anachronism
|
::
2005 1 August :: 7.55pm
People keep reminding me.
Every day I still deal with someone asking me what happened that night.
It seems I'll have to deal with this for months. I've cut it down to one line when people ask now.
I'm not mad that people ask.
But, the fact that there's a story to be told stings my eyes with regret.
I want to forget. You have no idea how badly. I'm sick of writing about it. Talking, thinking about it.
Every way I try to escape it, it just follows me.
*sigh*
Why do things like this "just happen" ?
|
|
anachronism
|
::
2005 1 August :: 12.29pm
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
"You want to be a whore without claiming the title."
That line is so true to society.
I honestly don't think that could have been said any better.
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 1 August :: 9.34am
:: Music: Gatsby's American Dream
Double Dose
I decided to put two up today, since one is a request and I probably won't have time to draw any more for awhile. I hope you enjoy.
Read more..
19 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 31 July :: 2.57pm
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin - Simple Design
Ron is paranoid
Read more..
They just come to me...
10 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 30 July :: 10.53am
:: Music: My Chemical Romance - You know what they do to guys like us in prison
Stemmed from an old idea..
I probably won't be adding them every day now.
Read more..
2 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 29 July :: 12.54pm
:: Music: Alkaline Trio
SPIDERMAN
I think I'll put a new one up everyday. Unless they suck...then not.
Read more..
6 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 28 July :: 9.28pm
:: Music: Action Action
Ron is curious
Sorry about the bad quality, I had to take it with my crappy camera.
My second comic
Read more..
17 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 28 July :: 6.33pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: A Fire Inside - Dancing Through Sunday
I need a scanner
I started my own comic strip. I have a bunch of ideas, I just need a cool character.
Maybe me.
Edit
My first comic
Read more..
Hopefully the drawings will get better with time.
4 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 26 July :: 10.54pm
:: Music: The Juliana Theory - If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?
Waiting..
I feel a little better, I slept until 7 PM. I did wake up a few times, but I didn't stay up for long. I'm really pissed about not being able to go with Josh.
I miss Amanda quite a lot right now. I always miss her more at night for some reason. We haven't talked in three days. She just called. I listen to our mix every night before I go to sleep. I'm such a loser.
2 _ |
moved fast
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 25 July :: 10.13pm
im on keegans laptop... hes in the shower... oh the damage i could do right now... mwah ha ha.
today we had our red flannel pictures done at aspen... its so sad because it makes the end seem so final. the truth is, it'll never end. the memories, and friendship, and sisterhood will never fully go away. and i'll always look back at this past year and be in awe of the amazing experience the 5 of us had.
i've been gathering all my senior picture clothes. greg.... one of the photographers told me to bring my whole closet... i told him he shouldnt have said that! i hope they turn out good... if any of you still need to get your pictures done, or know anybody who's looking to get professional pics done like wedding, family, whatever... let me know so i can get them some discouts at studio 630.
"yesterday wasnt good"
hmph speak for yourself.
anyways.... off i go... keegans back.
stacy i love you. i stopped in to see you.. and ended up talking to your parents for like 10 minutes... i've missed them. and your house. and your wonderful drawer. and the spray butter on the pop corn. and those goofy little hampster things. and the dead bunny. and sleeping out on your tent until it started raining. and porch communicating. and craving arbys late at night at wonderfully having a way to get it. and sitting around your house all day waiting for SOMEONE to bring us to the mall. but most of all... i just miss you. and the long talks we always seem to have. DB4L... i am ALWAYS here whenever you need me ok? you have my number and i have a wonderful ringtone for you on my cell phone. i wanna HEAR it damn it! lets get together soon. with or without the boys.... lets just get together!
ok... hamburgers are calling my name... keegan made them for me with one arm.. poor doll.
night.
4 _ |
moved fast
|
|
anachronism
|
::
2005 25 July :: 3.49pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice, It's All Right
I'm just trying to forget and move on.
It hurts, but I have to get past that.
I've never felt so much regret for one night.
dsbhfbsdhfbdshfhdsafadb;fjdasf
|
|
anachronism
|
::
2005 23 July :: 7.05am
Tainted.
Nothing will ever be the same.
I can't feel like I used to. All I want to do is go back a week and change everything.
I want to feel wanted. Like I'm the only one. Like I'm not only good enough, but I'm so much more. Not settled for.
I want to feel the security I felt a few days ago.
So cherished and loved.
But, everything's gone.
And I feel empty and sad.
His company doesn't even soothe me anymore because I feel worthless.
I hate myself.
Attachment is the worst disease. It makes you do stupid shit.
I feel stupid, like a pushover. People can just hurt me and get away with it because I feel so fucking strong and I care so fucking much.
I'm ruined. I feel like that spark of happiness and optimism is gone. My mind is poisoned with that image that won't go away.
Him and her..
I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I am what I never wanted to be.
Things will never be the same.
I don't feel pretty anymore. I'm not confident with my body anymore.
When we kiss I don't feel special. That feeling of complete happiness is lost and replaced with him and her together. I'm not special or the only anymore. I'm just another.
And all of this makes me sick to my stomach.
I want true love and perfection. What I thought I had.
My future looks like a series of huge mistakes.
I have never cared so much about someone that has hurt me so much. I can't help it. I know what I should do, but I can't do it. I've fallen in love with someone who doesn't feel how they used to. Something left them.. and here I am..being more in love than ever.
"Go with your heart."
Nothing has ever been so wrong.
Don't.
Be careful.
Think.
Be willing to get hurt, 'cause you will.
Everyone is a liar.
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 22 July :: 9.46am
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin - Firefly
I love White Ninja. Too bad the new ones suck. I just went and reread a lot of the older ones, and woo, I laughed a lot.
Read more..
3 _ |
moved fast
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 22 July :: 2.24am
idiot
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 21 July :: 1.04am
:: Music: The Mars Volta
When Boredom Attacks!!
So a few days ago my mom bought this butter, and the brand is "is it butter?" This scared me, because I wanted to have a bagel, and I didn't know what to put on it. Was it butter? How could I be sure? How could I be sure of anything, if I wasn't sure if this was butter or not? I couldn't, that's how. And that's also how this happened.
Read more..
14 _ |
moved fast
|
|
anachronism
|
::
2005 20 July :: 10.05pm
Please just be happy for me and don't think I am a dolt.
God.. I can finally breathe.
So, we're back together.. sort of.
We talked for a few hours and we decided that we need to work on everything. We both need to change and make our relationship better to keep it stronger.
We're going to take everything slow and slowly get to being normal again.
It's not like everything is solved and we're completely happy.
We need time.
All I know is that losing him would be the worst possible thing that could happen to me at this point.
All the rumors have been cleared. Every little question has been answered. [Edit:The rumors were true. And the answers were false.]
It's not perfect and I'm not all joyous, but I'm much, much better.
I can finally stop crying and just eat something.
Thank you for all the support. Especially from the people I didn't expect it from.
I'm still kind've a wreck and complete drained of all energy.. but it'll fade and hopefully I, no we can just be happy again.
I love you.
On a side note, thank you most of all to Matt. You've been here the most. And today was awesome. What a good fucking talk. I mean, you even got burned by a McDonalds employee.
Digi mon! Digital monsters!
Also, Erika.. thank you for calling me. :)
6 _ |
moved fast
|
|
anachronism
|
::
2005 20 July :: 1.53pm
Save me.
I've called everyone I know or they know to try and find him.
I left three messages begging him to call me back, only to find the phone to be turned off when I tried again. I figured my annoyance would be enough of a bother for him to just fucking talk to me.
I'm sure he cheated on me.
I know he lied to me.
I have no idea where the fuck he stayed last night.
It's like he was waiting to be single so he could just go back to being a piece of shit low life.
I tried to save him, because his friends are too fucking selfish to support him being a better person. And realize that there is a time to grow up.
It's not that I dislike any of his friends personally. I do like them, I just wish they would help him be better.
I've found that I've never loved someone as much as this and that I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. And now it's gone forever and I'm going to spend months crying, trying to just not waste away to nothing.
I loved him.. so fucking much. And what do I get? I get cheated on, lied to, and betrayed.
After one stupid fight.
I want to die.
It's fucking insane how things change so much.
True love? Bullshit.
You're the one person I thought would never hurt me. Ever!
I can't do anything.
I tried to sleep, I just cried.
I tried to eat, I just got sick.
I try to occupy my time with this stupid fucking computer and t.v. but nothing helps. I wish my memory could just be erased and I could be ok again.
I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying and I was too weak from not eating for two days.
I've never been so hurt in my life.
I can't believe you ruined me.
I'm a complete and total wreck.
Yours forever?
Forever must not be too long.
You ruiend everything. I didn't even get to expierence half of what a real relationship is. There was so much ahead of us that I was looking forward to.
Now what?!
What the fuck do I do!?!
15 _ |
moved fast
|
|
anachronism
|
::
2005 20 July :: 6.42am
I've never felt so low and alone.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying.
I can't even catch my breath to just breathe.
I feel like I'm constantly going to throw up.
Everywhere I look there's something that is his or reminds me of him.
Everything I do reminds me of him.
I can't escape and I feel so betrayed, angry, used, stupid, lied to!
The worst thing is, is that he doesn't care at all.
He's taking it fine.. while I'm here fucking dying.
He was like my God damn air and you can't have that just be with you one second and gone the next.
And I can't ever get him back. And that.. kills me more than anything ever could.
I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
I know it's only been one day, but I can't take it.
One day is way too much.
I don't know what to do.
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 20 July :: 3.04am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Rise Against
Twelve is the biggest number in the world
I went to bed around eleven:30 and was awoken by the Used at one:43.
I love text messaging.
7 _ |
moved fast
|
|
anachronism
|
::
2005 19 July :: 4.25pm
Tears staining my face.
I knew it couldn't last.
11 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 18 July :: 4.36pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: Chevelle - Comfortable Liar
Bobagadoosh
I am bored.
I finally got the ceiling fan for my room put up, it makes it so much nicer in here.
My Spin subscription came in the mail today, so I should be getting a magazine pretty soon.
That is all.
3 _ |
moved fast
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 15 July :: 7.27pm
trouble in paradise? not even close.
its so nice being able to handle our arguments as adults... there is NOTHING we cant work through, because thats just how we are. i fight with him like he's my brother... most of the time its only because i care so much about the decisions he makes, and he guards and protects me like a little sister... and from time to time gives me a little tough love so i can figure out on my own what exactly it is that i want... but more than that we're best friends.. which keeps everything running soooo smoothly. only THEN can i say we're dating... because everything else comes first. hes my best friend before anything... and thats such an amazing thing.
central air is a beautiful thing.
4 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 15 July :: 6.26pm
:: Music: Gorillaz - Dirty Harry
Lush
Well, she's gone.
So if anyone wants to hang out, I'm completely available for the next 17 days.
"I'm going to go insane!"
I know, me too. I feel pretty good right now though.
5 _ |
moved fast
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 13 July :: 11.56am
i'm meeting some more of my family on saturday... what an odd thing to say..... seems to me its been an overdue meeting.. but whatever, ya gotta start somewhere.
alyssas comming over after work tonight... we're gonna be all girly and figure out what i should where for my senior pictures... she was a model last for the photography place that i'm gonna be modeling for.. i go in saturday morning to get all the information... alyssa said she saved hundreds on her senior pictures, so im really excited.
i cant go to blues cuz i have to work, and theres no way im gonna drive down there and get lost downtown and then walk by myself to where they break dance..... but next wednesday....
i really need to concentrate on losing some of the roundness of my face, and belly, and legs.... .blahhhh... now isnt the time for a self-meltdown. ahh well... people always tell me how cute my cheeks are.. maybe i should start believing them... riiight.
it kindof sucks to know that she left me in the dark about this... i dont understand her. things used to be..... well hmmm, i shouldnt get into it.. because obviously things will never be the same, we will never be us again, and sometime in our far future, occasional cards at christmas will recap some of the memories that we'll neglect to recall otherwise.
i got my hair highlighted... nobody ever takes my advice.. but seriously go to Colleen at Xscape salon in rockford, she's the only person i'll go to for my hair and its SUPER affordable. i get two colors done in my hair all throughout.. not just on top and it only costs me about 45-50 dollars... and my hair is almost as long as my back... GO THERE!
yay for keegan getting a job at logans! im so excited for him.. now he works at our restaurant! woohu!
moved fast
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 12 July :: 2.32am
me and keegan had a bonfire tonight... just the two of us.
we ran into town and got stuff to make smores, and it was dark so we had the whole "camping" experience goin on.... it was wonderfull.
i do believe that im becomming obsessed with pigs in a blanket.. keegans mom makes them all the time *for me...te he he* and im gonna become the name of the little piggys... or perhaps just that.. a little piggy. *giggles and wrinkles nose up all cute-like
1 _ |
moved fast
|
|
anachronism
|
::
2005 10 July :: 3.49pm
Leave a comment if you're in any of my classes.
12 _ |
moved fast
|
|
bleedingsun
|
::
2005 9 July :: 4.26pm
:: Music: Gatsbys American Dream - Theatre
Schedule
1. Integrated Math 3 :: Modisher - First fucking hour. Again.
2. American Literature :: Eilola
3. Advanced TV Pro. :: Martino
4. Biology :: Fournier
5. Bible As/In Literature :: Olsen - Score. Another easy class.
6. United States History :: Norkus
This gets me thinking about school too early. Summer isn't even half over yet.
2 _ |
moved fast
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 9 July :: 11.22am
im getting my hair highlighted today... i went tanning last night..... im like geeeeze whats getting in to me!?
must be the senior pictures.
moved fast
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 8 July :: 2.22pm
we got alot accomplished today.
im watching shelby... on top of everything else....
buuutttt..... keegan came over this morning and the three of us watched scooby doo... and then he mowed our front yard.. which is a PRETTY big front yard, i cleaned my room and bathroom, organized my red flannel box, made lunch on the grill, and keegan just brought our screen door in to be fixed... now i have to drop shelby off at her babysitters, go to work, and then tan so i can be nice and dark for my senior pictures..
ahh... we're almost seniors....
i think i have this disease where i cant stop spending money at abercrombie and hollister... its terrible... 100 dollars on 3 shirts... im sure thats not healthy!
mmm... but they DO look good.
well... i should probably clean up. im lookin pretty scary right about now.......
ohhhhh... me and keegan went to the lakes mall yesterday and then to grand haven.. it was nice. the sun felt so good... so what if the water was to cold and even kind of hurt.... it was a good day.
moved fast
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 7 July :: 12.37am
i went to blues tonight after my modeling consultation... it was pretty cool. they guys from 61syx are pretty awesome.. i still get nervous when keegan does flips.. esp when its on concrete and he's tryin some for the first time... but dammnn is it so cool!
i just got home... im grounded right now... so i guess my moms definition of grounded must be "be home by midnight" we'll have to slowly work back up to 2-3 in the next few days... laughs* being grounded isnt half bad.... i think i can spare a couple of hours for a few days... no longer then that though... hmph.
my cell's been dead for like a week..i just havent gotten around to charging it... and damn.. i should charge my camera cuz we're going to the beach tomorrow.... mmmmm... looks at complicated bateries and such..... nawww not complicated, more like "takes effort" and im tired so NO... hmph.... .im such a baby.
keegan had his interview at Logans today.... we're in there at LEAST 2-3 times a week, so since he's looking for a waitor job... figured HEY why not work at our resturant?! i say OURS because im sure if it wasnt for our frequent visits.. they would be out of business.. FER sure.
mmmm keegans dad made us steak today.... i hadnt had steak in a LONG time... then me, emma, and his dad played trivial pursuit... it was fun. keegan wouldnt play.... jerk.
i can see emma and me becomming really close... we're already pretty close and i KNOW she likes me alot.. his whole family does... sounds cliche, but his house is really like my second home. his mom even labled a part of his room "Erika Dawns" lol.... and then grouped all my stuff there... it was cute. i had kind of a dissapointment today, so right after i called my mom, i called keegans mom.... i just think thats so coooooool! ugrahh! i love them all... except keegan *winks....
i love how everyone is always like... you're so in love, or something like that... and we're like nooooo we're not.. not yet anyways. because its true. we arent... why rush something thats already so beautifull? but i sure am loving every second of falling in love with that boy.
night angels....
moved fast
|
|