something bad about me or doesnt like me. not because i think everyone should like me, or because it pisses me off... but it hurts. it really hurts... and when i start to hear things about myself, i start to believe them. it doesnt matter if i know its not true. i start to believe them, and then i fear that other people will start to believe them. prime example is that whole ordeal with mitch and the senior group. i felt so attacked, and he called me such horrible things and then people in his journal that dont even know me said such terrible things when in reality what i said was taken so far out of context. his purpose was to make me look like a preppy bitch. so what did i do. i tried to defend myself, and in turn got even more names, and even more hurtful things... but i couldnt help but defend things. and you may say that it doesnt matter if somebody who doesnt know you says shit... well yes it does. i take offense to it greatly. i just want to be liked. more than anything i need acceptance... because as a child i didnt get it from key people in my life that i should have gotten it from. and then at 10 losing my grandpa was the worst thing i've ever experienced. i know alot of people say that their grandparents are their best friend, and who am i to say that they're lying... but for me my grandpa was my best friend, and the only father figure i ever had. i was with him all the time... the only place i ever wanted to be or ever was was with him. he took care of me and my mom because it was just the two of us. and so i never stopped to think that hey... all my friends have a mom AND a dad. when i lost him my world stopped spinning. for once i was alone with nobody to tell my secrets to and it all happend to soon. and on top of losing him chris and my mom got seperated, and it was just terrible. so many times i just need him, and he's not here for me. and sometimes i find myself angry with god because i just feel like he's been taking things from me and targeting me for so long. i just want to feel that protection that my grandpa gave me.. and the security. i need those things. and at times i feel like keegan doesnt care, or doesnt know, or doesnt care to find out.

im so self concious in everything... i hate my face and my body and the fact that if the red flannel pageant required a talent, i wouldnt know what to do. i feel talentless... like i cant do anything. theres nothing special about any of the things that i can do. i get so jealous of danielle because she plays the piono so beautifully. i just feel like all my friends have an outlet, and i just lack one. what would i do... get up there and create a yearbook template? i cant sing, i dont play sports, i dont play an instrument, i dont even feel good enough for my drama class.... so how can i expect to run for high pageants? in the past couple of months i've basically given up on that. why do i do that? i just give up on dreams. and at the same time i dont. i've achieved so much sucess in high school... but then again i dont get all A's, im not the teacher favorite, i dont play sports, i fit into NO social group whatsoever. i feel like im not popular enough to be "able" to talk freely to those people, i dont fit in with the circle or the goths or whatever they call themselves now because im "preppy".... and so if im not preppy enough, or depressed enough, or athletic enough, or smart enough... where do i fit it at? im just erika.

i need to just get used to that.... im just erika.
whatever... fuck this.
and see, then thats my next step... to say forget it. thats why i do what i do.. i'd rather let things burry down inside me then to deal with them, because in all honestly it just hurts to much.

7 _ | moved fast